This file: CA 1987-1993
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CA 1987
OBSERVATION FOR THE DAY
Apathy is becoming a major problem, but who cares?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
By the time a man can read a woman like a book,
he is too old to collect a library.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm only God when I get paid.
-- George Burns
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If I'd known I was going to live this long,
I'd have taken better care of myself.
-- Eubie Blake, on his 100th birthday
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Eschew Obfuscation.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I can take reality in small doses, but not as a life style.
-- Lily Tomlin
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Profanity is the crouton of inarticulate Muthafuckuhs.
-- Russell Palmer
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun lyin' anymore.
-- Norm Petersen, "Cheers"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sex is only a substitute, food is the real thing.
-- Al Goldstein, publisher of "Screw" magazine
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain
the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing.
-- J. B. Colbert, French Statesman, ca. 1665
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Never eat at a place called "Mom's", never play cards with a man named "Doc",
and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are greater than your own.
-- Nelson Algren
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I want to thank my parents for not practicing birth control.
-- Dustin Hoffman, at Academy Awards Ceremony
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's a cruel world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
- W.C. Fields
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
- James Thurber
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
We shall never understand one another until we reduce the language
to seven words.
- Kahlil Gabran
GRAFFITI OF THE DAY
Lassie kills chickens.
- found at Pierce College
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We don't cite for gridlock. That's considered a moving violation.
-- Ron Silagyi, LA Traffic Control Officer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Everything's either concave or -vex,
So whatever you dream will be something with sex.
-- Piet Hein
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.
- Victor Borge
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Sharp's Solid Thinking Law: Crystal Balls aren't really very productive.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature
is in session.
-- Judge Gideon Tucker (ca 1866)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Life is only a test; if it were real, we would have received more instructions.
-- Sandie Jost
***** NOTICE *****
Due to the Hollywood writer's strike, the last two day's quotes
have been reruns.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
What we see depends mainly on what we look for.
-- Contributed by Cathi Thompson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Ask not for whom the bell tolls
and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
TRIVIA QUESTION FOR THE DAY
What are the names of the three California Dancing Raisins?
(Answer will be given tomorrow)
ANSWER TO YESTERDAY'S TRIVIA QUESTION
According to the California Raisin Advisory Board, The names of the three
California Dancing Raisins are:
Tiny Goodbite, Justin X. Grape, and Ben Indasun (with the sunglasses).
First prize (a box of raisins, what else?) goes to PETER ARKIN, who supplied
the correct answer first (with the help of his wife).
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Jazz is for people who are determined to feel good in spite of all that's bad.
-- quoted by Gary Owens, KKGO
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Observation)
Remember on your walk through life, the grass made greener on the other side
of the fence is caused by "pasture pies".
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch it being made.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather
and ask for it back when it starts to rain.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Second Theory of Relativity)
If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't either.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Gambling Dept.)
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Contributed by Janet Vargas
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
I can't even believe in skepticism anymore.
-- David Pavlovitch
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Newton's little-known seventh law)
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If your cow doesn't give milk, sell him.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The world is full of winners and losers. Here's hoping you're one of 'em.
-- Norm Petersen
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Dr. Tobias' Conclusion)
The secret of good health is eating a raw onion a day. The trouble is,
nobody can keep it a secret.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Frisch's Law)
It takes one woman nine months to have a baby, no matter how many men
you put on the job.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Negative Reformulation of Frisch's Law)
You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
"Catch-22" is a Marxist novel. Those Marxists being Groucho, Chico and Harpo.
-- Prof. John Raeburn
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Some people object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A "peace-loving nation" is one which bans fireworks and makes hydrogen bombs.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A Sandwich is an attempt to make both ends meat.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Smut, I'm pleased to say, is in the eyes of the beholder.
-- Tom Lehrer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The more people who agree with us, the less nagging insecurity about
our position.
-- Alan Watts
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When there is good news, and it is NEWS, we do report it, but usually news
is a record of human failures. Those wanting to celebrate human accomplishment
are...advised to go to the sports section.
-- Linda Ellerbee
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Dogs that can sniff out bombs would be invaluable in Hollywood, wouldn't you
say? They'd save the studios millions.
-- Raymond Burr
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A kiss is a precedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech
at a moment when words are superfluous.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
People in Hell - where do they tell someone to go?
-- Red Skelton
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When the rhythm section ain't makin' it, go for yourself.
-- Ben Webster
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Family reunions are all relative.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
People never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
from religious convictions.
-- Blaise Pascal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A lot of Michael's success is due to timing and luck. It could just
as easily have been me.
-- Jermaine Jackson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Einstein's Theory of Relatives)
The number of person's relatives is directly proportional to his fame.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[My motion picture] cartoons were never made for children. Nor were they made
for adults. They were made for me.
-- Chuck Jones, Animator
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Sex is a misdemeanor - the more you miss, da meaner you get.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Birth Control is avoiding the issue.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Soul music should always be played in the key of "be natural."
-- Mose "Groove" Satin, contributed by David Pavlovitch
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Laocoon's Law of Improbable Generosity)
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but do check for Greek soldiers
elsewhere in its anatomy.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Behind every successful woman there is a man...or two.
-- A. Nonny Mouse
CORRECTION
According to informed (and biased) sources, yesterday's thought should have
read:
Behind every successful man there is a successful woman.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Loneliness is a good thing to share with someone.
-- "Coach", Cheers
*************************** ANNOUNCING TRIVIA CONTEST *************************
Do you know the words to the song "Louie, Louie"? If you do, send them to me
by electronic mail. The first person to supply the complete, correct lyrics
(all verses) wins a prize!
-- Laddie
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If at first you don't succeed - so much for skydiving.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Next to the dog, the wastebasket is man's best friend.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Everyone should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Laddie's Law of Mathematical Science)
Variables won't; constants aren't.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion)
There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
We are the people our parents warned us against.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The law of probable dispersal)
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Curiosity kills more mice than cats.
WISE ADVICE FOR THE DAY
Never plunge the Blob.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You are not a carpenter until you've run one finger through the saw; if you run
too many fingers through the saw, you're not a carpenter.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Pray as if it were up to God, but work as if it were up to you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
He who blows his horn the loudest, does so because he's usually in a fog.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When we played softball, I'd steal second, then feel guilty and go back.
-- Woody Allen
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Best sports event I remember was the two hookers at Polly Adler's.
-- Milton Berle
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
All the world's an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The doggone computer is man's best friend.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A pipe gives a wise man time to think
and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You can definitely make mistakes, but you cannot make mistakes indefinitely.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Many people grow grapes - for raisins of their own.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Most pigs end up making hogs of themselves.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
What some people lack in intelligence, they more than make up for in stupidity.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The strong take from the week,
the rich take from the poor,
and the government takes from everyone.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Mirrors are twice as good as windows - you only have to clean one side
to see clearly.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
What the large print giveth - the small print taketh away.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It takes a whale 48 hours to gather a day's meal, leaving them almost no time
for water sports or reading Melville.
-- Max Shulman
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Some people fish in the sea of life with no bait.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Love is a matter of chemistry; Sex is a matter of physics.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Scientists say that the upper atmosphere is becoming poluted with leftover
space junk from satelite launches. How about a future TV program -
"STAR DREK: The Trash Generation"?
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Anybody who says money can't buy happiness - doesn't know where to shop.
-- Jackie Gleason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Freedom doesn't mean reciting a loyalty oath on command. They have that kind
of freedom in the U.S.S.R. American freedom means the right NOT to recite
a loyalty oath if - for reasons of religion, politics or simple perversity -
you don't want to.
-- Michael Kingsley in TIME, 09/12/88
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If the automobile business had developed like the computer business, a
Rolls-Royce would [today] cost $2.75 and go three million miles on a
gallon of gasoline.
-- Stuart Gannes in FORTUNE, 08/01/88
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,
you're carrying it too far.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Cliff's Law)
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
ATTENTION!
Due to the current drought, the Los Angeles Water Dept. says:
"Don't waste water - dilute it!"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Treat an adult like a two-year-old and you'll get two-year-old results.
-- contributed by Alan Zak
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Olympic Dept., Part 1)
Greg Louganis turned air and water into gold.
-- NBC commentator, 09/26/88
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Olympic Dept., Part 2)
To the victors go the specimen bottles.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you're right.
-- Henry Ford, conrtibuted by Mark Frederick
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When you tell everyone what you know then the only thing you leave them
to focus on is WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.
-- Contributed by Nancy Sain
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Q: What's the difference between a fairy tale and a trucker's story?
A: A fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." and a trucker's story begins
"Now, this ain't no shit..."
-- New Yorker, 09/12/88
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Winning isn't everything, but losing sucks.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Never, NEVER play leapfrog with a Unicorn.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If polls are so accurate, why are there so many polling companies?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The only way to make something foolproof is to keep it away from fools.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
I lit my fire. I greased my skillet. And I cooked.
-- Charlie (Yardbird) Parker
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (King Solomon's Law for 500th wife)
It's going to be plenty soft for you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Dogs are no good, because the sons of bitches (and they are, you know)
wet on flowers.
-- W.C. Fields
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (HEAVY POLITICAL THOUGHT DEPT.)
Potentially, a government is the most dangerous threat to man's rights: it
holds a legal monopoly on the use of physical force against legally disarmed
victims...It is not as protection against private actions, but against
governmental actions that the Bill of Rights was written.
-- Ayn Rand
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ADVICE (from those who should know)
Mort Saul: Vote NO.
Jeff Sedario: Democracy is a privilege, but this year we should be paid
to vote.
Pat Paulsen: I'm not right-wing or left-wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The pot at the end of the rainbow is not Acapulco Gold.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
But you perceive, my boy, that it is not so, and that facts, as usual,
are very stubborn things, overruling all theories.
-- Prof. Von Hardwigg/Jules Verne
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Rule for Survival #1)
Beware of the doctor whose wife sells cemetery lots, whose brother owns a
granite quarry, and whose father deals in spades.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...
and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
-- Victor Borge
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The elections are over - let the indictments begin!
-- Mack & Jamie
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Haiku Dept.)
Just like a fortune
I had gathered up my youth
Then I spent it.
-- Paul Rubenfeld (as a child), AKA Paul Rubens, AKA Pee-Wee Herman
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Definition of Las Vegas: A town where you can do so well that you can arrive
in a $20,000 Cadillac and leave in a $50,000 bus.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Definition of a comedian: A guy with a good memory who hopes no one else has.
-- Red Skelton
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's a lot easier to hate a country than hate a person.
-- Alex Keaton, "Family Ties"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If a pickpocket meets a saint, he sees only his pockets.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
LEOPARD: A dotted lion.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
ICEBERG: A permanent wave.
-- Mickey Mouse
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
ILLEGAL: A sick bird.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
CAREFUL DRIVER: One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light.
-- Ralph Marterie
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong.
I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
QUOTE OF THE DAY
In Heaven: The police are British, the cooks French, the lovers Italian --
and it's all organized by the Germans.
In Hell: The police are French, the cooks British, the lovers German --
and it's all organized by the Italians.
-- Wall Street Journal, 11/21/88
QUOTE OF THE DAY
...Chess. You can learn it in an afternoon
and spend the rest of your life mastering it.
-- Adam Green
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
DACHSHUND: A Great Dane after taxes.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (SOUSA'S OBSERVATION)
Some instruments in a drum-and bugle corps are purely cymbolic.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The "Beautiful Princess" Law)
Before you meet any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Personally, I used to believe in reincarnation,
but that was in a previous lifetime.
-- Paul Krassner
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We have met the enemy, and they is us.
-- Walt Kelly ("Pogo")
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Don't take life so serious -- it ain't nohow permanent.
-- Walt Kelly
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
How do you get a camel through the eye of a needle?
First you run the beast through a meat grinder...
-- Art Young
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
GEOLOGIST: A scientist who won't take Noah for an answer.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We do diddly do
What we must
Muddily must
Until we bust
Bodily bust
-- Kurt Vonegut, contributed by Sybil
INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE COMMON COLD ('Tis the Season Dept.)
Studies involving volunteers exposed to the elements show that cold, wetness,
and drafts don't increase the chances of catching a cold. And Arctic explorers
never get colds...unless they receive visitors. Colds occur more often in
wintertime, when people crowd together indoors and have more chances to infect
one another...It's probably easier to catch a cold by shaking hands than by
kissing...Studies of kissing couples -- one with a cold, one without -- found
that osculation seldom led to inoculation.
-- Consumer Reports, Jan 1989
QUOTE OF THE DAY
It ain't braggin' if you done it.
-- Dizzy Dean
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (A Mother's Law)
Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.
****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ******
THE REAGANS NARROWLY ESCAPE AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE DEVIL!!!!
[The Reagans] bought the 7,192-square-foot ranch-style house at 666 St. Cloud
Road in Bel-Air for $2.5 million. In February, the address was officially
changed to 668 on city records because of the "mutual concern" of the Reagans
that the old number could be construed as a Biblical reference to Satan...
-- from "THE REAGANS: First Family Easing Into Private Life", LA Times, 11/19/88
QUOTE OF THE DAY
If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave?
-- Frazier Crane, "Cheers"
****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ******
WHEN IN SHANGHAI, DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE!
"China's leading industrial city of Shanghai has recently been recognized as
one of the cities without bedbugs by the National Bedbug Control Appraisal
Group. For many years, the city had kept bedbug density below the state
standard."
-- from a press release by the New China News Agency English Language Service
MOTTO FOR THE DAY
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
MOTTO FOR THE DAY
The human mind is like a parachute - it functions best when it is open.
W.C. FIELD'S MAXIM FOR THE DAY
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking
when you're interrupting.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
No hospital staff physician is totally worthless;
he can always be used as a horrible example.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
PARROT: A bird with the ability to imitate man,
but not the intelligence to refrain from doing so.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Political Dept.)
[Berkeley, California] is a town in which half the people are seeking to
overthrow the federal government while the other half are seeking the
perfect croissant.
-- R. Howard Bloch, WSJ 01/11/89
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former
slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together
at the table of brotherhood.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PATRIOTISM: The conviction that this country is superior to all others
because you were born in it.
-- George Bernard Shaw
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
JOURNALISM: Literature in a hurry.
-- Mathew Arnold
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
TWINS: Wombmates
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Folk music? Man, I don't know any kind of music but folk music. I ain't
never heard a hoss sing a song.
-- Louis Armstrong
DEFINITION OF THE DAY (Jr. Division)
LAW OF GRAVITY: One of the first laws passed by Congress. It says no fair
flying without an airplane.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
LAWYER: One skilled in circumvention of the law.
-- Ambrose Bierce
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
POLES: People who say "Thank God for that big buffer state between us and
Red China."
-- Victor Zorza
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's better to be mooned than shot at.
-- Jack Smith
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Demagogue Dept.)
Every channel, every satellite, every radio, every television ought to belong
to God's people. We should have possessed it many years ago. But we let the
devil have it. And, oh, he took it, yes he did. He was glad to have it.
Satan has been using the airwaves with impunity for many years to curse and
damn the soul of men and women, boys and girls...and we let it happen.
-- Paul Crouch, Trinity Broadcasting Network
DEFINITION OF THE DAY (Nautical Division)
MERMAID: Not enough fish to fry and not enough woman to love.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
TV ads always show detergents getting out blood stains. I say if you have
a T-shirt full of blood stains, maybe laundry isn't your problem.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan
couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl
PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE
Have you often wondered how to spot a drunk driver? Well, wonder no longer!
The following fascinating revelation is quoted in entirety from a pamphlet
supplied by LA Cellular Telephone Company:
CLUES TO SPOT A DRUNK DRIVER
Driving without headlights on.
Weaving and crossing the road/wide turns.
Driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driving 10 MPH below the legal limit.
Nearly striking an object.
Acceleration changes.
Tires on center line.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
-- Lily Tomlin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Husbands think we should know where everything is -- like the uterus is a
tracking device. He asks me, "Roseanne, do we have an Chee-tos left?" Like
he can't go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.
-- Roseanne Barr
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Architecture is the triumph of human imagination over materials, methods,
and men, to put man into possession of his own earth.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I read where Nancy Reagan got a humanitarian award. Sure glad she beat out
that conniving bitch Mother Teresa.
-- Jay Leno
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Ten million mothers freebase -- and I blow up!
-- Richard Pryor
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I used to want to save the world; now I just want to leave the room
with some dignity.
-- Lotus Weinstock
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic
who doesn't own a car.
-- Carrie Snow
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm dating a girl now. Evidently she's not aware of it.
-- Garry Shandling
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
GOVERNMENT: A group of men organized to sell protection to the inhabitants
of a limited area at monopolistic prices.
-- Maxwell Anderson
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
GOD: The hero of a book called the Bible.
-- Nelson Glueck
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FILING CABINET: A place to lose things alphabetically.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
EPITAPH FOR THE DAY (Professional Waitress Dept.)
She never kept a thirsty man waiting for his ale,
and always brought him a wee bit more than a pint.
-- Lillian Huxley, "Cheers"
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FATHER: A man who, in praising his son, extols himself.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Civilization Marches On Dept.)
Salman Rushdie obviously didn't anticipate that his rich, teeming hyper-modern
novel would find itself judged by the hidebound tenets of the medieval mind --
a mind that needn't read a book to condemn it.
-- John Powers
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Grammy Award Dept.)
On my boyfriend's face.
-- Lita Ford (when asked if she works out)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Living-In-A-Slum Dept., Part One)
In my neighborhood, we say "Yo" to drugs.
-- Jay London
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Living-In-A-Slum Dept., Part Two)
I swear my roaches have military training. I set off a roach bomb,
they defused it.
-- Jay London
POEM FOR THE DAY
Shake and shake
The catsup bottle
None will come,
And then a lot'll.
-- Richard Armour, who died last Tuesday at 82
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old.
-- George Burns
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the Gods.
-- Emo Phillips
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Tortelli men:]
Draw women like flies,
Treat women like flies,
And their brains are in their flies.
-- Carla Tortelli, "Cheers"
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
STRIPTEASER: A girl who looks well in anything she takes off.
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
ACTOR: A person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled
with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and
say "What a lovely view there is from this window!"
-- Variety
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Cole's Law)
Thinly sliced cabbage.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The publisher of the London Star (a sort of National Enquirer for scone-eaters)
has taken a survey indicating that the three most attention-getting words for
the British audience are (in order) "sex", "win", and "free". The chap said
that if he could run a contest with a banner reading "Win Free Sex!" he'd be
the only newspaper left in London.
-- (continued tomorrow) Jeff Duntemann in Dr. Dobb's Journal, April 1989
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'd have to say that the [three most attention-getting] words to American eyes
are "murder", "UFOs" and "Elvis". (Which makes one long to run a story with
the headline, "UFOs Murder Elvis!")...
-- Jeff Duntemann in Dr. Dobb's Journal, April 1989
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Infants speak many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The great thing about television is if something REALLY important happens,
night or day, ANYWHERE in the world, you can always change the channel.
-- Jim Ignatowsky, "Taxi"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
In the sixth [inning]...Dodger right fielder Mike Marshall discovered that the
ball carries much better in Anaheim if it doesn't touch the ground until after
clearing the fence.
-- John Weyler, L.A. Times
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DEMOCRACY: The worst form of government except for all the other systems
which have never been tried.
-- Winston Churchill
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To live forever, acquire a chronic illness and take care of it.
OBSERVATION OF THE DAY
When a body is immersed in water -- the telephone rings.
-- Archimedes G. Bell
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Inspect every piece of pseudoscience [such as Astrology or ESP] and you will
find a security blanket, a thumb to suck, a skirt to hold. What have we
[science] to offer in exchange? Uncertainty! Insecurity!
-- Isaac Asimov
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Ross's Law)
Bare feet magnetize sharp objects so that they always point upward from the
floor -- especially in the dark.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A home is ruled by the sickest person in it.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Betty Ford built a hospital, hired doctors and spent millions of dollars trying
to end the drug problem. Nancy Reagan comes along and says, "Just say no."
If "Just say no" works, wouldn't Betty Ford feel like an idiot? And isn't this
the way the Reagans solved every social problem? What's that, you're homeless?
Just say "Camping". Abused child? Just say "Ouch!"
-- Tom Shiekman, founder of "Comedy IQ" Club
OBSERVATION OF THE DAY
One of the nice parts about heading toward middle age is that you can find all
your favorite music in the bargain bin.
-- Ken Floyd, quoted by Burton Hillis
LIMERICK FOR THE DAY
The owl from his perch in the trees,
Doesn't bother to prey on his knees;
Preferring instead
To rotate his head
Three hundred and sixty degrees.
-- Nancy White, as quoted by Jack Smith
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Ethel Merman can hold a note longer than Chase Manhattan Bank.
-- George Gershwin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Pubic hair is nature's way of teaching us to floss.
-- The Playboy Advisor
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you steal from one person it's plagiarism. If you steal from several
people it's research.
-- Linda Ellerbee
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Women - you can't live with 'em, and you can't shoot 'em.
-- Steven Wright
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Men - you can't live with 'em, and you can't shoot 'em.
-- Mae West (?)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Pavlov's Principle)
When the bell rings, there had better be some supper.
LUNCH NOTE (Crude Humor)
Due to the Valdez oil spill, when we are served fish for lunch, please tell
Walter if you want Regular, Ethel or Unleaded.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Home is a place where, if you have no place to go, they gotta take you in.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is truly said that the good die young.
That's the reason for all of my fears!
So let us be evil and wicked and bad,
and stay here for thousands of years."
-- Nipsey Russell, Match Game '69, contributed by Scott Smith
LUCILLE BALL (1912-1989)
She's not gone - she's just playing to a larger audience.
-- Karen Pope
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Screw U. Dept.)
I think the movies look better in color, pal, and they're my movies.
-- Ted Turner, when asked why he has old films colorized
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY (Crude Humor Dept., Part 2)
Q: What's an Exxon Cocktail?
A: 10 million gallons on the rocks.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Today's quote has been recalled for service.
CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!!
Chemists Stanley Pons of the University of Utah and Martin Fleischmann of the
University of Southampton in England recently announced the results of one of
their experiments. They claim to have produced nuclear fusion in the
laboratory at temperatures far below what most scientists believe is possible,
using simple and cheap apparatus.
At a news conference recently, one questioner asked Pons: "Are you Prometheus,
Pandora, or Piltdown Man?" (His reply was "No comment.")
There is a prize waiting (worth at least $3.95!!) for the first person to best
interpret or explain the interviewer's query; that is, what is the symbolism
of the three P's? All entries must be sent to me by electronic mail and I
will be the sole judge of all entries. All entrants must be current
employees of this company, full or part time.
How you obtain the answer is up to you, but torturing me is out (Sorry!).
-- Laddie
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Quayle Droppings Dept.)
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that
I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
-- Dan Quayle (with tongue in cheek?)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Education is what you get from reading the small print.
Experience is what you get from not reading it.
HOMILY FOR THE DAY
He who gets too big for his britches gets exposed in the end.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
THIS IS SNIGLET WEEK!
What is a sniglet? It is a word that inadvertently got left out of the
dictionary (after all, Mr. Webster has only so many hands). For example,
the special mixture of popcorn butter and Coke syrup that covers the floors
of movie theaters as called CINEMUCK.
If you have some sniglets to contribute, send them to me by electronic mail.
Credit to the above goes to Rich Hall.
SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
A car which when left unattended in a parking lot attracts shopping carts is
called MAGNACARTIC.
-- Rich Hall
SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
The largest French Fry in a bag is called the POTENTATER. Likewise, the
smallest one is the MINUTATER.
-- Rich Hall
SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
Someone who cuts through a corner gas station to avoid a red light is called
an ESSOASSO.
-- Rich Hall
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Read Books - they may be burned tomorrow.
-- Seen in a North Hollywood bookstore
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Money doesn't buy you happiness, but it does get you a better class of enemies.
-- Bob Lake's Dad
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Jacuzzis.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
...we saw the Dino De Laurentiis version of "The Bible." Later we discussed
the implication of Abraham being prepared to slay his son because God told him
to do it. I dismissed that as blind obedience. Abbie [Hoffman] praised it
as revolutionary trust.
-- Paul Krassner
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
COMPOSE: To remember a tune nobody else has thought of.
-- Robert Schumann
QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Who's On First Dept.)
The following conversation ensued when Pittsburgh Mayor Sophie Masloff, 71,
asked the town council about an upcoming summer concert by "The How":
Stadium Chairman Whitmer:"Not the How, The Who"
Masloff: "The who?"
Whitmer: "Yes."
Masloff: "Is there a Who group and a How group?"
Senator Scanlon: "What the hell is The How?"
Stadium Staff G. Baron: "There isn't a group called The How as far as I know."
-- L.A. Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Halitosis is better than no breath at all.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You win some, you lose some, and some get rained out,
but you gotta suit up for them all.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sooner or later, everything good gets packaged.
-- Calvin Trillin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy --
but that could change.
-- VP Dan Quayle
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The difference between Speaker Wright and Elvis Presley is that everyone knows
Wright is dead.
-- anon., Capitol Hill
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When I was a kid, I had a dream - to be an astronaut
and land on the planet Jayne Mansfield.
-- Al Bundy
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I still like radio better than TV...I told the NAB (National Association of
Broadcasters) convention that it was all a question of timing. If TV had
come first, people would talk about the great invention radio that does away
with all those unsightly pictures.
-- Phyllis Diller
HOMILY FOR THE DAY
Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a good carpenter to build one.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The main trouble with democracy is that the people eventually realize they can
vote themselves the treasury; then you have anarchy.
-- H. L. Mencken
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The less you say, the less you have to take back.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DRAMEDY: Two-hump comedy.
-- Robin Williams
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
NINTENDO: Kiddie Cocaine
-- Robin Williams
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm expecting a second child soon. Actually, my wife is, but they say the
father shares in the birthing experience along with the mother. That must
be true only if you're used to passing a bowling ball.
-- Robin Williams
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
My parents did a pretty good job of bringing us up. They raised us
by the book. Unfortunately the book was "The Shining."
-- John Ashby
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I do believe in ghosts - but most of them are waiters in restaurants.
They take your order and vanish.
-- Bill Murray ("Mr. Ghostbuster")
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, he would have
made us narrower.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To go to bed late and get up early,
Makes a man cross, mean and surly.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Poverty is not "caused" or created: it is the default condition of the human
race, the absence of advanced economic development...It is wealth that must
be "caused." In a capitalist, free society, wealth is the consequence of a
lifetime of commitments honored.
-- Robert Sheaffer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you take a bale of hay and tie it to the tail of a mule and then strike
a match and set the bale of hay on fire, and if you then compare the energy
expended shortly thereafter by the mule with the energy expended by yourself
in the striking of the match, you will understand the concept of amplification.
-- William Shockley (Inventor of the transistor)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One man's nudity is another man's erotica is another man's soft-core
pornography is another man's hard-core obscenity is another man's boredom.
-- Father Bruce Ritter
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Painter's Rule of the Road)
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights will make a left.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Old boomerangs are hard to throw away.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Mark Twain's Law of Fisticuffs)
Place your nose firmly between your opponent's teeth and throw him heavily to
the ground on top of you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral, and inadequate.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Time is nature's way of preventing everything from happening at once.
-- Woody Allen
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem. They know how it's done, they've seen it
done, but they're unable to do it.
-- Ed Asner (obviously no fan of critics)
(Twisted) PROVERB FOR THE DAY
Money is like an eel in the hand; slippery and wiggly, but ever so tasty.
-- Matt Groening
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I think it would be a good idea.
-- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western Civilization
QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Opposing Viewpoints Dept.)
Legal abortion is the biggest health advance of our times.
-- Robin Schneider, CARAL
Abortion stops a beating heart.
-- Seen on a billboard
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently
there must be a beverage.
-- Woody Allen
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am!
Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained.
-- Woody Allen
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Leon called me in [in 1937] and asked me if I could do a pig -- a fine thing
to ask a Jewish kid. The guy they were using actually had a stutter and
used up yards of film. But I could st-st-stutter and ad lib in rhythm.
-- Mel Blanc (1907-1989), the voice of Porky Pig, Bugs Bunny, Barney Rubble,
Daffy Duck and many other cartoon characters
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want to Know Dept.)
What if the opposite sex are all really Martians?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Paradox Dept.)
How do you really know for sure when a question has been answered?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want to Know Dept.)
What if everone in the world is a robot except me?
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I heard Elvis singing "Blue Moon of Kentucky, keep on shining," and I said,
"Wow, looka right here. I don't know who this dude is, but somebody done
opened the door." -- Jerry Lee Lewis
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I know a pill that makes you feel good, but it has a terrible side effect --
it wears off.
-- Jim Ignatowski
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
-- Michael Davis
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If most auto accidents happen within 5 miles of home,
why not move 10 miles away?
-- Michael Davis
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If a cat lands on its feet, and bread lands butter-side down, what happens
if you butter the top side of a cat?
-- Michael Davis
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want To Know Dept.)
Did people in the old days realize how corny they were?
-- Matt Groening
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
No matter where or what, there are makers, takers, and fakers.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Hindsight is always 20/20.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Childrearing Dept.)
You've got to teach your kids when they're young. Show them how to mix that
drink and work that blender. How to keep things real cool on ice. Keep that
fridge stocked. How to use a credit card.
-- John Candy
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Japanese [tape] decks use 160 nanowebers per meter, while Europeans use 250
nanowebers...What's a nanoweber? Beats the shit out of us -- sounds like
something you get by tossing Robin Williams onto a charcoal grill...
-- The Playboy Advisor
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Just remember that you are absolutely unique - just like everyone else.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Most convicted criminals appeal to judges.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
It's better to copulate - than never.
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY (Non-Discrimination Dept.)
The London Fire Brigade, responding to the government's asking why only
thirty-three women were among its 6800 firefighters, dropped its unisex
requirement that all firefighters have at least a thirty-six-inch chest
(expandable to thirty-eight).
-- Quoted in the LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
After subtracting the studio's presumed $127 million in total costs, Time
Warner appears to keep about $263.6 million [from Batman]. Even allowing
for taxes and all the other expenses that we may have missed along the way,
that's a lot of bat bucks.
-- Michael Cielply, LA Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The masses are the opium of religion.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Mother Nature's Truisms Dept.)
Turtles never hurdle.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk,
and cut with an ax.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
-- Bumpersticker
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
LIGHTYEAR: The same as a regular year, only fewer calories.
-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I think the 60's were better in the 60's.
-- Eric Moser, at a Woodstock revival concert
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Remember - no matter where you go, there you are.
-- Prof. Irwin Corey
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The First Law of Experts)
You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The alternative to getting old is depressing.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY
Always remember to take the shrink wrap off your record albums,
cause thin kids can get inside and suffocate.
-- Garry Shandling
ADVICE FOR THE DAY (The Secret-Of Success Law)
Discover all unpredictable errors before they occur.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Taped to a wall in the Voyager imaging team's offices was the Neptune Pledge:
"We, the undersigned, hereby apologize for any sharp words, testiness or
downright rudeness which might occur during the heat of the Neptune encounter."
But only half of the team members bothered to sign.
-- from a Wall Street Journal article
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You have deliberately tasted two worms and you can leave Oxford
by the next town drain.
-- Prof. Archibald Spooner, when dismissing a student
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if
a man bites a dog, that is news.
-- John Bogart
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We have the best congressmen that money can buy.
-- Jo Ann Dearing
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A friend is someone who sympathizes with our troubles when they're not so bad,
and laughs at our jokes when they're not so good.
-- Mark Twain (at least according to Louis DePalma)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Those who fail History are destined to repeat the course.
-- "Gas-s-s-s"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A "government subsidy" is getting just some of your own money back.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[A movie is] 2 hours out of your life that you don't get back in the end.
-- Gene Siskel
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Going to see [the Universal attraction] "Earthquake" [in Southern California]
is like going to see a war movie in Beirut.
-- Fritz Coleman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm liberal on some issues and conservative on others. For example, I would
not burn a flag, but neither would I put one out.
-- Garry Shandling
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
After traditional enemies (the French and the English) and warlike people (the
Scandinavians) adopted democracy, their governments started exchanging
diplomatic notes rather than gunfire; and the United States has never fought a
war against another democracy. Two hundred years is a short run, yet it is
conceivable that modern democracy may be a grander development than we have
suspected -- one that is capable of changing human behavior, or even human
nature.
-- The New Yorker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If necessity is the mother of invention, go explain the Pet Rock.
-- Joan Rivers
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If necessity is the mother of invention, who's the father?
-- Henry Tucker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's not the most intellectual job in the world,
but I do have to know the letters.
-- Vanna White
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm a salami writer. I try to write good salami, but salami is salami.
-- Stephen King
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet, even though I look like
King Kong.
-- Mr. T.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If I had it to do over, maybe I'd try something else. Something easier. It
might not be as much fun. But it might be interesting. Take it again, from
the top?
-- Irving Berlin (1888-1989)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish
to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
-- Ann Landers
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be
beating up on people.
-- Sugar Ray Leonard
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Dept. of Flag Disposal)
My favorite recent [Supreme Court] decision was the discovery of one's legal
right to bar-b-que the Red, White and Blue. The decision had the primary
ingredients of greatness: a huge principle (that's why they call it the FIRST
amendment), a seemingly tough call, and a Public Reaction Coefficient in the
billions...Offending people is what free speech inevitably does; elsewise the
right to free speech would be a superfluous use of constitutional ink...George
[Bush] should be given a Freedoms Foundation medal for missing the point --
the Bill of Rights was crafted specifically to keep the politicians from
pandering to mass sentiment by cutting corners on individual rights...
-- Thomas Hazlett in Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Three Musketeers? No, I haven't read the book, or seen the movie,
but I've had the candy bar.
-- Garry Shandling
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Long-Long Range Planning Dept.)
Yellowstone [National Park]...sits on one of the hottest spots on earth,
with intense volcanic activity stewing below, and with more geysers, hot
springs, mud pots, and steam vents than exist in all the rest of the world.
An ill-defined caldera, or giant crater, that pocks the heart of the park
has been following a cycle of heating and bulging and exploding every six
hundred thousand years. It has been estimated that the most recent eruption
-- about six hundred thousand years ago -- released more than a thousand
times the explosive power of the Mount Saint Helens blast, covered much
of the United States in ash, and blotted out the sun for a year. The caldera
is puckering again, and scientists suspect that it is is due to erupt soon --
perhaps within the next few hundred thousand years.
-- Thomas Hackett, New Yorker
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The pen is mightier than the pencil.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Monty Python comedy group had planned to celebrate their 20-year
anniversary this week, but Graham Chapman (no relation) died of cancer and
the party was cancelled. According to Terry Gilliam, "This is the worst
case of party-pooping I've EVER seen."
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One night I got so lonely I drew a face on my vacuum cleaner.
Donald Maltby, "Brothers"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I couldn't make it as an actor - I remember doing Hamlet, going "To be...
... .... ... (line?)"
-- Robin Williams
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[My Dad and I] had an argument, then later that night he died. And I always
felt guilty because I never could say "I'm sorry", then one day I realized
that he couldn't either.
-- Billy Crystal
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Say something entirely new and say something different,
and the world will pay good money to hear it.
-- Rob Reiner
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Each day in Rangoon [Burma], crowds gathered downtown...under banners calling
for "DEMOCRACY." But on September 19th [1988], in a action that now seems
almost a blueprint for what happened in China nine months later, soldiers
took to the streets and the roofs and gunned down anyone in sight. The
government decreed that from that day on outdoor political gatherings
of more than four people would be fired upon. It kept its word... Early
this year, it seems, the government decided to build footbridges spanning
some of the major downtown streets... The explanation for the overpasses
seems to be that the Army found it inconvenient to fire on demonstrators
from roofs. Lining up on a footbridge would be much more efficient.
--Stan Sesser, "A Rich Country Gone Wrong", The New Yorker
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
If you received a wrong-number phone call asking if you were the Panamanian
Consolate, what would you do? What would you do if you were an actor?
Kurt Rappaport is, and got such a call from KTTV, channel 11 last Tuesday.
Rappaport answered that it was indeed the consulate, and received an invitation
to appear on TV as a Panamanian spokesman. He put on a suit and tie, dug out
an old pair of glasses, and picked up a false mustache at the Hollywood Costume
& Magic Shop on the way to the station. He was broadcast, phony accent,
ersatz mustache and all, on the nightly news as "Arturo Valdez", chairman of
the USA-Panamanian Friendship Council, with a diatribe aimed at Manuel Noriega.
Rappaport said he has not heard from KTTV since news of the hoax broke Friday
night. "I don't know why," he deadpanned. "They've got my number."
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
In thirty years I don't know where I'll be, but I hope I'm happy
and I hope I don't have gas.
-- Billy Crystal
NEWS FLASH!
Effective immediately, the official song of San Francisco is changed from
Tony Bennett's "I left My Heart..." to Elvis Presley's "I'm All Shook Up."
NEWS FLASH! (Dept. of Good Taste)
Universal Studios announced yesterday that their amusement ride, "Earthquake"
will be closed in recognition of recent events. Apparently Good Taste is only
48 hours long, because the ride will reopen tomorrow.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CONURBATION - An extremely large, densely populated urban area, usually
a complex of suburbs and smaller towns together with one large city at
their center.
-- Webster's
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
This was NOT the big one.
-- many experts
QUOTES OF THE DAY (Sky-High Dept.)
Superman don't need no seat belt.
-- Muhammad Ali, when asked to buckle up in an airliner
Superman don't need no airplane, either.
-- Flight attendant
NEWS FLASH OF THE DAY (Monkey Si, Monkey Doo Dept.)
Harvard anthropologists have been following sick chimpanzees around in the
jungle observing what they eat in an effort to heal themselves. Biochemist
Eloy Rodriguez believes that this could lead to new medications effective
against bacteria and viruses. The name for the vegetation collected?
"Plants of the Apes," of course.
-- L.A. Times
NEWS FLASH OF THE DAY (Your Govt. Hard At Work Dept.)
When the Feds set up a sting operation in 1986 to see if it was really possible
to corrupt the democratic system, they were astonished...Establishing a phony
[California] private firm, the G-men requested legislation entitling the
company to government subsidies. In a tribute to reponsive government, the
bill was drawn in a flash and zipped through both houses without opposition.
The FBI agents, worried that they had tampered with the process, then notified
the Governor, who vetoed the measure. But they had to tell him.
-- Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I was walking in Beverly Hills, and out of nowhere,
Zsa Zsa jumped out of the bushes and kicked my ass.
-- Howie Mandel
RUMOR CENTRAL
There is NO truth to the rumor that we is converting to Drive-Thru Service.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Far-sighted Journalism Dept.)
In 1919, Robert Goddard, who was later to be called "the father of modern
rocket science" wrote a paper describing a multi-stage rocket that could take
a payload to the moon. The New York Times chuckled that Goddard lacked even
"the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." Forty-nine years later,
with Apollo II circling the moon, the Times ran a correction. "It has now
been definitely established that a rocket can function in a vacuum. The
Times regrets the error."
-- Smithsonian
MEDIA UPDATE
According to LA Times TV critic Howard Rosenberg, this fall season has been
mostly a flop. To replace the soon-to-be cancelled shows, he suggests these:
"Wise Goy." Drama/Intrigue. An undercover Gentile infiltrates the Jewish
Defense League.
"Me." Interview. Each week Barbara Walters is interviewed by a different
celebrity.
"Dif'rent Notes: The Adventures of Bing Cosby." Comedy. A white family
adopts a pipe-smoking, tiny black crooner who constantly irritates them by
singing Christmas Carols.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Doublespeak Dept.)
Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.
-- Senator Orin Hatch, quoted by Jack Smith
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Did you hear the Burbank Zoo had to close? Their duck died.
-- Johnny Carson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Happy Hunter's Prayer)
Let me meet a girl who already has had enough to drink.
RUMOR FOR THE DAY
Betty Crocker uses a mix.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
God must love stupid people, He made so many of them.
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
In South Carolina, state Rep. Mike Fair heard that promoters were trying to
book the Rolling Stones in the University of South Carolina Stadium. Outraged
that such a lewd group might perform on university grounds, Fair drafted a bill
to stop them. In part, the bill bans any act in which "male or female gentiles
are displayed." Presumably Jews, and gentiles of indeterminate sex, are
allowed.
-- Reason
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You don't have to be a cannibal to get fed up with people.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
People ask stupid questions for a reason.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Sachel Paige's Law)
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
One man's meat is another man's poison, or, kitty heaven is mousie hell.
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - they don't do hardware.
-- Pamela Kane
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
-- "Shock Treatment"
ACHTUNG!
Will the last person to leave East Germany please turn off the strudel?
-- Roger Simon
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You know you're in love when you're willing to share your cash machine number.
-- Elayne Boosler
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Cold War History Dept.)
[During John F. Kennedy's visit to Germany] One old hand at the consulate spent
a day vainly trying to de-Bostonize the President's pronunciation of "Ich bin
ein Berliner" without catching the syntactical slip that made him actually
say, "I am a jelly doughnut."
-- Tom Carson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The reason why television is called a medium is because nothing on it
is well done.
-- Fred Allen
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The money is always there. Only the pockets change.
-- Gertrude Stein
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
BARBARA WALTERS: You've been married forty-two years. What makes your
marriage work?
ROBERT MITCHUM: Lack of imagination, I suppose.
-- "A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love," ed: Jon Winokur
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Rank of drugs, among the "gravest domestic threats facing our nation,"
according to President Bush: 1
New antidrug funds proposed by the Bush administration, expressed as a
percentage of the federal budget: .065
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of network news coverage of President Bush when he is out of the
country that is negative: 19
Percentage of coverage when he is in the country that is negative: 43
Estimated percentage increase on sales of horseshoes since George Bush
took office: 20
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of fax machines in the Gaza Strip, Israel: 15
Number of fax machines in the Gaza strip whose use the Israeli government
has suspended: 15
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Chances that a first-time cigarette smoker will become addicted: 9 in 10
Chances that a first-time user of cocaine will become addicted: 1 in 6
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Age after which Mick Jagger has said that he'd "rather die" than still be
performing "Satisfaction": 45
Estimated amount Mick Jagger, 46, earned each time he performed "Satisfaction"
on tour this fall: $10,000
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.
-- Bumper Sticker
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"LIVE LONG AND PROSPER"
-- SPOCK
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Stupidity got us into this mess; why can't it get us out?
-Will Rogers, contributed by David Pavlovitch
PROFOUND THOUGHT FOR THE DAY ('Tis the Season Dept.)
Jingle bells,
Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way...(etc.)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of filing cabinets full of jokes in Bob Hope's fireproof vaults: 33
Number of these that contain jokes he has not yet used: 17
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Americans who said last year that they didn't know enough about
Dan Quayle to form an opinion: 25
Percentage who said this in September 1989: 45
Percentage of Americans who know what a Whopper is: 90
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the total weight of the earth's population to that of its termite
population: 1 to 10
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of pets blessed at the Feast of St. Francis at New York's Cathedral of
St. John the Divine this fall: 1000
Number of bowls of algae blessed: 1
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount by which cash deposits exceeded cash withdrawals at banks in Miami
in 1988: $4,488,124,000.00
SIGNS OF THE SEASON
1. Chestnuts roasting over an open fire
2. Speilberg nipping at your wallet
-- Maratta
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sometimes shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and hoo ya gonna call?
-- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters 2
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
When the tough get going, the weak get screwed.
SIGNS OF THE SEASON
1. Chestnuts roasting over an open fire
2. Speilberg nipping at your wallet
3. Larry Drago checking the dictionary weekly
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you don't do anything, you get out of practice.
-- Alvena Lind
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Nothing is [so] responsible for the good old days as a bad memory.
-- attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If there's a tassel on the menu, you can add a couple of dollars per person.
-- Andy Rooney
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is very hard to predict,
especially about the future.
-- Niels Bohr
LAST CHANCE!
Do you have a New Year's resolution you want to share with us? Send it by
electronic mail to the user NEW_YEAR by 5PM today. It can be serious or
funious, we'll fearlessly publish it in the next Bulletin.
-- the Data Dudes
POEM FOR THE DAY
I kind of like the playful porpoise,
A healthy mind in a healthy corpus.
He and his cousin, the playful dolphin,
Why they like swimmin like I like golphin.
-- Ogden Nash
POEM FOR THE DAY
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can't be blamed for harboring grudges.
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
-- Ogden Nash
OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY
The cow is of bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.
OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY
The lord in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY
The pig, if I am not mistaken,
Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.
Let others say his heart is big --
I call it stupid of the pig.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Books won't stay banned. They won't burn. Ideas won't go to jail. In the
long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost. The only
sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas.
-- A. Whitney Griswold
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hill wrote a book that established "The Peter
Principle", which states: "In a hierarchy, individuals tend to rise to their
level of incompetence." The book was rejected by 13 publishers until Peter
wrote an article for the L.A. Times applying the principle to Ronald Reagan,
Pat Brown and Sam Yorty. When it was finally published, it sold 8 million
copies, earning its author enough to retire.
Laurence Peter reached his own level of incompetence when he died last Friday.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is very hard to predict, especially about the future.
-- Neils Bohr
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
Baltimore police arrested Thomas Waddell, twenty-five, in October for stealing
thirty live homing pigeons, valued at several hundred dollars, from a neighbor.
An officer had found him walking oddly down the street because twenty-one of
the pigeons were stuffed in his clothes. The officer said, " He looked like a
Michelin tire ad."
-- Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If Jesus were a football player, he'd play fair, he'd play clean,
and he'd put the guy across the line on his butt.
-- Barry Rice, football player for Jerry Falwell's Liberty University
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When an elephant flies, it shouldn't be criticized for doing it badly.
-- Joe Campbell
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount it will cost the Nicaraguan government to hold the elections
scheduled for this month, per voter: $14
Average monthly income of a Nicaraguan : $25
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated total amount convicted drug traffickers in the United States owe
in criminal fines: $108,000,000
Total amount New York City drivers owe in parking fines: $461,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times Tammy Faye Bakker mentions crying in her two books "I Gotta Be
Me" and "Run to the Roar": 60
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage change, since 1974, in the amount of commercial air traffic
in the United States: +100
Percentage change, since 1974, in the number of commercial airports
in the United States: 0
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of Harlequin romances Americans bought last year, per hour: 7,191
-- Harper's Index
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Murphy's Twelfth Law)
You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY
The clean-air fink squad is looking for a few good tattlers. You can join by
simply calling 1-800-CUT SMOG the next time that you see a car belching thick,
black smoke from its tailpipe.
-- LA Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you can smile when everything goes wrong - you must be a repairman.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn
in no other way.
-- Mark Twain
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There are no new jokes, but a joke is new if you have never heard it before.
-- Bob Hope
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Minds, like attics, need to be cleaned out once in a while.
-- Malcolm Forbes
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (You Tell 'Em Dept.)
Minds, like attics, need to be cleaned out once in a while.
-- Malcolm Forbes
So take some acid.
-- Nancy Sain
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.
-- Barbara Walters
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Television tends to present news as a succession of melodramas, the usual
scenario being for Brokaw, Jennings and Rather to show up simultaneously
for such epics as the symbolic crumbling of the Berlin Wall -- rather like
Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Martin Short in "Three Amigos."
-- Howard Rosenberg, LA Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Money no longer talks - it just goes without saying.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Have a .
MURPHY STRIKES AGAIN
The sign-on message yesterday was missing a crucial part - a heart.
Apparently DOS and Novell do not agree on how to display a heart, even on
Valentine's day. It should have read: "Have a ."
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
With judicious use of answering machines, a love affair can be conducted
without the bother of ever talking to the loved one.
-- P. J. O'Rourke
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's easy to save $500 million; you just save $1 million a year for 500 years.
-- Bob Hope
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.
-- The Old Philosopher
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of persons per registered car in the United States: 2
Average number of persons per registered car in Japan: 4
Average number of persons per registered car in China: 1374
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount of oil spilled off the coast of Morocco in December,
expressed as a percentage of the Valdez spill : 186
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of U.S. soldiers killed to those wounded in the U.S. invasion
of Panama, 1:14.
Ratio of Panamanian soldiers killed to those wounded in the invasion, 2:1.
Percentage of the Panamanians killed in the invasion who were civilians, 39.
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times the phrase "do the right thing" has been used in Congress
since Spike Lee's film was released last June : 67
Number of times the phrase was used in reference to a congressional
pay raise: 16
Number of times it was used in reference to racial issues : 1
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average percentage increase in the protrusion of a woman's buttocks
when she wears high heels: 25
-- Harper's Index
HOROSCOPE FOR THE WEEK (GENERAL FORECAST for Feb 23 - Mar 1, 1990)
...Jupiter, retrograde since Halloween, turns direct on Saturday (11:14 AM),
[so] the jokes will be funnier and the judgments fair, and that once the checks
finally arrive, they won't bounce. But first we must endure another incredibly
perceptive, frequently depressive Mercury-Pluto square that only a Scorpio...
could love...the Pisces new moon, Saturday night/Sunday morning at 1:00, is
more reactive than active...Even the sun sextile to Uranus on Fat Tuesday
doesn't have its usual shake, rattle and roll fervor. Could it be the dire and
disatrous Mars-Saturn conjunction...striking fear into the hearts of everyone
the macho military-government-industrial establishment intends to fuck over?
-- Rockie Gardiner, "Rockie Horoscope", LA Weekly
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Even paranoids have enemies.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Given a sufficient number of people and an adequate amount of time, you can
create insurmountable opposition to the most inconsequential idea.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Phone Booth Rule)
A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you're not into sports, guys think you're less of a man unless you can
account for time in activities equally masculine. When they ask, "Wanna go
see the game?" I reply, "I can't - I gotta go put a transmission in a
stripper's car."
-- Bob Nickman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend
their weekends with?"
-- Rita Rudner
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A bunch of Right-To-Lifers were protesting outside my clinic, and it took me
an hour to park. I didn't need an abortion, but I got one anyway just to piss
them off. Not that I mind their demonstrations - it means they're not home
breeding.
- Leah Krinsky
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The NRA has lost touch with reality; they're mad because the president wants
to limit the size of a magazine clip in an automatic hunting weapon to 15
shots. If it takes you 15 shots to bring down an animal, you should be a
vegetarian. "Let's piece all that together - it might be a deer."
-- Jeff Jenna
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Hank Gathers' sudden death on the basketball court apparently affected the
Los Angeles Times proofreader, for the following is quoted EXACTLY as printed:]
MaNY immediately remembered that night hee against Santa Barbara whgen
Gathers fainted at the free thorw line in the seocnd haslf. It was eerie
then; and eerie now.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies
a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not
clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the
sweat of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life
at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of war, it is humanity hanging on
a cross of iron.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Foresight Dept.)
That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to use one?
-- Pres. Rutherford B. Hayes, upon first seeing the telephone, CA 1880
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Baseball is] a very simple game - you throw the ball, you hit the ball,
you catch the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes
it rains.
-- "Nuke", Bull Durham
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times Noriega's prisoner number was bet in the first
Florida state lottery held after he was arrested: 12,139.
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of documents the IRS loses each year: 2,000,000
Estimated gallons of ink used at H&R Block offices last tax season: 16
Estimated gallons of coffee: 2,200,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount Viking Penguin has spent on extra security since publishing
"The Satanic Verses": $3,400,000
Estimated amount Viking Penguin has earned from sales of the book: $3,400,000
-- Harper's Index
**** NEW FLASH FOR THE DAY ****
MUTANT MEDFLY ATTACKS MALATHION CHOPPER PILOT!
Scientist says giant Medfly mistook chopper for mate!
"It was Big, it was Ugly, it was Horny," says pilot...
FILM AT 11!
-- Hollywood Dog, "The Reader"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Cumbersome though the present English system of measures is, it's a miracle
of streamlined efficiency compared to what it was a thousand years ago.
One distance then was defined as three miles, three furlongs, nine acres'
breadths, three perches, nine feet, nine shaftments, nine handsbreadths, and
nine barleycorns, which sounds more like the inventory of a chicken farm than
a measurement. Give me a kilometer any day.
-- Cecil Adams, "The Reader"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and
there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war
or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
-- Plato, "The Republic"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Take care of the land...
Someday you'll be a part of it.
-- sign in Big Santa Anita Canyon
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
Three people were indicted in Nashville in September for a scheme in which
they painted a postal collection box to make it a "temporary night deposit box"
for a bank, then placed the box in front of the bank's regular night deposit
slot and left an "out of order -- please use temporary box" sign beside the
slot.
-- LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I was shopping for groceries when I saw the sign for "Feminine Needs" and I
thought to myself, "Finally, a store that sells nice, cute, well-hung guys
with money who call when they say they're gonna. Where oh where are my
double coupons?"
-- Leah Krinsky
NEWSBREAK FOR THE DAY
Errors in the system used by Paris police to code law violations resulted in
the recent misclassification of 41,000 people accused of crimes. People with
traffic tickets were accused of manslaughter and soliciting prostitutes;
accused murderers were ordered merely to pay fines of about $230; and running
a red light was classified as importing unauthorized veterinary medicine.
-- LA Reader
So if you find an error in our computer system, remember it could be worse.
-- Laddie
NEWSBREAK FOR THE DAY (Bullshit Dept.)
Singer Rita Coolidge, trying to draw attention to the plight of the homeless
in New Orleans in September, said that she favored tougher tax laws for the
rich and that she planned to tell her accountant "immediately" to figure out
how she could pay higher taxes.
-- LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The main purpose of alcohol is to make English your second language.
-- Robin Williams
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Standup comedy is the only art form to be heckled. Picasso never had two drunk
guys in his studio yelling, "More green, idiot!"
-- Bill Maher
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Remember what you were doing when Elvis died? I was pulling the pins
out of my Elvis doll.
-- Doug Benson
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp
and not look bad.
-- Robin Williams
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of months after the Pentagon bought 80,000 camouflage helmet-covers
that it found 80,000 in storage: 3
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Portion of Thirtysomething's advertising that was pulled from
an episode last fall that showed two homosexuals in bed: 60%
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount of time that Michael Jordan has spent aloft while playing in
NBA games, in hours: 3
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of all billboards in white neighborhoods in Baltimore that
advertise alcohol and tobacco: 20
Percentage of all billboards in black neighborhoods that do: 76
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Infiniti [car sales] may not be doing so well, but, hey, at least sales of
rocks and trees are skyrocketing.
-- Jay Leno
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Gorbachev has] changed a lot of things. In his anti-alcohol campaign he
raised the legal drinking age from 2 to 4. You know there are 100,000
alcohol-related collisions a year here [in the Soviet Union] and they
don't even have cars.
-- Yakov Smirnoff
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of all U.S. automobiles in 1900 that were steam-powered: 40
...that were electric: 38
...that used gasoline: 22
-- Scientific American
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture
without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
-- Overheard at the Square Dance
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of "real close personal friends" on President Bush's computerized list
of correspondents: 108
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Value of the year-end bonuses that Drexel Burnham Lambert gave its employees
in December and January: $270,000,000
Estimated amount the company requested in bank loans before it filed for
bankruptcy in February: $300,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Increase, since 1872, in the average interval between eruptions of
Old Faithful, in minutes: 11
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of dating services created in Magdeburg, East Germany,
since last November: 7
-- Harper's Index
SUPREME COURT DECISION OF THE WEEK (and perhaps the year)
In a recent case, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia declared that when
religious rights clash with the government's need for uniform rules, the court
will side with the government.
"We cannot afford the luxury" of striking down laws simply because they limit
someone's religious practices, Scalia said.
In a dissenting opinion, Justice Blackmun said, "I do not believe the Founders
thought their dearly bought freedom from religious persecution a 'luxury,' but
an essential element of liberty."
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Yesterday's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you don't trust me with a choice,
How can you trust me with a child?
-- Bumpersticker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The Secret of Longevity)
I don't wear a coat in hot weather, I don't never lend money I can't get back,
and I don't never drink bad likker.
-- John Falk, 84 when interviewed
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sex with a rubber - that's not sex, it's Tupperware.
-- Paul Rodriguez
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money,
they'd put me away.
-- Red Skelton
NEWS BIT FOR THE DAY
The opening of the border between East and West Germany has provided the
residents with a contrast in cultures. "The East still looks like West Germany
did right after the war," Henrick Muller says.
Easterners crave Western tools and advice, but they resent what they see as
Western greed. Westerners flood across the border each weekend to fill their
cars with cheap gas and food. Gerd Gasdorf, an East German, recently watched
a West German woman buy a butcher's entire stock, despite the protests of other
shoppers. On her way out, an old man grumbled, "I hope you have a nice party."
The West German woman responded, "What party? This meat is for my dog."
-- adapted from The Wall Street Journal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Your Board of Supervisors at Work, Correcting Nature's Flaws)
"Each day, the Columbia River dumps in the Pacific Ocean 90 billion gallons of
fresh water. That is 3.7 billion gallons an hour, 61 million gallons a minute
and 1 million gallons a second. That is wasteful and sinful," says L.A.
Supervisor Kenneth Hahn, who wants the water diverted to Los Angeles, where
presumably it will be used in a less-sinful manner.
-- adapted from The LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I don't have a problem with the economy seating or the first class in the plane
...it's the patio seating thing I'm having trouble with...
-- Rick Dukerman
*** CAUTION ***
This computer system is for the use of trained operators only.
Reckless operation of this machine could alter the earth's orbit.
NEWS BIT FOR THE DAY
Two elementary school principals have banned certain T-Shirts from their
schools for glorifying the wrong attitude. One offensive missive says
"Underachiever and proud of it, man" on a cartoon drawing of Bart Simpson.
J.C. Penney, quivering with courage, has cancelled that particular shirt from
all back and future orders.
The response from the Simpson TV Show's producers? "Don't have a cow, man."
-- adapted from The L.A. Times, with a bow to Walt Kelly
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It doesn't matter what our chances of success are, we have no choice.
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, on Perestroika
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FAITH: An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
-- H.L. Mencken
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Future-Shock Hypothesis)
The time to leave is when the tar is hot, the feathers loose,
and you see two men walking toward you with a pole.
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Inflation Where It Hurts The Most Dept.)
The cost of laughing rose 9.4% in 1990, due to increases in the cost of rubber
chickens and other humor items. Calling the funny-fowl price increases
"no laughing matter," humor consultant Malcolm Kushner says rubber chicken
prices are up 33% in three years, while dancing chicken telegrams are up 18%.
-- The Wall Street Journal
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
LOVE IS...staying up all night at the bedside of a sick child...
or with a very healthy adult...
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Projected total cost to taxpayers of the S&L bailout, expressed as a percentage
of the federal deficit : 300
Rank of the corporation formed to manage the bailout, among the largest U.S.
real estate concerns : 1
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Fine for parking a pickup truck in one's own driveway
in Flossmoor, Illinois : $10
-- Harper's Index
TRIBUTES FOR THE WEEK
He was all the floats in the big parade...
-- Charles Champlin, said about Sammy Davis Jr.
[During an interview] Henson only became voluble when he spoke as Kermit.
To a little green frog, the spotlight was a warm and wonderful place to be.
-- Lynne Heffley, LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
By 1995,...Operating a computer will be as basic and necessary a skill as
driving a car.
-- Dr. Marvin J. Cetron, The 1989 Information Please Almanac
COW POETRY FOR THE DAY
" Distant Hills"
-------------
The distant hills call to me.
Their rolling waves seduce my heart.
Oh, how I want to graze in their lush valleys.
Oh, how I want to run down their green slopes.
Alas, I cannot.
Damn the electric fence!
Damn the electric fence!
-- Gary Larson
HOMILY FOR THE DAY
If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.
-- Mike Peters
NEWS ITEM FROM THE PAST (When there was REAL news to gather)
The reported elopements from Little Sturgeon and subsequent marriage, as
announced in these columns a couple of weeks ago, turns out to have been a
baseless fabrication. Fortunately the names of the parties were not given
in the item.
-- Sturgeon Bay Advocate, May 3, 1890
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Most Americans -- including many Californians -- tend to think of Los Angeles
as the city without a past. But now that the 20th century is starting to feel
like history, a big chunk of that history has "L.A." stamped all over it.
Ruthless plutocrats, castle-building realtors, oil speculators, religious
fanatics, and 2 million Midwesterners looking for Oz were all there at the
creation of a metropolis that, unlike most, invented itself by a sheer act
of will.
-- Tom Carson, L.A. Weekly
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Presidential Timber Dept.)
Let me give you a little serious political inside advice. One single word.
Puppies. Worth 10 points.
- President Bush, campaigning for a New York candidate
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Fur coats should be limted to those who can grow them.
-- Morris
CORRECTIONS AND AMPLIFICATIONS
Some people have asked why Friday's quote by Morris spelled "limited" as
"limted". There is a purrfectly simple explanation for this, as those close
to Morris know - he has a slight speech impediment. But don't tell anyone, or
you'll let the cat out of the bag.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If the celebrated Polish opera star Wanda Waleska had married Howard Hughes,
then divorced him and married Henry Kissinger, she'd be Wanda Hughes Kissinger
now.
-- Martin Gardner
NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY
The water supply situation in Los Angeles is not nearly as critical as in the
Central California Valley from Monterey to Santa Barbara. Throughout
Monterey, residents are reminded to conserve water. Water district ads in
local newspapers suggest that residents "shower with a frond," to water their
houseplants. Other ads remind residents that when they have "guests from
hell," they can apply for extra water rations. In a local shopping center,
there are signs in all the bathrooms: "In the land of sun and fun, we never
flush for No. 1."
-- adapted from LA Times
NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY
The postal service plans to stretch out some deliveries and raise basic rates
next year. Louis Rukeyser recently joked that a 30-cent stamp is about right -
"five cents for postage and 25 cents for storage."
-- Wall Street Journal
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REDNECK
If your wife ever had her hairdo sliced by a ceiling fan...
...you might be a redneck.
If you ever helped your brother move his refigerator, and the grass underneath
was yellow... ...you might be a redneck.
If your family tree doesn't fork... ...you might be a redneck.
MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR (In Production, Name to be Thunk Up Later)
The Quintessential BUDDY MOVIE: Starring......Buddy Hackett
and......Buddy Ebsen
Sound Track...Buddy Holly
Ice Cream by..Nutty Buddy
Using.........The Buddy System
Percussion Sound Effects by...(you fill it in)
- "Silent Pictures Maratta"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Just say NO to catnip.
-- Morris
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I went to the nude beach, but they didn't like me there. You're not supposed
to wear anything, and I was wearing a video camera.
-- Dan St. Paul
NEWS OOPS FOR THE DAY
A correction in the "Ask Beth" advice column in the April 13 Boston Globe
told readers to disregard her statement the day before that women are "least
likely" to get pregnant halfway between the beginnings of successive periods.
It's "most likely".
-- LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
My research shows the sentence in the English language least used by females
is, "I'm goin' for a cheese-steak." In the interest of fairness, the sentence
least used by males is, "Oooh, look, there's a sale on dust ruffles over at
Stroud's." And taking both sexes into account, the one you'll never, ever
hear is, "No, that Porsche belongs to the banjo player."
-- Eric Boardman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[The newspaper La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of expression.
This was a lie and we could not let them publish it.
-- Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry Director of Censorship, Nicaragua,
quoted in the New York Times, 1984
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PRAY: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single
petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of the ten largest environmental magazines that are printed
on recycled paper : 3
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
-- Henry Kissinger (attributed)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Ideology is the death of ideas.
-- William K. Shireman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A good standup [routine] is not a monologue, but a dialogue with the audience.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Say, have you heard the one about the three drunk airline pilots? They have
been accused of being intoxicated while flying a Northwest Airlines plane
from Fargo to Minneapolis on March 8.
How did they get caught? They were riding around on the baggage carousel.
Why did the flight have three pilots? Because they don't like to drink alone.
Why did they delay the landing? They had to wait for the airport to stop
circling.
-- various sources
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CONSERVATIONISTS: Voices crying out in the wilderness.
-- Time
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CONFISCATE: From two latin words meaning "put into the public treasury."
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
SEAWEEDS: What you don't want the people next door to do when they look
at your garden.
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PET SHOP: A Chock Full O' Mutts emporium.
-- Louis Sobol
QUESTION FOR THE DAY
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to inform him of his right
to remain silent?
-- Jay Leno
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
GOVERNMENT: An art consisting in taking as much money as possible from
one class of citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire
NEWS STORY FOR THE DAY
Because of fears that the song would send students dancing out of control
in its aging football stadium, the University of South Carolina heeded its
insurer's demand and forbade bands from playing "Louie Louie" at games.
-- LA Reader
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
MOUNTAIN CLIMBER: One who wants to take just one more peak.
-- Scholastic Magazine
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of trees George Bush has pledged to plant in the United States in the
next five years: 5,000,000,000
Amount he has proposed to cut from existing Forest Service tree-planting
programs next year: $32,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Acres of solar panels it would take to fulfill all human energy
needs: 83,000,000
Percentage of the earth's landmass this represents: 0.2
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Sales of Teenage Mutant Nunja Turtles merchandise since the
film was released in April: $500,000,000
Sales of tickets to the film: $110,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of American children under the age of 6 who say that the first
U.S. flag was sewn by Betsy Ross: 15
Percentage who say it was sewn by Barbara Bush: 29
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount of trash left in New York City's Central Park by people
attending Earth Day festivities, in tons: 100
Amount of trash retrieved from Mount Everest since April, in tons: 2
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Minimum number of songs that Patti Page had in Billboard's Top One Hundred
every year between 1948 and 1982: 1
-- New Yorker
INTERVIEW FOR THE DAY
PLAYBOY: Describe the contents of Church Lady's medicine cabinet.
DANA CARVEY: Her medicine chest would be really stripped down. Probably
aspirin and good tartar-control tooth paste. Toothbrush and Listerine. There
might be a four-by-six picture of Minister Bob that she keeps in the Band-Aid
box. One time, she saw him mowing the lawn in his tight little Bermuda Shorts
and she started feeling tempted by Satan. So to suppress her satanic desires,
she popped a butter-rum Life Saver and sucked like there was no tomorrow.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of Americans killed by enemies in World War II: 405,399
Number of Americans killed each year from tobacco use: 425,000
-- adapted from a Councilman Marvin Braude letter
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
In biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford.
Just like today.
-- Abigail Van Buren
WHY OIL SPILLS ARE GOOD
1. Every once in a while, it's good to give the ocean's self-cleaning
mechanisms a real workout. It's like taking your car for a long, fast
drive on a summer afternoon.
2. Oil-coated birds are better protected against the sun's rays than non-oil-
coated birds.
3. Lab tests prove that many underwater plants actually love the taste of
Petroleum!
4. A ruined fishing industry means that people will go back to eating more
meat, America's most virile food.
5. People in the media also benefit! Spill-videotapers, interviewers of
bird-washers, ecological-disaster predictors, etc. -- without us, where
would they be?
-- D. Alvin Armbruster, CEO, ABC Oil Corp., courtesy of R. Chast
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Among the many souvenirs put on board the Voyager spacecraft, now leaving our
solar system, was a copy of Chuck Berry's 1958 recording, "Johnny B. Goode."
"I fully expect that Voyager will be picked up by a space-faring civilization
one day, said Rich Terrile, JPL scientist. "It will be placed in a museum and
revered. I'm hoping that space-faring civilization will be our own. Or if
not, we'll at least receive a message in 40,000 years or so from some distant
solar system. And that message will say: `Send more Chuck Berry.'"
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of personal-computer disks seized from American homes by Secret
Service agents last May: 23,000
-- Harper's Index
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
NUMISMATICS: Collecting money for fun.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
SCULPTURE: Mud pies which endure.
-- Cyril Connolly
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
POLYGON: A dead parrot.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PRISM: A place where convex are kept.
POEM FOR THE DAY "Ode To Vanna White"
Oh Vanna,
Vanna,
Vanna, Vanna,
Vanna,
You're all woman
And I'm all manna...
-- John B. Williams
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
MORTICIAN: A man whose life is a grave undertaking.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Alice Brockgreitens of Whittier recalls that when she worked on the St. Paul
Dispatch/Pioneer Press, an editor, hoping to promote originality, banned the
use of the articles "a", "the", or "an" as the first word of any story.
Anyone who has ever worked as a newpaper reporter knows that would be hard to
achieve.... One night on deadline, her paper's police reporter heard that
police had fished the nude body of an unidentified woman from the Mississippi
River.
Pressed for time and frustrated by the editor's rule, she wrote the following
story lead: "Hi there, folks! The nude body of an unidentified woman was
pulled from the icy waters...."
-- Jack Smith
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Under a water conservation ordinance adopted by the City Council last month,
mandatory water rationing will be implemented if residents fail to meet a
conservation goal of 10% in any month. In July, DWP customers cut use by
[only] 9.8%... If the trend continues, officials warn, mandatory rationing
may be imposed...
-- L.A. Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of
an oncoming train.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A short list of Arab hates reads like an adaptation of the Tom Lehrer song,
"National Brotherhood Week":
The Iraqis hate the Syrians,
The Yemenis hate the Saudis,
The Jordanians hate the Kuwaitis --
And everyone hates the Jews.
-- Geraldine Brooks & Tony Horwitz, WSJ
MYSTERY OF THE DAY
Just a few days ago the United States didn't have the money to educate its
children, care properly for the sick, safely store toxic waste, rebuild its
infrastructure or house its homeless. Suddenly we are embarking on a military
adventure that according to the Center for Defense Information, will cost us
$14.6 million PER DAY [and that was last week's figure.]
-- Michael Ventura, LA Weekly
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next
freeway exit.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of
an oncoming train.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Psychologist B.F. Skinner, 86, died last week. He was best known for his
principle of "operant behavior," which holds that every action is a response
to reward and punishment. Skinner taught pigeons to dance, play pingpong and
play the piano using the Skinner Box, in which animals push buttons that
reward them with food for tricks.
Asked once if he would do anything in his life differently, he replied, "Just
one thing...If I could do it all over again, I'd never teach those pigeons to
play pingpong."
-- USA Today
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Reward the Columian army offered last spring for the capture of Medellin drug
lord Pablo Escobar: $400,000
Reward Escobar offered for "the head" of Columbia's investigative-police
chief: $1,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of snails that animal-rights activists liberated from a snail farm
in England last March: 153,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Discrimination Against The Scots Dept.)
Maximum amount a Los Angeles taxi company can be fined if its drivers are
found wearing anything plaid: $1,500
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Federal housing funds spent by New Jersey's Passaic Housing Authority in 1988
and 1989 to feed stray cats: $14,865
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of people per square mile during peak season in the
Yosemite Valley: 3,320
Number of people per square mile in Houston: 2,986
-- Harper's Index
NOSTALGIA ITEM FOR THE DAY
1976: (1) Steve Wozniak proposes to Hewlett-Packard that it create a personal
computer.
(2) Steve Jobs proposes the same to Atari.
(3) Both are rejected.
(4) Steve 1 & Steve 2 form Apple computer, build the Apple I and take it
to the Byte Shop, which orders a few dozen on condition that the kit
be preassembled.
(5) The rest is history.
-- Adapted from Byte
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
In the light of the largest American military mobilization since the Vietnam
War,...Saddam Hussein's aggression appears to have made the world safe for a
continuation of stratospheric Pentagon budgets.... As one Pentagon official
told CBS News recently, "if you're looking for the [Soviet & Eastern European]
peace dividend, it just left for Saudi Arabia."
-- The New Yorker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has given the new film "Henry and
June", a story about Henry Miller in Paris in the 30's, an "X" rating, which
means that most theaters will not show it, most news media will not advertise
it, and Universal will not distribute it.
The director, Phillip Kaufman, said the ratings board has given him a list of
five scenes that need to be altered for an "R" rating, including one brief
glimpse of an erotic Japanese postcard that shows a woman in the amorous
embrace of an octopus.
"That drawing is a hundred years old and in all the art books," Kaufman said.
I can't imagine who it's going to excite unless there's a 17-year-old octopus
in the audience."
-- Adapted from the LA Times
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (News Of The Weird Dept.)
Glynn "Scotty" Wolfe, eighty-one, a Baptist minister in Blythe, California,
announced in July that he would divorce his twenty-seventh wife, Daisy,
nineteen, after five years together, to marry her fifteen-year-old sister.
-- LA Reader
NOSTALGIA ITEM FOR THE DAY
1981: IBM introduces the PC, which costs $3005 for a 4.77 Mhz 8088, 64K
bytes of RAM, and a single 5 1/4-inch (180K) floppy disk drive.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of domestic air fares that are changed daily: 200,000
- WSJ
GRAMMAR LESSON FOR THE DAY
Q: I am with the Defense Department, and I'd like to know whether it's correct
to say "Four million dollars apiece IS not that much for the SB-79 Hellfire
Amphibious Assault Salad Bar," or "Four million dollars apiece ARE, etc."
A: Does that price include the optional SS-863 Shrieking Eagle Tactical Sneeze
Shield?
Q: Of course not.
A: I thought so.
-- Dave Barry
CREATIVE WRITING TIP FOR THE DAY (for Professional Writers only)
A good way to make your writing more interesting is to include shocking
revelations about famous celebrities.
WRONG: "Apply the lacquer with smooth, even strokes."
RIGHT: "Apply the lacquer with smooth, even strokes, bearing in mind that until
1985 Madonna was, biologically, a man."
-- Dave Barry
GRAMMAR LESSON FOR THE DAY
Q: How is the word "irregardless" used?
A: It is used to add emphasis to a statement:
WEAK: Webster gonna bust your head.
STRONGER: Webster gonna bust your head irregardless.
-- Dave Barry
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
One question that the Pentagon has so far managed to keep out of the press, but
which reportedly has strategic planners agonizing, is how to put on the Bob
Hope Christmas Show in a fundamentalist Islamic country. In Saudi Arabia, to
cite just three problems, (1) women must be clad head-to-toe, (2) Christmas
cannot be publicly celebrated; and (3) live theatrical performances are for-
bidden. No solutions have yet been advanced for problems 1 and 2, but a report
from the RAND Corporation argues that one way to deal with problem 3 is to
contend that Hope -- "based on the evidence of his last 112 television
specials" -- is not really alive. "It's a toughie," says one National Security
Council member.
-- Harold Meyerson, LA Weekly
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of U.S. homes that have Nintendo: 25
-- Milwaukee Journal
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
METRONOME: A midget who works for MGM.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
AVIATION: Bird imitations on a commmercial scale.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
BITCH: A female of a dog and vice versa.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
EDUCATION: Reeling and writhing and different branches of arithmetic -
ambition, distraction, uglification, and derision.
-- Lewis Carroll
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
EDIBLE: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest; as a worm to a toad, a toad to
a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
-- Ambrose Bierce
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I met my wife in one of those singles bars. What a surprise -- I thought
she was home watching the kids.
-- Ron Dentinger
CIVIL WAR FACTS (You might have overlooked)
Number of Americans killed in the Civil War: 620,000
Percentage of the nation's population this represented: 2
Number of black men that enlisted in the Union army: 185,000
Amount General Motors contributed to produce the PBS series: $1,000,000
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
It's a known fact -- cross-eyed teachers cannot control their pupils.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
(Why you can't reduce the federal deficit with higher taxes)
Government spends what government receives
plus as much as it can get away with.
-- Milton Freidman
TELEVISION SHOW TO WATCH
Tuesday, 8PM, PBS (KCET, chan. 28) - THE CUCKOO'S EGG
Based on the best-selling book by Clifford Stoll -- it was a seventy-five cent
accounting error that alerted the Berkeley astronomer to the presence of an
unauthorized user in his computer system. But instead of expelling the hacker,
Stoll laid a trap and tracked the intruder's path through the nation's networks.
"The electronic equivalent of Indiana Jones" -- Newsday
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of requests for New Kids on the Block lyric sheets received by the
Parents' Music Resource Center this year: 3,000
Number of requests for 2 Live Crew lyric sheets: 1,500
Hours it took Jennifer Norwood of the PMRC to transcribe the lyrics of 2 Live
Crew's "As Nasty as They Wanna Be": 9
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Bottles of suntan lotion the U.S. Army purchased in August from a K mart in
Hinesville, Georgia: 25,550
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Cost of dyeing a dried-out lawn green, from Landscape Services of Santa
Barbara, California, per 1000 square feet: $125
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once
and put it in your pocket.
-- Kin Hubbard
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.
-- Kierkegaard
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives
they can get.
-- Robert Orben
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Does the expiration date on sour cream mean the date it becomes good?
-- Larry King
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I strongly believe there is no God; I hope He doesn't hold it against me.
-- Rick Reynolds
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I woke up this mornin'-nnn
and all my shrimps was dead and gone
I woke up this mornin', ooh
and all my shrimps was dead and gone
I was thinkin' about you, baby
why you hear me weep and moan
--"Dead Shrimp Blues," Robert Johnson, ca 1937
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I come from a family with longevity; my Grandma was 102 when she died.
And she never used glasses - drank right outta the jug.
-- Red Skelton
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
From 15,000,000 BC to 15,000 BC, estimated rate of animal &
plant species extinction, per century: 4
In 1970, rate of extinction per day : 1
Today, rate of extinction per hour : 1
-- Adapted from LA Times
WORD LESSON FOR THE DAY
MONEGASQUES: Residents of the city of Monaco. (no shit!)
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Trends, like horses, are easier to ride in the direction they are going.
-- John Naisbitt
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I love the sea, and would not be anywhere else. She's my home, my religion.
Perhaps correctly I should say she is what we have instead of religion or God.
She creates life, and she ends it. She has beauty and great mystery, and
she is eternal.
-- Ernest Hemmingway
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Cost of maintaining the U.S. military force in the Persian Gulf region,
per DAY $32,000,000
Cost of implementing the savings and loan bailout, per DAY $148,000,000
Amount a cousin of Saudi Arabia's King Fahd lost at casinos on the French
Riviera in August: $21,640,000
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Driving the [new 1991 Cadillac Sedan DeVille] is an exercise in
transmogrification. After 10 miles, there develops an urge to buy a condo
in Palm Beach. After a day, one is ready to discuss big band music with
Don Ameche.
-- Paul Dean, new car review, LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Historically, the most terrible things -- war, genocide and slavery --
have resulted from obedience, not disobedience.
-- Howard Zinn
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Frankly, my dear, I spit on all that.
-- Rhett Butler's line, as translated, in the newly
released Russian version of "Gone With The Wind"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There is no way in which a country can satisfy the craving for absolute
security -- but it can bankrupt itself, morally and economically, in attempting
to reach that illusory goal through arms alone. The Military Establishment,
not productive of itself, necessarily must feed on the energy, productivity
and brain power of the country, and if it takes too much, our total strength
declines.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Any man that goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn (maybe)
DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY (Newspeak Dept.)
WAVE: Sea-air interface climatic disturbance
TRAFFIC LIGHT: Electronically adjusted, color-coded vehicular-flow
control mechanism
-- Air Force Lt. Col. James O'Rourke
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY (Yuppie Dept.)
EVIAN: Designer water
-- Joseph Wambaugh
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There is no God higher than truth.
-- Mahatma Gandhi, 1939
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Great Late Night Interviews)
DAVID LETTERMAN: So, Iggy, what have you been doing since we saw you last?
IGGY POP: Oh, sucking and licking...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
VOTE - It's the only thing separating man from the apes.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Only to the white man was nature a "wilderness" and only to him was the land
"infested" with "wild" animals and "savage" people. To us it was tame.
Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great
Mystery. Not until the hairy man from the east came and with brutal frenzy
heaped injustices upon us and the families that we loved was it "wild" for us.
When the very animals of the forest began fleeing from his approach, then it
was for us the "Wild West" began.
-- (Sioux Chief) Luther Standing Bear, 1933
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
No house should ever be ON any hill or on anything. It should be OF the hill,
belonging to it, so hill and house could live together each the happier for
the other.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright, 1932
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Great Late Night Interviews)
DAVID LETTERMAN: So, Iggy, what have you been doing since we saw you last?
IGGY POP: Oh, sucking and licking...
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Americans that have unlisted phone numbers: 31
Percentage of Las Vegans that have
unlisted phone number: 61
ADVICE FOR THE DAY (Home Plumbing Dept.)
Q: How do you fix a leaking faucet?
A: Turn it on.
-- Roger Price (1918-1990)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When the government does it, it's called deficit financing. When a firm does
it, we call it a "Ponzi" scheme.
-- Dr. Alfred E. Hofflander, UCLA
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If I had my life to live over again, I'd live it overseas.
-- Henny Youngman
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Cost of three-minute station-to-station daytime phone call
from New York to San Francisco in 1915 (1990 dollars): $20.70
Cost toDAY 75 cents
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One night I dreamed that God sneezed
and I didn't know what to say to Him.
-- Henny Youngman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There are no strangers -- just friends we haven't met.
-- Jackie Vernon
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
HALFOFFEUS: Goddess of the Malls
-- "Married With Children"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
They're building a tunnel from England to France. Now the English drive on
the left side of the road, and the French, on the right, so that's gonna be
one busy lane.
-- John Mendoza
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist
until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves largess out
of the public treasury.
-- Alexander Tytler
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
12 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. You can enjoy beer all month long.
2. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
3. Beer is never late.
4. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
5. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
6. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
7. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get a good head.
8. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
9. You can share a beer with your friends.
10. You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
11. A beer is always wet.
12. A frigid beer is a good beer.
-- Playboy
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
5 REASONS WHY A CUCUMBER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A cucumber is always at least six inches long.
2. You can fondle a cucumber in the store.
3. You can see how hard a cucumber is before you take it home.
4. You have to eat a cucumber only when you want to.
5. With a cucumber, you don't have to lie on a wet spot afterward.
-- Playboy
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I have a microwave fireplace...you can lay down for the entire evening in
just 8 minutes...
-- Steven Wright
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
ALAMO: (from the French) in the style of one of "The Three Stooges."
-- Prof. Peter Schickele
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CHICKEN TERIYAKI: The name of the only living Kamikaze Pilot.
-- Prof. Peter Schickele
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
MILIHELEN: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
-- Prof. Peter Schickele
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Police in Caracas, Venezuela, arrested a 37-year-old ophthamologist and
eleven others, charging them with running a stolen eyeball ring from the city
morgue. The scandal broke in May when a pathologist working on a body
happened to notice that the eyeballs were missing and, on checking, found
eyeballs on all other morgue bodies were missing.
-- Chuck Shepherd
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times Madonna used "you know" as an expletive
during her "Nightline" interview on December 3rd: 36
Number of times the interviewer used it: 0
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
War is not neat. War is not tidy. War is a mess, and you have to be sure
the stakes justify what you are doing.
-- Adm. William J. Crowe Jr. (Ret)
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
"What Michelle Pfeiffer needs...is absolutely nothing."
-- Esquire Magazine
"Clean up complexion, soften smile line, trim chin...soften neck muscle
a bit...$1,525"
-- photo retoucher's bill for Pfeiffer's Esquire Magazine cover
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of U.S. military personnel who have died to date while part of
Operation Desert Shield: 56
Estimated U.S. casualties (injuries) for the first two weeks if a
full-scale invasion is mounted: 40,000
Estimated U.S. DEATHS for the first two weeks if a full-scale
invasion is mounted: 10,000
-- various sources
HA-HA FOR THE DAY
Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxicabs.
-- Gary Lockhart
SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
MALLCONTENTS: A collection of ticked-off husbands always found
sitting on benches at shopping malls.
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
Remember Tokyo Rose -- the Japanese radio DJ who tried to undermine U.S. troop
morale during WW2 with her seductive patter? Well, now here's Bagdad Betty:
"Why are you Americans here? Don't you know you will die in the desert?
While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are dating American movie
stars...like Tom Selleck, Paul Newman and...Bart Simpson."
-- adapted from L.A. Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
One man's pleasure is another man's vice.
-- Poor Laddie's Almanac
JINGLE FOR THE SEASON
Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla-Walla wash, and Kalamazoo.
Nora's freezing on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo.
-- Walt Kelly
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of minutes Congress spent last October debating the administration's
request for new S & L bailout funds: 30
Number of minutes Congress spent last October debating a proposal to renovate
the Capitol hairdressing salon: 40
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of Finns to saunas in Finland: 4:1
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of members of Congress who have sons or daughters
serving in the Persian Gulf: 2
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
-- Sam Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes)
SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
DOWNPAUSE: The split second of dry weather experienced while driving
under an overpass during a storm.
TOP TEN COMPUTER VIRUSES FOR OCTOBER
1. PC is Stoned
2. Jerusalem
3. Disk Killer
4. Dark Avenger
5. Ping Pong
6. Cascade
7. Sunday
8 Johsi
9. 4096, or Frodo Lives
10. Pakistani Brain
-- compiled by the Computer Virus Industry Association
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DEBATE: What you fish with.
-- Jack Smith
CULTURE QUESTION FOR THE DAY
Michelangelo's "David": Is it Great Art, or
Just Another Man With His Pants Down?
WHERE YOUR FEDERAL TAX DOLLARS GO
To study the sand on Waikiki beach........................$ 100,000
To develop soybean ink.................................... 100,000
To help support the Lawrence Welk Museum.................. 500,000
For a bee lab............................................. 1,700,000
For a fish farm in Arkansas............................... 2,700,000
For shrimp aquaculture.................................... 3,400,000
For urban gardening....................................... 3,600,000
To fight witchweed........................................ 5,100,000
-- Heritage Foundation
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
HISTORIAN: A prophet looking backwards.
-- August W. von Schlegel
OVERHEARD ON A BULLETIN BOARD
The Kingston Trio was network management before its time:
"This lan is your lan. . ."
"Green.bat dollar. . ."
"A million tomorrows may all pass away,
Ere I erase all the files I backed up today. . ."
-- Marty Winston
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Men who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.
-- Voltaire
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Desert Storm Roundup Dept.)
We went in with a bunch of guys and we got everybody out.
-- USAF Lt. Col. Kline
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
WAR: A contagion
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage increase in Domino's Pizza deliveries last week: 40
-- various sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Daily cost for ammunition for Allied forces, since January 15: $500,000,000.00
-- various sources
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The computer's worst enemy: a coffee cup.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Playboy Advisor Oath: I am incredible in bed, and when someone else is
there with me, I'm even better.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Iraqi males between the ages of 15 and 39 that are soldiers: 33
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of the recruitment ads for the U.S. military broadcast
since the Iraqi invasion that include combat scenes: 57
Percentage of the ads broadcast before the invasion that did: 0
Percentage change, between August 1989 and August 1990,
in U.S. Army enlistment: -38
-- Harper's Index
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
THE ANCIENT CODE OF BACHELORS: Don't pick up anything until it blocks the door.
-- James R. Chiles
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
The BBC has published a "non-playlist" for affiliate stations preparing
broadcasts for the Allied Gulf troops. Among the 67 songs they are NOT
to play are:
Killing Me Softly
Give Peace A Chance
Imagine (by John Lennon)
Walk Like An Egyptian
Oddly enough, "Woolly Bully" is not on the list.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
HISTORY: The story of the world's crime.
-- Voltaire
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I think I'm a couch yam, because I'm a little classier than a potato.
-- Carl Reiner
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of months a U.S. soldier can function effectively in the Saudi desert,
according to the U.S. Army: 6
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Chances of a Shuttle crash in the next 4 years, assuming all systems are 98
percent reliable, according to NASA: 1 in 2
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated cost to taxpayers of the Gulf War, per person: $650 to $1075
-- Network news sources
(The Ultimate) SHORT STORY FOR THE DAY
Once upon a time, they lived happily ever after.
-- The New Yorker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Bush Insists It's World War II,
Anti-War Activists See Vietnam
-- Headline in LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I ain't done bad.
-- Gen. Colin Powell, discussing the role of minorities in the U.S. Military
QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Who Do You Believe Dept.)
The polystyrene hamburger clamshell uses 30% less energy than paperboard.
Its manufacturing results in 46% less air pollution and 42% less water
pollution.
-- Wall Street Journal, Jan 14, 1991
An analysis by a Canadian chemistry professor concludes that disposable
coffee cups made of plastic foam are less damaging to the environment than
paper cups.
-- Wall Street Journal, Feb 2, 1991
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Roses are red,
Violets are blue-er,
This is a love note
From your guy in the sewer.
-- Ed Norton as interpreted by Balki
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Truth is the first casualty of war.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Copies of Microsoft Windows 3.0 (Graphical User Interface) sold per hour: 2000
-- LAN Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Whiskey's for drinking; water's for fighting over.
-- Mark Twain (maybe)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Jews better make up their minds about retaliating, cause the last time
they listened to a Burning Bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years.
-- Gary Muledeer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There is no Dog!
-- a Dyslexic Athiest, according to Gary Muledeer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We know there are some people around who just don't like sex, and what can you
do? But then, there's this group that tries to develop a constitutional
argument. I do not understand why sex has been singled out. You can be a
racist, you can attack people's religion, their skin color. You can call for
all kinds of violence and it's constitutionally protected. It's only if you
try to get someone sexually excited that you run into this trouble. We have
this weird special standard that must be based -- as far as I can figure --
on the idea that sexual ideas are either not ideas and therefore not deserving
of protection or they are so dangerous that they have to be regulated.
-- Robert Scheer
NEWSPEAK DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY (Your Gov't At Work Dept.)
LOCS (acronym): Line(s) Of Communication
COLLATERAL DAMAGE (noun): Dead bodies
ATTRIT (verb): To wear down
SEA-AIR INTERFACE CLIMATIC DISTURBANCE (noun): Wave
ELECTRONICALLY ADJUSTED, COLOR-CODED VEHICULAR-FLOW CONTROL MECHANISM
(noun): Traffic light
CAREER-CHANGE OPPORTUNITY (noun): You're fired
NO NEW TAXES (Read My Lips): Tax increases
REVENUE ENHANCEMENTS (More): Tax increases
-- various sources, all reliable
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
So -- what do we DO with Saudi Arabia once we save it?
-- Robert Scheer
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount of pay cut Michael Milken (the "Junk Bond King") will take when
he becomes a working inmate at Federal Prison in Dublin, California,
per hour: $107,000
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
INTERVIEWER: If you were not in the [Iraqi] army, what would you do?
IRAQI POW: I'd go to America.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
MOVIE STUDIO: The greatest electic train set any boy ever had.
-- Orson Welles
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimate made in December of the number of Allied deaths likely if a
full-scale Gulf War invasion is persued: 10,000
Actual deaths as of Wednesday, 02/27/91: 79
-- various sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount of oil used by the Pentagon last year, expressed as a percentage of
total U.S. oil imports from Saudi Arabia: 43
Gas mileage of an M-1 tank, per gallon: .56
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Americans who say they would like
to have dinner with George Bush: 7
Percentage who say they would like
to have dinner with Bart Simpson: 12
-- Fleishman Hillard/Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of car manufacturers worldwide that have built and
tested models that get more than 67 miles per gallon: 7
Number of these cars that are currently on the market: 0
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of R-rated movies that contain violence: 60
Percentage of X-rated movies that do: 46
-- Daniel Linz, University of California, Santa Barbara
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of orgasms witnessed at the Masters & Johnson Institute
in its first nine years of research: 14,000
-- Masters & Johnson/Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Soldiers don't really fight for ideals, or for country, or for God. We fight
for each other. After six months in the desert together, it's my buddies,
my NCO's, my lieutenant, I'm willing to die for...
...Okay, maybe not the Lieutenant...
-- Doonesbury/Garry Trudeau
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of R-rated movies that contain violence: 60
Percentage of X-rated movies that do: 46
-- Daniel Linz, University of California, Santa Barbara
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A war fought largely over one natural resource, oil, has destroyed other
critical resources of the region, including wildlife, fresh water and arable
land. What is needed is a multinational cleanup effort in which the military
forces in the Gulf shift from destruction to restoration.
-- Michael Closson/Tom Lent
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I was in Sears & Roebuck the other day. They had a white sale,
so I bought a Caucasian family.
-- Arsenio Hall
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and asked them,
"What kind of Bourbon goes with an M-16?"
-- John Mendoza
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Before the war, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world. Now it has
the second largest army in Iraq.
-- Hexagon
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Total amount Kuwait invested in the United States last year: $4,000,000,000
--U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of miles an item of food consumed in the United States
travels before it is eaten: 1,200
-- Worldwatch Institute
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of U.S. combat deaths in Vietman before a Washington
antiwar rally drew more than 75,000 people: 14,000
Number of U.S. combat deaths in the Persian Gulf before the
January 26 rally that drew more than 75,000 people: 0
-- Swarthmore College Collection/U.S. Dept. Of Defense
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of countries worldwide that have been invaded since 1945: 23
Number of these invasions the United States sent troops to help repel: 3
-- Lentz Peace Research
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of vehicles stolen in Los Angeles each minute: 2.7
-- Metro Traffic
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Academy Award Dept.)
No, I haven't been Dancing With Wolves, but I have been Sleeping With Beavers.
-- Jonathan Winters
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Everybody considers his own convictions "facts"; to a flat-earthian,
the world's flatness is a "fact" and its roundness a mere "theory."
-- L. Sprague De Camp
AXIOM FOR THE DAY (Thoreau's First Theory of Adaptation)
After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
command structure.
AXIOM FOR THE DAY (Hoare's Law of Large Programs)
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
AXIOM FOR THE DAY (Thoreau's Second Theory of Adaptation)
After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar bug
in the system, the system is revised, the bug is taken away,
and you're left with a useless routine.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Colliding Cliches Dept.)
Diamonds are a girl's Best Friend, but a man's B. F. is a dog.
-- Bill Maher
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
APRIL FOOL! (Oops, wrong day.)
Q & A FOR THE DAY (Gangs Ain't What They Usta Be Dept.)
Q: Why did Buckwheat wash his clothes in Tide?
A: Cause it's cold OUT tide.
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Your Gun Control Laws At Work Dept.)
The gunmen (in the Sacramento hostage/shooting last Monday) were armed with
two 9 milimeter pistols and a shotgun that they purchased last week after
complying with the state's required 15-day waiting period.
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of "assault weapon" class firearms registered in the State of
California by Jan 1, 1991 deadline: 18,000
Percentage of estimated total this represents: 6
Estimated number of weapons now legally subject to seizure: 282,000
-- Reason
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Bula's Basic Law #2)
The pen is mightier than the sword, but you must
have money in the bank to back up that check.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The law must be stable, but it must not stand still.
-- Roscoe Pound
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Count Your Blessings Dept.)
Size of one traffic jam in Tokyo last year, in miles: 84
-- Harper's Index
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Clifton's Rule No. 4)
Money no longer talks - it just goes without saying.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of documents the IRS loses each year: 2,000,000
Estimated gallons of ink used at H&R Block offices last tax season: 16
Estimated gallons of coffee: 2,200,000
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended to forgo its use.
-- Galileo
SPORTS WRAPUP FOR THE DAY The Holyfield/Forman Fight (In A NutShell Dept.)
One guy looked like a Greek god. The other looked like a Greek restaurant.
-- Jim Murray
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of solar panels installed on the White House roof by President Carter
that are still there: 0
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average ratio of U.S. funds spent fighting a war
to U.S. funds spent on that war's veterans' benefits: 1/3
Number of Americans who received veterans' benefits last year
for a relative's service in the Civil War: 51
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of cars stolen in Los Angeles County per year: 129,000
Brand of car most often stolen: Toyota
-- news services
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We have a massive leadership vacuum in this country,
and we need to change bags...
-- Jeff MacNelly
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY (Electronics Dept.)
TRANSISTOR: Nun with a sex change
CONCERT REVIEW FOR THE WEEK (Culture-On-Parade Series)
Prof. Peter Schickele, the world's leading (and only) authority on P.D.Q. Bach,
presented his Farewell Concert last Monday at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium.
"P.D.Q. Bach was a composer years ahead of his time," intoned Prof. Schickele,
"but he died not a moment too soon."
At the onset of the concert, a dignitary from the National Academy of Recording
Arts and Sciences belatedly awarded the Grammy that had been granted to
Schickele last year. Schickele acknowledged the assistance of numerous lofty
muses, including Spike Jones.
Then the concert began, and P.D.Q. was busy leaving no musical turn unstoned.
Soon the horrified NARAS dignitary stalked back to the rostrum and snatched
back the Grammy.
The menu included a snazzy "Fanfare for Fred", a glassy "Einstein on the Fritz",
and the "Safe Sextet". The Pasadena symphonians provided virtuostic noodling
and doodling on command, splendid sawing and pawing in depth, but the audience
seemed most impressed with the interjections of a single flatulent tuba.
-- from Martin Bernheimer
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of astronomers still living who have discovered new planets: 1
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount that Boston Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens
will earn this season, per strikeout: $20,400
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY (Fascinating Fertilizer Facts)
Price in Oregon of one 15-oz can of Elephant manure, "Zoo Doo": $4
Number of months Elephant manure should be composted to avoid having
peanut plants sprouting among your rose bushes from undigested seeds: 6
-- LA Times
FASCINATING FACT FOR THE DAY
Main industry and source of foreign exchange
for Kuwait up until 1930: pearl diving
-- Daniel Yergin, "The Epic Quest for Oil..."
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated waste of water from California pools through leaks,
in millions of gallons per year: 6
-- news sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of the Navajo tribe, among the suppliers of potatoes to Frito-Lay: 1
-- Frito-Lay
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Organized people make lists but don't need them.
Disorganized people make lists but can't find them.
-- Wise & Aldrich
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of Carousels (Merry-Go-Rounds) ever built in this country: 6000
Number still operating: 169
-- news sources
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FISHING: The only sport where sitting on your butt under a tree
looks like concentrated activity
-- Jeff MacNelly
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of pieces of junk mail per year
thrown out without being opened: 10,000,000,000
Number of trees this represents: 5,000,000
-- WSJ
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Poor McFadden's Almanac Dept.)
To go to bed late and get up early,
Makes a man cross, mean and surly.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kelly's Observation)
Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, except he gets a cheaper gift.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of the 440 animals in the Kuwait City Zoo that survived the war: 29
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount the city of Los Angeles paid out in settlements
of police-brutality suits last year: $8,699,431
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of "Jose", amoung the names most often given male babies
in Los Angeles County this year: 1
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Vive La Difference Dept.)
We are the Unwilling, Led by the Unqualified,
Doing the Unneccessary, For the Ungrateful.
-- Found on a GI's Zippo Lighter, Vietnam era
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of U.S. Universities that offer a bagpipe major: 1
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
U.S. Health Standard for Sulfates in the atmosphere,
in micrograms per meter: 0.2
Average level of Sulfates at the Grand Canyon Rim, 1989 summer: 1.4
-- National Park Service
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of American farmers who die from asphyxiation
in manure pits each year: 4
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of horses in Los Angeles City: 12,000
-- LA Times
MOVIE REVIEW FOR THE DAY
Occurances of the word "fuck" in the Andrew Dice Clay movie "Dice Rules": 136
Second must common word: "bitch" (not tabulated)
Number of non-woman jokes: 70
Number of woman jokes: 49
-- as reported by David Ewing, LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Vintage Advertising Dept.)
Feeling Low?
Feeling Tense?
These three words will make you feel your best:
"Smoke a Lucky."
-- Lucky Strike radio ad, ca. 1950
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated height, in feet, of the resulting tidal wave in the
Gulf of Mexico, 65 million years ago, when a 6-mile-wide asteroid
hit the Earth: 2000
-- Wallace Ravven, LA Times
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
The editor of The Progressive and 10 other publications earlier this year filed
suit against the Pentagon's war coverage regulations calling the rules
"a blatant violation of Freedom of the Press." Amoung the parties named were
the President....
The courts recently dismissed the suit "on the grounds that the war is over."
-- Door County Advocate
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average amount of milk an American dairy cow produced
last year, in gallons: 1,703
Average amount a cow produced in 1950, in gallons: 618
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount of chewing gum collected each year by the maintenance crew
at the Statue of Liberty, in pounds: 600
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount of cash CNN reporter Peter Arnett says he wore sewn into his clothes
while covering the Gulf War: $100,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of U.S. city governments that have extended employee health benefits
to unmarried "domestic partners": 6
Number of "domestic partnership" announcements in the Minneapolis Star Tribune
this year: 4
-- Harper's Index
A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS
TAOISM: Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit Happens."
CALVINISM: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are BAD.
JUDAISM: Why does this shit always happen to US?
ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
ATHEISM: Sheeit.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.
-- Anonymous
REVELATION FOR THE DAY
Now it can be revealed! Ever wonder why photographs of UFO's are always
so fuzzy? It's because UFO's emit a kind of radiation that registers on
film as fuzziness!
-- New Yorker
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
NEW YORK CITY: The only place in the world where you can get a Rolex watch
for twenty-five dollars.
-- The New Yorker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Why the Lakers lost the NBA Championship)
Some of the players had to play both ends of the court.
-- Bill Cosby
BIOGRAPHICAL REVIEW FOR THE DAY
STEVEN KING: The only guy in the world who can out-gross his kid
in a gross-out contest.
-- Carol Montgomery
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Beer Companies Meet the Government Head-On)
Coors Light's long-running slogan "It won't slow you down" will be dropped
by the brewer. The government says it's false and misleading; "We all know
alchohol...tends to slow down your reactions and reflexes."
Kirin Brewery agreed to stop running ads playing on its Japanese heritage; it
uses a brewery in Canada.
Anheuser-Busch agreed to stop running billboards in Colorado calling Budweiser
"Colorado brewed," since not all Bud is brewed in Colorado.
-- Wall Street Journal
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary)
You cannot successfully determine beforehand
which side of the bread to butter.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Zachary Taylor - the person with the best chance of winning
the Presidential race for the Democrats in 1992.
-- David Letterman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The computer is a great teaching tool for young people. For example, my
home computer has an educational program that enables you to control an
entire simulated planet -- its ecology, its technology, its weather, etc. My
10-year-old son and his friends use this program a lot and we've all learned
some important ecological lessions, the main one being: Never, ever put
10-year-old boys in charge of a planet ("Let's see what happens when you have
volcanoes AND nuclear war!")
-- Dave Barry
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Wiker's Law)
Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Puritan's First Law)
Evil is "live" spelled backward.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We had mice in our basement, so I went to get some poison, but the tamper-
resistant seal had been broken. I didn't know if I should buy it - someone
might have slipped some aspirin in there.
-- Rita Rudner
ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE DAY
Come One! Come All! -- to the 9th Annual Thresheree & Barn Dance
at the Bernard Geisel Farm, Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, August 17 & 18!
MAJOR EVENTS: Barefoot Horse Pull
Antique Tractor Pull
Potato Digging
Blacksmithing
Mud Pig Wresting
Grain & Corn Bindering
Competition Chain & Crosscut Saw (bring saw)
Thresherman of the Year announced
Brats & Beer
...And Much More!
-- from a brochure
MOVIE REVIEW FOR THE DAY
The Rocketeer
How can Cliff's rocket pack send flames shooting down his back without
incinerating his ass?
-- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FILE CABINET: A four-drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
-- Jim Fisk and Robert Barron
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
-- Lily Tomlim
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Education is what's left over when you subtract what you've forgotten
from what you've learned.
-- Lloyd Cory
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There is one difference between the tax collector and the taxidermist --
the taxidermist leaves the hide.
-- Mortimer Caplan
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I was sixty-six years old. I still had to make a living. I looked at my
Social Security check of 105 dollars and decided to use that to try to
franchise my chicken recipe. Folks had always liked my chicken.
"Colonel" Harland Sanders
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Schizophrenia beats dining alone.
NEW SALES TAX LAW MADE SIMPLE
As of today, the California state sales tax in Los Angeles County is 8.25%.
It also applies to more items than before. To clarify this distinction,
here are some examples:
Tax on doughnuts (food): 0%
Tax on brownies (snacks): 8.25%
Tax on bottled water (non-food): 8.25%
Tax on Ding Dongs (snacks) when bought with cash: 8.25%
Tax on Ding Dongs (snacks) when bought with food stamps: 0%
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I loved her then --
I love her now --
I love her now and then.
-- Robert Savage
NEW TAX LAW CLARIFICATION
To clear up some questions on the new California State tax law, we present
some examples:
Saltine Crackers, which are food items (obviously) are NOT taxed.
Ritz Crackers, which are snacks (natch) ARE taxed.
EXCEPTION: Ritz Crackers (snacks) paid for with food stamps are NOT taxed.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of U.S. drive-in theater screens in 1958: 4063
in 1991: 910
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY
TOTAL ECLIPSE: The Moon passes between you and the Sun.
REALLY TOTAL ECLIPSE: Demi Moore passes between you and the Sun.
-- "Silent Pictures" Maratta
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
BORE: Someone who who deprives you of solitude
without providing you with company
-- Gian Vincenzo Gravina
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be around
when it happens.
-- Woody Allen
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy --
and if you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The real Hollywood Sign is a dollar sign.
-- Howard Rosenberg
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One man's God is another man's idol.
-- Steve Allen
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The purpose of having an open mind is the same as having an open mouth -
to eventually close it on something solid.
-- G. K. Chesterton
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PICKPOCKET: A man who believes that every crowd has a silver lining.
-- Leonard Neubauer
QUESTION FOR THE DAY
If olive oil comes from the squeezing of olives, and coconut oil comes
from the squeezing of coconuts, what is the source of baby oil?
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Hatred is the most accessible and comprehensive of all unifying agents.
Mass movements can rise and spread without belief in a God, but never
without belief in a devil.
-- Eric Hoffer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation,
the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
-- P. J. O'Rourke
MacFACTS FOR THE DAY
Number of MacDonald's in the USSR: 1
Average wait in line, in minutes: 45
How many working hours it takes the average Soviet worker to earn a Big Mac: 4
-- L.A. Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
-- Perez
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
-- Abraham Lincoln
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I call my girlfriend Cleopatra because she's the Queen of Denial.
-- Rick Rockwell
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PEACE: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods
of fighting
-- Ambrose Bierce
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of American casualties caused by our own troops ("friendly fire")
during WW II, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War: 2
Percentage of American casualties caused by friendly fire
during the Gulf War: 23
-- news sources
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Don't believe in superstition; it brings bad luck.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If airline travel is so safe, how come the sterwardesses
sit right next to the emergency exits?
-- Johnny Carson
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of acres of rain forest destroyed per second: 1
-- World Wildlife Fund
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
POLES: People who say, "Thank God for that big buffer state
between us and Red China."
-- Victor Zorza
SLOGAN FOR THE DAY
WHO Ya Gonna Call? COUP-Busters!
-- Gorby & Yeltzy
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
HOW HOT IS IT? It is SO hot that I saw two palm trees fighting over a dog.
-- Rick Rockwell
BUSINESS SLOGAN FOR THE DAY
Sign in Art's Electric, Pullman, Washington: "Let us remove your shorts"
-- USA Today
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of cases of gonorrhea found in 7,000 tests made on 246 prostitutes
employed by the Chicken Ranch, Nevada, between 1982 and 1989: 19
Number of cases of syphilis: 2
Number testing AIDS positive: 0
-- LA Times
So What Do YOU Call The Failed Soviet Coup?
The Ishtar of all coups
-- David Steinberg
The little coup that couldn't
-- various sources
Coup-d'etat-ta-ta
-- Frank Kelly
DEFINITON FOR THE DAY
VAMPIRE: A poor unfortunate soul suffering from iron-deficiency anemia
who has never heard of Geritol
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of live hand grenades thrown from moving cars in Chicago
in the last year: 4
-- Harper's Index
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Tuttle's First Law of Pollution)
You're never more than a few feet from a product containing PCB.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Hayden's Homily #1)
No matter how much cats fight, there are always plenty of kittens.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You cannot sink someone else's end of the boat and still keep your own afloat.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized up.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle
wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
-- Winston Churchill, 1939
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of the world's population that is in the USA: 5
Percentage of the world's lawyers in the USA: 30
Ratio of engineers to lawyers in Japan: 20/1
Ratio of engineers to lawyers in USA: 2.5/1
Ratio of lawsuits per person in the USA to Japan: 30/1
Percentage of winnings from USA lawsuits that go to lawyers and courts: 57
-- US News & World Report
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CUBA: An island in the Caribbean with the government in Moscow
and the people in Miami.
-- Al Romero
OOPS! FRIDAY THE 13TH IS UPON US AGAIN!
Do you know how many Friday-The-Thirteenths there can be in any one calendar
year? There is a maximum and minimum number. And if you know the answer,
can you prove it? You might try writing a computer program in the language of
your choice to find out. If you care, send me (Laddie) the answer through the
Notework mailbox; I would be interested in finding out how you arrived at
the results. There is no prize involved (other than the satisfaction of
intellectual stimulation) and this is Probably Not An Official Company Function.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DIVORCEE: Born-again single
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of visitors per year to Yosemite National Park: 3,000,000
...to the Parthenon, Athens, Greece: 5,000,000
-- news sources
MESSAGE FOR THE DAY
NOW IT CAN BE REVEALED! The fewest Friday-The-Thirteenths ANY calendar year
can have is 1. The most is 3. A short program, FRI_13.PRG, written in FoxBase,
is available in the FS2\SYS:COMMON subdirectory if you wish to run it or see
how this fascinating fact was proved. You can examine the program
(documentation is included) by printing it, TYPEing it to the screen, or by
using a word processor (but WORD is not the best choice). Try this line at
the DOS command prompt: TYPE F:\COMMON\FRI_13.PRG | MORE
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Official name of the new 150-foot Eagle River bridge
in Avon, Colorado, chosen from 85 entries: "Bob"
-- WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There's no nice way to kill somebody in a war.
-- Pentagon Spokesman Pete Williams, responding to the public outcry about
an Allied battle procedure during the Gulf War, where Iraqi soldiers in the
trenches were deliberately buried alive by tanks with plows
LITERARY QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Military Tech & Soap Dept., Part I)
Far beneath the surface of the North Atlantic, inside the US nuclear submarine
Sea Turnip, Second Lieutenant Major Sergeant Commander Bart Brickman glanced
at his watch. It was the Rolex Military Chronotron Model FX-6000, with 127
separate functions including day, date, tides, lunar phase, relative humidity
and domestic beet production. The display revealed to Brickman that the time
was 1400 hours. Brickman briskly punched this information into the Sea
Turnip's main computer, the 6.5-skillion megabyte RZT-960000 DataHumper by
Radio Shack. In less than one-billionth of a second, the computer flashed the
result on the cathode-ray tube display: "1400 HOURS EQUALS TWO O'CLOCK."
Snack time...
-- Dave Barry
LITERARY QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Military Tech & Soap Dept., Part II)
"Oh, Bart," moaned Chief Petty Ensign Commander Fifth Class Doreen LaFume
as Brickman reached for the clasp of her bra. She was wearing the General
Dynamics AX-6000 "HooterHefter" Armored Assault Brassiere, featuring...
-- Dave Barry
QUOTE OF THE DAY
Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?
-- Mark Frederick, who was raised in Louisiana and speaks funny
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average number of reported U.S. deer/vehicle collisions per year: 400,000
People killed in these accidents per year: 130
Estimated value of one deer, based on hunting expenditures: $1,000
-- Door County Advocate
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the production cost of a Coca-Cola can to the production cost
of the Coca-Cola it contains: 2:1
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years it would take to execute every American on death row,
at the rate of 1 execution per DAY 7
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[It is] peculiar watching TV personalities who've had their names changed,
their teeth capped, their hair woven, their faces lifted, their tummies
tucked, and their lipo suctioned dissing artists who lip-sync for being phony.
-- Craig S. Karpel
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Amount the federal budget deficit grew since yesterday,
in billions of dollars: 1
Amount this represents per citizen, in dollars: 3.94
-- Gannett News Service
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of computer viruses expected to be in existance by 1995,
at the present rate of growth: 100,000
-- Geraldo Rivera
QUESTION FOR THE DAY
If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can they garnish his wages?
-- Bruce Baum
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of average annual wheat yield in Europe to U.S., per acre,
last four years: 2:1
-- U.S. Dept. of Agriculture
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Depth that would result if all of the ash, sand, rocks and other debris from
Mount Pinatubo's recent eruption were spread over Los Angeles' 463 square
miles, in feet: 23
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Non-alcoholic wine: what's the point?
-- David Letterman
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of years it took to install 500,000 telephones in Eastern Germany
under the Communist regime: 40
Number of years it took to install the same number of phones in the Eastern
part of reunified Germany: 1
-- LA Times
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
IRAQ: a 50,000-hole golf course
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PUNCTUATION: The main punctuation marks are the period, the coma, the colonel,
the semi-colonel, the probation mark, the catastrophe, the eclipse, the Happy
Face, and the box where the person checks "yes" to receive more information.
You should place these marks in your sentences at regular intervals to indicate
to your reader that some kind of punctuation is occurring.
-- Dave Barry
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Phrase least likely to be heard at Coca-Cola offices: Uh-huh
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of state governors that have gained or requested
some form of tax increase for 1992: 23
-- Reason
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of 4-inch cocktail umbrellas placed on the lawn outside the
Lancaster Mervyn's store last weekend by Ed Balder: 1,830
Number of matching cocktail umbrellas placed in Japan: 0
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of Americans who have been shot in the last decade
by children under six: 138,490
-- Harper's Index
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Good Timing Dept.)
Looking back historically, we are in the worst part of the fire season.
The big ones usually occur between Oct. 1 and Thanksgiving.
-- Tom Hutchinson, U.S. Forest Service
Fire officials decrease their resources every October in deference to
a budget...
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of goods manufactured, grown or sold in California
that are transported by trucks: 98
-- California Trucking Association
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average number of weeks it took the poultry industry to produce a full-grown
chicken in 1940: 12
Average number of weeks it takes toDAY 6
-- National Broiler Council
Chances that a chicken sold in a supermarket is infected with salmonella:
1 in 3
-- Dept. of Consumer Affairs (NYC)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of large used yellow umbrellas owned by artist Christo: 1760
Number of spectators killed by them during his art project's duration: 1
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Amount the city of Berkeley, California spends per year to shelter
and care for its homeless, in millions: $2.2
Estimated amount this represents, per homeless person: $2,200
-- LA Times
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Amount budgeted by the city of Berkeley, California to administer the city's
rent-control apparatus this year, in millions of dollars: 2.5
Estimated decrease in number of rental units since controls were first
imposed: 3,600
Estimated loss of property taxes as a result of rent control, in millions: $104
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Trick or treat?
-- The Happy Hooker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Fall in New York is so pretty -- watching the trash change colors.
-- Biliam Coronel
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
INFLATION: What makes balloons bigger and candy bars smaller.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I found out today that I just won the 1994 Psychic Of The Year Award...
-- Geechy Guy
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (O'Leary's Law)
Murphy was an optimist.
DISCLAIMER FOR THE DAY
The following program may be offensive to some, but a real turn-on to others...
-- Callahan
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If we had a girl, my wife wanted to call her "Sue" -- a lovely name,
but which for Jews is generally a verb...
-- Dennis Wolfburg
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Damn Computers shoulda never been invented.
- Mark Frederick
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We've now beaten Iraq, Panama, and Grenada --
UNLV has a tougher schedule than that.
-- Rich Hall
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
COMMUNISM: The most painful of all roads from capitalism to capitalism.
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of unsolicited phone calls made by U.S. salesmen
per day, in millions: 18
Percentage of these that are made by stockbrokers: 33
-- Democratic Study Group
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage increase, since last year, in the price of bread in Baghdad: 3,000
-- London School of Economics
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of American men who say they would rather have sex
with Betty Rubble than Wilma Flintstone: 58
-- Esquire/Beta Research Corp.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Price of one minute of fresh air from a sidewalk
oxygen booth in Mexico City: $1.15
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I think Spaghetti Carbonarra should be our national Thanksgiving dish
instead of turkey -- after all, wasn't Columbus Italian?
-- Calvin Trillin
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of this year's cantaloupe crop in California's Imperial Valley
that has been destroyed by the Poinsetta Whitefly: 95
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage increase, since last year, in the price of bread in Baghdad: 3,000
-- London School of Economics
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Expert estimate on how long it would take to extinguish and cap all the
burning oil wells in Kuwait after the Iraqis torched them, in months: 60
Number of months it actually took: 7
-- news sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of smog-producing hydrocarbon emissions in the Southern California
area that come from trees and shrubs: 12
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
THE DOO-DAH PARADE: The only parade in the world with its own relish.
-- Vicki Lawrence
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of all income in Israel that goes to taxes: 56
Percentage of land in Israel owned by the state: 93
-- Reason
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of drops of oil still released from the battleship Arizona
sunk in Pearl Harbor in 1941, per minute: 3
-- news sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If "pro" and "con" are opposites, does that mean that
Congress is the opposite of Progress?
-- contributed by Jon Ward
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY (Oh, You Doll Dept.)
Ratio of the Barbie dolls sold in the United States since 1959
to the number of Americans born since then: 5 to 1
Number of years since Barbie's boyfriend Ken has been introduced: 30
Number of times Ken has proposed marriage to Barbie: 0
-- U.S. Census, Mattel, LA Times
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Accuracy that scientists can measure the distance to the moon, using
laser beams and mirrors left on the moon by astronauts, in inches: 1
Time it takes for a laser beam to travel (at the speed of light) to the
moon and back for such a measurement (or any other reason), in seconds: 2
-- Wall Street Journal, World Almanac
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of jobs George Bush said could be created
if he won the presidency in 1988, in millions: 30
Number of jobs to date by which he missed his goal, according
to AFL-CIO President Lane Kirkland, in millions: 29.5
-- LA Times
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
The MOST number of Friday 13's a year can have: 3
The LEAST number of Friday 13's a year can have: 1
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
Jeffrey Duhl filed a lawsuit in August against a Massapequa, NY, luncheonette
to recover the $1.50 "food sharing" fee he was charged. Duhl had taken
several sips of his wife's soup, and his wife had taken a bite of his meatloaf
sandwich. Duhl said: "If the food is mine, I should be able to determine the
use of it. Or are they only leasing it to us?"
-- News of the Weird
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DIPLOMAT: One who can tell you to "Go to Hell" in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Chances that an organ transplanted in new York City came from
a murder victim: 1 in 4
--New York Regional Transplant Program
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average annual amount an American spends on Japanese goods: $378
Average annual amount a Japanese spends on American goods: $344
-- Harvard University
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of members of the Cossacks, a Moscow motorcycle gang: 8
Number of motorcycles they own: 1
-- San Francisco Examiner
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When I was a student at the Sorbonne in Paris I used to go out and
riot occasionally. I can't remember now which side it was on.
-- John Foster Dulles
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Merry Christmas!
-- S. Claus & Co.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I reject Christianity because it is Jewish, because it is international
and because, in cowardly fashion, it preaches Peace On Earth.
-- Field-Marshal Erich Ludendorff (1865-1937), German Chief-of-Staff
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage increase in U.S. health-care costs since Januaray 1990: 16
-- U.S. Dept. of Labor
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (New Uses For Software Dept.)
Houston police have been on the lookout for a video pornographer who persuaded
three very naive teen girls to pose nude for his camcorder, saying he was
shooting a New Kids on the Block video. According to a Rolling Stone account
of the scam, the man told the girls their outfits would be superimposed onto
the finished video with computer graphics.
-- LA Times
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
ESTROGEN: The hormone that causes certain distinct female characteristics
such as ovulation and the ability not to watch football.
-- Dave Barry
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Current population increase in China per day: 46,000
-- WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful
and multiply." But not in those words.
-- Woody Allen
SIGN OF THE TIMES
Name of a service station near Mojave, California: Casa de Gasa
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
-- (Copyright) Ashleigh Brilliant
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Rank of Los Angeles in the "Green Cities Index," a "quality of life"
environment rating, among 64 cities (#1 is best): 61
Rank of Santa Ana: 64
Rank of Honolulu: 1
-- World Resources Institute
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Hard work pays off in the end, but laziness pays off now.
-- Al Lubell
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Five years ago, Bob Haifley said, God spoke to him. God told him to build
a life-size figure of Jesus using toothpicks. Last year, after 5 years
and 65,000 toothpicks, Haifley, of Covina, finished "The Gift." The Lord
gave him that name, he said.
-- Adapted from the LA Times
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Typical price of a kidney paid to a (voluntary) live human donor
in India and some other third-world countries: $2,000
Price of a cornea: $4,000
Price of a patch of skin: $50
-- Time
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
MEDICINE: The art or science of amusing a sick man with frivolous
speculations about his disorder, and of tampering ingeniously,
till nature either kills or cures him.
-- Daniel Drake, MD (1785-1852)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Nothing ever makes sense first thing in the morning.
-- Jack Dane (Yale Summers) in "Daktari"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female
reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentary way that she was as succulent
as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for,
he isn't fit to live.
-- Martin Luther King (1929-1968)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of prison inmates per 100,000 general population in the U.S.: 426
...in the Soviet Union: 288
...in Great Britain (the highest in Western Europe): 97
-- Free Inquiry
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Rabbinical authorities in the religious township of B'nei B'rak, Israel,
banned hot pizza in fast-food stores and kiosks because they believe it could
lead to improper contact between the sexes. They reasoned that boys and
girls might have to wait in line at stores for their pizzas to heat. "They
might look at at each other [which is] an offense against modesty," said one
rabbi's aide, "or, God forbid, even touch each other."
It is not forbidden to sell cold pizza.
-- "News of the Weird"
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of people added to California per month: 41,300
-- U.S. Census Bureau
DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY
HARDWARE: Where the people in your company's software section will tell you
the problem is.
SOFTWARE: Where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you
the problem is.
-- Dave Barry
QUIZ FOR THE DAY
Of the following cars, which is made in the U.S.?
Pontiac LeMans, Chevy Lumina, Mercury Capri, Honda Accord Coupe,
Dodge Stealth, Mercury Tracer, Plymouth Voyager.
Answer: Honda Accord Coupe
-- Wall Street Journal
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of people, since the line opened, that thought they could outrun
the 55-MPH Blue Line train at the crossing by going around the closed
gates and were wrong: 37
Number of people that didn't live to try it again: 6
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A Chicken McNugget doesn't die any easier than baby fur seals.
-- Ted Nugent
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Courtesy, New York Style)
I paid my fare; then I opened my wallet again and gave the driver a big tip.
"Let me make sure you get out of the car safely," he said, and he leaned
way out his window, craned his neck, and yelled, "O.K., the coast is clear!"
-- The New Yorker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Look at Bartles and Jaymes -- why would anyone want to drink
after seeing what alcohol did to Ed?
-- Kelly McGonigal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Time has finally run out for communism. But its ediface has not yet crumbled.
May we not be crushed beneath its rubble instead of gaining liberty.
-- Alexander Solzhenitsyn, 1990
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel
and need no special parking facilities.
-- Lewis Mumford
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Anything that calls itself new is doomed to a short life.
-- Tom Wolfe
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The cinema is not a slice of life but a piece of cake.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Estimated gallons of water needed to produce selected foods in California:
1 Cup of Lettuce: 3
1 Egg: 63
8 oz. Steak: 1,231
-- L.A. Times
NEW ITEM FOR THE DAY (Would You Buy a Used Prophecy From This Person?)
30 "psychic counselors" employed by a Woodland Hills 900-line personal advice
firm were unable to see the future for themselves last week, when their
employer cut their hourly wages from $10 to $5.50.
"The company may bring in less experienced people to take calls, but we're
professionals," an employee spokesperson said. The company, Network
Telemarketing Services, charges $239.40 per hour for "professional" advice
given by supposed clairvoyants and Tarot card readers.
-- Adapted from Greg Braxton, LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Why It Rains Dept.)
Nature, like man, sometimes weeps for gladness.
-- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Dont' knock the weather -- nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a
conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
-- F. McKinley Hubbard (1868-1930)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Estimated speed of the Colorado River at its fastest point, in MPH: 25
Estimated speed of the Los Angeles River when Adam Bishoff fell into it
last WednesDAY 35
-- L.A. Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Archimedes' Principle of Politics)
A light-weight congressman can often be buoyed up by a force
equal to the weight of the pork in his barrel.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Dennis Marfice, chief of hydrologic engineering for the Los Angeles District
of the Corps of Engineers...said Corps employees did not understand the
signficance of pre-flood danger signs such as an unusually heavy rainfall, a
a fast rise in the water level...and huge outflows from the dam....
"Somebody that's not experienced with that kind of chain of events won't
necessarily know what's going on," he said.
Presumably, a more-experienced employee is required to correctly interpret
"heavy rainfall, a fast rise in the water level and huge outflows" as a
flood danger and issue a warning.
-- Adapted from LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Price of one hour of topless cleaning service from Hooters,
a Las Vegas company: $57
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Number of peanuts, per capita, the U.S. government allows to be imported
each year: 2
-- James Bovard
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the number of profanities uttered by actors to the number
uttered by actresses in films released in the 1960s: 10:1
Ratio in films released last year: 2:1
-- Timothy Jay, North Adams State University (North Adams, Mass.)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Taiwan's cabinet who have Ph.D's from American Universities: 43
Percentage of U.S. cabinet members who have Ph.D's: 0
-- Harper's Index
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
LOVE: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Flucard's Corollary)
Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Decrease in the strength of the Earth's magnetic field since 1832: 5%
-- PBS
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
"Our supercomputer is mostly connections," David Chudnovsky said. "About
ninety per cent of its volume is cables. Your brain is the same way. It is
mostly made of connections. If I may say so, your brain is a liquid-cooled
parallel supercomputer." He pointed to his nose. "This is the fan."
-- Richard Preston, "The Mountains of Pi"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One man's vulgarity is another man's lyric.
-- Former Supreme Court Justice John Marshall Harlan (attributed)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
An Archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets,
the more he is interested in her.
-- Agatha Christie
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Los Angeles County residents
currently receiving welfare payments: 15
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-- Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
SHOW BUSINESS: Sincere insincerity
-- Benny Hill
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe 70 years ago, carefully
measured brain weights. He observed that the average weight of a man's brain
was 1350 grams, and of a woman, 1250 grams. This, he argued, was infallible
proof of the mental superiority of men over women. Being the true scientist,
he specified in his will that his own brain be added to his impressive
collection. The postmortem examination showed the interesting fact that his
own brain weighted only 1245 grams.
-- adapted from Scientific American
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Apartment Dweller's Law)
Your upstairs neighbors dance, your downstairs neighbors hit the roof,
and your next-door neighbors play handball.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of fax pages sent through AT&T, per year, in billions: 3.7
-- AT&T Annual Report
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Rule of Elderly Survival)
If you are wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe,
you have a pair like it somewhere in the closet.
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average time it takes to develop one medicine from the laboratory stage
to the pharmacy, in years: 12
Average cost to develop, in millions of dollars: 231
-- WSJ
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Japanese graduating high-school seniors who have taken
at least six years of English-language classes: 100
-- Japanese Consulate
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years Gloria Steinem says she lived in her apartment before
realizing that the oven did not work: 4
-- Gloria Steinem
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Partial list of companies affected adversely by the Michelangelo virus on
March 6:
Eastman Kodak
Exxon Corp.
Intel Corp. (shipped 839 infected disks of Lanspool 3.01)
Lotus Corp. (shipped infected CD/Networker disks)
Save The Whales, Santa Monica
-- PC Week, LA Times
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
According to recent International Atomic Energy Agency inspections, if
the Gulf War had not begun, Iraq would have built its first atomic bomb
by August, 1992. The facility used for bomb construction was not
identified as a nuclear weapons plant by the U.S. military during the war,
and it was not destroyed.
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of medical compounds approved by the FDA for public
sale to those tested on people: 1:4000
-- WSJ
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the number of fan letters Mary Pickford received in 1919
to the number Madonna received last year: 6:1
-- Guinness Film Facts and Feats
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Americans who think "espresso"
is an "overnight delivery system": 7
-- Krups North America
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of minutes it takes to hard-boil an ostrich egg: 90
--The Ostrich News
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Bring back mono.
-- Phil Spector
FACT FOR THE DAY (TODAY ONLY)
Windows and networks: a marriage made in Heaven!
APRIL FOOL!
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.
-- Spike Milligan
OSCAR FOR THE DAY
...And now for the award for The Most Awesome Performance Of A Dude Crashing
His Bike Through A Plate-Glass Window, Running Through The Mall Shooting At
Other Dudes, And Beating Up A Whole Bunch of OTHER Dudes All By Himself!
Gimme the envelope, please...
-- The New Yorker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We do lots of things with Apple [Computers]. We spend billions
of dollars on lawsuits, for example.
-- Bill Gates, Microsoft
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Who's Talking Dept.)
Annual per-capita income in Mexico, according to the World Bank: $2,000
...according to the Quarterly Journal of Economics: $4,900
-- Reason
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Terminator II" $490 million
gross income that came from foreign theaters: 58
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
On Coed Softball: Men know, deep in their souls, that if a woman had to choose
between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
elect to save the infant's life, without even considering whether there were
men on base.
-- Dave Barry
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
First the man takes a drink
Then the drink takes a drink
Then the drink takes the man.
-- Japanese proverb
DITTY FOR THE DAY "Just Cloning Around"
(Sing to the tune of "Home On The Range")
Oh, give me a clone of my own flesh and bone
With its "Y" chromosome changed to an "X."
And when it is grown then my own little clone
Will be of the oposite sex.
Clone, clone of my own...
-- Isaac Asimov (1920-1992)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of baseball players signed to pro contracts between 1987
and 1990 that came from Latin American countries: 26
-- LA Weekly
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
In vino ci sta laetitia,
In pane ci sta vita.
(In wine there is laughter,
In bread there is life.)
-- Italian proverb
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always count on the the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Projected average California freeway speed in the year 2000, in MPH: 11
-- LA Times
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Price of rubber chickens, per dozen: $57.60
Price of Groucho glasses, per dozen: $15.40
-- "Cost of Laughing" Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of weddings scheduled to take place in the next
four weeks on network TV series episodes: 12
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Democracy seems to require that we flush public dollars
down the toilet once in a while.
-- David Brodsly
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
We have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.
-- Earl Wilson
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of cellular phone users who say that their phone has
improved their marriage: 54
-- Gallup
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
In 19th century England, public executions were used by government officials
as a deterrent to pickpockets. Professional thieves used the public
executions as opportunities to work the crowds.
-- LA Times, contributed by Michael Murphy
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (EARTH DAY, May 22,1992)
The Earth: Love it or leave it.
-- Laddie Chapman
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of shoes currently on display at the
Los Angeles County Museum of Art: 400
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Portion of the world's landmass occupied by livestock: 1/4
-- Cornell University
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
One of Klaus Ludwig's favorite Sunday drives is the nice, smooth ribbon of
autobahn between Frankfurt and Bonn [Germany]. When the night is clear and
the road is empty, he hits the gas on his Mercedes-Benz 500E and watches
the speedometer climb to 155 m.p.h. He can make the 115-mile trip in about
45 minutes.
Sometimes people pass him.
-- LA Times
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
In March, the newspaper "The Oregonian" reported that it will no longer print
Indian nicknames for sports teams. Since then, we have learned that one of
the teams affected by this move is the Chemawa Indian School in Salem,
Oregon. The school's sports teams -- the Braves -- will no longer be referred
to by their nickname in the state's most important paper.
-- Reason
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
And now, jurors and rioters, a moment of silence
to observe the suspension of reason.
-- Laddie Chapman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The world is watching us.
-- Rev. Cecil Murray
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The color of everyone's skin is the same when covered with soot.
-- Christina Gonzales, Fox News
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Preserve us from us.
-- Rev. Cecil Murray
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We have met the enemy and he is us.
-- Pogo (Walt Kelly)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Where is the rhyme or reason, [Angelenos] must wonder, in a system that puts
Zsa Zsa Gabor behind bars for slapping the policeman who stops her for a
traffic violation, then exonerates four officers who are filmed breaking a
man's leg and fracturing his facial bones in a sustained assault that leaves
the victim bleeding and half senseless?
-- Arizona Republic
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
NBC/Mutual radio reporter Steve Futterman was quizzing looters emerging from
a store in the Crenshaw district.
"What did you take?" he asked a man.
"I got some gospel music," the looter replied, "I love Jesus."
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We did not do our job.
-- LA Police Chief Daryl Gates
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Price of "Video Catnip," a 25-minute video of birds, squirrels,
and chipmunks, from Pet Avision: $19.95
-- Pet Avision
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of "Tonight" shows Johnny Carson has hosted: 6512
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of times Dr. Benjamin Spock, 89, author of many best-selling
"child rearing" books, consults his psychoanalyst each week: 4
-- Dr. Spock
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
For the first time in 141 years of America's Cup racing, a man (not a buoy)
got flagged for boat interference. He was Scuba Cam Man, taking pictures for
ESPN while floating in the water near the race course; sort of a fish's-eye
view of the race.
But the photographer floated INTO the race with the current. Both the
Americans and Italians had to change course to avoid hitting his
yellow-helmeted head. There was nothing Scuba Cam Man could do, short of
singing: "Hello muddah, hello faddah. What am I doing in this regatta?"
-- adapted from Mike Downey
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Most people consider a glass as half empty or half full.
I look at it as too big.
-- George Carlin
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of deaths in Los Angeles County caused by vehicular
accidents during 1991: 1215
Number of deaths caused by guns: 1554
- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of households that still have at least one rotary
(old-style dial) phone: 40
-- WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Teach a man to repair a car and you've given him greasy fingernails.
Teach him how to hot-wire one and you've given him transportation.
-- quoted by John Johnson, LA Times
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of B2 bombers that the U.S. Congress planned on buying, at
ONE BILLION dollars each, before the cold war ended: 16
Number of B2 bombers that Congress NOW has on order: 20
-- Eric Mankin, LA Reader
COWS FOR THE DAY
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-----------\/ /---------\/ /-------\/ /-----\/
/ | || / | || / | || / | || U
* ||--------|| * ||------|| * ||----|| * ||--|| /---V
OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO * O--O
Full-Size Cow Mid-Size Cow Compact Cow Sub-Compact Cow Yugo
(Non-polluting) STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the cost of an all-electric Ford Escort sold by Solar Electric in
Santa Rosa to the cost of the conventional gas model sold by Ford: 2/1
Expected sales of cars converted to electric by Green Motor Works in North
Hollywood, per month: 4
-- WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A week from now, we'll all be saying, "Wheerrrrrre's Johnny?"
-- Mel Brooks, a week ago
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of Americans who indicate they may have been physically abducted
by a UFO alien, in millions: 3.7
-- Roper poll, sponsored by
the Intruders Foundation and
the Fund for UFO Research
COW FOR THE DAY
(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||----|| *
/-------\/ *-------\/ || | /
/ | || / | || /\-------/
* ||----|| / ||----|| (oo)
^^ ^^ vv vv (~~)
American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow
NEW ACRONYMS FOR ECOLOGICAL ACTIVISM
Not In My Back Yard (NIMBY)
Locally Undesirable Land Uses (LULU)
Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything (BANANA)
-- WSJ
SIGN FOR THE DAY
Sign on the marquee of the Laugh Factory comedy club during the recent
L.A. riots: "All the jokes were stolen. Please don't break in."
-- WSJ
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of handguns purchased legally in Los Angeles County in the last five
years, not including post-riot purchases, rifles or shotguns: 466,453
Ratio of handgun-to-residents this alone represents: 1/19
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of the world's total land vegetation that is classified by
botanists as "grass": 30
-- Roy Lukes, Naturalist
COWS FOR THE DAY
(__) (__) __)
(oo) (oo) o)
/-------\/ /-------\/
/ | O || * ||----||
* ||----|| || ||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow that gives Cow that gives Cow that gives
(W)hole Milk. Low-Fat Milk. 2% Milk.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of NCR Automatic Teller Machines (ATM's) on U.S. Navy ships: 330
-- WSJ
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage increase in the average price of a new car since 1980: 100
-- U.S. Dept. of Commerce
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Amount a Kuwaiti husband receives from the government when he marries
a Kuwaiti bride, the first time: $14,000
Amount he gets for each additional Kuwaiti wife he marries
(polygamy is not only legal, but encouraged): $3,500
-- WSJ
COWS FOR THE DAY
o o (__) ^
\ / (oo) /
\ / _____\/___/
(__) \__/ / /\ / /
(oo) _______(oo) ^ / * /
/---------\/ /| ___ \/ / ___/
/ | x=a(b)|| / | { }|| *----/\
* ||------|| * ||{___}|| / \
^^ ^^ ||-----|| / /
^^ ^^ ^ ^
Mathematical Television This cow does Disco
Cow Cow (That's what comes of
(developer of (Cow-thode snorting cow-caine)
cow-culus) Ray Tube)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years the Oldsmobile 98 automobile has been made: 51
-- Autodata
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of AAA batteries used by the sound department
since the Phantom of the Opera opened in LA: 57,000
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
What -- me worry?
-- Alfred E. Neuman (c/o William Gaines, MAD publisher, 1922-1992)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of E's in the word "potato," according to VP Dan Quayle: 1
COWS FOR THE DAY
\ /
\ /
(__) \ (__) /
/\/\_(oo) \ /\/\_(oo) /
// == \ // == /
/ | /\/\|| \ / | /\/\|| /
* || || \ * || || /
^^ ^^ \___^^____^^_____/
Silly cow
(His father was a camel) Sillycow-valley.
(If you don't get this one,
just ask any engineer)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of electricity converted to heat instead of light
in a conventional light bulb: 95
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount of Social Security checks voluntarily returned
to the government in 1991: $230,000
-- U.S.A. Today
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DAN QUAYLE: One taco short of a combination plate.
-- Robin Williams
COWS FOR THE DAY
(__) (__) (__)
(OO) (@@) (xx)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash
psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of people added to the world's population each DAY 260,000
Percentage of this increase that is in China: 18
-- LA Times, WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
-- Ethel Watts Mumford
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard
work, learning from failure.
-- Gen. Colin L. Powell
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard
work, learning from failure.
-- Gen. Colin L. Powell
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you want an accounting of your worth, count your friends.
-- Mary Browne (National Enquirer)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of air bags that have inflated in accidents: 57,000
Number of lives estimated to have been saved: 300
-- US Dept. of Transportation
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Even if you are on the right track, you're in the way if you aren't moving.
-- Will Rogers
COWS FOR THE DAY
(__)
(oo) U
/-------\/ /---V
/ | || * |--| .
* ||----||
^^ ^^
Cow at 1 yard. Cow at 100 yards. Cow at 10,000 yards.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
-- Publilius Syrus
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of electric vehicles currently registered in California: 3,095
-- California DMV
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously
and the politicians as a joke.
-- Will Rogers
COWS FOR THE DAY
__ o oo o
(__) \||/
(__) (__) (___)
(__) (oo) (oo) (o o)
( ) /-------\/ /-------\/ /$$$$$$$\ /
( /* ) / | || / | || / $$$$$$$|O
| | * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||w---||
^ ^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Dairy-Air East Indian Cow Injun Cow Cash Cow
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
In this election year, more computer viruses than ever have come to light.
If you see any of these, notify the proper authorities.
the TED KENNEDY VIRUS: Crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.
the RICHARD NIXON VIRUS: You can wipe this one out, but it always makes
a comeback.
the RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Keeps forgetting what day it is and what exactly
it is supposed to do.
-- Virus Research Center
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority
of Americans are possessed of two great qualities - a sense of humor and a
sense of proportion.
-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR
the GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it
until November.
the BILL CLINTON VIRUS: This virus mutates from region to region. We're
not exactly sure what it does.
the JERRY BROWN VIRUS: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
-- Virus Research Center
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of California residential telephone numbers that are unlisted: 40
-- LA Times
COW FOR THE DAY
___________________________
/ / / /
/ /__________/ /
/ /
/ /
/ /
/ /
/ 3.5" 135tpi /
/__________________________/
Cow Stored as Binary Information.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Democracy does not guarantee equality, only equality of opportunity.
-- Irving Kristol
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Days it would take to exhaust Ross Perot's fortune if it were used
to pay the interest on the federal deficit: 6
-- Harper's Index
MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR
the PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.
the DAVID DUKE VIRUS: Makes your screen go completely white.
the TED KENNEDY VIRUS: Crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.
-- Virus Research Center
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Dollars spent by the average U.S. household on auto insurance
for the past 10 years: 8910
Amount received by the average household in claims during that
period: 600
Percentage of premiums retained by the insurance companies: 93
-- Consumer's Union
COW FOR THE DAY
)\ (__)
/ \ (oo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cow trying out for a part in the new JAWS movie
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of digits needed to dial a single phone number through Sprint
using the Discover card: 42
-- Consumer's Union
MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR
the CHICAGO FLOOD VIRUS: Looks just like one of those "aquarium" screen
blankers, but the fish are real and your monitor
is full of water.
the SCUD MISSLE VIRUS: Crashes the computer in the next room.
the PATRIOT MISSLE VIRUS: Attempts to remove the Scud Missle Virus from the
computer in the next room.
-- Virus Research Center
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of Pat Paulsen, amoung candidates winning the most votes in North Dakota's
Republican primary in June: 2
-- Secretary of State, North Dakota
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Excuses are the nails used to build the house of failure.
-- Don Wilder
COWS FOR THE DAY
(__) (__)
/ oo ______ / @@ ______
| /\_| | \ | /\_| | \
| |___ | | | |___ | |
| ---@ |_______| | ---@ |_______|
* | | ---- | | | | ---- | |
\ | |_____ | |_____
\|________| *____/|________|
CompuCow CompuCow After an All-niter
QUOTES FOR THE DAY
Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger
of taking educated people seriously.
-- G. K. Chesterton
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
-- Albert Einstein
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Yesterday's gone down the river, and you can't get it back.
-Larry McMurtry (from "Lonesome Dove")
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Tons of trash generated by the Rio Earth Summit in June, per DAY 7
-- AP
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's amazing to see the number of persons taking ego trips
with so little luggage.
-"Kup's Column" (Chicago Times)
COWS FOR THE DAY
(__) (__)
/ -- ______ / .\/. ______
| /\_| | \ | /\_| | \
| |___ | | | |___ | |
| ---@ |_______| | ---@ |_______|
| | ---- | | * | | ---- | |
| |_____ \ | |_____
*____/|________| \|________|
CompuCow Asleep at the Keyboard CompuCow Discovers Bug in Program
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Croatian to Charles Barkley: "Did our team scare you tonight?"
Charles Barkley to Croatian: "Nah. Y'all weren't that ugly."
-- Mike Downey, LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Change, like sunshine, can be friend or foe, a blessing or a curse,
a dawn or a dusk.
-- William Arthur Ward
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I can't believe those juice people. They put watermelon and tomato and
broccoli and carrots together and they drink it. I get the same result
from the garbage disposal but I don't drink it.
-- Richard Kaufman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
90 Percent of the game is half mental.
--Yogi Berra
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Dollars spent by the average U.S. household on auto insurance
for the past 10 years: 8910
Amount received by the average household in claims during that
period: 600
Percentage of premiums retained by the insurance companies: 93
-- Consumer's Union
COWS FOR THE DAY
(_____) (Big Mac)
\0 0/ _____________
_________(o o) / \
/ | U | XXXXXXXXXXXXX
* | /______ _ | \_____________/
|| || || ||
this is a cow... this is a cow on drugs
Any questions??
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The irresistible rise of desktop publishing has proven that the idea of the
"paperless office" was a rather silly sales myth dreamed up by technologists
with a far better grasp of microprocessors than of human behavior.
-- Michael Schrage
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of NBC Olympic Triplecast sales expected to those actually sold: 10:1
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Werner Von Braun
QUOTES FOR THE DAY
I want an American family that is more like the Waltons
and less like the Simpsons.
-- George Bush
Hey, man. We're just like the Waltons. We're waiting for the
depression to end, too.
-- Bart Simpson
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I am a great believer of luck, and I find that the more I work,
the more I have of it.
-- Steven Leacock
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CROCODILES: What the phone company was left with after people switched to
push-button phones
-- Johnny Hart
COW TIPPING
Step 1. Step 2.
(__)
(--)
/-------\/ O--------O_
/ | || /| :: |_)
* ||w---|| * O--------O
~~ ~~
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.
-- Alexandra Penney
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.
COW FOR THE DAY
@@@@@
@@\0 0/@@
(o o)
** |U| **
***( )***
// \ / \\
// *** \\
*******
***********
***************
*******************
*********************
*********************
Cow Belle
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of countries that have issued at least one Elvis Presley
postage stamp: 13
-- Linn's Stamp News
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Only great pain is the ultimate liberator of the spirit.
-- Nietzche
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Years it would take a Nike worker in Indonesia to earn Michael Jordan's
endorsement fee: 44,492
-- Sung Hwa Corp., Julie Strasser
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Getting people to like you is only the other side of liking them.
-- Norman Vincent Peale
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of reduction in U.S. natural gas production as
a result of Andrew's damage to Gulf of Mexico facilities: 5
-- James Tanner, WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You can't schedule creativity, only the results of it.
-- Albert Einstein.
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of people classified as "poor" by the U.S. government
that owned their own homes in 1989: 40
Number of "poor" people that own homes valued at more than
$300,000: 75,000
-- Census Bureau
COWS FOR THE DAY
/\ __
{__} _[__]_
(oo) /(oo)\
/-------\/ /------@\/@
/ | + || / | |@@
* ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Sacred Cow Zen Cow (eating grass) Hasidic Cow
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of people who die while waiting for a kidney transplant
to be available, per day: 6
-- United Network for Organ Sharing
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We must view young people not as empty bottles to be filled,
but as candles to be lit.
-- Robert H. Shaffer
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Price paid at Christie's East auction house for a pair of
Kiler Bee antennae from "Saturday Night Live": $605
-- Playboy
COWS FOR THE DAY
/\
/ \ (__) __
(oo) (oo) (oo)
/------\/ /-ooo--\/ /------\/
/| | /|o | o | /| |
* ||----|| * ||o^o || * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
"Conehead" cow Anti-war cow Sinead O'Connor Cow
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason.
I have never used any other, and I trust I never shall.
-- Thomas Paine
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Expect people to be better than thay are; it helps them to become better.
But don't be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to keep trying.
-- Merry Browne
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
-- Woody Allen
COWS FOR THE DAY
(()) (()) ||||
(oo) (oo)
/------\/ (OO) /------\/
/| | /------\/ /| |
* ||----|| /| | * ||----||
^^ ^^ * ||----|| ^^ ^^
^^ ^^
Don King cow Don King cow after Buckwheat cow
getting electric shock (Otay? Otay!)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PARAPSYCHOLOGIST: One who, seated in the park near a riding academy
and hearing hoofbeats approaching, expects a
unicorn to round the corner.
-- James Randi
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of calories in a chocolate chip cookie baked according to
Hillary Clinton's recipe: 68
Number of calories in a chocolate chip cookie baked according to
Barbara Bush's recipe: 75
-- Family Circle
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of the world's vampires who live in the United States: 550
Number who live in Romania: 3
-- Vampire Research Center, NY
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of defendants in criminal cases in Japan
that are found guilty, per 100 tried: 99
-- Supreme Court of Japan, Tokyo
COW FOR THE DAY
_______
/ \
(__) ( !ooM )
(oo) --'\_______/
/-------\/
/ | ||
* ||----||
~~ ~~
Dyslexic Cow
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I just had plastic surgery -- they took all my credit cards...
except for my Discover card, which nobody takes...
-- Wendy Liebman
DITTY FOR THE DAY
I have a spelling checker,
It came with the company PC
It plainly marks four my revue
MIstakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm shore your pleas to no,
It's letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
-- contributed by Frank Kelly
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
World's record for fastest rap, held by Chicago's Tung Twista,
in syllables per second: 10
-- Guinness book of Records, 1993
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The whole country is talking about family values and decency, yet the most
popular movie of the year has a woman dressed like a cat licking a man
dressed like a bat...and I don't even want to guess how the man in that
penguin suit fits in...
-- Jim, "Murphy Brown"
COW FOR THE DAY
_______
| | |
|___|___|
|\_____/|
| |
|_______|
_ | _ |
/-------// |--(_)--|
/ | || |_______| (__)
* ||----|| | | (++)
^^ ^^ |_______| \/
Marie Antoinette's Cow
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average MPG of the Environmental Protection Agency's fleet of cars: 6.3
-- Reason
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of balloons dropped by the Democrats during the 1992 convention: 60,000
Number of balloons dropped by the Republicans during their convention: 250,000
-- Reason
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of people injured by jewelry last year: 43,000
-- Consumer Product Safety Commission
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Chance favors the prepared mind.
-- Louis Pasteur
COW FOR THE DAY
(__( .-<
(oo) |
___\/___|
| | |
| | |
>-' | |
*----/\
/ \
/ \
^ ^
Egyptian Cow
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Man's self-interest is God's providence.
-- Adam Smith (1723-1790)
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Name of the cat that lives at the Spencer Public Library in
Spencer, Iowa: Dewey R. Books (The R stands for "Readmore")
-- Cats Magazine
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
-- Rita Rudner
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
From now until Election Day, chances that a pollster will call you: 1,140 to 1
-- USA Today
COWS FOR THE DAY
(__) (__) (__)
(\/) ($$) (**)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | 666 || / |=====|| / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Satanic cow Yuppie cow Cow in love
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Intel has announced the name of its new microprocessor. Noooo, not "586,"
but "Pentium." Until now, Intel labeled its successive generations of PC
CPU's with numbers ending in "86," as in "286," "386," but Intel has
been unable to win trademark rights to those numbers. The switch to a
non-numbered name should make it easier to protect against the clones.
Among the suggested, and rejected names, for the new chip: Cinco de Micro,
Memory Lane, Millennium Starchip, and 586-Not.
-- Adapted from The Wall Street Journal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Vote for the man who promises least. He'll be the least disappointing.
-- Bernard Baruch (1870-1965)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A politician is a statesman who approaches every question
with an open mouth.
-- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1963)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It doesn't matter who you vote for, the Government always gets in.
-- graffito in London, 1970s
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
-- George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Number of speaking phrases available for the Teen Talk Barbie doll: 270
Number of phrases found offensive to women
by the American Association of University Women (AAUW): 1
Offensive phrase: "Math class is tough!"
Suggested replacement: "Math class is easy!"
-- News sources
COW FOR THE DAY
________
(__) / \
(oo) ( Squeak!! )
/-------\/ --'\________/
/ | ||
* ||----||
~~ ~~
A Cow-mon Mistake
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
-- W.C. Fields (1879-1946)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
-- Groucho Marx
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There are no constraints put on your work; consequently there is no excuse
for doing anything less than excellent work.
-- Producer with the Film Board of Canada
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of notches below child molesters that politicians are,
according to Woody Allen in "Annie Hall": 1
-- Harper's Research
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If it weren't for the people, all we'd be is a bunch of drafting tables.
-- Partner in an architectural firm
QUOTE FOR VETERANS DAY
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row...
-- John McCrae (1872-1918)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The best don't need rules and the worst won't be helped by them.
-- Voltaire
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The purpose of education is to make the young as unlike their parents
as possible.
-- Woodrow Wilson
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Unless American industry and other institutions begin to act on the need for
quality in today's world, we are all going to be second-class citizens. It's
no longer American industry vs. American industry. It's American industry vs.
the world. Being involved with total quality is not just being nice, and it's
not something that we like to do just for the fun of it. It's essential for
survival.
-- James R. Houghton (Chairman, Corning, Inc.)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Rank of Toshiba, Mitsubishi and Hitachi in last year's holders
of new U.S. patents: 1,2,3
Number of Japanese language programs in U.S. schools: 860
-- Anne Eisenberg, Scientific American
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Year that Amtrak plans to stop dumping human waste along its tracks: 1996
-- Amtrak (Washington)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of members of the Young Black Teenagers, a rap group, who are black: 0
-- Soul Records (NYC)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of manufacturers' coupons printed last year to the number of bills
printed by the U.S. Treasury: 4/1
-- NCH Promotional Services (Ilinois)/U.S. Dept. of the Treasury
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Lord gave us two ends -- one to sit on and the other to think with.
Success depends on which one we use the most.
-- Ann Landers
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of people killed during high-speed police chases in the Southern
California area in the last two weeks: 10 1/2
Number of those killed that were innocent bystanders: 8 1/2
-- News sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of postal stamps with Evis' picture on them ever released
in the U.S.: 1
Number of Elvis postal stamps ever released in the island of St.
Vincent, British West Indies: 9
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
No quote today, I'm hibernating.
-- The Official Turkey
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last
is to say "Thank you." In between, the leader is a servant.
-- Max De Pree
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly.
-- Anatole France
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of armed bank robberies in Los Angeles, per DAY 1
-- Prime Time Live
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well.
-- Sir William Osler
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
...corporate and personal tax hikes [are] widely expected under the
incoming Clinton Administration.
-- LA Times Staff Writers
IN THIS DAY IN HISTORY
December 7,1941 - The date the Nazis first used gas to exterminate Jews
(in Chelmno, Poland). Average number of bodies burned per DAY 2000
-- Shoah
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Consumer's Union, publisher of "Consumer Reports" magazine, recently took a
survey asking readers how they use TV remote controls. It turns out men and
women use them differently.
Fully 85% of the men confessed they "channel surf" -- flicking, clicking, and
zapping between channels. Only 60% of the women said they used a remote that
way.
Why the differences between sexes? Comedian Jerry Seinfeld suggested:
"Because women nest and men hunt."
-- Adapted from Consumer Reports
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Expertise grows out of hard work and, to some extent, luck. It's hard work
that develops a skill base, and it's often luck that gives us the chance
to apply that base.
-- William G. Pagonis (Desert Storm Logistics Commander)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Only 14 more shopping days until Christmas...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Only 19 more shopping days until the New Year...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The problem with government is that it scratches where there ain't no itch.
-- Hodges Observation
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Serbs and Croats are so much alike that the only way they can tell each other
apart is by religion. And most of them aren't religious. So the difference
between Serbs and Croats is that the Serbs don't go to Eastern Orthodox
services and the Croats don't attend mass. And the difference between Serbs
and Muslims is that five times a day the Muslims don't pray to Mecca.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the
right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
-- Dorthy Nevill
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One night I was so drunk...I took home a "10"...but when I woke up,
the decimal point had moved over to the left...
-- George Wallace
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Retirement benefits that will be paid to George Bush in 1993, expressed
as a percentage of his previous salary: 169
-- Ellen Shultz, Wall Street Journal
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Last-Minute Pet Gift Dept.)
Price of an eight-week course in acting for dogs, including room and board,
at Kamer Canine College in North Hollywood: $4,150
-- Kamer Canine College, NH, CA
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Mrs. Claus to Santa: "You smell like a chimney."
-- Shanahan
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
-- S. Claus
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
HO! (etc.)
-- S. Claus
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Your condom or mine?
-- "Love & War," quoted by Rick Du Brow, LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years it took before the Vatican agreed with Galileo's premise
(in 1632 AD) that the Earth revolved around the Sun: 360
-- news sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Super Bowl viewers who do not live in the United States: 89
-- A.C. Nielsen Media Research/National Football League
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of new laws passed by the California Legislature last year, most of
which went into effect on January 1: 1,386
-- news sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years in office Saddam Hussein will celebrate this summer: 13
-- The New Republic
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
No nation should be allowed to start [a war] until they've paid
for the last one.
-- Will Rogers
IN MEMORIAM
DIZZY GILLESPIE (1917-1993): His arms were too short to play trombone,
so he took up trumpet.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
-- Frank Outlaw
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Pounds of sugar eaten by the average person, per year, according to Cher: 40
-- LC Research
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Total number of points made by Michael Jordan in his professional basketball
career, as of last FriDAY 20,000
-- news sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of Iraqi army, in size, among the world's armies,
just before the Gulf War: 4
-- Nova
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Officials are not yet ready to say the drought is over...
-- KABC-TV News
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid
than to open it and remove all doubt.
-- Mark Twain
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
The practice of astrology took a major step toward credibility today when,
as predicted, every Scorpio was run over by an egg truck...
-- Cartoon quip
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I never dated Amy Fisher. I fixed her car. I helped her with her homework.
I never laid a hand on Amy Fisher.
-- David Letterman
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times Theodore Roosevelt used the pronoun "I"
in his second inaugural speech in 1905: 0
-- Walter Cronkite, PBS
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Don't roll sticky labels backwards in your printer. Chances are good
that they'll peel off and gum up the works.
-- Rick Letowt
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Chances that a member of the thrash-metal band Anthrax
lives with his parents: 2 in 5
-- Elektra Entertainment, NYC
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of the United States, among all countries, in arms sales
to Somalia since 1985: 1
-- U.S. Arms Control & Disarmament Agency
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you wish to understand how an electronic device works, make yourself
very small, enter the device and look around. If you are observant,
you can see what makes it function.
--Charles Litton (founder of Litton Industries)
(His drug of choice: unknown)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Approximate market value of all IBM stock, in billions of dollars: 27
Approximate market value of all Microsoft stock, in billions of dollars: 27
-- LA Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Price of a lunch of lobster, asparagus, and poached pears,
at the Treasury Department executive dining room: $4.75
-- U. S. Dept. of Treasury
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you want to succeed, be as ready to fall in love
with someone else's ideas as you are with your own.
--Judith Rich
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
How much ground round
Would a groundhog hog
If a groundhog were ground round?
-- Walt Kelly
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of former Yugoslavs seeking asylum that the United States
has agreed to accept: 0.0016
Percentage Germany has agreed to accept: 41
-- United Nations, NYC
HIGH-TECH: GOD'S FAX NUMBER
The Israeli government's telephone company, Bezek, has set up a special line
on which people can fax their secret requests to God. The Jerusalem number is
612-222. For no extra charge, messages received there from around the world
will be brought to the Western Wall and put in its cracks.
-- The New Yorker
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Hartford, Connecticut, residents have had it easy for the last three years.
Thanks to a computer error, none has had to serve on a federal grand jury.
The city's name had been listed in the wrong place on their records, forcing
the "D" into the column for personal information. This caused the computer
to think all Hartford resident were dead.
-- Reason
ORTHOGRAPHIC DIAGRAM FOR THE DAY
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Before Shaquille O'Neal After Shaquille O'Neal
-- drawing by Scott Shupe
(If you don't get it, ask any sports fan)
CHALK TALK FOR THE DAY
|
/ =|
/ |--\ / |
/ | | /=|
/ / |--\ /
/ / | |
========= ==========
Before Shaquille O'Neal After Shaquille O'Neal
-- drawing by Scott Shupe
(If you don't get it, ask any sports fan)
INSPIRATIONAL POEM FOR THE DAY
ELEMENTS, by Henry Gibson
I used to like fresh air;
When it was there.
And water, I enjoyed it.
Till we destroyed it.
Each day, the land's diminished.
I think I'm finished.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Russian government revenue that comes from Vodka production: 10
-- Vladimir Treml, Duke University, NC
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I love to think of nature
as an unlimited broadcasting station
through which God speaks to us every hour,
if we will only tune in.
-- George Washington Carver
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Due to the new administration's policies] It appears increasingly likely
that [most Americans] will pay higher taxes...
-- David Lauter, LA Times Staff Writer
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
GEORGE WASHINGTON: The last President who was elected the hard way --
without telling a lie.
--Annel and DeWood
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The computer, when properly used, is a wonderfully useful slave.
--Mario Salvadori
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Accidents are a fool's explanation for destiny.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Change in number of U.S. farms since 1900: -58%
Change in the number of Dept. of Agriculture employees since 1900: +2000%
-- Paul Engleman, Playboy
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the amount the Ford Motor Company spent last year on health care
to the amount it spent on steel: 1/1
-- Ford Motor Co, MI
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Mud slung is ground lost.
-- Chinese Proverb
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's time to take the bull by the tail and look the situation
squarely in the face.
-- W.C. Fields
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FRIENDS: People who know the truth about you and love you just the same.
-- Ruth Brown
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Sparrows who emulate peacocks are likely to break a thigh.
-- Burmese Proverb
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me -- but deep
down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
-- Robert Orben
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The point to remember is that what the government gives,
it must first take away.
-- John S. Coleman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain or Benjamin Disraeli
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The easiest way to find more time to do all the things you want to do
is to turn off the television.
-- O.A. Battista
QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Chicken Little was right!)
The earth's climate seems to be cooling down. (Meteorologists) are almost
unanimous in the view...
-- Newsweek, April 28, 1975
The atmosphere may be reaching the limit of its capacity to absorb emitted
carbon dioxide [which will cause] a disastrous greenhouse effect (global
warming).
-- Newsweek, June 1, 1992
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY (Down On The Farm Dept.)
Percentage change in number of persons working on farms
from 1950 to 1990: -70
Percentage change in number of persons working for the
US Dept. of Agriculture for the same period: +53
Present ratio of bureaucrats to full-time farmers: 1/6
-- Karl Zinsmeister, Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
-- Marty Klein
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Surgeon's Quandary)
Oops -- I cut it off again and it's still too short.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Beans, beans, the musical fruit;
The more you eat, the more you toot.
-- Mel Brooks
POEM FOR THE DAY ("Affectionate Light Bulb")
I have a 75 watt, glare free, long life
Harmony House light bulb in my toilet.
I have been living in the same apartment
for over two years now
And that bulb just keeps burning away.
I believe it is fond of me.
-- Richard Brautigan
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of hours it took to cross the USA in a record-breaking electric
vehicle test run by Chrysler: 158
Ratio of time spent recharging batteries to traveling time: 3:1
-- LA Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Beginning rock hounds take everything for granite.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The nice thing about folk music is that if you don't get it today, it'll
wait for you. The music has power, that's why it survives. It just has
to be passed on.
-- Mary Travers
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Vaudeville is Dead, Long Live Vaudeville!)
Percentage change, since 1991, in sales of rubber chickens
at House of Magic in San Francisco: +150
-- House of Magic, (SF)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the number of licensed gun dealers in the United States to the
number of gas stations: 6/5
-- Josh Sugarman, Violence Policy Center (Washington)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of the parts in each new Chrysler Concorde, "the renaissance
of the American car," that are imported: 28
-- Chrysler Corp. (MI)
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
After being visited by 8,600 people, an image many believe was the Virgin Mary
disappeared from the fabric blinds at a Las Cruces, New Mexico, home when a
light bulb in the room burned out.
-- Albuquerque Journal (NM)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
ACQUAINTANCE: A person we know well enough to borrow from,
but not well enough to lend to.
-- Ambrose Bierce
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
RICHES: The reward of toil and virtue.
-- J.P. Morgan, financier
RICHES: The savings of many in the hands of one.
-- Eugene Debs, labor organizer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A show business award is like a social disease; nobody really deserves it,
but if you screw around long enough, you'll get one.
-- Richard Jeni
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (How to Bite the Hand that Feeds Me Dept.)
I look forward to the time when tributes like this [the Oscars] will be
no longer necessary...when people will be judged for their work.
-- Barbra Streisand
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked
by the foot.
-- Leo Tolstoy
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
In a stunning joint announcement today, attorneys for Laurence Powell,
Stacy Koon and Rodney King stated that the video tape used in the ongoing
civil rights trials had been faked. Said Officer Koon, "It was all a college
prank, see? We were just having some fun and it got out of hand."
Said Mr. King, laughing, while tending the hamburgers at the BBQ
he threw for the now-acquitted officers (who have been his friends for years),
"Yes, that's right; we were just rehearsing for a show. The blows only look
real because of the carefully chosen camera angles. In Hollywood you can
fake anything."
-- as reported by I. Lirpa
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The "Rule Of Accuracy")
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps
if you know the answer.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
I believe in making the world safe for our children,
But not for our children's children,
Because I don't think children should be having sex.
-- Jack Handey
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DENTIST: A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins
out of your pocket.
-- Ambrose Bierce
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Those who can't teach -- administrate.
Those who can't administrate -- run for office.
-- H. L. Mencken
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We [the police] will not be sitting in command posts
waiting for something to happen.
-- Los Angeles Police Chief Willie L. Williams
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Why doesn't Hillary get a job?
-- Art Buchwald
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of laps around the new White House jogging track
required to burn off the calories in one Big Mac: 21
-- Harper's research
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount the federal government spent each day last year
on "intelligence": $79,000,000
Amount President Clinton has proposed cutting from the
budget of the CIA: 0
-- New York Times, White House
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of cardigan sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on his TV show since 1968: 24
-- Family Communications (Pittsburgh)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of U.S. spies in East Germany since 1948 who proved to be
double agents, according to the CIA: 100
-- Anon. former CIA analyst (Washington)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Time until, due to earth movement around the San Andreas Fault, San
Francisco and Los Angeles are suburbs of each other, in years: 5,000,000
-- PBS
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
The statute [that the L.A. officers were convicted under in the Rodney King
trial] came from the Civil Rights Act of 1871...[its] main purpose was to
thwart the Ku Klux Klan's efforts to maintain a campaign of violence against
newly freed slaves...
-- Amy Stevens, WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When you have 100 TV crews but not one firetruck, that's not a
well thought-out plan, that's box office.
-- Rep. James A. Traficant Jr. (Ohio)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the number of millionaires in Bill Clinton's cabinet
to the number in George Bush's: 1/1
-- U.S. News & World Report
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated percentage of the U.S. population that has seen
Disney's film "Aladdin": 20
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Any administration that can put out a press release on "The First 100 Days"
on day #96 is looking ahead.
-- Harry Shearer
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of rolls of cherry-flavored Lifesavers Frank Sinatra's contract
requires be provided backstage at each show: 12
-- Washington Post
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage change, since 1991, in the circulation of "Women & Guns
Magazine": +50
-- Women & Guns Magazine, Buffalo, NY
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Some say the strongest force on earth is nuclear fusion. I say it's parental
guilt, the endless worry that unless some benefit or other is made available
to one's offspring, they won't succeed in life.
-- Walter Mossberg, WSJ
