This file: CA 1987-1993
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CA 1987

                          OBSERVATION FOR THE DAY

             Apathy is becoming a major problem, but who cares?

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

        All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

               By the time a man can read a woman like a book,
               he is too old to collect a library.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                        I'm only God when I get paid.

                                                 -- George Burns

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                If I'd known I was going to live this long,
                I'd have taken better care of myself.

                                        -- Eubie Blake, on his 100th birthday


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                              Eschew Obfuscation.


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           I can take reality in small doses, but not as a life style.

                                                       -- Lily Tomlin


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

             Profanity is the crouton of inarticulate Muthafuckuhs.

                                                  -- Russell Palmer


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun lyin' anymore.

                                                    -- Norm Petersen, "Cheers"


                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              Sex is only a substitute, food is the real thing.

                                 -- Al Goldstein, publisher of "Screw" magazine


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain
   the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing.

                                --  J. B. Colbert, French Statesman, ca. 1665


                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Never eat at a place called "Mom's", never play cards with a man named "Doc",
  and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are greater than your own.

                                                               -- Nelson Algren


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.



                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         I want to thank my parents for not practicing birth control.

                                 -- Dustin Hoffman, at Academy Awards Ceremony


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         It's a cruel world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

                                                            - W.C. Fields

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.

                                                            - James Thurber


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

       We shall never understand one another until we reduce the language
       to seven words.
                                                            - Kahlil Gabran


                            GRAFFITI OF THE DAY

                           Lassie kills chickens.

                                                   - found at Pierce College


                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       We don't cite for gridlock.  That's considered a moving violation.

                               -- Ron Silagyi, LA Traffic Control Officer


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Everything's either concave or -vex,
So whatever you dream will be something with sex.

                                                              -- Piet Hein


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.

                                                            - Victor Borge


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   Sharp's Solid Thinking Law:  Crystal Balls aren't really very productive.

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature
      is in session.

                                        -- Judge Gideon Tucker (ca 1866)


                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Life is only a test; if it were real, we would have received more instructions.

                                                               -- Sandie Jost

                            *****   NOTICE   *****

       Due to the Hollywood writer's strike, the last two day's quotes
       have been reruns.


                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               What we see depends mainly on what we look for.

                                              -- Contributed by Cathi Thompson


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                       Ask not for whom the bell tolls
             and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

             Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.


                           TRIVIA QUESTION FOR THE DAY

          What are the names of the three California Dancing Raisins?

                         (Answer will be given tomorrow)


                   ANSWER TO YESTERDAY'S TRIVIA QUESTION

According to the California Raisin Advisory Board, The names of the three 
California Dancing Raisins are:

Tiny Goodbite, Justin X. Grape, and Ben Indasun (with the sunglasses).

First prize (a box of raisins, what else?) goes to PETER ARKIN, who supplied
the correct answer first (with the help of his wife).


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                   The early bird suffers from insomnia.


                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Jazz is for people who are determined to feel good in spite of all that's bad.

                                              -- quoted by Gary Owens, KKGO


             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Observation)

Remember on your walk through life, the grass made greener on the other side
of the fence is caused by "pasture pies".


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch it being made.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

       A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather
       and ask for it back when it starts to rain.


     THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Second Theory of Relativity)

       If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't either.


                  THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Gambling Dept.)

                    A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        Of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most.

                                                -- Contributed by Janet Vargas


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                 I can't even believe in skepticism anymore.

                                                            -- David Pavlovitch

         THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Newton's little-known seventh law)

              A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

               If your cow doesn't give milk, sell him.


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

The world is full of winners and losers.  Here's hoping you're one  of 'em.

                                                            -- Norm Petersen


                   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Dr. Tobias' Conclusion)

   The secret of good health is eating a raw onion a day.  The trouble is,
   nobody can keep it a secret.


                       THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Frisch's Law)

    It takes one woman nine months to have a baby, no matter how many men
    you put on the job.


          THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Negative Reformulation of Frisch's Law)

      You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

"Catch-22" is a Marxist novel.  Those Marxists being Groucho, Chico and Harpo.

                                                       -- Prof. John Raeburn

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

          Some people object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 A "peace-loving nation" is one which bans fireworks and makes hydrogen bombs.


                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

      Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

               A Sandwich is an attempt to make both ends meat.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          Smut, I'm pleased to say, is in the eyes of the beholder.

                                                        -- Tom Lehrer

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     The more people who agree with us,  the less nagging insecurity about
     our position.
                                                  -- Alan Watts

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     When there is good news, and it is NEWS, we do report it, but usually news
is a record of human failures.  Those wanting to celebrate human accomplishment
are...advised to go to the sports section.
                                                             -- Linda Ellerbee

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Dogs that can sniff out bombs would be invaluable in Hollywood, wouldn't you
say?  They'd save the studios millions.

                                                      -- Raymond Burr

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A kiss is a precedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech
at a moment when words are superfluous.


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              People in Hell - where do they tell someone to go?

                                                     -- Red Skelton

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           When the rhythm section ain't makin' it, go for yourself.

                                                       -- Ben Webster

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                      Family reunions are all relative.


                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      People never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
      from religious convictions.
                                                      -- Blaise Pascal

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     A lot of Michael's success is due to timing and luck.  It could just 
     as easily have been me.
                                                      -- Jermaine Jackson

              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Einstein's Theory of Relatives)

     The number of person's relatives is directly proportional to his fame.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

[My motion picture] cartoons were never made for children.  Nor were they made
for adults.  They were made for me.
                                                   -- Chuck Jones, Animator


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         Sex is a misdemeanor - the more you miss, da meaner you get.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                     Birth Control is avoiding the issue.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         Soul music should always be played in the key of "be natural."

                        -- Mose "Groove" Satin, contributed by David Pavlovitch

          THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Laocoon's Law of Improbable Generosity)

     Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but do check for Greek soldiers
     elsewhere in its anatomy.


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

           Behind every successful woman there is a man...or two.

                                                         -- A. Nonny Mouse

                                 CORRECTION

According to informed (and biased) sources, yesterday's thought should have 
read:

           Behind every successful man there is a successful woman.


                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              Loneliness is a good thing to share with someone.

                                                            -- "Coach", Cheers

*************************** ANNOUNCING TRIVIA CONTEST *************************

Do you know the words to the song "Louie, Louie"?  If you do, send them to me
by electronic mail.  The first person to supply the complete, correct lyrics
(all verses) wins a prize!
                                                                     -- Laddie

                          THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

        If at first you don't succeed - so much for skydiving.


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

            Next to the dog, the wastebasket is man's best friend.


                          THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   Everyone should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.


          THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Laddie's Law of Mathematical Science)

                      Variables won't; constants aren't.


             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion)

       There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

               We are the people our parents warned us against.


               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The law of probable dispersal)

              Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                    Curiosity kills more mice than cats.

                           WISE ADVICE FOR THE DAY

                            Never plunge the Blob.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

You are not a carpenter until you've run one finger through the saw; if you run
too many fingers through the saw, you're not a carpenter.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

        Pray as if it were up to God, but work as if it were up to you.


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   He who blows his horn the loudest, does so because he's usually in a fog.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  One good turn gets most of the blanket.

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  When we played softball, I'd steal second, then feel guilty and go back.

                                                           -- Woody Allen

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     Best sports event I remember was the two hookers at Polly Adler's.

                                                         -- Milton Berle

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

All the world's an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts.

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  The doggone computer is man's best friend.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  A pipe gives a wise man time to think
                and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

  You can definitely make mistakes, but you cannot make mistakes indefinitely.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

             When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

             Many people grow grapes - for raisins of their own.


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                    Most pigs end up making hogs of themselves.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

What some people lack in intelligence, they more than make up for in stupidity.


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The strong take from the week, 
                     the rich take from the poor, 
                                  and the government takes from everyone.

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     Mirrors are twice as good as windows - you only have to clean one side
     to see clearly.


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         What the large print giveth - the small print taketh away.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

It takes a whale 48 hours to gather a day's meal, leaving them almost no time
for water sports or reading Melville.
                                                    -- Max Shulman


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

               Some people fish in the sea of life with no bait.


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

          Love is a matter of chemistry; Sex is a matter of physics.

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Scientists say that the upper atmosphere is becoming poluted with leftover
space junk from satelite launches.  How about a future TV program -
"STAR DREK: The Trash Generation"?

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Anybody who says money can't buy happiness - doesn't know where to shop.

                                           -- Jackie Gleason

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Freedom doesn't mean reciting a loyalty oath on command.  They have that kind
of freedom in the U.S.S.R.  American freedom means the right NOT to recite 
a loyalty oath if - for reasons of religion, politics or simple perversity - 
you don't want to.
                                         -- Michael Kingsley in TIME, 09/12/88

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    If the automobile business had developed like the computer business, a
    Rolls-Royce would [today] cost $2.75 and go three million miles on a
    gallon of gasoline.

                                     -- Stuart Gannes in FORTUNE, 08/01/88

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

        To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,
        you're carrying it too far.


                        THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Cliff's Law)

                    Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

                                  ATTENTION!

         Due to the current drought, the Los Angeles Water Dept. says:

                      "Don't waste water - dilute it!"

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    Treat an adult like a two-year-old and you'll get two-year-old results.

                                                 -- contributed by Alan Zak

                    QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Olympic Dept., Part 1)

                  Greg Louganis turned air and water into gold.
 
                                             -- NBC commentator, 09/26/88

                 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Olympic Dept., Part 2)

                    To the victors go the specimen bottles.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you're right.

                                  -- Henry Ford, conrtibuted by Mark Frederick

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    When you tell everyone what you know then the only thing you leave them
    to focus on is WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.
                                               -- Contributed by Nancy Sain

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Q:  What's the difference between a fairy tale and a trucker's story?

A:  A fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." and a trucker's story begins
    "Now, this ain't no shit..."
                                                      -- New Yorker, 09/12/88

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                 Winning isn't everything, but losing sucks.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  Never, NEVER play leapfrog with a Unicorn.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

          A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    If polls are so accurate, why are there so many polling companies?

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    The only way to make something foolproof is to keep it away from fools.

                               QUOTE OF THE DAY

             I lit my fire.  I greased my skillet.  And I cooked.

                                                  -- Charlie (Yardbird) Parker

            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (King Solomon's Law for 500th wife)

                     It's going to be plenty soft for you.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     Dogs are no good, because the sons of bitches (and they are, you know)
     wet on flowers.
                                                             -- W.C. Fields

              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (HEAVY POLITICAL THOUGHT DEPT.)

  Potentially, a government is the most dangerous threat to man's rights: it
  holds a legal monopoly on the use of physical force against legally disarmed
  victims...It is not as protection against private actions, but against
  governmental actions that the Bill of Rights was written.
                                                                   -- Ayn Rand

            PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ADVICE (from those who should know)

Mort Saul:  Vote NO.

Jeff Sedario: Democracy is a privilege, but this year we should be paid
              to vote.

Pat Paulsen: I'm not right-wing or left-wing.  I am middle-of-the-bird.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

          The pot at the end of the rainbow is not Acapulco Gold.


                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      But you perceive, my boy, that it is not so, and that facts, as usual,
      are very stubborn things, overruling all theories.

                                           -- Prof. Von Hardwigg/Jules Verne

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.


                   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Rule for Survival #1)

   Beware of the doctor whose wife sells cemetery lots, whose brother owns a
   granite quarry, and whose father deals in spades.


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...
           and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

                                                         -- Victor Borge

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              The elections are over - let the indictments begin!

                                                  -- Mack & Jamie


                         QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Haiku Dept.)

                         Just like a fortune
                         I had gathered up my youth
                         Then I spent it.

            -- Paul Rubenfeld (as a child), AKA Paul Rubens, AKA Pee-Wee Herman

                               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

  Definition of Las Vegas: A town where you can do so well that you can arrive 
  in a $20,000 Cadillac and leave in a $50,000 bus.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Definition of a comedian: A guy with a good memory who hopes no one else has.

                                                               -- Red Skelton

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           It's a lot easier to hate a country than hate a person.

                                     -- Alex Keaton, "Family Ties"

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

          If a pickpocket meets a saint, he sees only his pockets.

                            DEFINITION OF THE DAY

                           LEOPARD:  A dotted lion.

                            DEFINITION OF THE DAY

                          ICEBERG: A permanent wave.
                                                               -- Mickey Mouse
                            DEFINITION OF THE DAY

                            ILLEGAL: A sick bird.

                            DEFINITION OF THE DAY

  CAREFUL DRIVER: One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light.

                                                             -- Ralph Marterie
   
                          QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong.
    I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.
                                                         -- P.J. O'Rourke

                              QUOTE OF THE DAY

In Heaven: The police are British, the cooks French, the lovers Italian --
           and it's all organized by the Germans.

In Hell:   The police are French, the cooks British, the lovers German --
           and it's all organized by the Italians.

                                          -- Wall Street Journal, 11/21/88

                              QUOTE OF THE DAY

               ...Chess.  You can learn it in an afternoon
               and spend the rest of your life mastering it.

                                               -- Adam Green

                            DEFINITION OF THE DAY

                    DACHSHUND: A Great Dane after taxes.

                  THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (SOUSA'S OBSERVATION)

         Some instruments in a drum-and bugle corps are purely cymbolic.

               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The "Beautiful Princess" Law)

      Before you meet any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               Personally, I used to believe in reincarnation,
               but that was in a previous lifetime.
                                              -- Paul Krassner

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                   We have met the enemy, and they is us.

                                   -- Walt Kelly ("Pogo")

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Don't take life so serious -- it ain't nohow permanent.

                                                     -- Walt Kelly

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

             How do you get a camel through the eye of a needle?
             First you run the beast through a meat grinder...

                                                    -- Art Young
                           DEFINITION OF THE DAY

             GEOLOGIST: A scientist who won't take Noah for an answer.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                               We do diddly do
                               What we must
                               Muddily must
                               Until we bust
                               Bodily bust

                               -- Kurt Vonegut, contributed by Sybil


        INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE COMMON COLD ('Tis the Season Dept.)

Studies involving volunteers exposed to the elements show that cold, wetness,
and drafts don't increase the chances of catching a cold.  And Arctic explorers 
never get colds...unless they receive visitors.   Colds occur more often in
wintertime, when people crowd together indoors and have more chances to infect 
one another...It's probably easier to catch a cold by shaking hands than by
kissing...Studies of kissing couples -- one with a cold, one without -- found
that osculation seldom led to inoculation.
                                                  -- Consumer Reports, Jan 1989

                               QUOTE OF THE DAY

                      It ain't braggin' if you done it.

                                          -- Dizzy Dean

                      THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (A Mother's Law)

                Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.

   ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ******

          THE REAGANS NARROWLY ESCAPE AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE DEVIL!!!!

[The Reagans] bought the 7,192-square-foot ranch-style house at 666 St. Cloud
Road in Bel-Air for $2.5 million.  In February, the address was officially
changed to 668 on city records because of the "mutual concern" of the Reagans
that the old number could be construed as a Biblical reference to Satan...

-- from "THE REAGANS: First Family Easing Into Private Life", LA Times, 11/19/88

                               QUOTE OF THE DAY

    If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave?

                                                 -- Frazier Crane, "Cheers"

   ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ******

                 WHEN IN SHANGHAI, DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE!

"China's leading industrial city of Shanghai has recently been recognized as
one of the cities without bedbugs by the National Bedbug Control Appraisal 
Group.  For many years, the city had kept bedbug density below the state 
standard."

 -- from a press release by the New China News Agency English Language Service

                              MOTTO FOR THE DAY

                 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

                              MOTTO FOR THE DAY

    The human mind is like a parachute - it functions best when it is open.

                       W.C. FIELD'S MAXIM FOR THE DAY

           It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

      Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking
      when you're interrupting.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

            No hospital staff physician is totally worthless;
            he can always be used as a horrible example.

                           DEFINITION OF THE DAY

             PARROT: A bird with the ability to imitate man,
             but not the intelligence to refrain from doing so.

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Political Dept.)

    [Berkeley, California] is a town in which half the people are seeking to
    overthrow the federal government while the other half are seeking the
    perfect croissant.
                                             -- R. Howard Bloch, WSJ 01/11/89

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former
  slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together
  at the table of brotherhood.
                                           -- Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

    PATRIOTISM: The conviction that this country is superior to all others
                because you were born in it.
                                                    -- George Bernard Shaw

                            DEFINITION OF THE DAY

                     JOURNALISM: Literature in a hurry.

                                       -- Mathew Arnold

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                              TWINS: Wombmates


                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   Folk music?   Man, I don't know any kind of music but folk music.  I ain't
   never heard a hoss sing a song.
                                                           -- Louis Armstrong

                      DEFINITION OF THE DAY (Jr. Division)

   LAW OF GRAVITY: One of the first laws passed by Congress.  It says no fair
                   flying without an airplane.

                            DEFINITION OF THE DAY

               LAWYER: One skilled in circumvention of the law.

                                              -- Ambrose Bierce
         
                           DEFINITION OF THE DAY

   POLES: People who say "Thank God for that big buffer state between us and
          Red China."
                                                             -- Victor Zorza

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                     It's better to be mooned than shot at.

                                              -- Jack Smith

                     QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Demagogue Dept.)

Every channel, every satellite, every radio, every television ought to belong
to God's people.  We should have possessed it many years ago.  But we let the
devil have it.  And, oh, he took it, yes he did.  He was glad to have it.
Satan has been using the airwaves with impunity for many years to curse and
damn the soul of men and women, boys and girls...and we let it happen.

                                 -- Paul Crouch, Trinity Broadcasting Network

                   DEFINITION OF THE DAY (Nautical Division)

         MERMAID: Not enough fish to fry and not enough woman to love.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   TV ads always show detergents getting out blood stains.  I say if you have
   a T-shirt full of blood stains, maybe laundry isn't your problem.

                                                            -- Jerry Seinfeld
                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan
   couldn't tell the difference.
                                                                -- Mort Sahl

                            PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE

Have you often wondered how to spot a drunk driver?  Well, wonder no longer!
The following fascinating revelation is quoted in entirety from a pamphlet
supplied by LA Cellular Telephone Company:

                         CLUES TO SPOT A DRUNK DRIVER

                         Driving without headlights on.
                         Weaving and crossing the road/wide turns.
                         Driving on the wrong side of the road.
                         Driving 10 MPH below the legal limit.
                         Nearly striking an object.
                         Acceleration changes.
                         Tires on center line.


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

                                                 -- Steven Wright

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

                                                                 -- Lily Tomlin
                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Husbands think we should know where everything is -- like the uterus is a
  tracking device.  He asks me, "Roseanne, do we have an Chee-tos left?"  Like
  he can't go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.
                                                              -- Roseanne Barr
                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Architecture is the triumph of human imagination over materials, methods,
    and men, to put man into possession of his own earth.
                                                        -- Frank Lloyd Wright

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  I read where Nancy Reagan got a humanitarian award.  Sure glad she beat out
  that conniving bitch Mother Teresa.
                                                                  -- Jay Leno

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY
 
               Ten million mothers freebase -- and I blow up!

                                             -- Richard Pryor
                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      I used to want to save the world; now I just want to leave the room
      with some dignity.
                                                       -- Lotus Weinstock

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic
          who doesn't own a car.
                                                        -- Carrie Snow
                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           I'm dating a girl now.  Evidently she's not aware of it.

                                                 -- Garry Shandling
                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   GOVERNMENT: A group of men organized to sell protection to the inhabitants
               of a limited area at monopolistic prices.
                                                          -- Maxwell Anderson
                              DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                    GOD: The hero of a book called the Bible.

                                             -- Nelson Glueck

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

             FILING CABINET: A place to lose things alphabetically.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic.

                                                        -- Arthur C. Clarke


                EPITAPH FOR THE DAY (Professional Waitress Dept.)

                She never kept a thirsty man waiting for his ale,
                and always brought him a wee bit more than a pint.

                                      -- Lillian Huxley, "Cheers"


                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

            FATHER: A man who, in praising his son, extols himself.


                QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Civilization Marches On Dept.)

Salman Rushdie obviously didn't anticipate that his rich, teeming hyper-modern
novel would find itself judged by the hidebound tenets of the medieval mind --
a mind that needn't read a book to condemn it.
                                                                -- John Powers

                       QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Grammy Award Dept.)

                              On my boyfriend's face.

                                    -- Lita Ford (when asked if she works out)

              QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Living-In-A-Slum Dept., Part One)

                    In my neighborhood, we say "Yo" to drugs.
                                                -- Jay London

              QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Living-In-A-Slum Dept., Part Two)

       I swear my roaches have military training.  I set off a roach bomb,
       they defused it.
                                                             -- Jay London

                              POEM FOR THE DAY

                              Shake and shake
                              The catsup bottle
                              None will come,
                              And then a lot'll.

                                 -- Richard Armour, who died last Tuesday at 82

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old.

                                                      -- George Burns

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the Gods.

                                                         -- Emo Phillips

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                                [Tortelli men:]
                             Draw women like flies,
                            Treat women like flies,
                      And their brains are in their flies.

                               -- Carla Tortelli, "Cheers"


                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

          STRIPTEASER: A girl who looks well in anything she takes off.

                                                      -- Gypsy Rose Lee
                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

ACTOR: A person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled
       with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and
       say "What a lovely view there is from this window!"
                                                                     -- Variety

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

             Climate is what you expect.  Weather is what you get.

                        THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Cole's Law)

                             Thinly sliced cabbage.


                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

The publisher of the London Star (a sort of National Enquirer for scone-eaters)
has taken a survey indicating that the three most attention-getting words for
the British audience are (in order) "sex", "win", and "free".  The chap said
that if he could run a contest with a banner reading "Win Free Sex!" he'd be
the only newspaper left in London. 
       -- (continued tomorrow) Jeff Duntemann in Dr. Dobb's Journal, April 1989

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

I'd have to say that the [three most attention-getting] words to American eyes
are "murder", "UFOs" and "Elvis".  (Which makes one long to run a story with
the headline, "UFOs Murder Elvis!")...
                           -- Jeff Duntemann in Dr. Dobb's Journal, April 1989


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

  Infants speak many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   The great thing about television is if something REALLY important happens,
   night or day, ANYWHERE in the world, you can always change the channel.

                                                    -- Jim Ignatowsky, "Taxi"

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

In the sixth [inning]...Dodger right fielder Mike Marshall discovered that the
ball carries much better in Anaheim if it doesn't touch the ground until after
clearing the fence.
                                                    -- John Weyler, L.A. Times

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

     DEMOCRACY: The worst form of government except for all the other systems
                which have never been tried.
                                                         -- Winston Churchill

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         To live forever, acquire a chronic illness and take care of it.


                            OBSERVATION OF THE DAY

              When a body is immersed in water -- the telephone rings.
                                                 -- Archimedes G. Bell

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Inspect every piece of pseudoscience [such as Astrology or ESP] and you will
  find a security blanket, a thumb to suck, a skirt to hold.  What have we
  [science] to offer in exchange?  Uncertainty!  Insecurity!
                                                               -- Isaac Asimov

                       THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Ross's Law)

   Bare feet magnetize sharp objects so that they always point upward from the
   floor -- especially in the dark.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  A home is ruled by the sickest person in it.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Betty Ford built a hospital, hired doctors and spent millions of dollars trying
to end the drug problem.  Nancy Reagan comes along and says, "Just say no."
If "Just say no" works, wouldn't Betty Ford feel like an idiot?  And isn't this
the way the Reagans solved every social problem?  What's that, you're homeless?
Just say "Camping".  Abused child?  Just say "Ouch!"
                                   -- Tom Shiekman, founder of "Comedy IQ" Club

                            OBSERVATION OF THE DAY

 One of the nice parts about heading toward middle age is that you can find all
 your favorite music in the bargain bin.
                                          -- Ken Floyd, quoted by Burton Hillis

                            LIMERICK FOR THE DAY

                    The owl from his perch in the trees,
                    Doesn't bother to prey on his knees;
                    Preferring instead
                    To rotate his head
                    Three hundred and sixty degrees.

                              -- Nancy White, as quoted by Jack Smith

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         Ethel Merman can hold a note longer than Chase Manhattan Bank.

                                                     -- George Gershwin

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             Pubic hair is nature's way of teaching us to floss.

                                          -- The Playboy Advisor

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    If you steal from one person it's plagiarism.  If you steal from several
    people it's research.
                                                           -- Linda Ellerbee

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             Women - you can't live with 'em, and you can't shoot 'em.

                                                      -- Steven Wright

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             Men - you can't live with 'em, and you can't shoot 'em.

                                                     -- Mae West (?)

                    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Pavlov's Principle)

             When the bell rings, there had better be some supper.

                            LUNCH NOTE (Crude Humor)

   Due to the Valdez oil spill, when we are served fish for lunch, please tell
   Walter if you want Regular, Ethel or Unleaded.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   Home is a place where, if you have no place to go, they gotta take you in.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                   It is truly said that the good die young.
                   That's the reason for all of my fears!
                   So let us be evil and wicked and bad,
                   and stay here for thousands of years."

                  -- Nipsey Russell, Match Game '69, contributed by Scott Smith


                            LUCILLE BALL (1912-1989)

           She's not gone - she's just playing to a larger audience.

                                                      -- Karen Pope

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Screw U. Dept.)

     I think the movies look better in color, pal, and they're my movies.

                 -- Ted Turner, when asked why he has old films colorized


                 RIDDLE FOR THE DAY (Crude Humor Dept., Part 2)

                 Q: What's an Exxon Cocktail?
                 A: 10 million gallons on the rocks.

                               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                   There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               Today's quote has been recalled for service.

 CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!!

Chemists Stanley Pons of the University of Utah and Martin Fleischmann of the
University of Southampton in England recently announced the results of one of
their experiments.  They claim to have produced nuclear fusion in the 
laboratory at temperatures far below what most scientists believe is possible, 
using simple and cheap apparatus.

At a news conference recently, one questioner asked Pons: "Are you Prometheus,
Pandora, or Piltdown Man?"  (His reply was "No comment.")

There is a prize waiting (worth at least $3.95!!) for the first person to best
interpret or explain the interviewer's query; that is, what is the symbolism
of the three P's?  All entries must be sent to me by electronic mail and I 
will be the sole judge of all entries.  All entrants must be current 
employees of this company, full or part time.

How you obtain the answer is up to you, but torturing me is out (Sorry!).
                                                                      -- Laddie

                   QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Quayle Droppings Dept.)

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that
I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

                                         -- Dan Quayle (with tongue in cheek?)

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

           Education is what you get from reading the small print.
           Experience is what you get from not reading it.

                             HOMILY FOR THE DAY

        He who gets too big for his britches gets exposed in the end.

                               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

           To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
  next morning you will have a flat tire.

                           THIS IS SNIGLET WEEK!

  What is a sniglet?  It is a word that inadvertently got left out of the
  dictionary (after all, Mr. Webster has only so many hands).  For example,
  the special mixture of popcorn butter and Coke syrup that covers the floors
  of movie theaters as called CINEMUCK.

  If you have some sniglets to contribute, send them to me by electronic mail.
  Credit to the above goes to Rich Hall.

                                SNIGLET FOR THE DAY

  A car which when left unattended in a parking lot attracts shopping carts is
  called MAGNACARTIC.
                                                                  -- Rich Hall

                                SNIGLET FOR THE DAY

  The largest French Fry in a bag is called the POTENTATER.  Likewise, the
  smallest one is the MINUTATER.
                                                              -- Rich Hall

                                SNIGLET FOR THE DAY

 Someone who cuts through a corner gas station to avoid a red light is called
 an ESSOASSO.
                                                                 -- Rich Hall
                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                   Read Books - they may be burned tomorrow.

                      -- Seen in a North Hollywood bookstore


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Money doesn't buy you happiness, but it does get you a better class of enemies.

                                                              -- Bob Lake's Dad

                              RIDDLE FOR THE DAY

      Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
      A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Jacuzzis.


                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 ...we saw the Dino De Laurentiis version of "The Bible."  Later we discussed
 the implication of Abraham being prepared to slay his son because God told him
 to do it.  I dismissed that as blind obedience.  Abbie [Hoffman] praised it
 as revolutionary trust.
                                                              -- Paul Krassner

                               DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

             COMPOSE: To remember a tune nobody else has thought of.

                                                  -- Robert Schumann

                     QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Who's On First Dept.)

The following conversation ensued when Pittsburgh Mayor Sophie Masloff, 71, 
asked the town council about an upcoming summer concert by "The How":

Stadium Chairman Whitmer:"Not the How, The Who"
Masloff:                 "The who?"
Whitmer:                 "Yes."
Masloff:                 "Is there a Who group and a How group?"
Senator Scanlon:         "What the hell is The How?"
Stadium Staff G. Baron:  "There isn't a group called The How as far as I know."

                                                                  -- L.A. Times

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                 Halitosis is better than no breath at all.


                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

            You win some, you lose some, and some get rained out,
            but you gotta suit up for them all.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              Sooner or later, everything good gets packaged.
  
                                          -- Calvin Trillin


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy --
 but that could change.
                                                               -- VP Dan Quayle

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 The difference between Speaker Wright and Elvis Presley is that everyone knows
 Wright is dead.
                                                         -- anon., Capitol Hill

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             When I was a kid, I had a dream - to be an astronaut
             and land on the planet Jayne Mansfield.
                                                      -- Al Bundy

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 I still like radio better than TV...I told the NAB (National Association of
 Broadcasters) convention that it was all a question of timing.  If TV had
 come first, people would talk about the great invention radio that does away
 with all those unsightly pictures.
                                                            -- Phyllis Diller

                               HOMILY FOR THE DAY

 Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a good carpenter to build one.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 The main trouble with democracy is that the people eventually realize they can
 vote themselves the treasury; then you have anarchy.
                                                               -- H. L. Mencken

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

              The less you say, the less you have to take back.

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                            DRAMEDY: Two-hump comedy.

                                                     -- Robin Williams

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                            NINTENDO: Kiddie Cocaine

                                                     -- Robin Williams

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  I'm expecting a second child soon.  Actually, my wife is, but they say the
  father shares in the birthing experience along with the mother.  That must
  be true only if you're used to passing a bowling ball.

                                                     -- Robin Williams

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       My parents did a pretty good job of bringing us up.  They raised us
       by the book.  Unfortunately the book was "The Shining."
                                                             -- John Ashby

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     I do believe in ghosts - but most of them are waiters in restaurants.
     They take your order and vanish.
                                        -- Bill Murray ("Mr. Ghostbuster")

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, he would have
         made us narrower.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                       To go to bed late and get up early,
                       Makes a man cross, mean and surly.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Poverty is not "caused" or created: it is the default condition of the human
  race, the absence of advanced economic development...It is wealth that must
  be "caused."  In a capitalist, free society, wealth is the consequence of a
  lifetime of commitments honored.
                                                            -- Robert Sheaffer

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 If you take a bale of hay and tie it to the tail of a mule and then strike
 a match and set the bale of hay on fire, and if you then compare the energy
 expended shortly thereafter by the mule with the energy expended by yourself
 in the striking of the match, you will understand the concept of amplification.
                               -- William Shockley (Inventor of the transistor)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   One man's nudity is another man's erotica is another man's soft-core
   pornography is another man's hard-core obscenity is another man's boredom.

                                                       -- Father Bruce Ritter

                 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Painter's Rule of the Road)

      Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights will make a left.

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                    Old boomerangs are hard to throw away.

               QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Mark Twain's Law of Fisticuffs)

 Place your nose firmly between your opponent's teeth and throw him heavily to
 the ground on top of you.

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral, and inadequate.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     Time is nature's way of preventing everything from happening at once.

                                                            -- Woody Allen

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem.  They know how it's done, they've seen it
 done, but they're unable to do it.
                                      -- Ed Asner (obviously no fan of critics)

                         (Twisted) PROVERB FOR THE DAY

   Money is like an eel in the hand; slippery and wiggly, but ever so tasty.

                                                            -- Matt Groening

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                        I think it would be a good idea.

          -- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western Civilization


               QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Opposing Viewpoints Dept.)

         Legal abortion is the biggest health advance of our times.
                                          -- Robin Schneider, CARAL

         Abortion stops a beating heart.
                                             -- Seen on a billboard

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

  Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only for food: frequently
  there must be a beverage.

                                                            -- Woody Allen

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am!
    Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained.

                                                              -- Woody Allen
                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Leon called me in [in 1937] and asked me if I could do a pig -- a fine thing 
  to ask a Jewish kid.  The guy they were using actually had a stutter and
  used up yards of film.  But I could st-st-stutter and ad lib in rhythm.

  -- Mel Blanc (1907-1989), the voice of Porky Pig, Bugs Bunny, Barney Rubble,
     Daffy Duck and many other cartoon characters


                  THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want to Know Dept.)

                What if the opposite sex are all really Martians?


                       THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Paradox Dept.)

       How do you really know for sure when a question has been answered?

                THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want to Know Dept.)

             What if everone in the world is a robot except me?

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  I heard Elvis singing "Blue Moon of Kentucky, keep on shining," and I said,
  "Wow, looka right here.  I don't know who this dude is, but somebody done
  opened the door."                                       -- Jerry Lee Lewis

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  I know a pill that makes you feel good, but it has a terrible side effect --
  it wears off.
                                                             -- Jim Ignatowski

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                    Why is abbreviated such a long word?
                                        -- Michael Davis

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

              If most auto accidents happen within 5 miles of home,
              why not move 10 miles away?
                                                   -- Michael Davis

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

  If a cat lands on its feet, and bread lands butter-side down, what happens
  if you butter the top side of a cat?
                                                            -- Michael Davis


                THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want To Know Dept.)

           Did people in the old days realize how corny they were?

                                                  -- Matt Groening

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

          No matter where or what, there are makers, takers, and fakers.


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                        Hindsight is always 20/20.

                    QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Childrearing Dept.)

  You've got to teach your kids when they're young.  Show them how to mix that
  drink and work that blender.  How to keep things real cool on ice.  Keep that
  fridge stocked.  How to use a credit card.
                                                                  -- John Candy

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Japanese [tape] decks use 160 nanowebers per meter, while Europeans use 250
  nanowebers...What's a nanoweber?  Beats the shit out of us -- sounds like
  something you get by tossing Robin Williams onto a charcoal grill...

                                                       -- The Playboy Advisor

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    Just remember that you are absolutely unique - just like everyone else.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                Most convicted criminals appeal to judges.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                 It's better to copulate - than never.


               NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY (Non-Discrimination Dept.)

    The London Fire Brigade, responding to the government's asking why only
    thirty-three women were among its 6800 firefighters, dropped its unisex
    requirement that all firefighters have at least a thirty-six-inch chest
    (expandable to thirty-eight).
                                                 -- Quoted in the LA Reader

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   After subtracting the studio's presumed $127 million in total costs, Time
   Warner appears to keep about $263.6 million [from Batman].  Even allowing
   for taxes and all the other expenses that we may have missed along the way,
   that's a lot of bat bucks.
                                                  -- Michael Cielply, LA Times


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                     The masses are the opium of religion.


               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Mother Nature's Truisms Dept.)

                            Turtles never hurdle.


                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

      Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk,
      and cut with an ax.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                 A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
                                           -- Bumpersticker

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

        LIGHTYEAR: The same as a regular year, only fewer calories.

                                         -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                   I think the 60's were better in the 60's.

                 -- Eric Moser, at a Woodstock revival concert

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              Remember - no matter where you go, there you are.

                                           -- Prof. Irwin Corey

                 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The First Law of Experts)

             You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.


                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

              The alternative to getting old is depressing.


                              ADVICE FOR THE DAY

        Always remember to take the shrink wrap off your record albums,
        cause thin kids can get inside and suffocate.
                                                     -- Garry Shandling

                 ADVICE FOR THE DAY (The Secret-Of Success Law)

              Discover all unpredictable errors before they occur.

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Taped to a wall in the Voyager imaging team's offices was the Neptune Pledge:
"We, the undersigned, hereby apologize for any sharp words, testiness or
downright rudeness which might occur during the heat of the Neptune encounter."
But only half of the team members bothered to sign.

                                          -- from a Wall Street Journal article


                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        You have deliberately tasted two worms and you can leave Oxford
        by the next town drain.

                  -- Prof. Archibald Spooner, when dismissing a student


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often.  But if
 a man bites a dog, that is news.
                                                                -- John Bogart

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               We have the best congressmen that money can buy.

                                              -- Jo Ann Dearing


                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 A friend is someone who sympathizes with our troubles when they're not so bad,
 and laughs at our jokes when they're not so good.

                            -- Mark Twain (at least according to Louis DePalma)

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          Those who fail History are destined to repeat the course.

                                                     -- "Gas-s-s-s"

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

      A "government subsidy" is getting just some of your own money back.


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    [A movie is] 2 hours out of your life that you don't get back in the end.

                                                               -- Gene Siskel

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Going to see [the Universal attraction] "Earthquake" [in Southern California]
 is like going to see a war movie in Beirut.
                                                              -- Fritz Coleman

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  I'm liberal on some issues and conservative on others.  For example, I would
  not burn a flag, but neither would I put one out.
                                                            -- Garry Shandling

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 After traditional enemies (the French and the English) and warlike people (the
 Scandinavians) adopted democracy, their governments started exchanging
 diplomatic notes rather than gunfire; and the United States has never fought a
 war against another democracy.  Two hundred years is a short run, yet it is
 conceivable that modern democracy may be a grander development than we have
 suspected -- one that is capable of changing human behavior, or even human
 nature.
                                                              -- The New Yorker

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       If necessity is the mother of invention, go explain the Pet Rock.

                                                          -- Joan Rivers

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         If necessity is the mother of invention, who's the father?

                                                    -- Henry Tucker

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             It's not the most intellectual job in the world,
             but I do have to know the letters.
                                               -- Vanna White

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I'm a salami writer.  I try to write good salami, but salami is salami.

                                                            -- Stephen King

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   I'm talented and flexible.  I could play Hamlet, even though I look like
   King Kong.
                                                                  -- Mr. T.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  If I had it to do over, maybe I'd try something else.  Something easier.  It
  might not be as much fun.  But it might be interesting.  Take it again, from
  the top?
                                                  -- Irving Berlin (1888-1989)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish
      to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
                                                            -- Ann Landers

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      We're all given some sort of skill in life.  Mine just happens to be
      beating up on people.
                                                      -- Sugar Ray Leonard

                    QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Dept. of Flag Disposal)

 My favorite recent [Supreme Court] decision was the discovery of one's legal
 right to bar-b-que the Red, White and Blue.  The decision had the primary
 ingredients of greatness: a huge principle (that's why they call it the FIRST
 amendment), a seemingly tough call, and a Public Reaction Coefficient in the
 billions...Offending people is what free speech inevitably does; elsewise the
 right to free speech would be a superfluous use of constitutional ink...George
 [Bush] should be given a Freedoms Foundation medal for missing the point --
 the Bill of Rights was crafted specifically to keep the politicians from
 pandering to mass sentiment by cutting corners on individual rights...
                                                    -- Thomas Hazlett in Reason

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     The Three Musketeers?  No, I haven't read the book, or seen the movie,
     but I've had the candy bar.
                                                         -- Garry Shandling

              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Long-Long Range Planning Dept.)

Yellowstone [National Park]...sits on one of the hottest spots on earth, 
with intense volcanic activity stewing below, and with more geysers, hot
springs, mud pots, and steam vents than exist in all the rest of the world.
An ill-defined caldera, or giant crater, that pocks the heart of the park
has been following a cycle of heating and bulging and exploding every six 
hundred thousand years.  It has been estimated that the most recent eruption
-- about six hundred thousand years ago -- released more than a thousand 
times the explosive power of the Mount Saint Helens blast, covered much 
of the United States in ash, and blotted out the sun for a year.  The caldera 
is puckering again, and scientists suspect that it is is due to erupt soon -- 
perhaps within the next few hundred thousand years.
                                                -- Thomas Hackett, New Yorker


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                    The pen is mightier than the pencil.


                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   The Monty Python comedy group had planned to celebrate their 20-year
   anniversary this week, but Graham Chapman (no relation) died of cancer and
   the party was cancelled.  According to Terry Gilliam, "This is the worst
   case of party-pooping I've EVER seen."

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        One night I got so lonely I drew a face on my vacuum cleaner.

                                            Donald Maltby, "Brothers"

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   I couldn't make it as an actor - I remember doing Hamlet, going "To be...
   ... .... ... (line?)"
                                                           -- Robin Williams

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  [My Dad and I] had an argument, then later that night he died.  And I always
  felt guilty because I never could say "I'm sorry", then one day I realized
  that he couldn't either.
                                                              -- Billy Crystal

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

            Say something entirely new and say something different,
            and the world will pay good money to hear it.
                                                      -- Rob Reiner

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Each day in Rangoon [Burma], crowds gathered downtown...under banners calling
  for "DEMOCRACY."  But on September 19th [1988], in a action that now seems
  almost a blueprint for what happened in China nine months later, soldiers
  took to the streets and the roofs and gunned down anyone in sight.  The
  government decreed that from that day on outdoor political gatherings
  of more than four people would be fired upon.  It kept its word...  Early
  this year, it seems, the government decided to build footbridges spanning
  some of the major downtown streets...  The explanation for the overpasses
  seems to be that the Army found it inconvenient to fire on demonstrators
  from roofs.  Lining up on a footbridge would be much more efficient.

                     --Stan Sesser, "A Rich Country Gone Wrong", The New Yorker

                         NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY

If you received a wrong-number phone call asking if you were the Panamanian
Consolate, what would you do?  What would you do if you were an actor?  
Kurt Rappaport is, and got such a call from KTTV, channel 11 last Tuesday.
Rappaport answered that it was indeed the consulate, and received an invitation
to appear on TV as a Panamanian spokesman.  He put on a suit and tie, dug out
an old pair of glasses, and picked up a false mustache at the Hollywood Costume
& Magic Shop on the way to the station.  He was broadcast, phony accent, 
ersatz mustache and all, on the nightly news as "Arturo Valdez", chairman of 
the USA-Panamanian Friendship Council, with a diatribe aimed at Manuel Noriega.

Rappaport said he has not heard from KTTV since news of the hoax broke Friday
night.  "I don't know why," he deadpanned.  "They've got my number."
                                                                    -- LA Times

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        In thirty years I don't know where I'll be, but I hope I'm happy
        and I hope I don't have gas.
                                                        -- Billy Crystal

                               NEWS FLASH!

   Effective immediately, the official song of San Francisco is changed from
   Tony Bennett's "I left My Heart..." to Elvis Presley's "I'm All Shook Up."


                       NEWS FLASH! (Dept. of Good Taste)

 Universal Studios announced yesterday that their amusement ride, "Earthquake"
 will be closed in recognition of recent events.  Apparently Good Taste is only
 48 hours long, because the ride will reopen tomorrow.

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

  CONURBATION - An extremely large, densely populated urban area, usually
  a complex of suburbs and smaller towns together with one large city at
  their center.
                                                             -- Webster's

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                         This was NOT the big one.

                                   -- many experts

                       QUOTES OF THE DAY (Sky-High Dept.)

Superman don't need no seat belt.

                        -- Muhammad Ali, when asked to buckle up in an airliner

Superman don't need no airplane, either.

                                                            -- Flight attendant

              NEWS FLASH OF THE DAY (Monkey Si, Monkey Doo Dept.)

  Harvard anthropologists have been following sick chimpanzees around in the
  jungle observing what they eat in an effort to heal themselves.  Biochemist
  Eloy Rodriguez believes that this could lead to new medications effective
  against bacteria and viruses.  The name for the vegetation collected?
  "Plants of the Apes," of course.
                                                                -- L.A. Times

             NEWS FLASH OF THE DAY (Your Govt. Hard At Work Dept.)

When the Feds set up a sting operation in 1986 to see if it was really possible
to corrupt the democratic system, they were astonished...Establishing a phony
[California] private firm, the G-men requested legislation entitling the 
company to government subsidies.  In a tribute to reponsive government, the 
bill was drawn in a flash and zipped through both houses without opposition.  
The FBI agents, worried that they had tampered with the process, then notified 
the Governor, who vetoed the measure.  But they had to tell him.
                                                                      -- Reason

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              I was walking in Beverly Hills, and out of nowhere,
              Zsa Zsa jumped out of the bushes and kicked my ass.
                                                  -- Howie Mandel

                                RUMOR CENTRAL

 There is NO truth to the rumor that we is converting to Drive-Thru Service.


              QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Far-sighted Journalism Dept.)

 In 1919, Robert Goddard, who was later to be called "the father of modern
 rocket science" wrote a paper describing a multi-stage rocket that could take
 a payload to the moon.  The New York Times chuckled that Goddard lacked even
 "the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."  Forty-nine years later,
 with Apollo II circling the moon, the Times ran a correction.  "It has now
 been definitely established that a rocket can function in a vacuum.  The 
 Times regrets the error."
                                                                -- Smithsonian

                                MEDIA UPDATE

According to LA Times TV critic Howard Rosenberg, this fall season has been
mostly a flop.  To replace the soon-to-be cancelled shows, he suggests these:

"Wise Goy."  Drama/Intrigue.  An undercover Gentile infiltrates the Jewish
Defense League.

"Me."  Interview.  Each week Barbara Walters is interviewed by a different
celebrity.

"Dif'rent Notes: The Adventures of Bing Cosby."  Comedy.  A white family
adopts a pipe-smoking, tiny black crooner who constantly irritates them by
singing Christmas Carols.


                    QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Doublespeak Dept.)

 Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.

                                    -- Senator Orin Hatch, quoted by Jack Smith

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          Did you hear the Burbank Zoo had to close?  Their duck died.

                                                      -- Johnny Carson

                THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Happy Hunter's Prayer)

            Let me meet a girl who already has had enough to drink.

                              RUMOR FOR THE DAY

                          Betty Crocker uses a mix.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

              God must love stupid people, He made so many of them.

                        NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY

In South Carolina, state Rep. Mike Fair heard that promoters were trying to
book the Rolling Stones in the University of South Carolina Stadium.  Outraged
that such a lewd group might perform on university grounds, Fair drafted a bill
to stop them.  In part, the bill bans any act in which "male or female gentiles
are displayed."  Presumably Jews, and gentiles of indeterminate sex, are
allowed.
                                                                      -- Reason

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

        Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.


                         THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         You don't have to be a cannibal to get fed up with people.

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  People ask stupid questions for a reason.


                     QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Sachel Paige's Law)

              Don't look back.  Something might be gaining on you.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    One man's meat is another man's poison, or, kitty heaven is mousie hell.

                             RIDDLE FOR THE DAY

      Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
      A: None - they don't do hardware.
                                                            -- Pamela Kane

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                The sun never sets on those who ride into it.

                                         -- "Shock Treatment"

                                ACHTUNG!

    Will the last person to leave East Germany please turn off the strudel?

                                                             -- Roger Simon

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 You know you're in love when you're willing to share your cash machine number.

                                                              -- Elayne Boosler

                  NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Cold War History Dept.)

[During John F. Kennedy's visit to Germany] One old hand at the consulate spent
a day vainly trying to de-Bostonize the President's pronunciation of "Ich bin
ein Berliner" without catching the syntactical slip that made him actually
say, "I am a jelly doughnut."
                                                                  -- Tom Carson

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     The reason why television is called a medium is because nothing on it
     is well done.
                                                             -- Fred Allen

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

           The money is always there.  Only the pockets change.

                                              -- Gertrude Stein

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

BARBARA WALTERS:  You've been married forty-two years.  What makes your 
                  marriage work?
 ROBERT MITCHUM:  Lack of imagination, I suppose.

                             -- "A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love," ed: Jon Winokur

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Rank of drugs, among the "gravest domestic threats facing our nation,"
   according to President Bush: 1

   New antidrug funds proposed by the Bush administration, expressed as a
   percentage of the federal budget: .065
                                                        -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

  Percentage of network news coverage of President Bush when he is out of the
  country that is negative: 19

  Percentage of coverage when he is in the country that is negative: 43

  Estimated percentage increase on sales of horseshoes since George Bush
  took office: 20
                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Number of fax machines in the Gaza Strip, Israel: 15

    Number of fax machines in the Gaza strip whose use the Israeli government
    has suspended: 15

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

  Chances that a first-time cigarette smoker will become addicted: 9 in 10

  Chances that a first-time user of cocaine will become addicted: 1 in 6

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

 Age after which Mick Jagger has said that he'd "rather die" than still be
 performing "Satisfaction": 45

 Estimated amount Mick Jagger, 46, earned each time he performed "Satisfaction"
 on tour this fall: $10,000

                                                              -- Harper's Index

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.

                                              -- Bumper Sticker

                             QUOTE OF THE DAY
                         
                          "LIVE LONG AND PROSPER"
                                 
                                               -- SPOCK

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          Stupidity got us into this mess; why can't it get us out?

                      -Will Rogers, contributed by David Pavlovitch

             PROFOUND THOUGHT FOR THE DAY ('Tis the Season Dept.)

                           Jingle bells,
                           Jingle bells,
                           Jingle all the way...(etc.)

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Number of filing cabinets full of jokes in Bob Hope's fireproof vaults: 33

           Number of these that contain jokes he has not yet used: 17


                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

Percentage of Americans who said last year that they didn't know enough about
Dan Quayle to form an opinion: 25

Percentage who said this in September 1989: 45

Percentage of Americans who know what a Whopper is: 90

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Ratio of the total weight of the earth's population to that of its termite
   population: 1 to 10

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

Number of pets blessed at the Feast of St. Francis at New York's Cathedral of
St. John the Divine this fall: 1000

Number of bowls of algae blessed: 1

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Amount by which cash deposits exceeded cash withdrawals at banks in Miami
   in 1988: $4,488,124,000.00

                          SIGNS OF THE SEASON

                 1. Chestnuts roasting over an open fire
                 2. Speilberg nipping at your wallet

                                              -- Maratta

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Sometimes shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and hoo ya gonna call?

                                                -- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters 2

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
                When the tough get going, the weak get screwed.

                           SIGNS OF THE SEASON

                 1. Chestnuts roasting over an open fire
                 2. Speilberg nipping at your wallet
                 3. Larry Drago checking the dictionary weekly

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             If you don't do anything, you get out of practice.

                                                 -- Alvena Lind

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Nothing is [so] responsible for the good old days as a bad memory.

                                  -- attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  If there's a tassel on the menu, you can add a couple of dollars per person.

                                                                -- Andy Rooney

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                         It is very hard to predict,
                         especially about the future.

                                        -- Niels Bohr

                               LAST CHANCE!

  Do you have a New Year's resolution you want to share with us?  Send it by
  electronic mail to the user NEW_YEAR by 5PM today.  It can be serious or
  funious, we'll fearlessly publish it in the next Bulletin.

                                                           -- the Data Dudes

                            POEM FOR THE DAY

                 I kind of like the playful porpoise,
                 A healthy mind in a healthy corpus.
                 He and his cousin, the playful dolphin,
                 Why they like swimmin like I like golphin.

                                              -- Ogden Nash

                             POEM FOR THE DAY

                    Any hound a porcupine nudges
                    Can't be blamed for harboring grudges.
                    I know one hound that laughed all winter
                    At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

                                               -- Ogden Nash


                        OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY

                       The cow is of bovine ilk;
                       One end is moo, the other, milk.


                        OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY

                    The lord in his wisdom made the fly
                    And then forgot to tell us why.

                        OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY

                       The pig, if I am not mistaken,
                       Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.
                       Let others say his heart is big --
                       I call it stupid of the pig.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Books won't stay banned.  They won't burn.  Ideas won't go to jail.  In the
long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost.  The only
sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas.
                                                        -- A. Whitney Griswold

                          THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hill wrote a book that established  "The Peter
Principle", which states: "In a hierarchy, individuals tend to rise to their 
level of incompetence."  The book was rejected by 13 publishers until Peter 
wrote an article for the L.A. Times applying the principle to Ronald Reagan, 
Pat Brown and Sam Yorty.  When it was finally published, it sold 8 million 
copies, earning its author enough to retire.

Laurence Peter reached his own level of incompetence when he died last Friday.

                           QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           It is very hard to predict, especially about the future.

                                                      -- Neils Bohr

                         NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY

Baltimore police arrested Thomas Waddell, twenty-five, in October for stealing
thirty live homing pigeons, valued at several hundred dollars, from a neighbor.
An officer had found him walking oddly down the street because twenty-one of
the pigeons were stuffed in his clothes.   The officer said, " He looked like a
Michelin tire ad."
                                                                      -- Reader

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       If Jesus were a football player, he'd play fair, he'd play clean,
       and he'd put the guy across the line on his butt.

          -- Barry Rice, football player for Jerry Falwell's Liberty University

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   When an elephant flies, it shouldn't be criticized for doing it badly.

                                                          -- Joe Campbell

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

Estimated amount it will cost the Nicaraguan government to hold the elections
scheduled for this month, per voter: $14

Average monthly income of a Nicaraguan : $25
                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Estimated total amount convicted drug traffickers in the United States owe
   in criminal fines: $108,000,000

   Total amount New York City drivers owe in parking fines: $461,000,000

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

Number of times Tammy Faye Bakker mentions crying in her two books "I Gotta Be
Me" and "Run to the Roar": 60
                                                             -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Percentage change, since 1974, in the amount of commercial air traffic
    in the United States: +100

    Percentage change, since 1974, in the number of commercial airports
    in the United States: 0
                                                         -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Number of Harlequin romances Americans bought last year, per hour: 7,191

                                                           -- Harper's Index

                    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Murphy's Twelfth Law)

    You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

                           NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY

 The clean-air fink squad is looking for a few good tattlers.  You can join by
 simply calling 1-800-CUT SMOG the next time that you see a car belching thick,
 black smoke from its tailpipe.
                                                                   -- LA Times

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    If you can smile when everything goes wrong - you must be a repairman.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn
       in no other way.
                                                           -- Mark Twain

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  There are no new jokes, but a joke is new if you have never heard it before.

                                                                  -- Bob Hope
                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Minds, like attics, need to be cleaned out once in a while.

                                                      -- Malcolm Forbes

                     QUOTE FOR THE DAY (You Tell 'Em Dept.)

            Minds, like attics, need to be cleaned out once in a while.
                                                      -- Malcolm Forbes
            So take some acid.
                                                      -- Nancy Sain

                           QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.

                                             -- Barbara Walters

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   Television tends to present news as a succession of melodramas, the usual
   scenario being for Brokaw, Jennings and Rather to show up simultaneously
   for such epics as the symbolic crumbling of the Berlin Wall -- rather like
   Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Martin Short in "Three Amigos."

                                                -- Howard Rosenberg, LA Times

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

              Money no longer talks - it just goes without saying.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                                 Have a .

                           MURPHY STRIKES AGAIN

    The sign-on message yesterday was missing a crucial part - a heart.
    Apparently DOS and Novell do not agree on how to display a heart, even on
    Valentine's day.  It should have read: "Have a ."

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    With judicious use of answering machines, a love affair can be conducted
    without the bother of ever talking to the loved one.
                                                           -- P. J. O'Rourke

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 It's easy to save $500 million; you just save $1 million a year for 500 years.

                                                                    -- Bob Hope
                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

       Time is the best teacher.  Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.

                                                   -- The Old Philosopher

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Average number of persons per registered car in the United States: 2
     Average number of persons per registered car in Japan:             4
     Average number of persons per registered car in China:          1374

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Estimated amount of oil spilled off the coast of Morocco in December,
     expressed as a percentage of the Valdez spill : 186
                                                         -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Ratio of U.S. soldiers killed to those wounded in the U.S. invasion
     of Panama, 1:14.

   Ratio of Panamanian soldiers killed to those wounded in the invasion, 2:1.

  Percentage of the Panamanians killed in the invasion who were civilians, 39.

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Number of times the phrase "do the right thing" has been used in Congress
    since Spike Lee's film was released last June : 67

       Number of times the phrase was used in reference to a congressional
       pay raise: 16

         Number of times it was used in reference to racial issues : 1

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Average percentage increase in the protrusion of a woman's buttocks
      when she wears high heels: 25
                                                        -- Harper's Index

      HOROSCOPE FOR THE WEEK (GENERAL FORECAST for Feb 23 - Mar 1, 1990)

...Jupiter, retrograde since Halloween, turns direct on Saturday (11:14 AM),
[so] the jokes will be funnier and the judgments fair, and that once the checks
finally arrive, they won't bounce.  But first we must endure another incredibly
perceptive, frequently depressive Mercury-Pluto square that only a Scorpio...
could love...the Pisces new moon, Saturday night/Sunday morning at 1:00, is
more reactive than active...Even the sun sextile to Uranus on Fat Tuesday
doesn't have its usual shake, rattle and roll fervor.  Could it be the dire and
disatrous Mars-Saturn conjunction...striking fear into the hearts of everyone
the macho military-government-industrial establishment intends to fuck over?

                              -- Rockie Gardiner, "Rockie Horoscope", LA Weekly

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                        Even paranoids have enemies.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

  Given a sufficient number of people and an adequate amount of time, you can
  create insurmountable opposition to the most inconsequential idea.


                   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Phone Booth Rule)

                A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  If you're not into sports, guys think you're less of a man unless you can
  account for time in activities equally masculine.  When they ask, "Wanna go
  see the game?"  I reply, "I can't - I gotta go put a transmission in a
  stripper's car."
                                                               -- Bob Nickman

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend
  their weekends with?"
                                                                -- Rita Rudner

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 A bunch of Right-To-Lifers were protesting outside my clinic, and it took me
 an hour to park.  I didn't need an abortion, but I got one anyway just to piss
 them off.  Not that I mind their demonstrations - it means they're not home
 breeding.
                                                                 - Leah Krinsky

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  The NRA has lost touch with reality; they're mad because the president wants
  to limit the size of a magazine clip in an automatic hunting weapon to 15
  shots.  If it takes you 15 shots to bring down an animal, you should be a
  vegetarian.  "Let's piece all that together - it might be a deer."
                                                                 -- Jeff Jenna

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

[Hank Gathers' sudden death on the basketball court apparently affected the
Los Angeles Times proofreader, for the following is quoted EXACTLY as printed:]

    MaNY immediately remembered that night hee against Santa Barbara whgen
  Gathers fainted at the free thorw line in the seocnd haslf.  It was eerie
  then; and eerie now.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies
a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not
clothed.  The world in arms is not spending money alone.  It is spending the
sweat of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way of life
at all in any true sense.  Under the cloud of war, it is humanity hanging on
a cross of iron.
                                                       -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

                      QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Foresight Dept.)

       That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to use one?

    -- Pres. Rutherford B. Hayes, upon first seeing the telephone, CA 1880


                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   [Baseball is] a very simple game - you throw the ball, you hit the ball, 
   you catch the ball.  Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes 
   it rains.

                                                      -- "Nuke", Bull Durham

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Number of times Noriega's prisoner number was bet in the first
        Florida state lottery held after he was arrested: 12,139.

                                                     -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Estimated number of documents the IRS loses each year: 2,000,000
    Estimated gallons of ink used at H&R Block offices last tax season: 16
    Estimated gallons of coffee: 2,200,000
                                                         -- Harper's Index


                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Estimated amount Viking Penguin has spent on extra security since publishing
 "The Satanic Verses": $3,400,000

 Estimated amount Viking Penguin has earned from sales of the book: $3,400,000

                                                             -- Harper's Index

                     **** NEW FLASH FOR THE DAY ****

              MUTANT MEDFLY ATTACKS MALATHION CHOPPER PILOT!

           Scientist says giant Medfly mistook chopper for mate!

           "It was Big, it was Ugly, it was Horny," says pilot...

                              FILM AT 11!

                                                -- Hollywood Dog, "The Reader"

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Cumbersome though the present English system of measures is, it's a miracle
 of streamlined efficiency compared to what it was a thousand years ago.
 One distance then was defined as three miles, three furlongs, nine acres'
 breadths, three perches, nine feet, nine shaftments, nine handsbreadths, and
 nine barleycorns, which sounds more like the inventory of a chicken farm than
 a measurement.  Give me a kilometer any day.
                                                  -- Cecil Adams, "The Reader"

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and
   there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war
   or other, in order that the people may require a leader.

                                                     -- Plato, "The Republic"

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                        Take care of the land...
                     Someday you'll be a part of it.

                                            -- sign in Big Santa Anita Canyon

                             NEWS OF THE WEIRD

Three people were indicted in Nashville in September for a scheme in which
they painted a postal collection box to make it a "temporary night deposit box"
for a bank, then placed the box in front of the bank's regular night deposit
slot and left an "out of order -- please use temporary box" sign beside the
slot.
                                                                   -- LA Reader
                           QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   I was shopping for groceries when I saw the sign for "Feminine Needs" and I
   thought to myself, "Finally, a store that sells nice, cute, well-hung guys
   with money who call when they say they're gonna.  Where oh where are my
   double coupons?"
                                                               -- Leah Krinsky

                          NEWSBREAK FOR THE DAY

Errors in the system used by Paris police to code law violations resulted in 
the recent misclassification of 41,000 people accused of crimes.  People with
traffic tickets were accused of manslaughter and soliciting prostitutes;
accused murderers were ordered merely to pay fines of about $230; and running
a red light was classified as importing unauthorized veterinary medicine.
                                                                 -- LA Reader

So if you find an error in our computer system, remember it could be worse.
                                                                  -- Laddie

                      NEWSBREAK FOR THE DAY (Bullshit Dept.)

 Singer Rita Coolidge, trying to draw attention to the plight of the homeless
 in New Orleans in September, said that she favored tougher tax laws for the
 rich and that she planned to tell her accountant "immediately" to figure out
 how she could pay higher taxes.
                                                                 -- LA Reader

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      The main purpose of alcohol is to make English your second language.

                                                         -- Robin Williams

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Standup comedy is the only art form to be heckled.  Picasso never had two drunk
guys in his studio yelling, "More green, idiot!"
                                                                  -- Bill Maher

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     Remember what you were doing when Elvis died?  I was pulling the pins
     out of my Elvis doll.
                                                            -- Doug Benson

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp
  and not look bad.
                                                            -- Robin Williams

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Number of months after the Pentagon bought 80,000 camouflage helmet-covers
   that it found 80,000 in storage: 3
                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Portion of Thirtysomething's advertising that was pulled from
         an episode last fall that showed two homosexuals in bed: 60%

                                                             -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Estimated amount of time that Michael Jordan has spent aloft while playing in
 NBA games, in hours: 3
                                                             -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Percentage of all billboards in white neighborhoods in Baltimore that
      advertise alcohol and tobacco: 20

      Percentage of all billboards in black neighborhoods that do: 76
 
                                                          -- Harper's Index

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   Infiniti [car sales] may not be doing so well, but, hey, at least sales of
   rocks and trees are skyrocketing.
                                                                  -- Jay Leno

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   [Gorbachev has] changed a lot of things.  In his anti-alcohol campaign he
   raised the legal drinking age from 2 to 4.  You know there are 100,000
   alcohol-related collisions a year here [in the Soviet Union] and they
   don't even have cars.
                                                           -- Yakov Smirnoff
  
                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Percentage of all U.S. automobiles in 1900 that were steam-powered: 40
                                                  ...that were electric: 38
                                                  ...that used gasoline: 22

                                                     -- Scientific American


                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

     An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture
     without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
                                           -- Overheard at the Square Dance

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Number of "real close personal friends" on President Bush's computerized list
 of correspondents: 108
                                                             -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Value of the year-end bonuses that Drexel Burnham Lambert gave its employees
 in December and January: $270,000,000

 Estimated amount the company requested in bank loans before it filed for
 bankruptcy in February: $300,000,000

                                                             -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Increase, since 1872, in the average interval between eruptions of
       Old Faithful, in minutes: 11
                                                        -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of dating services created in Magdeburg, East Germany,
         since last November: 7
                                                     -- Harper's Index

            SUPREME COURT DECISION OF THE WEEK (and perhaps the year)

In a recent case, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia declared that when
religious rights clash with the government's need for uniform rules, the court
will side with the government.  

"We cannot afford the luxury" of striking down laws simply because they limit
someone's religious practices, Scalia said.

In a dissenting opinion, Justice Blackmun said, "I do not believe the Founders 
thought their dearly bought freedom from religious persecution a 'luxury,' but 
an essential element of liberty."

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                Yesterday's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.

                                          -- Hunter S. Thompson

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  If you don't trust me with a choice,
                  How can you trust me with a child?

                                      -- Bumpersticker

                  QUOTE FOR THE DAY  (The Secret of Longevity)

 I don't wear a coat in hot weather, I don't never lend money I can't get back,
 and I don't never drink bad likker.
                                              -- John Falk, 84 when interviewed

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Sex with a rubber - that's not sex, it's Tupperware.

                                               -- Paul Rodriguez

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I have a sixth sense, but not the other five.  If I wasn't making money,
    they'd put me away.
                                                              -- Red Skelton

                              NEWS BIT FOR THE DAY

The opening of the border between East and West Germany has provided the
residents with a contrast in cultures.  "The East still looks like West Germany
did right after the war," Henrick Muller says.

Easterners crave Western tools and advice, but they resent what they see as
Western greed.  Westerners flood across the border each weekend to fill their
cars with cheap gas and food.  Gerd Gasdorf, an East German, recently watched
a West German woman buy a butcher's entire stock, despite the protests of other
shoppers.  On her way out, an old man grumbled, "I hope you have a nice party."
The West German woman responded, "What party?  This meat is for my dog."

                                       -- adapted from The Wall Street Journal

QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Your Board of Supervisors at Work, Correcting Nature's Flaws)

"Each day, the Columbia River dumps in the Pacific Ocean 90 billion gallons of
fresh water.  That is 3.7 billion gallons an hour, 61 million gallons a minute
and 1 million gallons a second.  That is wasteful and sinful," says L.A.
Supervisor Kenneth Hahn, who wants the water diverted to Los Angeles, where
presumably it will be used in a less-sinful manner.

                                                   -- adapted from The LA Times

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

I don't have a problem with the economy seating or the first class in the plane
...it's the patio seating thing I'm having trouble with...
                                                               -- Rick Dukerman

                             *** CAUTION ***

       This computer system is for the use of trained operators only.
       Reckless operation of this machine could alter the earth's orbit.


                             NEWS BIT FOR THE DAY

Two elementary school principals have banned certain T-Shirts from their 
schools for glorifying the wrong attitude.  One offensive missive says
"Underachiever and proud of it, man" on a cartoon drawing of Bart Simpson.

J.C. Penney, quivering with courage, has cancelled that particular shirt from
all back and future orders.

The response from the Simpson TV Show's producers?  "Don't have a cow, man."

                     -- adapted from The L.A. Times, with a bow to Walt Kelly

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     It doesn't matter what our chances of success are, we have no choice.

                                      -- Mikhail Gorbachev, on Perestroika


                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

       FAITH: An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

                                                       -- H.L. Mencken

               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Future-Shock Hypothesis)

         The time to leave is when the tar is hot, the feathers loose,
         and you see two men walking toward you with a pole.

        NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Inflation Where It Hurts The Most Dept.)

 The cost of laughing rose 9.4% in 1990, due to increases in the cost of rubber
 chickens and other humor items.  Calling the funny-fowl price increases
 "no laughing matter," humor consultant Malcolm Kushner says rubber chicken
 prices are up 33% in three years, while dancing chicken telegrams are up 18%.

                                                     -- The Wall Street Journal

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

      LOVE IS...staying up all night at the bedside of a sick child...
      or with a very healthy adult...

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

Projected total cost to taxpayers of the S&L bailout, expressed as a percentage
of the federal deficit : 300

Rank of the corporation formed to manage the bailout, among the largest U.S.
real estate concerns : 1
                                                              -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Fine for parking a pickup truck in one's own driveway
              in Flossmoor, Illinois : $10
                                                  -- Harper's Index


                          TRIBUTES FOR THE WEEK

  He was all the floats in the big parade...
 
                              -- Charles Champlin, said about Sammy Davis Jr.

  [During an interview] Henson only became voluble when he spoke as Kermit.
  To a little green frog, the spotlight was a warm and wonderful place to be.

                                                   -- Lynne Heffley, LA Times

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   By 1995,...Operating a computer will be as basic and necessary a skill as
   driving a car.

                -- Dr. Marvin J. Cetron, The 1989 Information Please Almanac


                          COW POETRY FOR THE DAY

                             " Distant Hills"
                               -------------

                    The distant hills call to me.
                    Their rolling waves seduce my heart.
                    Oh, how I want to graze in their lush valleys.
                    Oh, how I want to run down their green slopes.
                    Alas, I cannot.
                    Damn the electric fence!
                    Damn the electric fence!
                                                    -- Gary Larson

                            HOMILY FOR THE DAY

            If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.

                                                  -- Mike Peters

          NEWS ITEM FROM THE PAST (When there was REAL news to gather)

  The reported elopements from Little Sturgeon and subsequent marriage, as
  announced in these columns a couple of weeks ago, turns out to have been a
  baseless fabrication.  Fortunately the names of the parties were not given
  in the item.
                                       -- Sturgeon Bay Advocate, May 3, 1890

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Most Americans -- including many Californians -- tend to think of Los Angeles
 as the city without a past.  But now that the 20th century is starting to feel
 like history, a big chunk of that history has "L.A." stamped all over it.
 Ruthless plutocrats, castle-building realtors, oil speculators, religious
 fanatics, and 2 million Midwesterners looking for Oz were all there at the
 creation of a metropolis that, unlike most, invented itself by a sheer act
 of will.
                                                     -- Tom Carson, L.A. Weekly

                QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Presidential Timber Dept.)

  Let me give you a little serious political inside advice.  One single word.
  Puppies.  Worth 10 points.

                       - President Bush, campaigning for a New York candidate

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Fur coats should be limted to those who can grow them.

                                                         -- Morris

                        CORRECTIONS AND AMPLIFICATIONS

 Some people have asked why Friday's quote by Morris spelled "limited" as
 "limted".   There is a purrfectly simple explanation for this, as those close
 to Morris know - he has a slight speech impediment.  But don't tell anyone, or
 you'll let the cat out of the bag.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 If the celebrated Polish opera star Wanda Waleska had married Howard Hughes,
 then divorced him and married Henry Kissinger, she'd be Wanda Hughes Kissinger
 now.
                                                              -- Martin Gardner

                           NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY

 The water supply situation in Los Angeles is not nearly as critical as in the
 Central California Valley from Monterey to Santa Barbara.  Throughout 
 Monterey, residents are reminded to conserve water.  Water district ads in 
 local newspapers suggest that residents "shower with a frond," to water their
 houseplants.  Other ads remind residents that when they have "guests from
 hell," they can apply for extra water rations.  In a local shopping center,
 there are signs in all the bathrooms: "In the land of sun and fun, we never
 flush for No. 1."
                                                      -- adapted from LA Times


                            NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY

The postal service plans to stretch out some deliveries and raise basic rates
next year.  Louis Rukeyser recently joked that a 30-cent stamp is about right -
"five cents for postage and 25 cents for storage."

                                                         -- Wall Street Journal

                       HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REDNECK

If your wife ever had her hairdo sliced by a ceiling fan...
                                                    ...you might be a redneck.

If you ever helped your brother move his refigerator, and the grass underneath
was yellow...                                       ...you might be a redneck.

If your family tree doesn't fork...                 ...you might be a redneck.


     MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR (In Production, Name to be Thunk Up Later)

The Quintessential BUDDY MOVIE: Starring......Buddy Hackett
                                     and......Buddy Ebsen
                                Sound Track...Buddy Holly
                                Ice Cream by..Nutty Buddy
                                Using.........The Buddy System
                                Percussion Sound Effects by...(you fill it in)

                                                   - "Silent Pictures Maratta"

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                          Just say NO to catnip.

                                       -- Morris

                           QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 I went to the nude beach, but they didn't like me there.  You're not supposed
 to wear anything, and I was wearing a video camera.
                                                               -- Dan St. Paul
                           NEWS OOPS FOR THE DAY

A correction in the "Ask Beth" advice column in the April 13 Boston Globe
told readers to disregard her statement the day before that women are "least
likely" to get pregnant halfway between the beginnings of successive periods.
It's "most likely".
                                                                -- LA Reader
                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 My research shows the sentence in the English language least used by females
 is, "I'm goin' for a cheese-steak."  In the interest of fairness, the sentence
 least used by males is, "Oooh, look, there's a sale on dust ruffles over at
 Stroud's."  And taking both sexes into account, the one you'll never, ever
 hear is, "No, that Porsche belongs to the banjo player."
                                                              -- Eric Boardman

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  [The newspaper La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of expression.
  This was a lie and we could not let them publish it.

      -- Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry Director of Censorship, Nicaragua,
         quoted in the New York Times, 1984

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

  PRAY: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single
        petitioner confessedly unworthy.
                                                             -- Ambrose Bierce

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Number of the ten largest environmental magazines that are printed
       on recycled paper : 3
                                                        -- Harper's Index

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                   Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

                      -- Henry Kissinger (attributed)

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                     Ideology is the death of ideas.

                              -- William K. Shireman

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

A good standup [routine] is not a monologue, but a dialogue with the audience.

                                                             -- Jerry Seinfeld

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

Say, have you heard the one about the three drunk airline pilots?  They have
been accused of being intoxicated while flying a Northwest Airlines plane
from Fargo to Minneapolis on March 8.

How did they get caught?  They were riding around on the baggage carousel.

Why did the flight have three pilots?  Because they don't like to drink alone.

Why did they delay the landing?  They had to wait for the airport to stop
circling.
                                                            -- various sources

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

             CONSERVATIONISTS: Voices crying out in the wilderness.

                                                            -- Time

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   CONFISCATE:  From two latin words meaning "put into the public treasury."

                                            -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

    SEAWEEDS:  What you don't want the people next door to do when they look
               at your garden.
                                            -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                 PET SHOP:  A Chock Full O' Mutts emporium.

                                             -- Louis Sobol

                           QUESTION FOR THE DAY

      If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to inform him of his right
      to remain silent?
                                                             -- Jay Leno

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

    GOVERNMENT: An art consisting in taking as much money as possible from
                one class of citizens to give to the other.
                                                               -- Voltaire

                          NEWS STORY FOR THE DAY

   Because of fears that the song would send students dancing out of control
   in its aging football stadium, the University of South Carolina heeded its
   insurer's demand and forbade bands from playing "Louie Louie" at games.

                                                                 -- LA Reader

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

          MOUNTAIN CLIMBER:  One who wants to take just one more peak.

                                                -- Scholastic Magazine

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Number of trees George Bush has pledged to plant in the United States in the
 next five years: 5,000,000,000

 Amount he has proposed to cut from existing Forest Service tree-planting
 programs next year: $32,000,000

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Acres of solar panels it would take to fulfill all human energy
     needs: 83,000,000

     Percentage of the earth's landmass this represents: 0.2

                                                   -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Sales of Teenage Mutant Nunja Turtles merchandise since the
        film  was released in April:  $500,000,000

        Sales of tickets to the film: $110,000,000

                                                  -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Percentage of American children under the age of 6 who say that the first
  U.S. flag was sewn by Betsy Ross: 15

  Percentage who say it was sewn by Barbara Bush: 29

                                                          -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
 
        Amount of trash left in New York City's Central Park by people
        attending Earth Day festivities, in tons: 100

     Amount of trash retrieved from Mount Everest since April, in tons: 2

                                                        -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Minimum number of songs that Patti Page had in Billboard's Top One Hundred
   every year between 1948 and 1982: 1
                                                                -- New Yorker

                           INTERVIEW FOR THE DAY

PLAYBOY: Describe the contents of Church Lady's medicine cabinet.

DANA CARVEY: Her medicine chest would be really stripped down.  Probably
aspirin and good tartar-control tooth paste.  Toothbrush and Listerine.  There 
might be a four-by-six picture of Minister Bob that she keeps in the Band-Aid 
box.  One time, she saw him mowing the lawn in his tight little Bermuda Shorts 
and she started feeling tempted by Satan.  So to suppress her satanic desires, 
she popped a butter-rum Life Saver and sucked like there was no tomorrow.

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Number of Americans killed by enemies in World War II: 405,399
        Number of Americans killed each year from tobacco use: 425,000

                     -- adapted from a Councilman Marvin Braude letter

                           QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      In biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford.
      Just like today.
                                                       -- Abigail Van Buren

                         WHY OIL SPILLS ARE GOOD

1. Every once in a while, it's good to give the ocean's self-cleaning
   mechanisms a real workout.  It's like taking your car for a long, fast
   drive on a summer afternoon.

2. Oil-coated birds are better protected against the sun's rays than non-oil-
   coated birds.

3. Lab tests prove that many underwater plants actually love the taste of
   Petroleum!

4. A ruined fishing industry means that people will go back to eating more
   meat, America's most virile food.

5. People in the media also benefit!  Spill-videotapers, interviewers of
   bird-washers, ecological-disaster predictors, etc. -- without us, where
   would they be?

             -- D. Alvin Armbruster, CEO, ABC Oil Corp., courtesy of R. Chast

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Among the many souvenirs put on board the Voyager spacecraft, now leaving our
 solar system, was a copy of Chuck Berry's 1958 recording, "Johnny B. Goode."

 "I fully expect that Voyager will be picked up by a space-faring civilization
 one day, said Rich Terrile, JPL scientist.  "It will be placed in a museum and
 revered.  I'm hoping that space-faring civilization will be our own.  Or if 
 not, we'll at least receive a message in 40,000 years or so from some distant 
 solar system.  And that message will say: `Send more Chuck Berry.'"

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of personal-computer disks seized from American homes by Secret
     Service agents last May: 23,000
                                                          -- Harper's Index

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                  NUMISMATICS:  Collecting money for fun.

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                       SCULPTURE: Mud pies which endure.

                                       -- Cyril Connolly

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                            POLYGON: A dead parrot.

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                     PRISM: A place where convex are kept.

                      POEM FOR THE DAY "Ode To Vanna White"

                             Oh Vanna,
                             Vanna,
                             Vanna, Vanna,
                             Vanna,
                             You're all woman
                             And I'm all manna...

                                         -- John B. Williams

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

             MORTICIAN: A man whose life is a grave undertaking.

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Alice Brockgreitens of Whittier recalls that when she worked on the St. Paul
 Dispatch/Pioneer Press, an editor, hoping to promote originality, banned the
 use of the articles "a", "the", or "an" as the first word of any story.

 Anyone who has ever worked as a newpaper reporter knows that would be hard to
 achieve.... One night on deadline, her paper's police reporter heard that
 police had fished the nude body of an unidentified woman from the Mississippi
 River.

 Pressed for time and frustrated by the editor's rule, she wrote the following
 story lead: "Hi there, folks!  The nude body of an unidentified woman was
 pulled from the icy waters...."
                                                                 -- Jack Smith

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 Under a water conservation ordinance adopted by the City Council last month,
 mandatory water rationing will be implemented if residents fail to meet a
 conservation goal of 10% in any month.  In July, DWP customers cut use by
 [only] 9.8%... If the trend continues, officials warn, mandatory rationing
 may be imposed...
                                                                -- L.A. Times

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of
   an oncoming train.


                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  A short list of Arab hates reads like an adaptation of the Tom Lehrer song,
  "National Brotherhood Week":

                     The Iraqis hate the Syrians,
                     The Yemenis hate the Saudis,
                     The Jordanians hate the Kuwaitis  --
                     And everyone hates the Jews.

                                      -- Geraldine Brooks & Tony Horwitz, WSJ

                           MYSTERY OF THE DAY

Just a few days ago the United States didn't have the money to educate its
children, care properly for the sick, safely store toxic waste, rebuild its
infrastructure or house its homeless.  Suddenly we are embarking on a military
adventure that according to the Center for Defense Information, will cost us
$14.6 million PER DAY [and that was last week's figure.]

                                                 -- Michael Ventura, LA Weekly

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next
     freeway exit.

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   The light at the end of the tunnel could turn out to be the headlight of
   an oncoming train.

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Psychologist B.F. Skinner, 86, died last week.  He was best known for his 
principle of "operant behavior," which holds that every action is a response 
to reward and punishment.  Skinner taught pigeons to dance, play pingpong and 
play the piano using the Skinner Box, in which animals push buttons that
reward them with food for tricks.

Asked once if he would do anything in his life differently, he replied, "Just
one thing...If I could do it all over again, I'd never teach those pigeons to 
play pingpong."
                                                                 -- USA Today

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Reward the Columian army offered last spring for the capture of Medellin drug
 lord Pablo Escobar: $400,000

   Reward Escobar offered for "the head" of Columbia's investigative-police
   chief: $1,000,000
                                                             -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Number of snails that animal-rights activists liberated from a snail farm
    in England last March: 153,000
                                                            -- Harper's Index

         STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Discrimination Against The Scots Dept.)

   Maximum amount a Los Angeles taxi company can be fined if its drivers are
   found wearing anything plaid: $1,500

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Federal housing funds spent by New Jersey's Passaic Housing Authority in 1988
  and 1989 to feed stray cats: $14,865
                                                              -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Estimated number of people per square mile during peak season in the
      Yosemite Valley: 3,320

               Number of people per square mile in Houston: 2,986

                                                              -- Harper's Index

                        NOSTALGIA ITEM FOR THE DAY

1976: (1) Steve Wozniak proposes to Hewlett-Packard that it create a personal
          computer.  

      (2) Steve Jobs proposes the same to Atari.  

      (3) Both are rejected.

      (4) Steve 1 & Steve 2 form Apple computer, build the Apple I and take it 
          to the Byte Shop, which orders a few dozen on condition that the kit 
          be preassembled.

      (5) The rest is history.
                                                          -- Adapted from Byte

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 In the light of the largest American military mobilization since the Vietnam
 War,...Saddam Hussein's aggression appears to have made the world safe for a
 continuation of stratospheric Pentagon budgets....  As one Pentagon official
 told CBS News recently, "if you're looking for the [Soviet & Eastern European]
 peace dividend, it just left for Saudi Arabia."
                                                              -- The New Yorker

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has given the new film "Henry and
June", a story about Henry Miller in Paris in the 30's, an "X" rating, which 
means that most theaters will not show it, most news media will not advertise 
it, and Universal will not distribute it.

The director, Phillip Kaufman, said the ratings board has given him a list of
five scenes that need to be altered for an "R" rating, including one brief
glimpse of an erotic Japanese postcard that shows a woman in the amorous
embrace of an octopus.

"That drawing is a hundred years old and in all the art books," Kaufman said.
I can't imagine who it's going to excite unless there's a 17-year-old octopus
in the audience."
                                                 -- Adapted from the LA Times

                NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (News Of The Weird Dept.)

  Glynn "Scotty" Wolfe, eighty-one, a Baptist minister in Blythe, California,
  announced in July that he would divorce his twenty-seventh wife, Daisy,
  nineteen, after five years together, to marry her fifteen-year-old sister.
 
                                                                 -- LA Reader

                        NOSTALGIA ITEM FOR THE DAY

  1981: IBM introduces the PC, which costs $3005 for a 4.77 Mhz 8088, 64K
        bytes of RAM, and a single 5 1/4-inch (180K) floppy disk drive.

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of domestic air fares that are changed daily: 200,000

                                                                - WSJ

                         GRAMMAR LESSON FOR THE DAY

Q: I am with the Defense Department, and I'd like to know whether it's correct
   to say "Four million dollars apiece IS not that much for the SB-79 Hellfire
   Amphibious Assault Salad Bar," or "Four million dollars apiece ARE, etc."

A: Does that price include the optional SS-863 Shrieking Eagle Tactical Sneeze
   Shield?

Q: Of course not.

A: I thought so.
                                                                 -- Dave Barry

          CREATIVE WRITING TIP FOR THE DAY (for Professional Writers only)

A good way to make your writing more interesting is to include shocking
revelations about famous celebrities.

WRONG: "Apply the lacquer with smooth, even strokes."

RIGHT: "Apply the lacquer with smooth, even strokes, bearing in mind that until
       1985 Madonna was, biologically, a man."
                                                                  -- Dave Barry

                         GRAMMAR LESSON FOR THE DAY

Q: How is the word "irregardless" used?

A: It is used to add emphasis to a statement:

                 WEAK: Webster gonna bust your head.
             STRONGER: Webster gonna bust your head irregardless.

                                                    -- Dave Barry

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

One question that the Pentagon has so far managed to keep out of the press, but
which reportedly has strategic planners agonizing, is how to put on the Bob
Hope Christmas Show in a fundamentalist Islamic country.  In Saudi Arabia, to
cite just three problems, (1) women must be clad head-to-toe, (2) Christmas
cannot be publicly celebrated; and (3) live theatrical performances are for-
bidden.  No solutions have yet been advanced for problems 1 and 2, but a report
from the RAND Corporation argues that one way to deal with problem 3 is to
contend that Hope -- "based on the evidence of his last 112 television
specials" -- is not really alive.  "It's a toughie," says one National Security
Council member.
                                                 -- Harold Meyerson,  LA Weekly

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

               Percentage of U.S. homes that have Nintendo: 25

                                          -- Milwaukee Journal               

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                  METRONOME:  A midget who works for MGM.

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                AVIATION: Bird imitations on a commmercial scale.

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                   BITCH: A female of a dog and vice versa.
                   
                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

    EDUCATION: Reeling and writhing and different branches of arithmetic -
               ambition, distraction, uglification, and derision.

                                                          -- Lewis Carroll

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

  EDIBLE: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest; as a worm to a toad, a toad to
          a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

                                                             -- Ambrose Bierce

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I met my wife in one of those singles bars.  What a surprise -- I thought
    she was home watching the kids.
                                                             -- Ron Dentinger

                  CIVIL WAR FACTS (You might have overlooked)

            Number of Americans killed in the Civil War: 620,000
         Percentage of the nation's population this represented: 2
       Number of black men that enlisted in the Union army: 185,000
 Amount General Motors contributed to produce the PBS series: $1,000,000

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     It's a known fact -- cross-eyed teachers cannot control their pupils.


                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

      There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY
          (Why you can't reduce the federal deficit with higher taxes)

                   Government spends what government receives 
                   plus as much as it can get away with.

                                                    -- Milton Freidman

                         TELEVISION SHOW TO WATCH

           Tuesday, 8PM, PBS (KCET, chan. 28) - THE CUCKOO'S EGG

Based on the best-selling book by Clifford Stoll -- it was a seventy-five cent
accounting error that alerted the Berkeley astronomer to the presence of an
unauthorized user in his computer system.  But instead of expelling the hacker,
Stoll laid a trap and tracked the intruder's path through the nation's networks.

"The electronic equivalent of Indiana Jones" -- Newsday

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

 Number of requests for New Kids on the Block lyric sheets received by the
 Parents' Music Resource Center this year: 3,000

 Number of requests for 2 Live Crew lyric sheets: 1,500

 Hours it took Jennifer Norwood of the PMRC to transcribe the lyrics of 2 Live
 Crew's "As Nasty as They Wanna Be": 9

                                                             -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Bottles of suntan lotion the U.S. Army purchased in August from a K mart in
  Hinesville, Georgia: 25,550
                                                            -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Cost of dyeing a dried-out lawn green, from Landscape Services of Santa
    Barbara, California, per 1000 square feet: $125
                                                          -- Harper's Index

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once
          and put it in your pocket.
                                                       -- Kin Hubbard

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.

                                                           -- Kierkegaard

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     Old people shouldn't eat health foods.  They need all the preservatives
     they can get.
                                                             -- Robert Orben

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     Does the expiration date on sour cream mean the date it becomes good?

                                                             -- Larry King

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I strongly believe there is no God; I hope He doesn't hold it against me.

                                                             -- Rick Reynolds

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                    I woke up this mornin'-nnn
                         and all my shrimps was dead and gone
                    I woke up this mornin', ooh
                         and all my shrimps was dead and gone
                    I was thinkin' about you, baby
                         why you hear me weep and moan

                              --"Dead Shrimp Blues," Robert Johnson, ca 1937

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     I come from a family with longevity; my Grandma was 102 when she died.
     And she never used glasses - drank right outta the jug.

                                                             -- Red Skelton

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

             From 15,000,000 BC to 15,000 BC, estimated rate of animal &
             plant species extinction, per century: 4

              In 1970, rate of extinction per day : 1

               Today, rate of extinction per hour : 1

                                       -- Adapted from LA Times

                           WORD LESSON FOR THE DAY

            MONEGASQUES: Residents of the city of Monaco. (no shit!)

                                                         -- LA Times

                           QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   Trends, like horses, are easier to ride in the direction they are going.

                                                           -- John Naisbitt

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

I love the sea, and would not be anywhere else.  She's my home, my religion.
Perhaps correctly I should say she is what we have instead of religion or God.
She creates life, and she ends it.  She has beauty and great mystery, and
she is eternal.
                                                          -- Ernest Hemmingway

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

  Cost of maintaining the U.S. military force in the Persian Gulf region,
  per DAY $32,000,000

  Cost of implementing the savings and loan bailout, per DAY $148,000,000

  Amount a cousin of Saudi Arabia's King Fahd lost at casinos on the French
  Riviera in August: $21,640,000
                                                          -- Harper's Index

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   Driving the [new 1991 Cadillac Sedan DeVille] is an exercise in
   transmogrification.  After 10 miles, there develops an urge to buy a condo
   in Palm Beach.  After a day, one is ready to discuss big band music with
   Don Ameche.
                                       -- Paul Dean, new car review, LA Times

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     Historically, the most terrible things -- war, genocide and slavery --
     have resulted from obedience, not disobedience.
                                                             -- Howard Zinn

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                   Frankly, my dear, I spit on all that.

             -- Rhett Butler's line, as translated, in the newly
                released Russian version of "Gone With The Wind"

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

There is no way in which a country can satisfy the craving for absolute
security -- but it can bankrupt itself, morally and economically, in attempting
to reach that illusory goal through arms alone.  The Military Establishment,
not productive of itself, necessarily must feed on the energy, productivity
and brain power of the country, and if it takes too much, our total strength
declines.
                                                        -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       Any man that goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

                                                -- Samuel Goldwyn (maybe)

                     DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY (Newspeak Dept.)

                   WAVE: Sea-air interface climatic disturbance

        TRAFFIC LIGHT: Electronically adjusted, color-coded vehicular-flow
                       control mechanism

                                      -- Air Force Lt. Col. James O'Rourke

                   DEFINITION FOR THE DAY (Yuppie Dept.)

                          EVIAN: Designer water

                             -- Joseph Wambaugh

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                    There is no God higher than truth.

                               -- Mahatma Gandhi, 1939

                 QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Great Late Night Interviews)

  DAVID LETTERMAN: So, Iggy, what have you been doing since we saw you last?

         IGGY POP: Oh, sucking and licking...

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         VOTE - It's the only thing separating man from the apes.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Only to the white man was nature a "wilderness" and only to him was the land
 "infested" with "wild" animals and "savage" people.  To us it was tame.
 Earth was bountiful and we were surrounded with the blessings of the Great
 Mystery.  Not until the hairy man from the east came and with brutal frenzy
 heaped injustices upon us and the families that we loved was it "wild" for us.
 When the very animals of the forest began fleeing from his approach, then it
 was for us the "Wild West" began.

                                    -- (Sioux Chief) Luther Standing Bear, 1933

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 No house should ever be ON any hill or on anything.  It should be OF the hill,
 belonging to it, so hill and house could live together each the happier for
 the other.
                                                    -- Frank Lloyd Wright, 1932

                 QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Great Late Night Interviews)

  DAVID LETTERMAN: So, Iggy, what have you been doing since we saw you last?

         IGGY POP: Oh, sucking and licking...

                         STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

         Percentage of Americans that have unlisted phone numbers: 31
         Percentage of Las Vegans that have
         unlisted phone number: 61

                  ADVICE FOR THE DAY (Home Plumbing Dept.)

                  Q: How do you fix a leaking faucet?
                  A: Turn it on.

                                -- Roger Price (1918-1990)

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 When the government does it, it's called deficit financing.  When a firm does
 it, we call it a "Ponzi" scheme.
                                             -- Dr. Alfred E. Hofflander, UCLA

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          If I had my life to live over again, I'd live it overseas.
 
                                                  -- Henny Youngman

                         STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

        Cost of three-minute station-to-station daytime phone call
        from New York to San Francisco in 1915 (1990 dollars): $20.70

        Cost toDAY 75 cents


                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                   One night I dreamed that God sneezed
                   and I didn't know what to say to Him.
 
                                       -- Henny Youngman

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             There are no strangers -- just friends we haven't met.

                                                   -- Jackie Vernon

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                     HALFOFFEUS: Goddess of the Malls

                           -- "Married With Children"

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  They're building a tunnel from England to France.  Now the English drive on
  the left side of the road, and the French, on the right, so that's gonna be
  one busy lane.
                                                              -- John Mendoza

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government.  It can only exist
 until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves largess out
 of the public treasury.
                                                  -- Alexander Tytler

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                 12 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

    1.  You can enjoy beer all month long.
    2.  You don't have to wine and dine beer.
    3.  Beer is never late.
    4.  A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
    5.  When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
    6.  A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
    7.  If you pour a beer right, you'll always get a good head.
    8.  You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
    9.  You can share a beer with your friends.
    10. You always know you're the first to pop a beer.
    11. A beer is always wet.
    12. A frigid beer is a good beer.
                                                                  -- Playboy

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                5 REASONS WHY A CUCUMBER IS BETTER THAN A MAN

      1.  A cucumber is always at least six inches long.
      2.  You can fondle a cucumber in the store.
      3.  You can see how hard a cucumber is before you take it home.
      4.  You have to eat a cucumber only when you want to.
      5.  With a cucumber, you don't have to lie on a wet spot afterward.

                                                               -- Playboy

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I have a microwave fireplace...you can lay down for the entire evening in
    just 8 minutes...
                                                             -- Steven Wright

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

      ALAMO: (from the French) in the style of one of "The Three Stooges."

                                                  -- Prof. Peter Schickele

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

         CHICKEN TERIYAKI: The name of the only living Kamikaze Pilot.

                                              -- Prof. Peter Schickele

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

          MILIHELEN: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

                                              -- Prof. Peter Schickele


                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  Police in Caracas, Venezuela, arrested a 37-year-old ophthamologist and
  eleven others, charging them with running a stolen eyeball ring from the city
  morgue.  The scandal broke in May when a pathologist working on a body
  happened to notice that the eyeballs were missing and, on checking, found
  eyeballs on all other morgue bodies were missing.
                                                              -- Chuck Shepherd

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Number of times Madonna used "you know" as an expletive
           during her "Nightline" interview on December 3rd: 36

           Number of times the interviewer used it: 0

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   War is not neat.  War is not tidy.  War is a mess, and you have to be sure
   the stakes justify what you are doing.
                                           -- Adm. William J. Crowe Jr. (Ret)

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

           "What Michelle Pfeiffer needs...is absolutely nothing."
                                               -- Esquire Magazine

    "Clean up complexion, soften smile line, trim chin...soften neck  muscle
    a bit...$1,525"
             -- photo retoucher's bill for Pfeiffer's Esquire Magazine cover

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of U.S. military personnel who have died to date while part of
     Operation Desert Shield: 56

     Estimated U.S. casualties (injuries) for the first two weeks if a 
     full-scale invasion is mounted: 40,000

     Estimated U.S. DEATHS for the first two weeks if a full-scale
     invasion is mounted: 10,000
                                                        -- various sources
                            HA-HA FOR THE DAY

                Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

                A: Hailing taxicabs.

                                           -- Gary Lockhart

                            SNIGLET FOR THE DAY

         MALLCONTENTS: A collection of ticked-off husbands always found
                       sitting on benches at shopping malls.

                           NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY

 Remember Tokyo Rose -- the Japanese radio DJ who tried to undermine U.S. troop
 morale during WW2 with her seductive patter?  Well, now here's Bagdad Betty: 
 "Why are you Americans here?  Don't you know you will die in the desert?  
 While you are here, your wives and girlfriends are dating American movie 
 stars...like Tom Selleck, Paul Newman and...Bart Simpson."
                                                     -- adapted from L.A. Times

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  One man's pleasure is another man's vice.

                                   -- Poor Laddie's Almanac

                          JINGLE FOR THE SEASON

                     Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
                     Walla-Walla wash, and Kalamazoo.
                     Nora's freezing on the trolley,
                     Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo.

                                               -- Walt Kelly

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Number of minutes Congress spent last October debating the administration's
  request for new S & L bailout funds: 30

  Number of minutes Congress spent last October debating a proposal to renovate
  the Capitol hairdressing salon: 40
                                                              -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                 Ratio of Finns to saunas in Finland:  4:1

                                         -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Number of members of Congress who have sons or daughters
            serving in the Persian Gulf: 2
                                                   -- Harper's Index

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

                                         -- Sam Watterson (Calvin & Hobbes)

                            SNIGLET FOR THE DAY

      DOWNPAUSE: The split second of dry weather experienced while driving
                 under an overpass during a storm.

                    TOP TEN COMPUTER VIRUSES FOR OCTOBER

                             1.  PC is Stoned
                             2.  Jerusalem
                             3.  Disk Killer
                             4.  Dark Avenger
                             5.  Ping Pong
                             6.  Cascade
                             7.  Sunday
                             8   Johsi
                             9.  4096, or Frodo Lives
                             10. Pakistani Brain

                        -- compiled by the Computer Virus Industry Association

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                        DEBATE:  What you fish with.

                                       -- Jack Smith

                        CULTURE QUESTION FOR THE DAY

                Michelangelo's "David":  Is it Great Art, or
                   Just Another Man With His Pants Down?

                      WHERE YOUR FEDERAL TAX DOLLARS GO

      To study the sand on Waikiki beach........................$  100,000
      To develop soybean ink....................................   100,000
      To help support the Lawrence Welk Museum..................   500,000
      For a bee lab............................................. 1,700,000
      For a fish farm in Arkansas............................... 2,700,000
      For shrimp aquaculture.................................... 3,400,000
      For urban gardening....................................... 3,600,000
      To fight witchweed........................................ 5,100,000

                                                    -- Heritage Foundation

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                   HISTORIAN: A prophet looking backwards.

                                 -- August W. von Schlegel

                      OVERHEARD ON A BULLETIN BOARD

The Kingston Trio was network management before its time:
 
                      "This lan is your lan. . ."
 
                         "Green.bat dollar. . ."
 
             "A million tomorrows may all pass away,
             Ere I erase all the files I backed up today. . ."
 
                                              -- Marty Winston

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              Men who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.

                                                      -- Voltaire

                 QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Desert Storm Roundup Dept.)

            We went in with a bunch of guys and we got everybody out.

                                               -- USAF Lt. Col. Kline

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                              WAR: A contagion

                       -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Percentage increase in Domino's Pizza deliveries last week: 40

                                                    -- various sources

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Daily cost for ammunition for Allied forces, since January 15: $500,000,000.00

                                                             -- various sources

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                The computer's worst enemy: a coffee cup.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   The Playboy Advisor Oath: I am incredible in bed, and when someone else is
   there with me, I'm even better.

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Percentage of Iraqi males between the ages of 15 and 39 that are soldiers: 33

                                                             -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

        Percentage of the recruitment ads for the U.S. military broadcast
        since the Iraqi invasion that include combat scenes: 57

        Percentage of the ads broadcast before the invasion that did: 0

        Percentage change, between August 1989 and August 1990,
        in U.S. Army enlistment: -38

                                                         -- Harper's Index

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

THE ANCIENT CODE OF BACHELORS: Don't pick up anything until it blocks the door.

                                                            -- James R. Chiles

                           NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

    The BBC has published a "non-playlist" for affiliate stations preparing
    broadcasts for the Allied Gulf troops.  Among the 67 songs they are NOT
    to play are:

                           Killing Me Softly
                           Give Peace A Chance
                           Imagine (by John Lennon)
                           Walk Like An Egyptian

    Oddly enough, "Woolly Bully" is not on the list.

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                  HISTORY: The story of the world's crime.

                                               -- Voltaire

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     I think I'm a couch yam, because I'm a little classier than a potato.

                                                            -- Carl Reiner

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Number of months a U.S. soldier can function effectively in the Saudi desert,
 according to the U.S. Army: 6
                                                             -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Chances of a Shuttle crash in the next 4 years, assuming all systems are 98
  percent reliable, according to NASA: 1 in 2
                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Estimated cost to taxpayers of the Gulf War, per person: $650 to $1075

                                                    -- Network news sources

                   (The Ultimate) SHORT STORY FOR THE DAY

               Once upon a time, they lived happily ever after.

                                              -- The New Yorker

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                       Bush Insists It's World War II,
                       Anti-War Activists See Vietnam

                               -- Headline in LA Times

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                            I ain't done bad.

  -- Gen. Colin Powell, discussing the role of minorities in the U.S. Military

                   QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Who Do You Believe Dept.)

  The polystyrene hamburger clamshell uses 30% less energy than paperboard.
  Its manufacturing results in 46% less air pollution and 42% less water
  pollution.
                                        -- Wall Street Journal, Jan 14, 1991

  An analysis by a Canadian chemistry professor concludes that disposable
  coffee cups made of plastic foam are less damaging to the environment than
  paper cups.
                                         -- Wall Street Journal, Feb 2, 1991

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                          Roses are red,
                          Violets are blue-er,
                          This is a love note
                          From your guy in the sewer.

                              -- Ed Norton as interpreted by Balki

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                    Truth is the first casualty of war.

                                       -- P.J. O'Rourke

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Copies of Microsoft Windows 3.0 (Graphical User Interface) sold per hour: 2000

                                                                   -- LAN Times
                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              Whiskey's for drinking; water's for fighting over.

                                           -- Mark Twain (maybe)

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   The Jews better make up their minds about retaliating, cause the last time
   they listened to a Burning Bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years.

                                                             -- Gary Muledeer

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                              There is no Dog!

              -- a Dyslexic Athiest, according to Gary Muledeer

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

We know there are some people around who just don't like sex, and what can you
do?  But then, there's this group that tries to develop a constitutional
argument.  I do not understand why sex has been singled out.  You can be a
racist, you can attack people's religion, their skin color.  You can call for
all kinds of violence and it's constitutionally protected.  It's only if you
try to get someone sexually excited that you run into this trouble.  We have
this weird special standard that must be based -- as far as I can figure --
on the idea that sexual ideas are either not ideas and therefore not deserving
of protection or they are so dangerous that they have to be regulated.

                                                              -- Robert Scheer

           NEWSPEAK DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY (Your Gov't At Work Dept.)

LOCS (acronym): Line(s) Of Communication

COLLATERAL DAMAGE (noun): Dead bodies

ATTRIT (verb): To wear down

SEA-AIR INTERFACE CLIMATIC DISTURBANCE (noun): Wave

ELECTRONICALLY ADJUSTED, COLOR-CODED VEHICULAR-FLOW CONTROL MECHANISM
               (noun): Traffic light

CAREER-CHANGE OPPORTUNITY (noun): You're fired

NO NEW TAXES (Read My Lips): Tax increases

REVENUE ENHANCEMENTS (More): Tax increases

                                              -- various sources, all reliable

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            So -- what do we DO with Saudi Arabia once we save it?

                                                  -- Robert Scheer

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Amount of pay cut Michael Milken (the "Junk Bond King") will take when
     he becomes a working inmate at Federal Prison in Dublin, California,
     per hour: $107,000

                                                                -- LA Times

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    INTERVIEWER: If you were not in the [Iraqi] army, what would you do?

    IRAQI POW: I'd go to America.

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

        MOVIE STUDIO: The greatest electic train set any boy ever had.

                                                       -- Orson Welles

                         STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Estimate made in December of the number of Allied deaths likely if a
    full-scale Gulf War invasion is persued: 10,000

    Actual deaths as of Wednesday, 02/27/91: 79

                                                      -- various sources

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Amount of oil used by the Pentagon last year, expressed as a percentage of
   total U.S. oil imports from Saudi Arabia: 43

   Gas mileage of an M-1 tank, per gallon: .56

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

               Percentage of Americans who say they would like
               to have dinner with George Bush: 7

               Percentage who say they would like
               to have dinner with Bart Simpson: 12

                           -- Fleishman Hillard/Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Number of car manufacturers worldwide that have built and
          tested models that get more than 67 miles per gallon: 7

          Number of these cars that are currently on the market: 0

                                                  -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Percentage of R-rated movies that contain violence: 60

            Percentage of X-rated movies that do: 46

            -- Daniel Linz, University of California, Santa Barbara

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of orgasms witnessed at the Masters & Johnson Institute
         in its first nine years of research: 14,000

                                    -- Masters & Johnson/Harper's Index

                          QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Soldiers don't really fight for ideals, or for country, or for God.  We fight
 for each other.  After six months in the desert together, it's my buddies,
 my NCO's, my lieutenant, I'm willing to die for...

                    ...Okay, maybe not the Lieutenant...

                                                   -- Doonesbury/Garry Trudeau

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Percentage of R-rated movies that contain violence: 60

            Percentage of X-rated movies that do: 46

            -- Daniel Linz, University of California, Santa Barbara

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 A war fought largely over one natural resource, oil, has destroyed other
 critical resources of the region, including wildlife, fresh water and arable
 land.  What is needed is a multinational cleanup effort in which the military
 forces in the Gulf shift from destruction to restoration.

                                                   -- Michael Closson/Tom Lent

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        I was in Sears & Roebuck the other day.  They had a white sale,
        so I bought a Caucasian family.
                                                        -- Arsenio Hall

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and asked them,
    "What kind of Bourbon goes with an M-16?"
                                                             -- John Mendoza

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Before the war, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world.  Now it has
   the second largest army in Iraq.
                                                                   -- Hexagon

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Total amount Kuwait invested in the United States last year: $4,000,000,000

                                           --U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Average number of miles an item of food consumed in the United States
      travels before it is eaten: 1,200

                                                    -- Worldwatch Institute

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of U.S. combat deaths in Vietman before a Washington
         antiwar rally drew more than 75,000 people: 14,000

         Number of U.S. combat deaths in the Persian Gulf before the
         January 26 rally that drew more than 75,000 people: 0

              -- Swarthmore College Collection/U.S. Dept. Of Defense

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Number of countries worldwide that have been invaded since 1945: 23

 Number of these invasions the United States sent troops to help repel:  3

                                                  --  Lentz Peace Research

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Average number of vehicles stolen in Los Angeles each minute: 2.7

                                                         -- Metro Traffic

                    QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Academy Award Dept.)

 No, I haven't been Dancing With Wolves, but I have been Sleeping With Beavers.

                                                            -- Jonathan Winters

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Everybody considers his own convictions "facts"; to a flat-earthian,
      the world's flatness is a "fact" and its roundness a mere "theory."

                                                     -- L. Sprague De Camp

            AXIOM FOR THE DAY (Thoreau's First Theory of Adaptation)

     After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
     commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
     command structure.

                AXIOM FOR THE DAY (Hoare's Law of Large Programs)

       Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.

            AXIOM FOR THE DAY (Thoreau's Second Theory of Adaptation)

        After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar bug
        in the system, the system is revised, the bug is taken away,
        and you're left with a useless routine.

                   QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Colliding Cliches Dept.)

        Diamonds are a girl's Best Friend, but a man's B. F. is a dog.

                                                         -- Bill Maher

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                      APRIL FOOL!  (Oops, wrong day.)

             Q & A FOR THE DAY (Gangs Ain't What They Usta Be Dept.)

                 Q: Why did Buckwheat wash his clothes in Tide?

                 A: Cause it's cold OUT tide.

           NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Your Gun Control Laws At Work Dept.)

   The gunmen (in the Sacramento hostage/shooting last Monday) were armed with
   two 9 milimeter pistols and a shotgun that they purchased last week after
   complying with the state's required 15-day waiting period.

                                                                   -- LA Times

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of "assault weapon" class firearms registered in the State of
     California by Jan 1, 1991 deadline: 18,000

     Percentage of estimated total this represents: 6

     Estimated number of weapons now legally subject to seizure: 282,000

                                                                -- Reason

                    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Bula's Basic Law #2)

                The pen is mightier than the sword, but you must
                have money in the bank to back up that check.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              The law must be stable, but it must not stand still.

                                                   -- Roscoe Pound

              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Count Your Blessings Dept.)

           Size of one traffic jam in Tokyo last year, in miles: 84

                                                  -- Harper's Index

                   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Clifton's Rule No. 4)

              Money no longer talks - it just goes without saying.

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Estimated number of documents the IRS loses each year: 2,000,000

    Estimated gallons of ink used at H&R Block offices last tax season: 16

    Estimated gallons of coffee: 2,200,000
                                                         -- Harper's Index

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
      with sense, reason, and intellect has intended to forgo its use.

                                                                 -- Galileo

  SPORTS WRAPUP FOR THE DAY The Holyfield/Forman Fight (In A NutShell Dept.)

  One guy looked like a Greek god.  The other looked like a Greek restaurant.

                                                                -- Jim Murray

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Number of solar panels installed on the White House roof by President Carter
  that are still there: 0
                                                             -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Average ratio of U.S. funds spent fighting a war
          to U.S. funds spent on that war's veterans' benefits: 1/3

          Number of Americans who received veterans' benefits last year
          for a relative's service in the Civil War: 51

                                                      -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Average number of cars stolen in Los Angeles County per year: 129,000

                   Brand of car most often stolen: Toyota

                                                           -- news services

                           QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            We have a massive leadership vacuum in this country,
            and we need to change bags...

                                                -- Jeff MacNelly

                  DEFINITION FOR THE DAY (Electronics Dept.)

                      TRANSISTOR: Nun with a sex change

          CONCERT REVIEW FOR THE WEEK (Culture-On-Parade Series)

Prof. Peter Schickele, the world's leading (and only) authority on P.D.Q. Bach,
presented his Farewell Concert last Monday at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium.
"P.D.Q. Bach was a composer years ahead of his time," intoned Prof. Schickele,
"but he died not a moment too soon."

At the onset of the concert, a dignitary from the National Academy of Recording
Arts and Sciences belatedly awarded the Grammy that had been granted to 
Schickele last year.   Schickele acknowledged the assistance of numerous lofty
muses, including Spike Jones.

Then the concert began, and P.D.Q. was busy leaving no musical turn unstoned.
Soon the horrified NARAS dignitary stalked back to the rostrum and snatched
back the Grammy.

The menu included a snazzy "Fanfare for Fred", a glassy "Einstein on the Fritz", 
and the "Safe Sextet".  The Pasadena symphonians provided virtuostic noodling 
and doodling on command, splendid sawing and pawing in depth, but the audience 
seemed most impressed with the interjections of a single flatulent tuba.
                                                       -- from Martin Bernheimer

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Number of astronomers still living who have discovered new planets: 1

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Estimated amount that Boston Red Sox pitcher Roger Clemens
            will earn this season, per strikeout: $20,400

            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY (Fascinating Fertilizer Facts)

     Price in Oregon of one 15-oz can of Elephant manure, "Zoo Doo": $4

     Number of months Elephant manure should be composted to avoid having
     peanut plants sprouting among your rose bushes from undigested seeds: 6

                                                                 -- LA Times

                        FASCINATING FACT FOR THE DAY

                Main industry and source of foreign exchange
                for Kuwait up until 1930: pearl diving

                -- Daniel Yergin, "The Epic Quest for Oil..."

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Estimated waste of water from California pools through leaks,
         in millions of gallons per year: 6
                                                       -- news sources

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Rank of the Navajo tribe, among the suppliers of potatoes to Frito-Lay: 1

                                                                -- Frito-Lay

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

               Organized people make lists but don't need them.
               Disorganized people make lists but can't find them.

                                                 -- Wise & Aldrich

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of Carousels (Merry-Go-Rounds) ever built in this country: 6000

     Number still operating: 169
                                                            -- news sources

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

        FISHING: The only sport where sitting on your butt under a tree
                 looks like concentrated activity
                                                       -- Jeff MacNelly

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

             Estimated number of pieces of junk mail per year
             thrown out without being opened: 10,000,000,000

             Number of trees this represents: 5,000,000

                                                       -- WSJ

             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Poor McFadden's Almanac Dept.)

                     To go to bed late and get up early,
                     Makes a man cross, mean and surly.

                   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kelly's Observation)

      Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, except he gets a cheaper gift.

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Number of the 440 animals in the Kuwait City Zoo that survived the war: 29

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Amount the city of Los Angeles paid out in settlements
            of police-brutality suits last year: $8,699,431

                                                 -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Rank of "Jose", amoung the names most often given male babies
          in Los Angeles County this year: 1
                                                      -- Harper's Index

                   QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Vive La Difference Dept.)

                  We are the Unwilling, Led by the Unqualified,
                  Doing the Unneccessary,  For the Ungrateful.

                  -- Found on a GI's Zippo Lighter, Vietnam era 

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Number of U.S. Universities that offer a bagpipe major: 1

                                                  -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              U.S. Health Standard for Sulfates in the atmosphere,
              in micrograms per meter: 0.2

      Average level of Sulfates at the Grand Canyon Rim, 1989 summer: 1.4

                                                 -- National Park Service

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Average number of American farmers who die from asphyxiation
           in manure pits each year: 4
                                                      -- Harper's Index

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                Number of horses in Los Angeles City: 12,000

                                                 -- LA Times

                           MOVIE REVIEW FOR THE DAY

 Occurances of the word "fuck" in the Andrew Dice Clay movie "Dice Rules": 136
                Second must common word: "bitch" (not tabulated)
                     Number of non-woman jokes: 70
                         Number of woman jokes: 49

                                      -- as reported by David Ewing, LA Reader

                  QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Vintage Advertising Dept.)

                  Feeling Low?
                  Feeling Tense?
                  These three words will make you feel your best:
                  "Smoke a Lucky."

                               -- Lucky Strike radio ad, ca. 1950

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Estimated height, in feet, of the resulting tidal wave in the
        Gulf of Mexico, 65 million years ago, when a 6-mile-wide asteroid
        hit the Earth: 2000
                                              -- Wallace Ravven, LA Times

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

The editor of The Progressive and 10 other publications earlier this year filed
suit against the Pentagon's war coverage regulations calling the rules
"a blatant violation of Freedom of the Press."  Amoung the parties named were
the President....

The courts recently dismissed the suit "on the grounds that the war is over."

                                                        -- Door County Advocate

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Average amount of milk an American dairy cow produced
            last year, in gallons: 1,703

            Average amount a cow produced in 1950, in gallons: 618

                                                 -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Amount of chewing gum collected each year by the maintenance crew
       at the Statue of Liberty, in pounds: 600

                                                       -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Amount of cash CNN reporter Peter Arnett says he wore sewn into his clothes
  while covering the Gulf War: $100,000

                                                            -- Harper's Index

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Number of U.S. city governments that have extended employee health benefits
 to unmarried "domestic partners": 6

 Number of "domestic partnership" announcements in the Minneapolis Star Tribune
 this year: 4

                                                              -- Harper's Index

                     A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS

            TAOISM: Shit happens.
            CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit Happens."
            CALVINISM: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
            CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are BAD.
            JUDAISM: Why does this shit always happen to US?
            ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
            ATHEISM: Sheeit.
            RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.
                                                           -- Anonymous
                             REVELATION FOR THE DAY

   Now it can be revealed!  Ever wonder why photographs of UFO's are always
   so fuzzy?  It's because UFO's emit a kind of radiation that registers on
   film as fuzziness!
                                                              -- New Yorker

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   NEW YORK CITY: The only place in the world where you can get a Rolex watch
                  for twenty-five dollars.
                                                            -- The New Yorker

           QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Why the Lakers lost the NBA Championship)

              Some of the players had to play both ends of the court.

                                                          -- Bill Cosby

                          BIOGRAPHICAL REVIEW FOR THE DAY

       STEVEN KING: The only guy in the world who can out-gross his kid
                    in a gross-out contest.
                                                    -- Carol Montgomery

       NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Beer Companies Meet the Government Head-On)

 Coors Light's long-running slogan "It won't slow you down" will be dropped
 by the brewer.  The government says it's false and misleading; "We all know
 alchohol...tends to slow down your reactions and reflexes."

 Kirin Brewery agreed to stop running ads playing on its Japanese heritage; it
 uses a brewery in Canada.

 Anheuser-Busch agreed to stop running billboards in Colorado calling Budweiser
 "Colorado brewed," since not all Bud is brewed in Colorado.
                                                         -- Wall Street Journal

                 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary)

                  You cannot successfully determine beforehand
                  which side of the bread to butter.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           Zachary Taylor - the person with the best chance of winning
           the Presidential race for the Democrats in 1992.

                                                    -- David Letterman

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 The computer is a great teaching tool for young people.  For example, my
 home computer has an educational program that enables you to control an
 entire simulated planet -- its ecology, its technology, its weather, etc.  My
 10-year-old son and his friends use this program a lot and we've all learned
 some important ecological lessions, the main one being: Never, ever put
 10-year-old boys in charge of a planet ("Let's see what happens when you have
 volcanoes AND nuclear war!")
                                                                 -- Dave Barry

                        THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Wiker's Law)

              Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some.

                    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Puritan's First Law)

                        Evil is "live" spelled backward.

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  We had mice in our basement, so I went to get some poison, but the tamper-
  resistant seal had been broken.  I didn't know if I should buy it - someone
  might have slipped some aspirin in there.
                                                               -- Rita Rudner

                           ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE DAY

   Come One!  Come All! -- to the 9th Annual Thresheree & Barn Dance
   at the Bernard Geisel Farm, Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, August 17 & 18!

   MAJOR EVENTS: Barefoot Horse Pull
                 Antique Tractor Pull
                 Potato Digging
                 Blacksmithing
                 Mud Pig Wresting
                 Grain & Corn Bindering
                 Competition Chain & Crosscut Saw (bring saw)
                 Thresherman of the Year announced
                 Brats & Beer
                 ...And Much More!
                                                           -- from a brochure

                        MOVIE REVIEW FOR THE DAY

                             The Rocketeer

    How can Cliff's rocket pack send flames shooting down his back without
    incinerating his ass?
                                           -- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

        FILE CABINET: A four-drawer, manually activated trash compactor.

                                          -- Jim Fisk and Robert Barron

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

                                                               -- Lily Tomlim

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Education is what's left over when you subtract what you've forgotten
      from what you've learned.
                                                              -- Lloyd Cory

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      There is one difference between the tax collector and the taxidermist --
      the taxidermist leaves the hide.

                                                            -- Mortimer Caplan

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   I was sixty-six years old.  I still had to make a living.  I looked at my
   Social Security check of 105 dollars and decided to use that to try to
   franchise my chicken recipe.  Folks had always liked my chicken.

                                                  "Colonel" Harland Sanders

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                      Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

                       NEW SALES TAX LAW MADE SIMPLE

  As of today, the California state sales tax in Los Angeles County is 8.25%.
  It also applies to more items than before.  To clarify this distinction,
  here are some examples:

             Tax on doughnuts (food): 0%
             Tax on brownies (snacks): 8.25%
             Tax on bottled water (non-food): 8.25%
             Tax on Ding Dongs (snacks) when bought with cash: 8.25%
             Tax on Ding Dongs (snacks) when bought with food stamps: 0%

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                          I loved her then --
                          I love her now --
                          I love her now and then.

                                  -- Robert Savage

                         NEW TAX LAW CLARIFICATION

To clear up some questions on the new California State tax law, we present
some examples:

Saltine Crackers, which are food items (obviously) are NOT taxed.
Ritz Crackers, which are snacks (natch) ARE taxed.
EXCEPTION: Ritz Crackers (snacks) paid for with food stamps are NOT taxed.

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

             Number of U.S. drive-in theater screens in 1958: 4063
                                                     in 1991:  910

                                                       -- LA Times

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
                                                                 -- Mark Twain

                           DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY

             TOTAL ECLIPSE: The Moon passes between you and the Sun.

      REALLY TOTAL ECLIPSE: Demi Moore passes between you and the Sun.

                                          -- "Silent Pictures" Maratta

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                BORE: Someone who who deprives you of solitude
                      without providing you with company

                                      -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be around
         when it happens.
                                                           -- Woody Allen

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     By all means marry.  If you get a good wife you will become happy --
     and if you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher.

                                                              -- Socrates
                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                  The real Hollywood Sign is a dollar sign.

                                        -- Howard Rosenberg

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                     One man's God is another man's idol.

                                           -- Steve Allen

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    The purpose of having an open mind is the same as having an open mouth -
    to eventually close it on something solid.
                                                         -- G. K. Chesterton

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

      PICKPOCKET: A man who believes that every crowd has a silver lining.

                                                       -- Leonard Neubauer

                            QUESTION FOR THE DAY

     If olive oil comes from the squeezing of olives, and coconut oil comes
     from the squeezing of coconuts, what is the source of baby oil?

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Hatred is the most accessible and comprehensive of all unifying agents.
    Mass movements can rise and spread without belief in a God, but never
    without belief in a devil.
                                                             -- Eric Hoffer

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            When buying and selling are controlled by legislation,
            the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

                                                  -- P. J. O'Rourke

                           MacFACTS FOR THE DAY

                   Number of MacDonald's in the USSR: 1

                   Average wait in line, in minutes: 45

How many working hours it takes the average Soviet worker to earn a Big Mac: 4

                                                                  -- L.A. Times

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

                                                             -- Perez

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

                                                        -- Abraham Lincoln

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        I call my girlfriend Cleopatra because she's the Queen of Denial.

                                                         -- Rick Rockwell

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   PEACE: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods
          of fighting
                                                           -- Ambrose Bierce

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

 Percentage of American casualties caused by our own troops ("friendly fire")
 during WW II, the Korean War, and the Vietnam War: 2

 Percentage of American casualties caused by friendly fire
 during the Gulf War: 23
                                                              -- news sources

                          THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

            Don't believe in superstition; it brings bad luck.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             If airline travel is so safe, how come the sterwardesses
             sit right next to the emergency exits?
                                                     -- Johnny Carson

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Number of acres of rain forest destroyed per second: 1

                                           -- World Wildlife Fund

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

           POLES: People who say, "Thank God for that big buffer state
                  between us and Red China."

                                                       -- Victor Zorza

                            SLOGAN FOR THE DAY

                    WHO Ya Gonna Call?  COUP-Busters!

                                    -- Gorby & Yeltzy

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   HOW HOT IS IT?  It is SO hot that I saw two palm trees fighting over a dog.

                                                              -- Rick Rockwell

                         BUSINESS SLOGAN FOR THE DAY

    Sign in Art's Electric, Pullman, Washington: "Let us remove your shorts"

                                                                -- USA Today

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Number of cases of gonorrhea found in 7,000 tests made on 246 prostitutes
   employed by the Chicken Ranch, Nevada, between 1982 and 1989: 19

   Number of cases of syphilis: 2

   Number testing AIDS positive: 0

                                                                 -- LA Times

                  So What Do YOU Call The Failed Soviet Coup?

   The Ishtar of all coups
                        -- David Steinberg

   The little coup that couldn't
                        -- various sources

   Coup-d'etat-ta-ta
                        -- Frank Kelly

                             DEFINITON FOR THE DAY

      VAMPIRE: A poor unfortunate soul suffering from iron-deficiency anemia
               who has never heard of Geritol

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of live hand grenades thrown from moving cars in Chicago
         in the last year: 4
                                                       -- Harper's Index

              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Tuttle's First Law of Pollution)

         You're never more than a few feet from a product containing PCB.

                    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Hayden's Homily #1)

       No matter how much cats fight, there are always plenty of kittens.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 You cannot sink someone else's end of the boat and still keep your own afloat.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized up.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

          An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia.  It is a riddle
        wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

                                            -- Winston Churchill, 1939

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Percentage of the world's population that is in the USA: 5
   Percentage of the world's lawyers in the USA: 30
   Ratio of engineers to lawyers in Japan: 20/1
   Ratio of engineers to lawyers in USA: 2.5/1
   Ratio of lawsuits per person in the USA to Japan: 30/1
   Percentage of winnings from USA lawsuits that go to lawyers and courts: 57

                                                    -- US News & World Report

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

         CUBA: An island in the Caribbean with the government in Moscow
               and the people in Miami.
                                                           -- Al Romero

                   OOPS! FRIDAY THE 13TH IS UPON US AGAIN!

Do you know how many Friday-The-Thirteenths there can be in any one calendar
year?   There is a maximum and minimum number.  And if you know the answer,
can you prove it?  You might try writing a computer program in the language of
your choice to find out.  If you care, send me (Laddie) the answer through the
Notework  mailbox; I would be interested in finding out how you arrived at
the results.  There is no prize involved (other than the satisfaction of
intellectual stimulation) and this is Probably Not An Official Company Function.

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                         DIVORCEE: Born-again single

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

       Number of visitors per year to Yosemite National Park: 3,000,000
                         ...to the Parthenon, Athens, Greece: 5,000,000

                                                        -- news sources

                               MESSAGE FOR THE DAY

 NOW IT CAN BE REVEALED!  The fewest Friday-The-Thirteenths ANY calendar year
 can have is 1. The most is 3.  A short program, FRI_13.PRG, written in FoxBase,
 is available in the FS2\SYS:COMMON subdirectory if you wish to run it or see
 how this fascinating fact was proved.  You can examine the program
 (documentation is included) by printing it, TYPEing it to the screen, or by
 using a word processor (but WORD is not the best choice).  Try this line at
 the DOS command prompt: TYPE F:\COMMON\FRI_13.PRG | MORE

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

              Official name of the new 150-foot Eagle River bridge
              in Avon, Colorado, chosen from 85 entries: "Bob"

                                                            -- WSJ

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                There's no nice way to kill somebody in a war.

  -- Pentagon Spokesman Pete Williams, responding to the public outcry about
  an Allied battle procedure during the Gulf War, where Iraqi soldiers in the
  trenches were deliberately buried alive by tanks with plows

        LITERARY QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Military Tech & Soap Dept., Part I)

 Far beneath the surface of the North Atlantic, inside the US nuclear submarine
 Sea Turnip, Second Lieutenant Major Sergeant Commander Bart Brickman glanced
 at his watch.  It was the Rolex Military Chronotron Model FX-6000, with 127
 separate functions including day, date, tides, lunar phase, relative humidity
 and domestic beet production.  The display revealed to Brickman that the time
 was 1400 hours.  Brickman briskly punched this information into the Sea
 Turnip's main computer, the 6.5-skillion megabyte RZT-960000 DataHumper by
 Radio Shack. In less than one-billionth of a second, the computer flashed the
 result on the cathode-ray tube display: "1400 HOURS EQUALS TWO O'CLOCK."
 Snack time...
                                                                  -- Dave Barry

         LITERARY QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Military Tech & Soap Dept., Part II)

   "Oh, Bart," moaned Chief Petty Ensign Commander Fifth Class Doreen LaFume
   as Brickman reached for the clasp of her bra.  She was wearing the General
   Dynamics AX-6000 "HooterHefter" Armored Assault Brassiere, featuring...

                                                                -- Dave Barry

                               QUOTE OF THE DAY

                    Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?

         -- Mark Frederick, who was raised in Louisiana and speaks funny

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Average number of reported U.S. deer/vehicle collisions per year: 400,000
   People killed in these accidents per year: 130
   Estimated value of one deer, based on hunting expenditures: $1,000

                                                     -- Door County Advocate

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Ratio of the production cost of a Coca-Cola can to the production cost
     of the Coca-Cola it contains: 2:1

                                                          -- Harper's Index

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of years it would take to execute every American on death row,
     at the rate of 1 execution per DAY 7
                                                         -- Harper's Index

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 [It is] peculiar watching TV personalities who've had their names changed,
 their teeth capped, their hair woven, their faces lifted, their tummies
 tucked, and their lipo suctioned dissing artists who lip-sync for being phony.

                                                             -- Craig S. Karpel

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

            Amount the federal budget deficit grew since yesterday,
            in billions of dollars: 1

            Amount this represents per citizen, in dollars: 3.94

                                            -- Gannett News Service

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of computer viruses expected to be in existance by 1995,
         at the present rate of growth: 100,000
                                                       -- Geraldo Rivera

                             QUESTION FOR THE DAY

         If a parsley farmer goes bankrupt, can they garnish his wages?

                                                          -- Bruce Baum

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Ratio of average annual wheat yield in Europe to U.S., per acre,
       last four years:  2:1

                                          -- U.S. Dept. of Agriculture

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Depth that would result if all of the ash, sand, rocks and other debris from
  Mount Pinatubo's recent eruption were spread over Los Angeles' 463 square
  miles, in feet: 23
                                                                   -- LA Times

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                      Non-alcoholic wine: what's the point?

                                         -- David Letterman

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Number of years it took to install 500,000 telephones in Eastern Germany
   under the Communist regime: 40

   Number of years it took to install the same number of phones in the Eastern
   part of reunified Germany: 1
                                                                   -- LA Times

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                        IRAQ: a 50,000-hole golf course

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

PUNCTUATION: The main punctuation marks are the period, the coma, the colonel,
the semi-colonel, the probation mark, the catastrophe, the eclipse, the Happy
Face, and the box where the person checks "yes" to receive more information.
You should place these marks in your sentences at regular intervals to indicate
to your reader that some kind of punctuation is occurring.
                                                                  -- Dave Barry

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

         Phrase least likely to be heard at Coca-Cola offices: Uh-huh

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Number of state governors that have gained or requested
            some form of tax increase for 1992: 23
                                                          -- Reason

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Number of 4-inch cocktail umbrellas placed on the lawn outside the
      Lancaster Mervyn's store last weekend by Ed Balder: 1,830

      Number of matching cocktail umbrellas placed in Japan: 0

                                                             -- LA Times

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Number of Americans who have been shot in the last decade
            by children under six: 138,490

                                                    -- Harper's Index

                   NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Good Timing Dept.)

    Looking back historically, we are in the worst part of the fire season.
    The big ones usually occur between Oct. 1 and Thanksgiving.

                                     -- Tom Hutchinson, U.S. Forest Service

   Fire officials decrease their resources every October in deference to
   a budget...
                                                                -- LA Times

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Percentage of goods manufactured, grown or sold in California
          that are transported by trucks: 98

                                     -- California Trucking Association

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

  Average number of weeks it took the poultry industry to produce a full-grown
  chicken in 1940: 12

  Average number of weeks it takes toDAY 6
                                                   -- National Broiler Council

  Chances that a chicken sold in a supermarket is infected with salmonella:
  1 in 3
                                            -- Dept. of Consumer Affairs (NYC)

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Number of large used yellow umbrellas owned by artist Christo: 1760

    Number of spectators killed by them during his art project's duration: 1

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

      Amount the city of Berkeley, California spends per year to shelter
      and care for its homeless, in millions: $2.2

      Estimated amount this represents, per homeless person: $2,200

                                                             -- LA Times

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

Amount budgeted by the city of Berkeley, California to administer the city's
rent-control apparatus this year, in millions of dollars: 2.5

Estimated decrease in number of rental units since controls were first
imposed: 3,600
  
Estimated loss of property taxes as a result of rent control, in millions: $104

                                                                    -- LA Times

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                             Trick or treat?

                             -- The Happy Hooker

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Fall in New York is so pretty -- watching the trash change colors.

                                                       -- Biliam Coronel

                          DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

          INFLATION: What makes balloons bigger and candy bars smaller.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I found out today that I just won the 1994 Psychic Of The Year Award...

                                                              -- Geechy Guy

                       THOUGHT FOR THE DAY  (O'Leary's Law)

                             Murphy was an optimist.

                           DISCLAIMER FOR THE DAY

The following program may be offensive to some, but a real turn-on to others...

                                                                    -- Callahan

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       If we had a girl, my wife wanted to call her "Sue" -- a lovely name,
       but which for Jews is generally a verb...

                                                         -- Dennis Wolfburg

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                  Damn Computers shoulda never been invented.

                                             - Mark Frederick

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               We've now beaten Iraq, Panama, and Grenada --
               UNLV has a tougher schedule than that.

                                                -- Rich Hall

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   COMMUNISM: The most painful of all roads from capitalism to capitalism.

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

      Estimated number of unsolicited phone calls made by U.S. salesmen
      per day, in millions: 18

      Percentage of these that are made by stockbrokers: 33

                                              -- Democratic Study Group

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Percentage increase, since last year, in the price of bread in Baghdad: 3,000

                                                  -- London School of Economics

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Percentage of American men who say they would rather have sex
       with Betty Rubble than Wilma Flintstone: 58

                                      -- Esquire/Beta Research Corp.

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Price of one minute of fresh air from a sidewalk
              oxygen booth in Mexico City: $1.15

                                             -- Harper's Index

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     I think Spaghetti Carbonarra should be our national Thanksgiving dish
     instead of turkey -- after all, wasn't Columbus Italian?

                                                         -- Calvin Trillin

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Percentage of this year's cantaloupe crop in California's Imperial Valley
   that has been destroyed by the Poinsetta Whitefly: 95

                                                                 -- LA Times

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Percentage increase, since last year, in the price of bread in Baghdad: 3,000

                                                  -- London School of Economics

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Expert estimate on how long it would take to extinguish and cap all the
     burning oil wells in Kuwait after the Iraqis torched them, in months: 60

     Number of months it actually took: 7

                                                              -- news sources

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Percentage of smog-producing hydrocarbon emissions in the Southern California
  area that come from trees and shrubs: 12

                                                                    -- LA Times

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      THE DOO-DAH PARADE: The only parade in the world with its own relish.

                                                          -- Vicki Lawrence

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

          Percentage of all income in Israel that goes to taxes: 56

          Percentage of land in Israel owned by the state: 93

                                                          -- Reason

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Number of drops of oil still released from the battleship Arizona
        sunk in Pearl Harbor in 1941, per minute: 3

                                                          -- news sources

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             If "pro" and "con" are opposites, does that mean that
             Congress is the opposite of Progress?

                                        -- contributed by Jon Ward

                  STATISTICS FOR THE DAY (Oh, You Doll Dept.)

        Ratio of the Barbie dolls sold in the United States since 1959
        to the number of Americans born since then: 5 to 1

     Number of years since Barbie's boyfriend Ken has been introduced: 30

           Number of times Ken has proposed marriage to Barbie: 0

                                         -- U.S. Census, Mattel, LA Times

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

     Accuracy that scientists can measure the distance to the moon, using
     laser beams and mirrors left on the moon by astronauts, in inches: 1

   Time it takes for a laser beam to travel (at the speed of light) to the
   moon and back for such a measurement (or any other reason), in seconds: 2

                                       -- Wall Street Journal, World Almanac

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

              Number of jobs George Bush said could be created
              if he won the presidency in 1988, in millions: 30

        Number of jobs to date by which he missed his goal, according
        to AFL-CIO President Lane Kirkland, in millions: 29.5

                                                          -- LA Times

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

             The MOST number of Friday 13's a year can have: 3

            The LEAST number of Friday 13's a year can have: 1

                           NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY

 Jeffrey Duhl filed a lawsuit in August against a Massapequa, NY, luncheonette
 to recover the $1.50 "food sharing" fee he was charged.  Duhl had taken
 several sips of his wife's soup, and his wife had taken a bite of his meatloaf
 sandwich.  Duhl said: "If the food is mine, I should be able to determine the
 use of it.  Or are they only leasing it to us?"
                                                           -- News of the Weird

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

     DIPLOMAT: One who can tell you to "Go to Hell" in such a way that you
               actually look forward to the trip.

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Chances that an organ transplanted in new York City came from
         a murder victim: 1 in 4

                                --New York Regional Transplant Program

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

         Average annual amount an American spends on Japanese goods: $378

         Average annual amount a Japanese spends on American goods: $344

                                                    -- Harvard University 

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

        Number of members of the Cossacks, a Moscow motorcycle gang: 8

        Number of motorcycles they own: 1

                                             -- San Francisco Examiner

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        When I was a student at the Sorbonne in Paris I used to go out and
        riot occasionally.  I can't remember now which side it was on.

                                                     -- John Foster Dulles

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                               Merry Christmas!

                               -- S. Claus & Co.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     I reject Christianity because it is Jewish, because it is international
     and because, in cowardly fashion, it preaches Peace On Earth.

        -- Field-Marshal Erich Ludendorff (1865-1937), German Chief-of-Staff

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Percentage increase in U.S. health-care costs since Januaray 1990: 16

                                                    -- U.S. Dept. of Labor

               NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (New Uses For Software Dept.)

Houston police have been on the lookout for a video pornographer who persuaded
three very naive teen girls to pose nude for his camcorder, saying he was
shooting a New Kids on the Block video.  According to a Rolling Stone account
of the scam, the man told the girls their outfits would be superimposed onto
the finished video with computer graphics.
                                                                   -- LA Times

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   ESTROGEN:  The hormone that causes certain distinct female characteristics
              such as ovulation and the ability not to watch football.

                                                                -- Dave Barry

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Current population increase in China per day: 46,000

                                                          -- WSJ

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful
    and multiply."  But not in those words.

                                                             -- Woody Allen

                            SIGN OF THE TIMES

         Name of a service station near Mojave, California: Casa de Gasa

                                                             -- LA Times

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

                                    -- (Copyright) Ashleigh Brilliant

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

      Rank of Los Angeles in the "Green Cities Index," a "quality of life"
      environment rating, among 64 cities (#1 is best): 61

      Rank of Santa Ana: 64

      Rank of Honolulu: 1

                                              -- World Resources Institute

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             Hard work pays off in the end, but laziness pays off now.

                                                          -- Al Lubell

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  Five years ago, Bob Haifley said, God spoke to him.  God told him to build
  a life-size figure of Jesus using toothpicks.  Last year, after 5 years
  and 65,000 toothpicks, Haifley, of Covina, finished "The Gift."  The Lord
  gave him that name, he said.

                                                -- Adapted from the LA Times

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

       Typical price of a kidney paid to a (voluntary) live human donor
       in India and some other third-world countries: $2,000

       Price of a cornea: $4,000

       Price of a patch of skin: $50
                                                                -- Time

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

     MEDICINE:  The art or science of amusing a sick man with frivolous
                speculations about his disorder, and of tampering ingeniously,
                till nature either kills or cures him.

                                               -- Daniel Drake, MD (1785-1852)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               Nothing ever makes sense first thing in the morning.

                           -- Jack Dane (Yale Summers) in "Daktari"

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female
    reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentary way that she was as succulent
    as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.

                                            -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

	   If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for,
	   he isn't fit to live.

				    -- Martin Luther King (1929-1968)

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Number of prison inmates per 100,000 general population in the U.S.: 426
                                                 ...in the Soviet Union: 288
                    ...in Great Britain (the highest in Western Europe):  97

                                                             -- Free Inquiry

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 Rabbinical authorities in the religious township of B'nei B'rak, Israel,
 banned hot pizza in fast-food stores and kiosks because they believe it could
 lead to improper contact between the sexes.  They reasoned that boys and
 girls might have to wait in line at stores for their pizzas to heat.  "They
 might look at at each other [which is] an offense against modesty," said one
 rabbi's aide, "or, God forbid, even touch each other."

 It is not forbidden to sell cold pizza.
                                                        -- "News of the Weird"

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Average number of people added to California per month: 41,300

                                                  -- U.S. Census Bureau

                           DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY

   HARDWARE: Where the people in your company's software section will tell you
             the problem is.

   SOFTWARE: Where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you
             the problem is.

                                                                 -- Dave Barry

                              QUIZ FOR THE DAY

   Of the following cars, which is made in the U.S.?

           Pontiac LeMans, Chevy Lumina, Mercury Capri, Honda Accord Coupe,
           Dodge Stealth, Mercury Tracer, Plymouth Voyager.

           Answer: Honda Accord Coupe
                                                     -- Wall Street Journal

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Number of people, since the line opened, that thought they could outrun
    the 55-MPH Blue Line train at the crossing by going around the closed
    gates and were wrong: 37

    Number of people that didn't live to try it again: 6

                                                                -- LA Times

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         A Chicken McNugget doesn't die any easier than baby fur seals.

                                                          -- Ted Nugent

                    QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Courtesy, New York Style)

  I paid my fare; then I opened my wallet again and gave the driver a big tip.
  "Let me make sure you get out of the car safely," he said, and he leaned
  way out his window, craned his neck, and yelled, "O.K., the coast is clear!"

                                                             -- The New Yorker

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          Look at Bartles and Jaymes -- why would anyone want to drink
          after seeing what alcohol did to Ed?

                                                    -- Kelly McGonigal

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Time has finally run out for communism.  But its ediface has not yet crumbled.
 May we not be crushed beneath its rubble instead of gaining liberty.

                                                -- Alexander Solzhenitsyn, 1990

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   Restore human legs as a means of travel.  Pedestrians rely on food for fuel
   and need no special parking facilities.

                                                              -- Lewis Mumford

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           Anything that calls itself new is doomed to a short life.

                                                        -- Tom Wolfe

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            The cinema is not a slice of life but a piece of cake.

                                               -- Alfred Hitchcock

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Estimated gallons of water needed to produce selected foods in California:

                            1 Cup of Lettuce:    3
                            1 Egg:              63
                            8 oz. Steak:     1,231

                                                               -- L.A. Times

     NEW ITEM FOR THE DAY (Would You Buy a Used Prophecy From This Person?)

 30 "psychic counselors" employed by a Woodland Hills 900-line personal advice
 firm were unable to see the future for themselves last week, when their
 employer cut their hourly wages from $10 to $5.50.

 "The company may bring in less experienced people to take calls, but we're
 professionals," an employee spokesperson said.  The company, Network
 Telemarketing Services, charges $239.40 per hour for "professional" advice
 given by supposed clairvoyants and Tarot card readers.

                                        -- Adapted from Greg Braxton, LA Times

                     QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Why It Rains Dept.)

                Nature, like man, sometimes weeps for gladness.

                               -- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Dont' knock the weather -- nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a
      conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

                                         -- F. McKinley Hubbard (1868-1930)

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Estimated speed of the Colorado River at its fastest point, in MPH: 25

    Estimated speed of the Los Angeles River when Adam Bishoff fell into it
    last WednesDAY 35
                                                              -- L.A. Times

            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Archimedes' Principle of Politics)

         A light-weight congressman can often be buoyed up by a force
         equal to the weight of the pork in his barrel.

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

              Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.

                           NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 Dennis Marfice, chief of hydrologic engineering for the Los Angeles District
 of the Corps of Engineers...said Corps employees did not understand the
 signficance of pre-flood danger signs such as an unusually heavy rainfall, a
 a fast rise in the water level...and huge outflows from the dam....

 "Somebody that's not experienced with that kind of chain of events won't
 necessarily know what's going on," he said.

 Presumably, a more-experienced employee is required to correctly interpret
 "heavy rainfall, a fast rise in the water level and huge outflows" as a
 flood danger and issue a warning.

                                                    -- Adapted from LA Times

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Price of one hour of topless cleaning service from Hooters,
           a Las Vegas company: $57
                                                     -- Harper's Index

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Number of peanuts, per capita, the U.S. government allows to be imported
    each year: 2
                                                             -- James Bovard

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

       Ratio of the number of profanities uttered by actors to the number
       uttered by actresses in films released in the 1960s:  10:1

       Ratio in films released last year:  2:1

        -- Timothy Jay, North Adams State University (North Adams, Mass.)

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

 Percentage of Taiwan's cabinet who have Ph.D's from American Universities: 43

 Percentage of U.S. cabinet members who have Ph.D's: 0

                                                             -- Harper's Index

                              DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                  LOVE: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

                                                -- Ambrose Bierce

                   THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Flucard's Corollary)

             Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Decrease in the strength of the Earth's magnetic field since 1832: 5%

                                                                     -- PBS

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 "Our supercomputer is mostly connections," David Chudnovsky said.  "About
 ninety per cent of its volume is cables.  Your brain is the same way.  It is
 mostly made of connections.  If I may say so, your brain is a liquid-cooled
 parallel supercomputer."  He pointed to his nose.  "This is the fan."

                                    -- Richard Preston, "The Mountains of Pi"

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                  One man's vulgarity is another man's lyric.

        -- Former Supreme Court Justice John Marshall Harlan (attributed)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   An Archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets,
   the more he is interested in her.

                                                           -- Agatha Christie

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                  Percentage of Los Angeles County residents
                  currently receiving welfare payments: 15

                                                 -- LA Times

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

                                         -- Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                      SHOW BUSINESS: Sincere insincerity

                                           -- Benny Hill

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe 70 years ago, carefully
 measured brain weights.  He observed that the average weight of a man's brain
 was 1350 grams, and of a woman, 1250 grams.  This, he argued, was infallible
 proof of the mental superiority of men over women.  Being the true scientist,
 he specified in his will that his own brain be added to his impressive
 collection.  The postmortem examination showed the interesting fact that his
 own brain weighted only 1245 grams.
                                           -- adapted from Scientific American

               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Apartment Dweller's Law)

     Your upstairs neighbors dance, your downstairs neighbors hit the roof,
     and your next-door neighbors play handball.

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Estimated number of fax pages sent through AT&T, per year, in billions: 3.7

                                                        -- AT&T Annual Report

               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Rule of Elderly Survival)

              If you are wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe,
              you have a pair like it somewhere in the closet.

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Average time it takes to develop one medicine from the laboratory stage
    to the pharmacy, in years: 12

    Average cost to develop, in millions of dollars: 231

                                                                     -- WSJ

                          STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Percentage of Japanese graduating high-school seniors who have taken
     at least six years of English-language classes: 100

                                                    -- Japanese Consulate

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Number of years Gloria Steinem says she lived in her apartment before
      realizing that the oven did not work: 4

                                                          -- Gloria Steinem

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

    Partial list of companies affected adversely by the Michelangelo virus on
    March 6:
                     Eastman Kodak
                     Exxon Corp.
                     Intel Corp. (shipped 839 infected disks of Lanspool 3.01)
                     Lotus Corp. (shipped infected CD/Networker disks)
                     Save The Whales, Santa Monica

                                                          -- PC Week, LA Times

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

    According to recent International Atomic Energy Agency inspections, if
    the Gulf War had not begun, Iraq would have built its first atomic bomb
    by August, 1992.  The facility used for bomb construction was not
    identified as a nuclear weapons plant by the U.S. military during the war,
    and it was not destroyed.
                                                                   -- LA Times

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Ratio of medical compounds approved by the FDA for public
           sale to those tested on people: 1:4000
                                                              -- WSJ

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Ratio of the number of fan letters Mary Pickford received in 1919
        to the number Madonna received last year:  6:1

                                         -- Guinness Film Facts and Feats

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                 Percentage of Americans who think "espresso"
                 is an "overnight delivery system": 7

                                       -- Krups North America

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Number of minutes it takes to hard-boil an ostrich egg: 90

                                                   --The Ostrich News

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                             Bring back mono.

                              -- Phil Spector

                          FACT FOR THE DAY (TODAY ONLY)

               Windows and networks: a marriage made in Heaven!

                                   APRIL FOOL!

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.

                                                     -- Spike Milligan

                             OSCAR FOR THE DAY

 ...And now for the award for The Most Awesome Performance Of A Dude Crashing
 His Bike Through A Plate-Glass Window, Running Through The Mall Shooting At
 Other Dudes, And Beating Up A Whole Bunch of OTHER Dudes All By Himself!
 Gimme the envelope, please...

                                                            -- The New Yorker

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         We do lots of things with Apple [Computers].  We spend billions
         of dollars on lawsuits, for example.

                                                -- Bill Gates, Microsoft

                  STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Who's Talking Dept.)

     Annual per-capita income in Mexico, according to the World Bank: $2,000

                  ...according to the Quarterly Journal of Economics: $4,900

                                                                   -- Reason

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Percentage of Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Terminator II" $490 million
       gross income that came from foreign theaters: 58
                                                              -- LA Times

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 On Coed Softball: Men know, deep in their souls, that if a woman had to choose
 between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
 elect to save the infant's life, without even considering whether there were
 men on base.
                                                                  -- Dave Barry

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                        First the man takes a drink
                        Then the drink takes a drink
                        Then the drink takes the man.

                                  -- Japanese proverb

                    DITTY FOR THE DAY "Just Cloning Around"

                    (Sing to the tune of "Home On The Range")

                  Oh, give me a clone of my own flesh and bone
                  With its "Y" chromosome changed to an "X."
                  And when it is grown then my own little clone
                  Will be of the oposite sex.

                  Clone, clone of my own...

                                    -- Isaac Asimov (1920-1992)

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Percentage of baseball players signed to pro contracts between 1987
       and 1990 that came from Latin American countries: 26

                                                              -- LA Weekly

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                           In vino ci sta laetitia,
                           In pane ci sta vita.

                           (In wine there is laughter,
                           In bread there is life.)

                                    -- Italian proverb

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                 A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
                 can always count on the the support of Paul.

                                       -- George Bernard Shaw

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Projected average California freeway speed in the year 2000, in MPH: 11

                                                                -- LA Times

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

                   Price of rubber chickens, per dozen: $57.60

                   Price of Groucho glasses, per dozen: $15.40

                                   -- "Cost of Laughing" Index

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Number of weddings scheduled to take place in the next
              four weeks on network TV series episodes: 12

                                                         -- LA Times

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Democracy seems to require that we flush public dollars
            down the toilet once in a while.

                                                   -- David Brodsly

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

           We have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.

                                                        -- Earl Wilson

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Percentage of cellular phone users who say that their phone has
          improved their marriage: 54
                                                                -- Gallup

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY 

  In 19th century England, public executions were used by government officials
  as a deterrent to pickpockets.  Professional thieves used the public
  executions as opportunities to work the crowds.

                                    -- LA Times, contributed by Michael Murphy

                  THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (EARTH DAY, May 22,1992)

                         The Earth: Love it or leave it.

                                       -- Laddie Chapman

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                  Number of shoes currently on display at the
                  Los Angeles County Museum of Art: 400

                                                  -- LA Times

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Portion of the world's landmass occupied by livestock: 1/4

                                                -- Cornell University

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  One of Klaus Ludwig's favorite Sunday drives is the nice, smooth ribbon of
  autobahn between Frankfurt and Bonn [Germany].  When the night is clear and
  the road is empty, he hits the gas on his Mercedes-Benz 500E and watches
  the speedometer climb to 155 m.p.h.  He can make the 115-mile trip in about
  45 minutes.

     Sometimes people pass him.

                                                                  -- LA Times

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 In March, the newspaper "The Oregonian" reported that it will no longer print
 Indian nicknames for sports teams.  Since then, we have learned that one of
 the teams affected by this move is the Chemawa Indian School in Salem,
 Oregon.  The school's sports teams -- the Braves -- will no longer be referred
 to by their nickname in the state's most important paper.

                                                                      -- Reason

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                And now, jurors and rioters, a moment of silence
                to observe the suspension of reason.

                                               -- Laddie Chapman

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                          The world is watching us.

                               -- Rev. Cecil Murray

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        The color of everyone's skin is the same when covered with soot.

                                         -- Christina Gonzales, Fox News

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                             Preserve us from us.

                             -- Rev. Cecil Murray

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                    We have met the enemy and he is us.

                                   -- Pogo (Walt Kelly)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Where is the rhyme or reason, [Angelenos] must wonder, in a system that puts
 Zsa Zsa Gabor behind bars for slapping the policeman who stops her for a
 traffic violation, then exonerates four officers who are filmed breaking a
 man's leg and fracturing his facial bones in a sustained assault that leaves
 the victim bleeding and half senseless?
                                                          -- Arizona Republic

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  NBC/Mutual radio reporter Steve Futterman was quizzing looters emerging from
  a store in the Crenshaw district.

  "What did you take?" he asked a man.

  "I got some gospel music," the looter replied, "I love Jesus."

                                                                   -- LA Times

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                           We did not do our job.

                       -- LA Police Chief Daryl Gates

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Price of "Video Catnip," a 25-minute video of birds, squirrels,
         and chipmunks, from Pet Avision: $19.95
                                                          -- Pet Avision

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Number of "Tonight" shows Johnny Carson has hosted: 6512

                                                         -- LA Times

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Average number of times Dr. Benjamin Spock, 89, author of many best-selling
  "child rearing" books, consults his psychoanalyst each week: 4

                                                                 -- Dr. Spock

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 For the first time in 141 years of America's Cup racing, a man (not a buoy)
 got flagged for boat interference.  He was Scuba Cam Man, taking pictures for
 ESPN while floating in the water near the race course; sort of a fish's-eye
 view of the race.

 But the photographer floated INTO the race with the current.  Both the
 Americans and Italians had to change course to avoid hitting his
 yellow-helmeted head.  There was nothing Scuba Cam Man could do, short of
 singing: "Hello muddah, hello faddah.  What am I doing in this regatta?"

                                                   -- adapted from Mike Downey

                               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

            Most people consider a glass as half empty or half full.
            I look at it as too big.

                                                    -- George Carlin

                              STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

           Number of deaths in Los Angeles County caused by vehicular
           accidents during 1991: 1215

           Number of deaths caused by guns: 1554

                                                           - LA Times

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Percentage of households that still have at least one rotary
          (old-style dial) phone: 40

                                                                -- WSJ

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Teach a man to repair a car and you've given him greasy fingernails.
      Teach him how to hot-wire one and you've given him transportation.

                                       -- quoted by John Johnson, LA Times

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

      Number of B2 bombers that the U.S. Congress planned on buying, at
      ONE BILLION dollars each, before the cold war ended: 16

      Number of B2 bombers that Congress NOW has on order: 20

                                              -- Eric Mankin, LA Reader

                                COWS FOR THE DAY


              (__)              (__)            (__)          (__)
              (oo)              (oo)            (oo)          (oo)
   /-----------\/      /---------\/      /-------\/      /-----\/
  / |         ||      / |       ||      / |     ||      / |   ||            U
 *  ||--------||     *  ||------||     *  ||----||     *  ||--||        /---V
    OO        OO        OO      OO        OO    OO        OO  OO       * O--O

   Full-Size Cow       Mid-Size Cow    Compact Cow    Sub-Compact Cow    Yugo

                     (Non-polluting) STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Ratio of the cost of an all-electric Ford Escort sold by Solar Electric in
   Santa Rosa to the cost of the conventional gas model sold by Ford: 2/1

   Expected sales of cars converted to electric by Green Motor Works in North
   Hollywood, per month: 4
                                                                       -- WSJ

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         A week from now, we'll all be saying, "Wheerrrrrre's Johnny?"

                                             -- Mel Brooks, a week ago

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Number of Americans who indicate they may have been physically abducted
    by a UFO alien, in millions: 3.7
                                            -- Roper poll, sponsored by
                                               the Intruders Foundation and
                                               the Fund for UFO Research

                               COW FOR THE DAY

             (__)                       )__(                  vv    vv
             (oo)                       (oo)                  ||----||  *
      /-------\/                 *-------\/                   ||     | /
     / |     ||                 / |     ||                   /\-------/
    *  ||----||                /  ||----||                  (oo)
       ^^    ^^                   vv    vv                  (~~)

    American Cow                Polish Cow                 Australian Cow

                      NEW ACRONYMS FOR ECOLOGICAL ACTIVISM

                           Not In My Back Yard (NIMBY)
                      Locally Undesirable Land Uses (LULU)
           Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything (BANANA)

                                                             -- WSJ

                              SIGN FOR THE DAY

     Sign on the marquee of the Laugh Factory comedy club during the recent
     L.A. riots: "All the jokes were stolen.  Please don't break in."

                                                                     -- WSJ

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Number of handguns purchased legally in Los Angeles County in the last five
   years, not including post-riot purchases, rifles or shotguns: 466,453

   Ratio of handgun-to-residents this alone represents: 1/19

                                                                   -- LA Times

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Percentage of the world's total land vegetation that is classified by
      botanists as "grass": 30

                                                   -- Roy Lukes, Naturalist

                                COWS FOR THE DAY

             (__)                       (__)                      __)
             (oo)                       (oo)                       o)
      /-------\/                 /-------\/
     / |  O  ||                 * ||----||
    *  ||----||                   ||    ||
       ^^    ^^                   ^^    ^^
    Cow that gives              Cow that gives             Cow that gives
    (W)hole Milk.               Low-Fat Milk.              2% Milk.

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Number of NCR Automatic Teller Machines (ATM's) on U.S. Navy ships: 330

                                                                     -- WSJ

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Percentage increase in the average price of a new car since 1980: 100

                                                 -- U.S. Dept. of Commerce

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

     Amount a Kuwaiti husband receives from the government when he marries
     a Kuwaiti bride, the first time: $14,000

     Amount he gets for each additional Kuwaiti wife he marries
     (polygamy is not only legal, but encouraged): $3,500
                                                                    -- WSJ

                             COWS FOR THE DAY

                                  o        o                 (__)    ^
                                   \      /                  (oo)   /
                                    \    /               _____\/___/
               (__)                  \__/               /  /\ / /
               (oo)           _______(oo)              ^  /  * /
      /---------\/           /|  ___  \/                 / ___/
     / | x=a(b)||           / | {   }||             *----/\
    *  ||------||          *  ||{___}||                 /  \
       ^^      ^^             ||-----||                /   /
                            ^^     ^^               ^    ^
      Mathematical            Television          This cow does Disco
          Cow                     Cow            (That's what comes of
     (developer of            (Cow-thode          snorting cow-caine)
       cow-culus)              Ray Tube)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of years the Oldsmobile 98 automobile has been made: 51

                                                            -- Autodata

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Number of AAA batteries used by the sound department
              since the Phantom of the Opera opened in LA: 57,000

                                                       -- LA Times

                            QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                            What -- me worry?

       -- Alfred E. Neuman (c/o William Gaines, MAD publisher, 1922-1992)

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Number of E's in the word "potato," according to VP Dan Quayle: 1

                              COWS FOR THE DAY
   
                                       \                              /
                                        \                            /
               (__)                      \              (__)        /
          /\/\_(oo)                       \        /\/\_(oo)       /
        //      ==                         \     //      ==       /
       / | /\/\||                           \   / | /\/\||       /
      *  ||    ||                            \ *  ||    ||      /
         ^^    ^^                             \___^^____^^_____/
          Silly cow
   (His father was a camel)                   Sillycow-valley.
                                         (If you don't get this one,
                                            just ask any engineer)

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Percentage of electricity converted to heat instead of light
           in a conventional light bulb: 95
                                                            -- LA Times

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

             Amount of Social Security checks voluntarily returned
             to the government in 1991: $230,000

                                                   -- U.S.A. Today

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

              DAN QUAYLE: One taco short of a combination plate.

                                               -- Robin Williams

                               COWS FOR THE DAY

           (__)                       (__)                     (__)
           (OO)                       (@@)                     (xx)
    /-------\/                 /-------\/               /-------\/
   / |     ||                 / |     ||               / |     ||
  *  ||----||                *  ||----||              *  ||----||
     ^^    ^^                   ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^

  Cow who drank Jolt         Cow who ate              Cow who used Jolt to wash
                          psychadelic mushrooms      down psychadelic mushrooms

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

       Number of people added to the world's population each DAY 260,000
              Percentage of this increase that is in China: 18

                                                         -- LA Times, WSJ

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        God gives us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

                                                  -- Ethel Watts Mumford

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     There are no secrets to success.  It is the result of preparation, hard
     work, learning from failure.
                                                     -- Gen. Colin L. Powell

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     There are no secrets to success.  It is the result of preparation, hard
     work, learning from failure.
                                                     -- Gen. Colin L. Powell

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         If you want an accounting of your worth, count your friends.

                                   -- Mary Browne (National Enquirer)

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

           Number of air bags that have inflated in accidents: 57,000
           Number of lives estimated to have been saved: 300

                                        -- US Dept. of Transportation

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Even if you are on the right track, you're in the way if you aren't moving.

                                                               -- Will Rogers

                              COWS FOR THE DAY

            (__)
            (oo)                       U
     /-------\/                    /---V
    / |     ||                    * |--|                       .
   *  ||----||
      ^^    ^^
   Cow at 1 yard.           Cow at 100 yards.         Cow at 10,000 yards.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

                                            -- Publilius Syrus

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of electric vehicles currently registered in California: 3,095

                                                         -- California DMV

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Everything is changing.  People are taking their comedians seriously
      and the politicians as a joke.
                                                            -- Will Rogers

                                COWS FOR THE DAY

                              __                o oo o
                             (__)                \||/
                             (__)                (__)               (___)
      (__)                   (oo)                (oo)               (o o)
      (  )            /-------\/          /-------\/         /$$$$$$$\ /
     ( /* )          / |     ||          / |     ||         / $$$$$$$|O
      |  |          *  ||----||         *  ||----||        *  ||w---||
      ^  ^             ^^    ^^            ^^    ^^           ^^    ^^
    Dairy-Air      East Indian Cow        Injun Cow           Cash Cow

                           NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 In this election year, more computer viruses than ever have come to light.
 If you see any of these, notify the proper authorities.

 the TED KENNEDY VIRUS:  Crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.

 the RICHARD NIXON VIRUS: You can wipe this one out, but it always makes
                          a comeback.

 the RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Keeps forgetting what day it is and what exactly
                          it is supposed to do.
                                                     -- Virus Research Center

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY
 
  The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority
  of Americans are possessed of two great qualities - a sense of humor and a
  sense of proportion.
                                                 -- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

                     MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR

 the GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it
                        until November.

 the BILL CLINTON VIRUS: This virus mutates from region to region.  We're
                         not exactly sure what it does.

 the JERRY BROWN VIRUS: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.                         

                                                     -- Virus Research Center

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Percentage of California residential telephone numbers that are unlisted: 40

                                                                   -- LA Times

                                COW FOR THE DAY
                           ___________________________
                          /      /          /        /
                         /      /__________/        /
                        /                          /
                       /                          /
                      /                          /
                     /                          /
                    / 3.5" 135tpi              /
                   /__________________________/

                      Cow Stored as Binary Information.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY
 
      Democracy does not guarantee equality, only equality of opportunity.

                                                         -- Irving Kristol

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Days it would take to exhaust Ross Perot's fortune if it were used
       to pay the interest on the federal deficit: 6

                                                        -- Harper's Index
                     MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR

 the PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

 the DAVID DUKE VIRUS: Makes your screen go completely white.

 the TED KENNEDY VIRUS: Crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.

                                                      -- Virus Research Center

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

         Dollars spent by the average U.S. household on auto insurance
         for the past 10 years: 8910

         Amount received by the average household in claims during that
         period: 600

         Percentage of premiums retained by the insurance companies: 93

                                                    -- Consumer's Union

                                COW FOR THE DAY

                              )\               (__)
                             /  \              (oo)
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                Cow trying out for a part in the new JAWS movie

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Number of digits needed to dial a single phone number through Sprint
      using the Discover card: 42
                                                       -- Consumer's Union

                     MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR

   the CHICAGO FLOOD VIRUS: Looks just like one of those "aquarium" screen
                            blankers, but the fish are real and your monitor
                            is full of water.

   the SCUD MISSLE VIRUS: Crashes the computer in the next room.

   the PATRIOT MISSLE VIRUS: Attempts to remove the Scud Missle Virus from the
                             computer in the next room.

                                                      -- Virus Research Center

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

Rank of Pat Paulsen, amoung candidates winning the most votes in North Dakota's
Republican primary in June: 2
                                            -- Secretary of State, North Dakota

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           Excuses are the nails used to build the house of failure.

                                                       -- Don Wilder

                             COWS FOR THE DAY

           (__)                                     (__)
         /   oo      ______                       /   @@      ______
        |  /\_|     |      \                     |  /\_|     |      \
        |  |___     |       |                    |  |___     |       |
        |   ---@    |_______|                    |   ---@    |_______|
     *  |  |   ----   |    |                     |  |   ----   |    |
      \ |  |_____                                |  |_____
       \|________|                         *____/|________|

             CompuCow                      CompuCow After an All-niter

                              QUOTES FOR THE DAY

           Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger
           of taking educated people seriously.
                                                 -- G. K. Chesterton

           Imagination is more important than knowledge.
                                                  -- Albert Einstein

                           QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           Yesterday's gone down the river, and you can't get it back.

                                -Larry McMurtry (from "Lonesome Dove")

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Tons of trash generated by the Rio Earth Summit in June, per DAY 7

                                                                    -- AP

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           It's amazing to see the number of persons taking ego trips
           with so little luggage.

                                      -"Kup's Column" (Chicago Times)

                             COWS FOR THE DAY

             (__)                                   (__)
           /   --      ______                     /  .\/.     ______
          |  /\_|     |      \                   |  /\_|     |      \
          |  |___     |       |                  |  |___     |       |
          |   ---@    |_______|                  |   ---@    |_______|
          |  |   ----   |    |                *  |  |   ----   |    |
          |  |_____                            \ |  |_____
    *____/|________|                            \|________|

    CompuCow Asleep at the Keyboard       CompuCow Discovers Bug in Program

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        Croatian to Charles Barkley: "Did our team scare you tonight?"
        Charles Barkley to Croatian: "Nah.  Y'all weren't that ugly."

                                              -- Mike Downey, LA Times

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Change, like sunshine, can be friend or foe, a blessing or a curse,
      a dawn or a dusk.
                                                   -- William Arthur Ward
 
                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I can't believe those juice people.  They put watermelon and tomato and
    broccoli and carrots together and they drink it.  I get the same result
    from the garbage disposal but I don't drink it.
                                                         -- Richard Kaufman

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                     90 Percent of the game is half mental.

                                              --Yogi Berra

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

         Dollars spent by the average U.S. household on auto insurance
         for the past 10 years: 8910

         Amount received by the average household in claims during that
         period: 600

         Percentage of premiums retained by the insurance companies: 93

                                                    -- Consumer's Union

                             COWS FOR THE DAY


                   (_____)                       (Big Mac)
                    \0 0/                      _____________
           _________(o o)                     /             \
         / |          U |                      XXXXXXXXXXXXX
        *  | /______  _ |                     \_____________/
           || ||    || ||

            this is a cow...               this is a cow on drugs

                             Any questions??

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  The irresistible rise of desktop publishing has proven that the idea of the
  "paperless office" was a rather silly sales myth dreamed up by technologists
  with a far better grasp of microprocessors than of human behavior.

                                                            -- Michael Schrage

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Ratio of NBC Olympic Triplecast sales expected to those actually sold: 10:1

                                                                   -- LA Times

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

                                                   -- Werner Von Braun

                              QUOTES FOR THE DAY

            I want an American family that is more like the Waltons
            and less like the Simpsons.
                                                     -- George Bush

         Hey, man.  We're just like the Waltons.  We're waiting for the
         depression to end, too.
                                                        -- Bart Simpson

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         I am a great believer of luck, and I find that the more I work,
         the more I have of it.
                                                       -- Steven Leacock

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   CROCODILES: What the phone company was left with after people switched to
               push-button phones
                                                              -- Johnny Hart

                              COW TIPPING

                 Step 1.                       Step 2.

                      (__)
                      (--)
               /-------\/                     O--------O_
              / |     ||                     /| ::     |_)
             *  ||w---||                    * O--------O
                ~~    ~~

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.

                                                        -- Alexandra Penney

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

        You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.

                              COW FOR THE DAY

                                   @@@@@
                                 @@\0 0/@@
                                   (o o)
                                **  |U|  **
                               ***(     )***
                               //  \   /  \\
                              //    ***    \\
                                  *******
                                ***********
                              ***************
                            *******************
                           *********************
                           *********************

                                 Cow Belle

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of countries that have issued at least one Elvis Presley
         postage stamp: 13
                                                    -- Linn's Stamp News

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Only great pain is the ultimate liberator of the spirit.

                                                         -- Nietzche

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Years it would take a Nike worker in Indonesia to earn Michael Jordan's
     endorsement fee: 44,492
                                           -- Sung Hwa Corp., Julie Strasser

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        Getting people to like you is only the other side of liking them.

                                                  -- Norman Vincent Peale

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

            Percentage of reduction in U.S. natural gas production as
            a result of Andrew's damage to Gulf of Mexico facilities: 5

                                                   -- James Tanner, WSJ

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            You can't schedule creativity, only the results of it.

                                               -- Albert Einstein.

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

        Percentage of people classified as "poor" by the U.S. government
        that owned their own homes in 1989: 40

        Number of "poor" people that own homes valued at more than
        $300,000: 75,000

                                                        -- Census Bureau

                               COWS FOR THE DAY

               /\                                               __
              {__}                                            _[__]_
              (oo)                                            /(oo)\
       /-------\/                                       /------@\/@
      / |  +  ||                                       / |     |@@
     *  ||----||                                      *  ||----||
        ^^    ^^                                         ^^    ^^
       Sacred Cow        Zen Cow (eating grass)         Hasidic Cow

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of people who die while waiting for a kidney transplant
         to be available, per day: 6

                                    -- United Network for Organ Sharing

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         We must view young people not as empty bottles to be filled,
         but as candles to be lit.
                                                 -- Robert H. Shaffer

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Price paid at Christie's East auction house for a pair of
           Kiler Bee antennae from "Saturday Night Live": $605

                                                         -- Playboy

                               COWS FOR THE DAY

                  /\
                 /  \                 (__)                      __
                 (oo)                 (oo)                     (oo)
           /------\/            /-ooo--\/                /------\/
          /|      |            /|o | o |                /|      |
         * ||----||           * ||o^o ||               * ||----||
           ^^    ^^             ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^
                                                                   
          "Conehead" cow      Anti-war cow         Sinead O'Connor Cow

			     QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason.
       I have never used any other, and I trust I never shall.

                                                          -- Thomas Paine

                           THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   Expect people to be better than thay are; it helps them to become better.
   But don't be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to keep trying.

                                                              -- Merry Browne

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

                                                   -- Woody Allen

                            COWS FOR THE DAY

                (())                      (())                    ||||
                (oo)                                              (oo)
          /------\/                       (OO)              /------\/   
         /|      |                  /------\/              /|      |    
        * ||----||                 /|      |              * ||----||    
          ^^    ^^                * ||----||                ^^    ^^    
                                    ^^    ^^                            
        Don King cow        Don King cow after           Buckwheat cow      
                           getting electric shock        (Otay? Otay!)

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

      PARAPSYCHOLOGIST: One who, seated in the park near a riding academy
                        and hearing hoofbeats approaching, expects a
                        unicorn to round the corner.
                                                           -- James Randi

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

        Number of calories in a chocolate chip cookie baked according to
        Hillary Clinton's recipe: 68

        Number of calories in a chocolate chip cookie baked according to
        Barbara Bush's recipe: 75

                                                        -- Family Circle

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

       Number of the world's vampires who live in the United States: 550

       Number who live in Romania: 3

                                          -- Vampire Research Center, NY

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

                Number of defendants in criminal cases in Japan
                that are found guilty, per 100 tried: 99

                               -- Supreme Court of Japan, Tokyo

                             COW FOR THE DAY
                                          _______
                                         /       \
                                 (__)   (  !ooM   )
                                 (oo) --'\_______/
                          /-------\/
                         / |     ||
                        *  ||----||
                           ~~    ~~
                               Dyslexic Cow

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         I just had plastic surgery -- they took all my credit cards...
         except for my Discover card, which nobody takes...

                                                       -- Wendy Liebman

                           DITTY FOR THE DAY

                      I have a spelling checker,
                      It came with the company PC
                      It plainly marks four my revue
                      MIstakes I cannot sea.
                      I've run this poem threw it,
                      I'm shore your pleas to no,
                      It's letter perfect in it's weigh,
                      My checker tolled me sew.

                           -- contributed by Frank Kelly

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         World's record for fastest rap, held by Chicago's Tung Twista,
         in syllables per second: 10
                                      -- Guinness book of Records, 1993

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   The whole country is talking about family values and decency, yet the most
   popular movie of the year has a woman dressed like a cat licking a man
   dressed like a bat...and I don't even want to guess how the man in that
   penguin suit fits in...
                                                       -- Jim, "Murphy Brown"

                                COW FOR THE DAY
                                     _______
                                    |   |   |
                                    |___|___|
                                    |\_____/|
                                    |       |
                                    |_______|
                                _   |   _   |
                       /-------//   |--(_)--|
                      / |     ||    |_______|  (__)
                     *  ||----||    |       |  (++)
                        ^^    ^^    |_______|   \/

                          Marie Antoinette's Cow

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Average MPG of the Environmental Protection Agency's fleet of cars: 6.3

                                                                  -- Reason

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

Number of balloons dropped by the Democrats during the 1992 convention:  60,000
Number of balloons dropped by the Republicans during their convention:  250,000

                                                                      -- Reason

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

             Number of people injured by jewelry last year: 43,000

                             -- Consumer Product Safety Commission

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                       Chance favors the prepared mind.

                                       -- Louis Pasteur

                             COW FOR THE DAY

                                 (__(  .-<
                                 (oo)  |
                               ___\/___|
                              |  |  |
                              |  |  |
                            >-'  |  |
                             *----/\
                                 /  \
                                /    \
                                ^     ^
                             Egyptian Cow

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                   Man's self-interest is God's providence.

                                  -- Adam Smith (1723-1790)

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

          Name of the cat that lives at the Spencer Public Library in
          Spencer, Iowa: Dewey R. Books (The R stands for "Readmore")

                                                     -- Cats Magazine

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I never panic when I get lost.  I just change where it is I want to go.

                                                             -- Rita Rudner

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 From now until Election Day, chances that a pollster will call you: 1,140 to 1

                                                                   -- USA Today

                             COWS FOR THE DAY

             (__)                     (__)                     (__)
             (\/)                     ($$)                     (**)
      /-------\/               /-------\/               /-------\/
     / | 666 ||               / |=====||               / |     ||
    *  ||----||              *  ||----||              *  ||----||
       ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^                 ^^    ^^

    Satanic cow               Yuppie cow               Cow in love

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

   Intel has announced the name of its new microprocessor.  Noooo, not "586,"
   but "Pentium."  Until now, Intel labeled its successive generations of PC
   CPU's with numbers ending in "86," as in "286," "386," but Intel has
   been unable to win trademark rights to those numbers.  The switch to a
   non-numbered name should make it easier to protect against the clones.

   Among the suggested, and rejected names, for the new chip: Cinco de Micro,
   Memory Lane, Millennium Starchip, and 586-Not.

                                      -- Adapted from The Wall Street Journal

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Vote for the man who promises least.  He'll be the least disappointing.

                                              -- Bernard Baruch (1870-1965)

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            A politician is a statesman who approaches every question
            with an open mouth.
                                       -- Adlai Stevenson (1900-1963)

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       It doesn't matter who you vote for, the Government always gets in.

                                             -- graffito in London, 1970s

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

                                    -- George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

    Number of speaking phrases available for the Teen Talk Barbie doll: 270

    Number of phrases found offensive to women
            by the American Association of University Women (AAUW): 1

    Offensive phrase: "Math class is tough!"

    Suggested replacement: "Math class is easy!"

                                                            -- News sources

                             COW FOR THE DAY
                                        ________
                               (__)    /        \
                               (oo)   ( Squeak!! )
                        /-------\/  --'\________/
                       / |     ||
                      *  ||----||
                         ~~    ~~
                             A Cow-mon Mistake

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                I never vote for anyone.  I always vote against.

                                      -- W.C. Fields (1879-1946)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                        Whatever it is, I'm against it.

                                        -- Groucho Marx


                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   There are no constraints put on your work; consequently there is no excuse
   for doing anything less than excellent work.

                                    -- Producer with the Film Board of Canada

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Number of notches below child molesters that politicians are,
          according to Woody Allen in "Annie Hall": 1

                                                   -- Harper's Research

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    If it weren't for the people, all we'd be is a bunch of drafting tables.

                                         -- Partner in an architectural firm

                            QUOTE FOR VETERANS DAY

                     In Flanders fields the poppies blow
                     Between the crosses, row on row...

                               -- John McCrae (1872-1918)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        The best don't need rules and the worst won't be helped by them.

                                                             -- Voltaire

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      The purpose of education is to make the young as unlike their parents
      as possible.
                                                          -- Woodrow Wilson

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Unless American industry and other institutions begin to act on the need for
 quality in today's world, we are all going to be second-class citizens.  It's
 no longer American industry vs. American industry.  It's American industry vs.
 the world.  Being involved with total quality is not just being nice, and it's
 not something that we like to do just for the fun of it.  It's essential for
 survival.
                                 -- James R. Houghton (Chairman, Corning, Inc.)

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

         Rank of Toshiba, Mitsubishi and Hitachi in last year's holders
         of new U.S. patents: 1,2,3

         Number of Japanese language programs in U.S. schools: 860

                                 -- Anne Eisenberg, Scientific American

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Year that Amtrak plans to stop dumping human waste along its tracks: 1996

                                                       -- Amtrak (Washington)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Number of members of the Young Black Teenagers, a rap group, who are black: 0

                                                         -- Soul Records (NYC)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Ratio of manufacturers' coupons printed last year to the number of bills
    printed by the U.S. Treasury: 4/1

            -- NCH Promotional Services (Ilinois)/U.S. Dept. of the Treasury

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    The Lord gave us two ends -- one to sit on and the other to think with.
    Success depends on which one we use the most.
                                                             -- Ann Landers

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Number of people killed during high-speed police chases in the Southern
    California area in the last two weeks: 10 1/2

    Number of those killed that were innocent bystanders: 8 1/2

                                                            -- News sources

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of postal stamps with Evis' picture on them ever released
         in the U.S.: 1

         Number of Elvis postal stamps ever released in the island of St.
         Vincent, British West Indies: 9
                                                              -- LA Times

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                      No quote today, I'm hibernating.

                                  -- The Official Turkey

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality.  The last
      is to say "Thank you."  In between, the leader is a servant.

                                                            -- Max De Pree

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly.

                                                 -- Anatole France

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Average number of armed bank robberies in Los Angeles, per DAY 1

                                                      -- Prime Time Live

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well.

                                                        -- Sir William Osler

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      ...corporate and personal tax hikes [are] widely expected under the
      incoming Clinton Administration.
                                                -- LA Times Staff Writers

                            IN THIS DAY IN HISTORY

    December 7,1941 - The date the Nazis first used gas to exterminate Jews
    (in Chelmno, Poland).  Average number of bodies burned per DAY 2000

                                                                   -- Shoah

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  Consumer's Union, publisher of "Consumer Reports" magazine, recently took a
  survey asking readers how they use TV remote controls.  It turns out men and
  women use them differently.

  Fully 85% of the men confessed they "channel surf" -- flicking, clicking, and
  zapping between channels.  Only 60% of the women said they used a remote that
  way.

  Why the differences between sexes?  Comedian Jerry Seinfeld suggested:
  "Because women nest and men hunt."

                                               -- Adapted from Consumer Reports

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Expertise grows out of hard work and, to some extent, luck.  It's hard work
  that develops a skill base, and it's often luck that gives us the chance
  to apply that base.

                     -- William G. Pagonis (Desert Storm Logistics Commander)

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  Only 14 more shopping days until Christmas...

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                Only 19 more shopping days until the New Year...

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

             Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   The problem with government is that it scratches where there ain't no itch.

                                                         -- Hodges Observation

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Serbs and Croats are so much alike that the only way they can tell each other
  apart is by religion.  And most of them aren't religious.  So the difference
  between Serbs and Croats is that the Serbs don't go to Eastern Orthodox
  services and the Croats don't attend mass.  And the difference between Serbs
  and Muslims is that five times a day the Muslims don't pray to Mecca.

                                                               -- P.J. O'Rourke

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the
    right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

                                                            -- Dorthy Nevill

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      One night I was so drunk...I took home a "10"...but when I woke up,
      the decimal point had moved over to the left...
                                                        -- George Wallace

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Retirement benefits that will be paid to George Bush in 1993, expressed
    as a percentage of his previous salary: 169

                                       -- Ellen Shultz, Wall Street Journal

                STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Last-Minute Pet Gift Dept.)

   Price of an eight-week course in acting for dogs, including room and board,
   at Kamer Canine College in North Hollywood: $4,150

                                               -- Kamer Canine College, NH, CA

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                Mrs. Claus to Santa: "You smell like a chimney."

                                                     -- Shanahan

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                               MERRY CHRISTMAS!

                                    -- S. Claus

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                                 HO! (etc.)

                                    -- S. Claus

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                              Your condom or mine?

                -- "Love & War," quoted by Rick Du Brow, LA Times

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Number of years it took before the Vatican agreed with Galileo's premise
    (in 1632 AD) that the Earth revolved around the Sun: 360

                                                             -- news sources

                           STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Percentage of Super Bowl viewers who do not live in the United States: 89

                      -- A.C. Nielsen Media Research/National Football League

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Number of new laws passed by the California Legislature last year, most of
   which went into effect on January 1: 1,386
                                                              -- news sources

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of years in office Saddam Hussein will celebrate this summer: 13

                                                         -- The New Republic

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         No nation should be allowed to start [a war] until they've paid
         for the last one.
                                                          -- Will Rogers

                               IN MEMORIAM

     DIZZY GILLESPIE (1917-1993): His arms were too short to play trombone,
                                  so he took up trumpet.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                  Watch your thoughts; they become words.
                  Watch your words; they become actions.
                  Watch your actions; they become habits.
                  Watch your habits; they become character.
                  Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

                                                 -- Frank Outlaw

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Pounds of sugar eaten by the average person, per year, according to Cher: 40

                                                                -- LC Research

                               STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Total number of points made by Michael Jordan in his professional basketball
  career, as of last FriDAY 20,000
                                                               -- news sources

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Rank of Iraqi army, in size, among the world's armies,
              just before the Gulf War: 4
                                                             -- Nova

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           Officials are not yet ready to say the drought is over...

                                                     -- KABC-TV News

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid
            than to open it and remove all doubt.

                                                     -- Mark Twain

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

   The practice of astrology took a major step toward credibility today when,
   as predicted, every Scorpio was run over by an egg truck...

                                                              -- Cartoon quip

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  I never dated Amy Fisher.  I fixed her car.  I helped her with her homework.
  I never laid a hand on Amy Fisher.

                                                            -- David Letterman

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Number of times Theodore Roosevelt used the pronoun "I"
              in his second inaugural speech in 1905: 0

                                              -- Walter Cronkite, PBS

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Don't roll sticky labels backwards in your printer.  Chances are good
      that they'll peel off and gum up the works.

                                                             -- Rick Letowt

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

             Chances that a member of the thrash-metal band Anthrax
             lives with his parents: 2 in 5

                                      -- Elektra Entertainment, NYC

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Rank of the United States, among all countries, in arms sales
          to Somalia since 1985: 1

                              -- U.S. Arms Control & Disarmament Agency

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    If you wish to understand how an electronic device works, make yourself
    very small, enter the device and look around.  If you are observant,
    you can see what makes it function.

                            --Charles Litton (founder of Litton Industries)
                              (His drug of choice: unknown)

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

     Approximate market value of all IBM stock, in billions of dollars: 27
  Approximate market value of all Microsoft stock, in billions of dollars: 27

                                                                  -- LA Times

                               STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Price of a lunch of lobster, asparagus, and poached pears,
            at the Treasury Department executive dining room: $4.75

                                            -- U. S. Dept. of Treasury

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             If you want to succeed, be as ready to fall in love
             with someone else's ideas as you are with your own.

                                                   --Judith Rich

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                        How much ground round
                        Would a groundhog hog
                        If a groundhog were ground round?

                                            -- Walt Kelly

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Percentage of former Yugoslavs seeking asylum that the United States
      has agreed to accept: 0.0016

      Percentage Germany has agreed to accept: 41

                                                    -- United Nations, NYC

                         HIGH-TECH: GOD'S FAX NUMBER

 The Israeli government's telephone company, Bezek, has set up a special line
 on which people can fax their secret requests to God.  The Jerusalem number is
 612-222.  For no extra charge, messages received there from around the world
 will be brought to the Western Wall and put in its cracks.

                                                              -- The New Yorker

                               NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  Hartford, Connecticut, residents have had it easy for the last three years.
  Thanks to a computer error, none has had to serve on a federal grand jury.
  The city's name had been listed in the wrong place on their records, forcing
  the "D" into the column for personal information.  This caused the computer
  to think all Hartford resident were dead.
                                                                     -- Reason

                        ORTHOGRAPHIC DIAGRAM FOR THE DAY
                  
                      
                      
                      
              /ߺ====                                 
             /                                           
            /                                        ܺ
           /                                         /   ====
          /                                     /           
         -----                                -    
                                 

     Before Shaquille O'Neal                  After Shaquille O'Neal

                                                     -- drawing by Scott Shupe

                   (If you don't get it, ask any sports fan)

                              CHALK TALK FOR THE DAY

                      |
                   / =|
                  /   |--\   /                           |
                 /        | |                          /=|
                /                                    /   |--\   /
               /                                   /         | |
          =========                           ==========
     Before Shaquille O'Neal                After Shaquille O'Neal

                                                     -- drawing by Scott Shupe

                   (If you don't get it, ask any sports fan)


                       INSPIRATIONAL POEM FOR THE DAY

                         ELEMENTS, by Henry Gibson

                         I used to like fresh air;
                         When it was there.
                         And water, I enjoyed it.
                         Till we destroyed it.
                         Each day, the land's diminished.
                         I think I'm finished.

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Percentage of Russian government revenue that comes from Vodka production: 10

                                        -- Vladimir Treml, Duke University, NC

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                  I love to think of nature
                  as an unlimited broadcasting station
                  through which God speaks to us every hour,
                  if we will only tune in.

                                 -- George Washington Carver

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   [Due to the new administration's policies] It appears increasingly likely
   that [most Americans] will pay higher taxes...

                                      -- David Lauter, LA Times Staff Writer

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

     GEORGE WASHINGTON: The last President who was elected the hard way --
                        without telling a lie.
                                                        --Annel and DeWood

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        The computer, when properly used, is a wonderfully useful slave.

                                                       --Mario Salvadori

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                 Accidents are a fool's explanation for destiny.

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                Change in number of U.S. farms since 1900: -58%

   Change in the number of Dept. of Agriculture employees since 1900: +2000%

                                                   -- Paul Engleman, Playboy

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Ratio of the amount the Ford Motor Company spent last year on health care
    to the amount it spent on steel: 1/1

                                                         -- Ford Motor Co, MI

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                           Mud slung is ground lost.

                                  -- Chinese Proverb

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

          It's time to take the bull by the tail and look the situation
          squarely in the face.
                                                         -- W.C. Fields

                              DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

    FRIENDS: People who know the truth about you and love you just the same.

                                                               -- Ruth Brown

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

           Sparrows who emulate peacocks are likely to break a thigh.

                                                   -- Burmese Proverb

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me -- but deep
   down I know that's not true.  Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

                                                              -- Robert Orben

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            The point to remember is that what the government gives,
            it must first take away.
                                                  -- John S. Coleman

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

                                       -- Mark Twain or Benjamin Disraeli

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     The easiest way to find more time to do all the things you want to do
     is to turn off the television.
                                                          -- O.A. Battista

                  QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Chicken Little was right!)

  The earth's climate seems to be cooling down.  (Meteorologists) are almost
  unanimous in the view...
                                                 -- Newsweek, April 28, 1975

  The atmosphere may be reaching the limit of its capacity to absorb emitted
  carbon dioxide [which will cause] a disastrous greenhouse effect (global
  warming).
                                                   -- Newsweek, June 1, 1992

                 STATISTICS FOR THE DAY (Down On The Farm Dept.)

            Percentage change in number of persons working on farms
            from 1950 to 1990: -70

            Percentage change in number of persons working for the
            US Dept. of Agriculture for the same period: +53

            Present ratio of bureaucrats to full-time farmers: 1/6

                                        -- Karl Zinsmeister, Reason

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                        A closed mouth gathers no feet.

                                         -- Marty Klein

                  THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Surgeon's Quandary)

              Oops -- I cut it off again and it's still too short.

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                       Beans, beans, the musical fruit;
                       The more you eat, the more you toot.

                                              -- Mel Brooks

                 POEM FOR THE DAY ("Affectionate Light Bulb")

                   I have a 75 watt, glare free, long life
                   Harmony House light bulb in my toilet.
                   I have been living in the same apartment
                          for over two years now
                   And that bulb just keeps burning away.
                   I believe it is fond of me.

                                       -- Richard Brautigan

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

     Number of hours it took to cross the USA in a record-breaking electric
     vehicle test run by Chrysler: 158

     Ratio of time spent recharging batteries to traveling time:  3:1

                                                                -- LA Times

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

              Beginning rock hounds take everything for granite.

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    The nice thing about folk music is that if you don't get it today, it'll
    wait for you.  The music has power, that's why it survives.  It just has
    to be passed on.
                                                             -- Mary Travers

        STATISTIC FOR THE DAY (Vaudeville is Dead, Long Live Vaudeville!)

            Percentage change, since 1991, in sales of rubber chickens
            at House of Magic in San Francisco: +150

                                               -- House of Magic, (SF)

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Ratio of the number of licensed gun dealers in the United States to the
    number of gas stations: 6/5

                      -- Josh Sugarman, Violence Policy Center (Washington)

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Percentage of the parts in each new Chrysler Concorde, "the renaissance
    of the American car," that are imported: 28

                                                     -- Chrysler Corp. (MI)

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 After being visited by 8,600 people, an image many believe was the Virgin Mary
 disappeared from the fabric blinds at a Las Cruces, New Mexico, home when a
 light bulb in the room burned out.
                                                    -- Albuquerque Journal (NM)

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

            ACQUAINTANCE: A person we know well enough to borrow from,
                          but not well enough to lend to.

                                                     -- Ambrose Bierce

                           DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                   RICHES: The reward of toil and virtue.
                                -- J.P. Morgan, financier

               RICHES: The savings of many in the hands of one.
                                -- Eugene Debs, labor organizer

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   A show business award is like a social disease; nobody really deserves it,
   but if you screw around long enough, you'll get one.
                                                              -- Richard Jeni

           QUOTE FOR THE DAY (How to Bite the Hand that Feeds Me Dept.)

    I look forward to the time when tributes like this [the Oscars] will be
    no longer necessary...when people will be judged for their work.

                                                        -- Barbra Streisand

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked
     by the foot.
                                                            -- Leo Tolstoy

                            NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY

      In a stunning joint announcement today, attorneys for Laurence Powell,
 Stacy Koon and Rodney King stated that the video tape used in the ongoing
 civil rights trials had been faked.  Said Officer Koon, "It was all a college
 prank, see?  We were just having some fun and it got out of hand."
      Said Mr. King, laughing, while tending the hamburgers at the BBQ
 he threw for the now-acquitted officers (who have been his friends for years),
 "Yes, that's right; we were just rehearsing for a show.  The blows only look
 real because of the carefully chosen camera angles.  In Hollywood you can
 fake anything."
                                                    -- as reported by I. Lirpa

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

       Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

                  THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The "Rule Of Accuracy")

         When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps
         if you know the answer.

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

              I believe in making the world safe for our children,
              But not for our children's children,
              Because I don't think children should be having sex.

                                                    -- Jack Handey

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   DENTIST: A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins
            out of your pocket.
                                                            -- Ambrose Bierce

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                 Those who can't teach -- administrate.
                 Those who can't administrate -- run for office.

                                                -- H. L. Mencken

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              We [the police] will not be sitting in command posts
              waiting for something to happen.

                    -- Los Angeles Police Chief Willie L. Williams

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                        Why doesn't Hillary get a job?

                                       -- Art Buchwald

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Average number of laps around the new White House jogging track
        required to burn off the calories in one Big Mac: 21

                                                   -- Harper's research

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Amount the federal government spent each day last year
            on "intelligence": $79,000,000

            Amount President Clinton has proposed cutting from the
            budget of the CIA: 0

                                    -- New York Times, White House

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Number of cardigan sweaters worn by Mr. Rogers on his TV show since 1968: 24

                                         -- Family Communications (Pittsburgh)

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Percentage of U.S. spies in East Germany since 1948 who proved to be
      double agents, according to the CIA: 100

                                  -- Anon. former CIA analyst (Washington)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Time until, due to earth movement around the San Andreas Fault, San
    Francisco and Los Angeles are suburbs of each other, in years: 5,000,000

                                                                      -- PBS

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

  The statute [that the L.A. officers were convicted under in the Rodney King
  trial] came from the Civil Rights Act of 1871...[its] main purpose was to
  thwart the Ku Klux Klan's efforts to maintain a campaign of violence against
  newly freed slaves...
                                                           -- Amy Stevens, WSJ

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         When you have 100 TV crews but not one firetruck, that's not a
         well thought-out plan, that's box office.

                                  -- Rep. James A. Traficant Jr. (Ohio)

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Ratio of the number of millionaires in Bill Clinton's cabinet
          to the number in George Bush's: 1/1

                                            -- U.S. News & World Report

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Estimated percentage of the U.S. population that has seen
            Disney's film "Aladdin": 20
                                                          -- LA Times

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Any administration that can put out a press release on "The First 100 Days"
  on day #96 is looking ahead.
                                                             -- Harry Shearer

                               STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of rolls of cherry-flavored Lifesavers Frank Sinatra's contract
     requires be provided backstage at each show: 12

                                                         -- Washington Post

                               STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Percentage change, since 1991, in the circulation of "Women & Guns
       Magazine": +50
                                    -- Women & Guns Magazine, Buffalo, NY

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 Some say the strongest force on earth is nuclear fusion.  I say it's parental
 guilt, the endless worry that unless some benefit or other is made available
 to one's offspring, they won't succeed in life.
                                                       -- Walter Mossberg, WSJ



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