This file: CA 1987-1993
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CA 1987
OBSERVATION FOR THE DAY
Apathy is becoming a major problem, but who cares?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
By the time a man can read a woman like a book,
he is too old to collect a library.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm only God when I get paid.
-- George Burns
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If I'd known I was going to live this long,
I'd have taken better care of myself.
-- Eubie Blake, on his 100th birthday
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Eschew Obfuscation.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I can take reality in small doses, but not as a life style.
-- Lily Tomlin
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Profanity is the crouton of inarticulate Muthafuckuhs.
-- Russell Palmer
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun lyin' anymore.
-- Norm Petersen, "Cheers"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sex is only a substitute, food is the real thing.
-- Al Goldstein, publisher of "Screw" magazine
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain
the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing.
-- J. B. Colbert, French Statesman, ca. 1665
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Never eat at a place called "Mom's", never play cards with a man named "Doc",
and never sleep with a woman whose troubles are greater than your own.
-- Nelson Algren
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I want to thank my parents for not practicing birth control.
-- Dustin Hoffman, at Academy Awards Ceremony
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's a cruel world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
- W.C. Fields
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
- James Thurber
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
We shall never understand one another until we reduce the language
to seven words.
- Kahlil Gabran
GRAFFITI OF THE DAY
Lassie kills chickens.
- found at Pierce College
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We don't cite for gridlock. That's considered a moving violation.
-- Ron Silagyi, LA Traffic Control Officer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Everything's either concave or -vex,
So whatever you dream will be something with sex.
-- Piet Hein
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.
- Victor Borge
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Sharp's Solid Thinking Law: Crystal Balls aren't really very productive.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature
is in session.
-- Judge Gideon Tucker (ca 1866)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Life is only a test; if it were real, we would have received more instructions.
-- Sandie Jost
***** NOTICE *****
Due to the Hollywood writer's strike, the last two day's quotes
have been reruns.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
What we see depends mainly on what we look for.
-- Contributed by Cathi Thompson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Ask not for whom the bell tolls
and you will pay only the station-to-station rate.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
TRIVIA QUESTION FOR THE DAY
What are the names of the three California Dancing Raisins?
(Answer will be given tomorrow)
ANSWER TO YESTERDAY'S TRIVIA QUESTION
According to the California Raisin Advisory Board, The names of the three
California Dancing Raisins are:
Tiny Goodbite, Justin X. Grape, and Ben Indasun (with the sunglasses).
First prize (a box of raisins, what else?) goes to PETER ARKIN, who supplied
the correct answer first (with the help of his wife).
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The early bird suffers from insomnia.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Jazz is for people who are determined to feel good in spite of all that's bad.
-- quoted by Gary Owens, KKGO
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Observation)
Remember on your walk through life, the grass made greener on the other side
of the fence is caused by "pasture pies".
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Those who like sausage or political policy should not watch it being made.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather
and ask for it back when it starts to rain.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Second Theory of Relativity)
If your parents didn't have children, odds are you won't either.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Gambling Dept.)
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most.
-- Contributed by Janet Vargas
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
I can't even believe in skepticism anymore.
-- David Pavlovitch
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Newton's little-known seventh law)
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If your cow doesn't give milk, sell him.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The world is full of winners and losers. Here's hoping you're one of 'em.
-- Norm Petersen
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Dr. Tobias' Conclusion)
The secret of good health is eating a raw onion a day. The trouble is,
nobody can keep it a secret.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Frisch's Law)
It takes one woman nine months to have a baby, no matter how many men
you put on the job.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Negative Reformulation of Frisch's Law)
You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
"Catch-22" is a Marxist novel. Those Marxists being Groucho, Chico and Harpo.
-- Prof. John Raeburn
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Some people object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A "peace-loving nation" is one which bans fireworks and makes hydrogen bombs.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A Sandwich is an attempt to make both ends meat.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Smut, I'm pleased to say, is in the eyes of the beholder.
-- Tom Lehrer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The more people who agree with us, the less nagging insecurity about
our position.
-- Alan Watts
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When there is good news, and it is NEWS, we do report it, but usually news
is a record of human failures. Those wanting to celebrate human accomplishment
are...advised to go to the sports section.
-- Linda Ellerbee
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Dogs that can sniff out bombs would be invaluable in Hollywood, wouldn't you
say? They'd save the studios millions.
-- Raymond Burr
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A kiss is a precedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech
at a moment when words are superfluous.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
People in Hell - where do they tell someone to go?
-- Red Skelton
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When the rhythm section ain't makin' it, go for yourself.
-- Ben Webster
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Family reunions are all relative.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
People never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
from religious convictions.
-- Blaise Pascal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A lot of Michael's success is due to timing and luck. It could just
as easily have been me.
-- Jermaine Jackson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Einstein's Theory of Relatives)
The number of person's relatives is directly proportional to his fame.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[My motion picture] cartoons were never made for children. Nor were they made
for adults. They were made for me.
-- Chuck Jones, Animator
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Sex is a misdemeanor - the more you miss, da meaner you get.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Birth Control is avoiding the issue.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Soul music should always be played in the key of "be natural."
-- Mose "Groove" Satin, contributed by David Pavlovitch
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Laocoon's Law of Improbable Generosity)
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but do check for Greek soldiers
elsewhere in its anatomy.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Behind every successful woman there is a man...or two.
-- A. Nonny Mouse
CORRECTION
According to informed (and biased) sources, yesterday's thought should have
read:
Behind every successful man there is a successful woman.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Loneliness is a good thing to share with someone.
-- "Coach", Cheers
*************************** ANNOUNCING TRIVIA CONTEST *************************
Do you know the words to the song "Louie, Louie"? If you do, send them to me
by electronic mail. The first person to supply the complete, correct lyrics
(all verses) wins a prize!
-- Laddie
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If at first you don't succeed - so much for skydiving.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Next to the dog, the wastebasket is man's best friend.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Everyone should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Laddie's Law of Mathematical Science)
Variables won't; constants aren't.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion)
There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
We are the people our parents warned us against.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The law of probable dispersal)
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Curiosity kills more mice than cats.
WISE ADVICE FOR THE DAY
Never plunge the Blob.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You are not a carpenter until you've run one finger through the saw; if you run
too many fingers through the saw, you're not a carpenter.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Pray as if it were up to God, but work as if it were up to you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
He who blows his horn the loudest, does so because he's usually in a fog.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When we played softball, I'd steal second, then feel guilty and go back.
-- Woody Allen
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Best sports event I remember was the two hookers at Polly Adler's.
-- Milton Berle
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
All the world's an analog stage, and digital circuits play only bit parts.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The doggone computer is man's best friend.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A pipe gives a wise man time to think
and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You can definitely make mistakes, but you cannot make mistakes indefinitely.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Many people grow grapes - for raisins of their own.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Most pigs end up making hogs of themselves.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
What some people lack in intelligence, they more than make up for in stupidity.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The strong take from the week,
the rich take from the poor,
and the government takes from everyone.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Mirrors are twice as good as windows - you only have to clean one side
to see clearly.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
What the large print giveth - the small print taketh away.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It takes a whale 48 hours to gather a day's meal, leaving them almost no time
for water sports or reading Melville.
-- Max Shulman
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Some people fish in the sea of life with no bait.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Love is a matter of chemistry; Sex is a matter of physics.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Scientists say that the upper atmosphere is becoming poluted with leftover
space junk from satelite launches. How about a future TV program -
"STAR DREK: The Trash Generation"?
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Anybody who says money can't buy happiness - doesn't know where to shop.
-- Jackie Gleason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Freedom doesn't mean reciting a loyalty oath on command. They have that kind
of freedom in the U.S.S.R. American freedom means the right NOT to recite
a loyalty oath if - for reasons of religion, politics or simple perversity -
you don't want to.
-- Michael Kingsley in TIME, 09/12/88
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If the automobile business had developed like the computer business, a
Rolls-Royce would [today] cost $2.75 and go three million miles on a
gallon of gasoline.
-- Stuart Gannes in FORTUNE, 08/01/88
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,
you're carrying it too far.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Cliff's Law)
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
ATTENTION!
Due to the current drought, the Los Angeles Water Dept. says:
"Don't waste water - dilute it!"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Treat an adult like a two-year-old and you'll get two-year-old results.
-- contributed by Alan Zak
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Olympic Dept., Part 1)
Greg Louganis turned air and water into gold.
-- NBC commentator, 09/26/88
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Olympic Dept., Part 2)
To the victors go the specimen bottles.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you're right.
-- Henry Ford, conrtibuted by Mark Frederick
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When you tell everyone what you know then the only thing you leave them
to focus on is WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.
-- Contributed by Nancy Sain
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Q: What's the difference between a fairy tale and a trucker's story?
A: A fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." and a trucker's story begins
"Now, this ain't no shit..."
-- New Yorker, 09/12/88
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Winning isn't everything, but losing sucks.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Never, NEVER play leapfrog with a Unicorn.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If polls are so accurate, why are there so many polling companies?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The only way to make something foolproof is to keep it away from fools.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
I lit my fire. I greased my skillet. And I cooked.
-- Charlie (Yardbird) Parker
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (King Solomon's Law for 500th wife)
It's going to be plenty soft for you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Dogs are no good, because the sons of bitches (and they are, you know)
wet on flowers.
-- W.C. Fields
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (HEAVY POLITICAL THOUGHT DEPT.)
Potentially, a government is the most dangerous threat to man's rights: it
holds a legal monopoly on the use of physical force against legally disarmed
victims...It is not as protection against private actions, but against
governmental actions that the Bill of Rights was written.
-- Ayn Rand
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ADVICE (from those who should know)
Mort Saul: Vote NO.
Jeff Sedario: Democracy is a privilege, but this year we should be paid
to vote.
Pat Paulsen: I'm not right-wing or left-wing. I am middle-of-the-bird.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The pot at the end of the rainbow is not Acapulco Gold.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
But you perceive, my boy, that it is not so, and that facts, as usual,
are very stubborn things, overruling all theories.
-- Prof. Von Hardwigg/Jules Verne
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Rule for Survival #1)
Beware of the doctor whose wife sells cemetery lots, whose brother owns a
granite quarry, and whose father deals in spades.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible...
and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.
-- Victor Borge
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The elections are over - let the indictments begin!
-- Mack & Jamie
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Haiku Dept.)
Just like a fortune
I had gathered up my youth
Then I spent it.
-- Paul Rubenfeld (as a child), AKA Paul Rubens, AKA Pee-Wee Herman
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Definition of Las Vegas: A town where you can do so well that you can arrive
in a $20,000 Cadillac and leave in a $50,000 bus.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Definition of a comedian: A guy with a good memory who hopes no one else has.
-- Red Skelton
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's a lot easier to hate a country than hate a person.
-- Alex Keaton, "Family Ties"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If a pickpocket meets a saint, he sees only his pockets.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
LEOPARD: A dotted lion.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
ICEBERG: A permanent wave.
-- Mickey Mouse
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
ILLEGAL: A sick bird.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
CAREFUL DRIVER: One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light.
-- Ralph Marterie
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong.
I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
QUOTE OF THE DAY
In Heaven: The police are British, the cooks French, the lovers Italian --
and it's all organized by the Germans.
In Hell: The police are French, the cooks British, the lovers German --
and it's all organized by the Italians.
-- Wall Street Journal, 11/21/88
QUOTE OF THE DAY
...Chess. You can learn it in an afternoon
and spend the rest of your life mastering it.
-- Adam Green
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
DACHSHUND: A Great Dane after taxes.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (SOUSA'S OBSERVATION)
Some instruments in a drum-and bugle corps are purely cymbolic.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The "Beautiful Princess" Law)
Before you meet any handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Personally, I used to believe in reincarnation,
but that was in a previous lifetime.
-- Paul Krassner
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We have met the enemy, and they is us.
-- Walt Kelly ("Pogo")
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Don't take life so serious -- it ain't nohow permanent.
-- Walt Kelly
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
How do you get a camel through the eye of a needle?
First you run the beast through a meat grinder...
-- Art Young
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
GEOLOGIST: A scientist who won't take Noah for an answer.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We do diddly do
What we must
Muddily must
Until we bust
Bodily bust
-- Kurt Vonegut, contributed by Sybil
INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE COMMON COLD ('Tis the Season Dept.)
Studies involving volunteers exposed to the elements show that cold, wetness,
and drafts don't increase the chances of catching a cold. And Arctic explorers
never get colds...unless they receive visitors. Colds occur more often in
wintertime, when people crowd together indoors and have more chances to infect
one another...It's probably easier to catch a cold by shaking hands than by
kissing...Studies of kissing couples -- one with a cold, one without -- found
that osculation seldom led to inoculation.
-- Consumer Reports, Jan 1989
QUOTE OF THE DAY
It ain't braggin' if you done it.
-- Dizzy Dean
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (A Mother's Law)
Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.
****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ******
THE REAGANS NARROWLY ESCAPE AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE DEVIL!!!!
[The Reagans] bought the 7,192-square-foot ranch-style house at 666 St. Cloud
Road in Bel-Air for $2.5 million. In February, the address was officially
changed to 668 on city records because of the "mutual concern" of the Reagans
that the old number could be construed as a Biblical reference to Satan...
-- from "THE REAGANS: First Family Easing Into Private Life", LA Times, 11/19/88
QUOTE OF THE DAY
If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave?
-- Frazier Crane, "Cheers"
****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ****** NEWSFLASH ******
WHEN IN SHANGHAI, DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE!
"China's leading industrial city of Shanghai has recently been recognized as
one of the cities without bedbugs by the National Bedbug Control Appraisal
Group. For many years, the city had kept bedbug density below the state
standard."
-- from a press release by the New China News Agency English Language Service
MOTTO FOR THE DAY
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
MOTTO FOR THE DAY
The human mind is like a parachute - it functions best when it is open.
W.C. FIELD'S MAXIM FOR THE DAY
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking
when you're interrupting.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
No hospital staff physician is totally worthless;
he can always be used as a horrible example.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
PARROT: A bird with the ability to imitate man,
but not the intelligence to refrain from doing so.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Political Dept.)
[Berkeley, California] is a town in which half the people are seeking to
overthrow the federal government while the other half are seeking the
perfect croissant.
-- R. Howard Bloch, WSJ 01/11/89
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former
slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together
at the table of brotherhood.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PATRIOTISM: The conviction that this country is superior to all others
because you were born in it.
-- George Bernard Shaw
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
JOURNALISM: Literature in a hurry.
-- Mathew Arnold
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
TWINS: Wombmates
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Folk music? Man, I don't know any kind of music but folk music. I ain't
never heard a hoss sing a song.
-- Louis Armstrong
DEFINITION OF THE DAY (Jr. Division)
LAW OF GRAVITY: One of the first laws passed by Congress. It says no fair
flying without an airplane.
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
LAWYER: One skilled in circumvention of the law.
-- Ambrose Bierce
DEFINITION OF THE DAY
POLES: People who say "Thank God for that big buffer state between us and
Red China."
-- Victor Zorza
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's better to be mooned than shot at.
-- Jack Smith
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Demagogue Dept.)
Every channel, every satellite, every radio, every television ought to belong
to God's people. We should have possessed it many years ago. But we let the
devil have it. And, oh, he took it, yes he did. He was glad to have it.
Satan has been using the airwaves with impunity for many years to curse and
damn the soul of men and women, boys and girls...and we let it happen.
-- Paul Crouch, Trinity Broadcasting Network
DEFINITION OF THE DAY (Nautical Division)
MERMAID: Not enough fish to fry and not enough woman to love.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
TV ads always show detergents getting out blood stains. I say if you have
a T-shirt full of blood stains, maybe laundry isn't your problem.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan
couldn't tell the difference.
-- Mort Sahl
PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE
Have you often wondered how to spot a drunk driver? Well, wonder no longer!
The following fascinating revelation is quoted in entirety from a pamphlet
supplied by LA Cellular Telephone Company:
CLUES TO SPOT A DRUNK DRIVER
Driving without headlights on.
Weaving and crossing the road/wide turns.
Driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driving 10 MPH below the legal limit.
Nearly striking an object.
Acceleration changes.
Tires on center line.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
-- Lily Tomlin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Husbands think we should know where everything is -- like the uterus is a
tracking device. He asks me, "Roseanne, do we have an Chee-tos left?" Like
he can't go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.
-- Roseanne Barr
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Architecture is the triumph of human imagination over materials, methods,
and men, to put man into possession of his own earth.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I read where Nancy Reagan got a humanitarian award. Sure glad she beat out
that conniving bitch Mother Teresa.
-- Jay Leno
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Ten million mothers freebase -- and I blow up!
-- Richard Pryor
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I used to want to save the world; now I just want to leave the room
with some dignity.
-- Lotus Weinstock
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic
who doesn't own a car.
-- Carrie Snow
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm dating a girl now. Evidently she's not aware of it.
-- Garry Shandling
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
GOVERNMENT: A group of men organized to sell protection to the inhabitants
of a limited area at monopolistic prices.
-- Maxwell Anderson
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
GOD: The hero of a book called the Bible.
-- Nelson Glueck
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FILING CABINET: A place to lose things alphabetically.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic.
-- Arthur C. Clarke
EPITAPH FOR THE DAY (Professional Waitress Dept.)
She never kept a thirsty man waiting for his ale,
and always brought him a wee bit more than a pint.
-- Lillian Huxley, "Cheers"
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FATHER: A man who, in praising his son, extols himself.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Civilization Marches On Dept.)
Salman Rushdie obviously didn't anticipate that his rich, teeming hyper-modern
novel would find itself judged by the hidebound tenets of the medieval mind --
a mind that needn't read a book to condemn it.
-- John Powers
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Grammy Award Dept.)
On my boyfriend's face.
-- Lita Ford (when asked if she works out)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Living-In-A-Slum Dept., Part One)
In my neighborhood, we say "Yo" to drugs.
-- Jay London
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Living-In-A-Slum Dept., Part Two)
I swear my roaches have military training. I set off a roach bomb,
they defused it.
-- Jay London
POEM FOR THE DAY
Shake and shake
The catsup bottle
None will come,
And then a lot'll.
-- Richard Armour, who died last Tuesday at 82
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old.
-- George Burns
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the Gods.
-- Emo Phillips
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Tortelli men:]
Draw women like flies,
Treat women like flies,
And their brains are in their flies.
-- Carla Tortelli, "Cheers"
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
STRIPTEASER: A girl who looks well in anything she takes off.
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
ACTOR: A person who can walk to the side of a stage, peer into the wings filled
with dust, other actors, stagehands, old clothes and other claptrap, and
say "What a lovely view there is from this window!"
-- Variety
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Cole's Law)
Thinly sliced cabbage.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The publisher of the London Star (a sort of National Enquirer for scone-eaters)
has taken a survey indicating that the three most attention-getting words for
the British audience are (in order) "sex", "win", and "free". The chap said
that if he could run a contest with a banner reading "Win Free Sex!" he'd be
the only newspaper left in London.
-- (continued tomorrow) Jeff Duntemann in Dr. Dobb's Journal, April 1989
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'd have to say that the [three most attention-getting] words to American eyes
are "murder", "UFOs" and "Elvis". (Which makes one long to run a story with
the headline, "UFOs Murder Elvis!")...
-- Jeff Duntemann in Dr. Dobb's Journal, April 1989
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Infants speak many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The great thing about television is if something REALLY important happens,
night or day, ANYWHERE in the world, you can always change the channel.
-- Jim Ignatowsky, "Taxi"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
In the sixth [inning]...Dodger right fielder Mike Marshall discovered that the
ball carries much better in Anaheim if it doesn't touch the ground until after
clearing the fence.
-- John Weyler, L.A. Times
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DEMOCRACY: The worst form of government except for all the other systems
which have never been tried.
-- Winston Churchill
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To live forever, acquire a chronic illness and take care of it.
OBSERVATION OF THE DAY
When a body is immersed in water -- the telephone rings.
-- Archimedes G. Bell
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Inspect every piece of pseudoscience [such as Astrology or ESP] and you will
find a security blanket, a thumb to suck, a skirt to hold. What have we
[science] to offer in exchange? Uncertainty! Insecurity!
-- Isaac Asimov
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Ross's Law)
Bare feet magnetize sharp objects so that they always point upward from the
floor -- especially in the dark.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A home is ruled by the sickest person in it.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Betty Ford built a hospital, hired doctors and spent millions of dollars trying
to end the drug problem. Nancy Reagan comes along and says, "Just say no."
If "Just say no" works, wouldn't Betty Ford feel like an idiot? And isn't this
the way the Reagans solved every social problem? What's that, you're homeless?
Just say "Camping". Abused child? Just say "Ouch!"
-- Tom Shiekman, founder of "Comedy IQ" Club
OBSERVATION OF THE DAY
One of the nice parts about heading toward middle age is that you can find all
your favorite music in the bargain bin.
-- Ken Floyd, quoted by Burton Hillis
LIMERICK FOR THE DAY
The owl from his perch in the trees,
Doesn't bother to prey on his knees;
Preferring instead
To rotate his head
Three hundred and sixty degrees.
-- Nancy White, as quoted by Jack Smith
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Ethel Merman can hold a note longer than Chase Manhattan Bank.
-- George Gershwin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Pubic hair is nature's way of teaching us to floss.
-- The Playboy Advisor
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you steal from one person it's plagiarism. If you steal from several
people it's research.
-- Linda Ellerbee
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Women - you can't live with 'em, and you can't shoot 'em.
-- Steven Wright
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Men - you can't live with 'em, and you can't shoot 'em.
-- Mae West (?)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Pavlov's Principle)
When the bell rings, there had better be some supper.
LUNCH NOTE (Crude Humor)
Due to the Valdez oil spill, when we are served fish for lunch, please tell
Walter if you want Regular, Ethel or Unleaded.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Home is a place where, if you have no place to go, they gotta take you in.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is truly said that the good die young.
That's the reason for all of my fears!
So let us be evil and wicked and bad,
and stay here for thousands of years."
-- Nipsey Russell, Match Game '69, contributed by Scott Smith
LUCILLE BALL (1912-1989)
She's not gone - she's just playing to a larger audience.
-- Karen Pope
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Screw U. Dept.)
I think the movies look better in color, pal, and they're my movies.
-- Ted Turner, when asked why he has old films colorized
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY (Crude Humor Dept., Part 2)
Q: What's an Exxon Cocktail?
A: 10 million gallons on the rocks.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Today's quote has been recalled for service.
CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!! ****** CONTEST!!
Chemists Stanley Pons of the University of Utah and Martin Fleischmann of the
University of Southampton in England recently announced the results of one of
their experiments. They claim to have produced nuclear fusion in the
laboratory at temperatures far below what most scientists believe is possible,
using simple and cheap apparatus.
At a news conference recently, one questioner asked Pons: "Are you Prometheus,
Pandora, or Piltdown Man?" (His reply was "No comment.")
There is a prize waiting (worth at least $3.95!!) for the first person to best
interpret or explain the interviewer's query; that is, what is the symbolism
of the three P's? All entries must be sent to me by electronic mail and I
will be the sole judge of all entries. All entrants must be current
employees of this company, full or part time.
How you obtain the answer is up to you, but torturing me is out (Sorry!).
-- Laddie
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Quayle Droppings Dept.)
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that
I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
-- Dan Quayle (with tongue in cheek?)
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Education is what you get from reading the small print.
Experience is what you get from not reading it.
HOMILY FOR THE DAY
He who gets too big for his britches gets exposed in the end.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
THIS IS SNIGLET WEEK!
What is a sniglet? It is a word that inadvertently got left out of the
dictionary (after all, Mr. Webster has only so many hands). For example,
the special mixture of popcorn butter and Coke syrup that covers the floors
of movie theaters as called CINEMUCK.
If you have some sniglets to contribute, send them to me by electronic mail.
Credit to the above goes to Rich Hall.
SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
A car which when left unattended in a parking lot attracts shopping carts is
called MAGNACARTIC.
-- Rich Hall
SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
The largest French Fry in a bag is called the POTENTATER. Likewise, the
smallest one is the MINUTATER.
-- Rich Hall
SNIGLET FOR THE DAY
Someone who cuts through a corner gas station to avoid a red light is called
an ESSOASSO.
-- Rich Hall
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Read Books - they may be burned tomorrow.
-- Seen in a North Hollywood bookstore
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Money doesn't buy you happiness, but it does get you a better class of enemies.
-- Bob Lake's Dad
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Jacuzzis.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
...we saw the Dino De Laurentiis version of "The Bible." Later we discussed
the implication of Abraham being prepared to slay his son because God told him
to do it. I dismissed that as blind obedience. Abbie [Hoffman] praised it
as revolutionary trust.
-- Paul Krassner
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
COMPOSE: To remember a tune nobody else has thought of.
-- Robert Schumann
QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Who's On First Dept.)
The following conversation ensued when Pittsburgh Mayor Sophie Masloff, 71,
asked the town council about an upcoming summer concert by "The How":
Stadium Chairman Whitmer:"Not the How, The Who"
Masloff: "The who?"
Whitmer: "Yes."
Masloff: "Is there a Who group and a How group?"
Senator Scanlon: "What the hell is The How?"
Stadium Staff G. Baron: "There isn't a group called The How as far as I know."
-- L.A. Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Halitosis is better than no breath at all.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You win some, you lose some, and some get rained out,
but you gotta suit up for them all.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sooner or later, everything good gets packaged.
-- Calvin Trillin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy --
but that could change.
-- VP Dan Quayle
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The difference between Speaker Wright and Elvis Presley is that everyone knows
Wright is dead.
-- anon., Capitol Hill
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When I was a kid, I had a dream - to be an astronaut
and land on the planet Jayne Mansfield.
-- Al Bundy
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I still like radio better than TV...I told the NAB (National Association of
Broadcasters) convention that it was all a question of timing. If TV had
come first, people would talk about the great invention radio that does away
with all those unsightly pictures.
-- Phyllis Diller
HOMILY FOR THE DAY
Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a good carpenter to build one.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The main trouble with democracy is that the people eventually realize they can
vote themselves the treasury; then you have anarchy.
-- H. L. Mencken
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The less you say, the less you have to take back.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DRAMEDY: Two-hump comedy.
-- Robin Williams
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
NINTENDO: Kiddie Cocaine
-- Robin Williams
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm expecting a second child soon. Actually, my wife is, but they say the
father shares in the birthing experience along with the mother. That must
be true only if you're used to passing a bowling ball.
-- Robin Williams
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
My parents did a pretty good job of bringing us up. They raised us
by the book. Unfortunately the book was "The Shining."
-- John Ashby
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I do believe in ghosts - but most of them are waiters in restaurants.
They take your order and vanish.
-- Bill Murray ("Mr. Ghostbuster")
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, he would have
made us narrower.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
To go to bed late and get up early,
Makes a man cross, mean and surly.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Poverty is not "caused" or created: it is the default condition of the human
race, the absence of advanced economic development...It is wealth that must
be "caused." In a capitalist, free society, wealth is the consequence of a
lifetime of commitments honored.
-- Robert Sheaffer
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you take a bale of hay and tie it to the tail of a mule and then strike
a match and set the bale of hay on fire, and if you then compare the energy
expended shortly thereafter by the mule with the energy expended by yourself
in the striking of the match, you will understand the concept of amplification.
-- William Shockley (Inventor of the transistor)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One man's nudity is another man's erotica is another man's soft-core
pornography is another man's hard-core obscenity is another man's boredom.
-- Father Bruce Ritter
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Painter's Rule of the Road)
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights will make a left.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Old boomerangs are hard to throw away.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Mark Twain's Law of Fisticuffs)
Place your nose firmly between your opponent's teeth and throw him heavily to
the ground on top of you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral, and inadequate.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Time is nature's way of preventing everything from happening at once.
-- Woody Allen
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem. They know how it's done, they've seen it
done, but they're unable to do it.
-- Ed Asner (obviously no fan of critics)
(Twisted) PROVERB FOR THE DAY
Money is like an eel in the hand; slippery and wiggly, but ever so tasty.
-- Matt Groening
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I think it would be a good idea.
-- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western Civilization
QUOTES FOR THE DAY (Opposing Viewpoints Dept.)
Legal abortion is the biggest health advance of our times.
-- Robin Schneider, CARAL
Abortion stops a beating heart.
-- Seen on a billboard
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently
there must be a beverage.
-- Woody Allen
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am!
Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, and it rained.
-- Woody Allen
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Leon called me in [in 1937] and asked me if I could do a pig -- a fine thing
to ask a Jewish kid. The guy they were using actually had a stutter and
used up yards of film. But I could st-st-stutter and ad lib in rhythm.
-- Mel Blanc (1907-1989), the voice of Porky Pig, Bugs Bunny, Barney Rubble,
Daffy Duck and many other cartoon characters
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want to Know Dept.)
What if the opposite sex are all really Martians?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Paradox Dept.)
How do you really know for sure when a question has been answered?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want to Know Dept.)
What if everone in the world is a robot except me?
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I heard Elvis singing "Blue Moon of Kentucky, keep on shining," and I said,
"Wow, looka right here. I don't know who this dude is, but somebody done
opened the door." -- Jerry Lee Lewis
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I know a pill that makes you feel good, but it has a terrible side effect --
it wears off.
-- Jim Ignatowski
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
-- Michael Davis
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If most auto accidents happen within 5 miles of home,
why not move 10 miles away?
-- Michael Davis
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If a cat lands on its feet, and bread lands butter-side down, what happens
if you butter the top side of a cat?
-- Michael Davis
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Kids Want To Know Dept.)
Did people in the old days realize how corny they were?
-- Matt Groening
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
No matter where or what, there are makers, takers, and fakers.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Hindsight is always 20/20.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Childrearing Dept.)
You've got to teach your kids when they're young. Show them how to mix that
drink and work that blender. How to keep things real cool on ice. Keep that
fridge stocked. How to use a credit card.
-- John Candy
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Japanese [tape] decks use 160 nanowebers per meter, while Europeans use 250
nanowebers...What's a nanoweber? Beats the shit out of us -- sounds like
something you get by tossing Robin Williams onto a charcoal grill...
-- The Playboy Advisor
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Just remember that you are absolutely unique - just like everyone else.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Most convicted criminals appeal to judges.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
It's better to copulate - than never.
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY (Non-Discrimination Dept.)
The London Fire Brigade, responding to the government's asking why only
thirty-three women were among its 6800 firefighters, dropped its unisex
requirement that all firefighters have at least a thirty-six-inch chest
(expandable to thirty-eight).
-- Quoted in the LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
After subtracting the studio's presumed $127 million in total costs, Time
Warner appears to keep about $263.6 million [from Batman]. Even allowing
for taxes and all the other expenses that we may have missed along the way,
that's a lot of bat bucks.
-- Michael Cielply, LA Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The masses are the opium of religion.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Mother Nature's Truisms Dept.)
Turtles never hurdle.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk,
and cut with an ax.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
-- Bumpersticker
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
LIGHTYEAR: The same as a regular year, only fewer calories.
-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I think the 60's were better in the 60's.
-- Eric Moser, at a Woodstock revival concert
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Remember - no matter where you go, there you are.
-- Prof. Irwin Corey
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The First Law of Experts)
You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The alternative to getting old is depressing.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY
Always remember to take the shrink wrap off your record albums,
cause thin kids can get inside and suffocate.
-- Garry Shandling
ADVICE FOR THE DAY (The Secret-Of Success Law)
Discover all unpredictable errors before they occur.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Taped to a wall in the Voyager imaging team's offices was the Neptune Pledge:
"We, the undersigned, hereby apologize for any sharp words, testiness or
downright rudeness which might occur during the heat of the Neptune encounter."
But only half of the team members bothered to sign.
-- from a Wall Street Journal article
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You have deliberately tasted two worms and you can leave Oxford
by the next town drain.
-- Prof. Archibald Spooner, when dismissing a student
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if
a man bites a dog, that is news.
-- John Bogart
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We have the best congressmen that money can buy.
-- Jo Ann Dearing
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A friend is someone who sympathizes with our troubles when they're not so bad,
and laughs at our jokes when they're not so good.
-- Mark Twain (at least according to Louis DePalma)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Those who fail History are destined to repeat the course.
-- "Gas-s-s-s"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A "government subsidy" is getting just some of your own money back.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[A movie is] 2 hours out of your life that you don't get back in the end.
-- Gene Siskel
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Going to see [the Universal attraction] "Earthquake" [in Southern California]
is like going to see a war movie in Beirut.
-- Fritz Coleman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm liberal on some issues and conservative on others. For example, I would
not burn a flag, but neither would I put one out.
-- Garry Shandling
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
After traditional enemies (the French and the English) and warlike people (the
Scandinavians) adopted democracy, their governments started exchanging
diplomatic notes rather than gunfire; and the United States has never fought a
war against another democracy. Two hundred years is a short run, yet it is
conceivable that modern democracy may be a grander development than we have
suspected -- one that is capable of changing human behavior, or even human
nature.
-- The New Yorker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If necessity is the mother of invention, go explain the Pet Rock.
-- Joan Rivers
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If necessity is the mother of invention, who's the father?
-- Henry Tucker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's not the most intellectual job in the world,
but I do have to know the letters.
-- Vanna White
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm a salami writer. I try to write good salami, but salami is salami.
-- Stephen King
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'm talented and flexible. I could play Hamlet, even though I look like
King Kong.
-- Mr. T.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If I had it to do over, maybe I'd try something else. Something easier. It
might not be as much fun. But it might be interesting. Take it again, from
the top?
-- Irving Berlin (1888-1989)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish
to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
-- Ann Landers
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be
beating up on people.
-- Sugar Ray Leonard
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Dept. of Flag Disposal)
My favorite recent [Supreme Court] decision was the discovery of one's legal
right to bar-b-que the Red, White and Blue. The decision had the primary
ingredients of greatness: a huge principle (that's why they call it the FIRST
amendment), a seemingly tough call, and a Public Reaction Coefficient in the
billions...Offending people is what free speech inevitably does; elsewise the
right to free speech would be a superfluous use of constitutional ink...George
[Bush] should be given a Freedoms Foundation medal for missing the point --
the Bill of Rights was crafted specifically to keep the politicians from
pandering to mass sentiment by cutting corners on individual rights...
-- Thomas Hazlett in Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Three Musketeers? No, I haven't read the book, or seen the movie,
but I've had the candy bar.
-- Garry Shandling
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Long-Long Range Planning Dept.)
Yellowstone [National Park]...sits on one of the hottest spots on earth,
with intense volcanic activity stewing below, and with more geysers, hot
springs, mud pots, and steam vents than exist in all the rest of the world.
An ill-defined caldera, or giant crater, that pocks the heart of the park
has been following a cycle of heating and bulging and exploding every six
hundred thousand years. It has been estimated that the most recent eruption
-- about six hundred thousand years ago -- released more than a thousand
times the explosive power of the Mount Saint Helens blast, covered much
of the United States in ash, and blotted out the sun for a year. The caldera
is puckering again, and scientists suspect that it is is due to erupt soon --
perhaps within the next few hundred thousand years.
-- Thomas Hackett, New Yorker
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The pen is mightier than the pencil.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The Monty Python comedy group had planned to celebrate their 20-year
anniversary this week, but Graham Chapman (no relation) died of cancer and
the party was cancelled. According to Terry Gilliam, "This is the worst
case of party-pooping I've EVER seen."
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One night I got so lonely I drew a face on my vacuum cleaner.
Donald Maltby, "Brothers"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I couldn't make it as an actor - I remember doing Hamlet, going "To be...
... .... ... (line?)"
-- Robin Williams
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[My Dad and I] had an argument, then later that night he died. And I always
felt guilty because I never could say "I'm sorry", then one day I realized
that he couldn't either.
-- Billy Crystal
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Say something entirely new and say something different,
and the world will pay good money to hear it.
-- Rob Reiner
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Each day in Rangoon [Burma], crowds gathered downtown...under banners calling
for "DEMOCRACY." But on September 19th [1988], in a action that now seems
almost a blueprint for what happened in China nine months later, soldiers
took to the streets and the roofs and gunned down anyone in sight. The
government decreed that from that day on outdoor political gatherings
of more than four people would be fired upon. It kept its word... Early
this year, it seems, the government decided to build footbridges spanning
some of the major downtown streets... The explanation for the overpasses
seems to be that the Army found it inconvenient to fire on demonstrators
from roofs. Lining up on a footbridge would be much more efficient.
--Stan Sesser, "A Rich Country Gone Wrong", The New Yorker
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
If you received a wrong-number phone call asking if you were the Panamanian
Consolate, what would you do? What would you do if you were an actor?
Kurt Rappaport is, and got such a call from KTTV, channel 11 last Tuesday.
Rappaport answered that it was indeed the consulate, and received an invitation
to appear on TV as a Panamanian spokesman. He put on a suit and tie, dug out
an old pair of glasses, and picked up a false mustache at the Hollywood Costume
& Magic Shop on the way to the station. He was broadcast, phony accent,
ersatz mustache and all, on the nightly news as "Arturo Valdez", chairman of
the USA-Panamanian Friendship Council, with a diatribe aimed at Manuel Noriega.
Rappaport said he has not heard from KTTV since news of the hoax broke Friday
night. "I don't know why," he deadpanned. "They've got my number."
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
In thirty years I don't know where I'll be, but I hope I'm happy
and I hope I don't have gas.
-- Billy Crystal
NEWS FLASH!
Effective immediately, the official song of San Francisco is changed from
Tony Bennett's "I left My Heart..." to Elvis Presley's "I'm All Shook Up."
NEWS FLASH! (Dept. of Good Taste)
Universal Studios announced yesterday that their amusement ride, "Earthquake"
will be closed in recognition of recent events. Apparently Good Taste is only
48 hours long, because the ride will reopen tomorrow.
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CONURBATION - An extremely large, densely populated urban area, usually
a complex of suburbs and smaller towns together with one large city at
their center.
-- Webster's
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
This was NOT the big one.
-- many experts
QUOTES OF THE DAY (Sky-High Dept.)
Superman don't need no seat belt.
-- Muhammad Ali, when asked to buckle up in an airliner
Superman don't need no airplane, either.
-- Flight attendant
NEWS FLASH OF THE DAY (Monkey Si, Monkey Doo Dept.)
Harvard anthropologists have been following sick chimpanzees around in the
jungle observing what they eat in an effort to heal themselves. Biochemist
Eloy Rodriguez believes that this could lead to new medications effective
against bacteria and viruses. The name for the vegetation collected?
"Plants of the Apes," of course.
-- L.A. Times
NEWS FLASH OF THE DAY (Your Govt. Hard At Work Dept.)
When the Feds set up a sting operation in 1986 to see if it was really possible
to corrupt the democratic system, they were astonished...Establishing a phony
[California] private firm, the G-men requested legislation entitling the
company to government subsidies. In a tribute to reponsive government, the
bill was drawn in a flash and zipped through both houses without opposition.
The FBI agents, worried that they had tampered with the process, then notified
the Governor, who vetoed the measure. But they had to tell him.
-- Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I was walking in Beverly Hills, and out of nowhere,
Zsa Zsa jumped out of the bushes and kicked my ass.
-- Howie Mandel
RUMOR CENTRAL
There is NO truth to the rumor that we is converting to Drive-Thru Service.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Far-sighted Journalism Dept.)
In 1919, Robert Goddard, who was later to be called "the father of modern
rocket science" wrote a paper describing a multi-stage rocket that could take
a payload to the moon. The New York Times chuckled that Goddard lacked even
"the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." Forty-nine years later,
with Apollo II circling the moon, the Times ran a correction. "It has now
been definitely established that a rocket can function in a vacuum. The
Times regrets the error."
-- Smithsonian
MEDIA UPDATE
According to LA Times TV critic Howard Rosenberg, this fall season has been
mostly a flop. To replace the soon-to-be cancelled shows, he suggests these:
"Wise Goy." Drama/Intrigue. An undercover Gentile infiltrates the Jewish
Defense League.
"Me." Interview. Each week Barbara Walters is interviewed by a different
celebrity.
"Dif'rent Notes: The Adventures of Bing Cosby." Comedy. A white family
adopts a pipe-smoking, tiny black crooner who constantly irritates them by
singing Christmas Carols.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Doublespeak Dept.)
Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.
-- Senator Orin Hatch, quoted by Jack Smith
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Did you hear the Burbank Zoo had to close? Their duck died.
-- Johnny Carson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Happy Hunter's Prayer)
Let me meet a girl who already has had enough to drink.
RUMOR FOR THE DAY
Betty Crocker uses a mix.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
God must love stupid people, He made so many of them.
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
In South Carolina, state Rep. Mike Fair heard that promoters were trying to
book the Rolling Stones in the University of South Carolina Stadium. Outraged
that such a lewd group might perform on university grounds, Fair drafted a bill
to stop them. In part, the bill bans any act in which "male or female gentiles
are displayed." Presumably Jews, and gentiles of indeterminate sex, are
allowed.
-- Reason
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
You don't have to be a cannibal to get fed up with people.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
People ask stupid questions for a reason.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Sachel Paige's Law)
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
One man's meat is another man's poison, or, kitty heaven is mousie hell.
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None - they don't do hardware.
-- Pamela Kane
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
-- "Shock Treatment"
ACHTUNG!
Will the last person to leave East Germany please turn off the strudel?
-- Roger Simon
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You know you're in love when you're willing to share your cash machine number.
-- Elayne Boosler
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Cold War History Dept.)
[During John F. Kennedy's visit to Germany] One old hand at the consulate spent
a day vainly trying to de-Bostonize the President's pronunciation of "Ich bin
ein Berliner" without catching the syntactical slip that made him actually
say, "I am a jelly doughnut."
-- Tom Carson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The reason why television is called a medium is because nothing on it
is well done.
-- Fred Allen
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The money is always there. Only the pockets change.
-- Gertrude Stein
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
BARBARA WALTERS: You've been married forty-two years. What makes your
marriage work?
ROBERT MITCHUM: Lack of imagination, I suppose.
-- "A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love," ed: Jon Winokur
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Rank of drugs, among the "gravest domestic threats facing our nation,"
according to President Bush: 1
New antidrug funds proposed by the Bush administration, expressed as a
percentage of the federal budget: .065
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of network news coverage of President Bush when he is out of the
country that is negative: 19
Percentage of coverage when he is in the country that is negative: 43
Estimated percentage increase on sales of horseshoes since George Bush
took office: 20
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of fax machines in the Gaza Strip, Israel: 15
Number of fax machines in the Gaza strip whose use the Israeli government
has suspended: 15
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Chances that a first-time cigarette smoker will become addicted: 9 in 10
Chances that a first-time user of cocaine will become addicted: 1 in 6
-- Harper's Index
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Age after which Mick Jagger has said that he'd "rather die" than still be
performing "Satisfaction": 45
Estimated amount Mick Jagger, 46, earned each time he performed "Satisfaction"
on tour this fall: $10,000
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.
-- Bumper Sticker
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"LIVE LONG AND PROSPER"
-- SPOCK
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Stupidity got us into this mess; why can't it get us out?
-Will Rogers, contributed by David Pavlovitch
PROFOUND THOUGHT FOR THE DAY ('Tis the Season Dept.)
Jingle bells,
Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way...(etc.)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of filing cabinets full of jokes in Bob Hope's fireproof vaults: 33
Number of these that contain jokes he has not yet used: 17
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Americans who said last year that they didn't know enough about
Dan Quayle to form an opinion: 25
Percentage who said this in September 1989: 45
Percentage of Americans who know what a Whopper is: 90
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the total weight of the earth's population to that of its termite
population: 1 to 10
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of pets blessed at the Feast of St. Francis at New York's Cathedral of
St. John the Divine this fall: 1000
Number of bowls of algae blessed: 1
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount by which cash deposits exceeded cash withdrawals at banks in Miami
in 1988: $4,488,124,000.00
SIGNS OF THE SEASON
1. Chestnuts roasting over an open fire
2. Speilberg nipping at your wallet
-- Maratta
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sometimes shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and hoo ya gonna call?
-- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters 2
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
When the tough get going, the weak get screwed.
SIGNS OF THE SEASON
1. Chestnuts roasting over an open fire
2. Speilberg nipping at your wallet
3. Larry Drago checking the dictionary weekly
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you don't do anything, you get out of practice.
-- Alvena Lind
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Nothing is [so] responsible for the good old days as a bad memory.
-- attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If there's a tassel on the menu, you can add a couple of dollars per person.
-- Andy Rooney
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is very hard to predict,
especially about the future.
-- Niels Bohr
LAST CHANCE!
Do you have a New Year's resolution you want to share with us? Send it by
electronic mail to the user NEW_YEAR by 5PM today. It can be serious or
funious, we'll fearlessly publish it in the next Bulletin.
-- the Data Dudes
POEM FOR THE DAY
I kind of like the playful porpoise,
A healthy mind in a healthy corpus.
He and his cousin, the playful dolphin,
Why they like swimmin like I like golphin.
-- Ogden Nash
POEM FOR THE DAY
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can't be blamed for harboring grudges.
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
-- Ogden Nash
OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY
The cow is of bovine ilk;
One end is moo, the other, milk.
OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY
The lord in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
OGDEN NASH POEM FOR THE DAY
The pig, if I am not mistaken,
Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.
Let others say his heart is big --
I call it stupid of the pig.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Books won't stay banned. They won't burn. Ideas won't go to jail. In the
long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost. The only
sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas.
-- A. Whitney Griswold
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hill wrote a book that established "The Peter
Principle", which states: "In a hierarchy, individuals tend to rise to their
level of incompetence." The book was rejected by 13 publishers until Peter
wrote an article for the L.A. Times applying the principle to Ronald Reagan,
Pat Brown and Sam Yorty. When it was finally published, it sold 8 million
copies, earning its author enough to retire.
Laurence Peter reached his own level of incompetence when he died last Friday.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is very hard to predict, especially about the future.
-- Neils Bohr
NEWS FLASH FOR THE DAY
Baltimore police arrested Thomas Waddell, twenty-five, in October for stealing
thirty live homing pigeons, valued at several hundred dollars, from a neighbor.
An officer had found him walking oddly down the street because twenty-one of
the pigeons were stuffed in his clothes. The officer said, " He looked like a
Michelin tire ad."
-- Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If Jesus were a football player, he'd play fair, he'd play clean,
and he'd put the guy across the line on his butt.
-- Barry Rice, football player for Jerry Falwell's Liberty University
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When an elephant flies, it shouldn't be criticized for doing it badly.
-- Joe Campbell
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount it will cost the Nicaraguan government to hold the elections
scheduled for this month, per voter: $14
Average monthly income of a Nicaraguan : $25
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated total amount convicted drug traffickers in the United States owe
in criminal fines: $108,000,000
Total amount New York City drivers owe in parking fines: $461,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times Tammy Faye Bakker mentions crying in her two books "I Gotta Be
Me" and "Run to the Roar": 60
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage change, since 1974, in the amount of commercial air traffic
in the United States: +100
Percentage change, since 1974, in the number of commercial airports
in the United States: 0
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of Harlequin romances Americans bought last year, per hour: 7,191
-- Harper's Index
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Murphy's Twelfth Law)
You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY
The clean-air fink squad is looking for a few good tattlers. You can join by
simply calling 1-800-CUT SMOG the next time that you see a car belching thick,
black smoke from its tailpipe.
-- LA Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you can smile when everything goes wrong - you must be a repairman.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn
in no other way.
-- Mark Twain
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There are no new jokes, but a joke is new if you have never heard it before.
-- Bob Hope
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Minds, like attics, need to be cleaned out once in a while.
-- Malcolm Forbes
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (You Tell 'Em Dept.)
Minds, like attics, need to be cleaned out once in a while.
-- Malcolm Forbes
So take some acid.
-- Nancy Sain
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.
-- Barbara Walters
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Television tends to present news as a succession of melodramas, the usual
scenario being for Brokaw, Jennings and Rather to show up simultaneously
for such epics as the symbolic crumbling of the Berlin Wall -- rather like
Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Martin Short in "Three Amigos."
-- Howard Rosenberg, LA Times
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Money no longer talks - it just goes without saying.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Have a .
MURPHY STRIKES AGAIN
The sign-on message yesterday was missing a crucial part - a heart.
Apparently DOS and Novell do not agree on how to display a heart, even on
Valentine's day. It should have read: "Have a ."
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
With judicious use of answering machines, a love affair can be conducted
without the bother of ever talking to the loved one.
-- P. J. O'Rourke
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's easy to save $500 million; you just save $1 million a year for 500 years.
-- Bob Hope
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.
-- The Old Philosopher
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of persons per registered car in the United States: 2
Average number of persons per registered car in Japan: 4
Average number of persons per registered car in China: 1374
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount of oil spilled off the coast of Morocco in December,
expressed as a percentage of the Valdez spill : 186
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Ratio of U.S. soldiers killed to those wounded in the U.S. invasion
of Panama, 1:14.
Ratio of Panamanian soldiers killed to those wounded in the invasion, 2:1.
Percentage of the Panamanians killed in the invasion who were civilians, 39.
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times the phrase "do the right thing" has been used in Congress
since Spike Lee's film was released last June : 67
Number of times the phrase was used in reference to a congressional
pay raise: 16
Number of times it was used in reference to racial issues : 1
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average percentage increase in the protrusion of a woman's buttocks
when she wears high heels: 25
-- Harper's Index
HOROSCOPE FOR THE WEEK (GENERAL FORECAST for Feb 23 - Mar 1, 1990)
...Jupiter, retrograde since Halloween, turns direct on Saturday (11:14 AM),
[so] the jokes will be funnier and the judgments fair, and that once the checks
finally arrive, they won't bounce. But first we must endure another incredibly
perceptive, frequently depressive Mercury-Pluto square that only a Scorpio...
could love...the Pisces new moon, Saturday night/Sunday morning at 1:00, is
more reactive than active...Even the sun sextile to Uranus on Fat Tuesday
doesn't have its usual shake, rattle and roll fervor. Could it be the dire and
disatrous Mars-Saturn conjunction...striking fear into the hearts of everyone
the macho military-government-industrial establishment intends to fuck over?
-- Rockie Gardiner, "Rockie Horoscope", LA Weekly
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Even paranoids have enemies.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Given a sufficient number of people and an adequate amount of time, you can
create insurmountable opposition to the most inconsequential idea.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Phone Booth Rule)
A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you're not into sports, guys think you're less of a man unless you can
account for time in activities equally masculine. When they ask, "Wanna go
see the game?" I reply, "I can't - I gotta go put a transmission in a
stripper's car."
-- Bob Nickman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend
their weekends with?"
-- Rita Rudner
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A bunch of Right-To-Lifers were protesting outside my clinic, and it took me
an hour to park. I didn't need an abortion, but I got one anyway just to piss
them off. Not that I mind their demonstrations - it means they're not home
breeding.
- Leah Krinsky
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The NRA has lost touch with reality; they're mad because the president wants
to limit the size of a magazine clip in an automatic hunting weapon to 15
shots. If it takes you 15 shots to bring down an animal, you should be a
vegetarian. "Let's piece all that together - it might be a deer."
-- Jeff Jenna
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Hank Gathers' sudden death on the basketball court apparently affected the
Los Angeles Times proofreader, for the following is quoted EXACTLY as printed:]
MaNY immediately remembered that night hee against Santa Barbara whgen
Gathers fainted at the free thorw line in the seocnd haslf. It was eerie
then; and eerie now.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies
a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not
clothed. The world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the
sweat of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life
at all in any true sense. Under the cloud of war, it is humanity hanging on
a cross of iron.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Foresight Dept.)
That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to use one?
-- Pres. Rutherford B. Hayes, upon first seeing the telephone, CA 1880
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Baseball is] a very simple game - you throw the ball, you hit the ball,
you catch the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes
it rains.
-- "Nuke", Bull Durham
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of times Noriega's prisoner number was bet in the first
Florida state lottery held after he was arrested: 12,139.
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of documents the IRS loses each year: 2,000,000
Estimated gallons of ink used at H&R Block offices last tax season: 16
Estimated gallons of coffee: 2,200,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount Viking Penguin has spent on extra security since publishing
"The Satanic Verses": $3,400,000
Estimated amount Viking Penguin has earned from sales of the book: $3,400,000
-- Harper's Index
**** NEW FLASH FOR THE DAY ****
MUTANT MEDFLY ATTACKS MALATHION CHOPPER PILOT!
Scientist says giant Medfly mistook chopper for mate!
"It was Big, it was Ugly, it was Horny," says pilot...
FILM AT 11!
-- Hollywood Dog, "The Reader"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Cumbersome though the present English system of measures is, it's a miracle
of streamlined efficiency compared to what it was a thousand years ago.
One distance then was defined as three miles, three furlongs, nine acres'
breadths, three perches, nine feet, nine shaftments, nine handsbreadths, and
nine barleycorns, which sounds more like the inventory of a chicken farm than
a measurement. Give me a kilometer any day.
-- Cecil Adams, "The Reader"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and
there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war
or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
-- Plato, "The Republic"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Take care of the land...
Someday you'll be a part of it.
-- sign in Big Santa Anita Canyon
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
Three people were indicted in Nashville in September for a scheme in which
they painted a postal collection box to make it a "temporary night deposit box"
for a bank, then placed the box in front of the bank's regular night deposit
slot and left an "out of order -- please use temporary box" sign beside the
slot.
-- LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I was shopping for groceries when I saw the sign for "Feminine Needs" and I
thought to myself, "Finally, a store that sells nice, cute, well-hung guys
with money who call when they say they're gonna. Where oh where are my
double coupons?"
-- Leah Krinsky
NEWSBREAK FOR THE DAY
Errors in the system used by Paris police to code law violations resulted in
the recent misclassification of 41,000 people accused of crimes. People with
traffic tickets were accused of manslaughter and soliciting prostitutes;
accused murderers were ordered merely to pay fines of about $230; and running
a red light was classified as importing unauthorized veterinary medicine.
-- LA Reader
So if you find an error in our computer system, remember it could be worse.
-- Laddie
NEWSBREAK FOR THE DAY (Bullshit Dept.)
Singer Rita Coolidge, trying to draw attention to the plight of the homeless
in New Orleans in September, said that she favored tougher tax laws for the
rich and that she planned to tell her accountant "immediately" to figure out
how she could pay higher taxes.
-- LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The main purpose of alcohol is to make English your second language.
-- Robin Williams
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Standup comedy is the only art form to be heckled. Picasso never had two drunk
guys in his studio yelling, "More green, idiot!"
-- Bill Maher
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Remember what you were doing when Elvis died? I was pulling the pins
out of my Elvis doll.
-- Doug Benson
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp
and not look bad.
-- Robin Williams
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of months after the Pentagon bought 80,000 camouflage helmet-covers
that it found 80,000 in storage: 3
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Portion of Thirtysomething's advertising that was pulled from
an episode last fall that showed two homosexuals in bed: 60%
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated amount of time that Michael Jordan has spent aloft while playing in
NBA games, in hours: 3
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of all billboards in white neighborhoods in Baltimore that
advertise alcohol and tobacco: 20
Percentage of all billboards in black neighborhoods that do: 76
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Infiniti [car sales] may not be doing so well, but, hey, at least sales of
rocks and trees are skyrocketing.
-- Jay Leno
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[Gorbachev has] changed a lot of things. In his anti-alcohol campaign he
raised the legal drinking age from 2 to 4. You know there are 100,000
alcohol-related collisions a year here [in the Soviet Union] and they
don't even have cars.
-- Yakov Smirnoff
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of all U.S. automobiles in 1900 that were steam-powered: 40
...that were electric: 38
...that used gasoline: 22
-- Scientific American
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
An intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture
without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
-- Overheard at the Square Dance
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of "real close personal friends" on President Bush's computerized list
of correspondents: 108
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Value of the year-end bonuses that Drexel Burnham Lambert gave its employees
in December and January: $270,000,000
Estimated amount the company requested in bank loans before it filed for
bankruptcy in February: $300,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Increase, since 1872, in the average interval between eruptions of
Old Faithful, in minutes: 11
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of dating services created in Magdeburg, East Germany,
since last November: 7
-- Harper's Index
SUPREME COURT DECISION OF THE WEEK (and perhaps the year)
In a recent case, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia declared that when
religious rights clash with the government's need for uniform rules, the court
will side with the government.
"We cannot afford the luxury" of striking down laws simply because they limit
someone's religious practices, Scalia said.
In a dissenting opinion, Justice Blackmun said, "I do not believe the Founders
thought their dearly bought freedom from religious persecution a 'luxury,' but
an essential element of liberty."
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Yesterday's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you don't trust me with a choice,
How can you trust me with a child?
-- Bumpersticker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (The Secret of Longevity)
I don't wear a coat in hot weather, I don't never lend money I can't get back,
and I don't never drink bad likker.
-- John Falk, 84 when interviewed
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Sex with a rubber - that's not sex, it's Tupperware.
-- Paul Rodriguez
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money,
they'd put me away.
-- Red Skelton
NEWS BIT FOR THE DAY
The opening of the border between East and West Germany has provided the
residents with a contrast in cultures. "The East still looks like West Germany
did right after the war," Henrick Muller says.
Easterners crave Western tools and advice, but they resent what they see as
Western greed. Westerners flood across the border each weekend to fill their
cars with cheap gas and food. Gerd Gasdorf, an East German, recently watched
a West German woman buy a butcher's entire stock, despite the protests of other
shoppers. On her way out, an old man grumbled, "I hope you have a nice party."
The West German woman responded, "What party? This meat is for my dog."
-- adapted from The Wall Street Journal
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Your Board of Supervisors at Work, Correcting Nature's Flaws)
"Each day, the Columbia River dumps in the Pacific Ocean 90 billion gallons of
fresh water. That is 3.7 billion gallons an hour, 61 million gallons a minute
and 1 million gallons a second. That is wasteful and sinful," says L.A.
Supervisor Kenneth Hahn, who wants the water diverted to Los Angeles, where
presumably it will be used in a less-sinful manner.
-- adapted from The LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I don't have a problem with the economy seating or the first class in the plane
...it's the patio seating thing I'm having trouble with...
-- Rick Dukerman
*** CAUTION ***
This computer system is for the use of trained operators only.
Reckless operation of this machine could alter the earth's orbit.
NEWS BIT FOR THE DAY
Two elementary school principals have banned certain T-Shirts from their
schools for glorifying the wrong attitude. One offensive missive says
"Underachiever and proud of it, man" on a cartoon drawing of Bart Simpson.
J.C. Penney, quivering with courage, has cancelled that particular shirt from
all back and future orders.
The response from the Simpson TV Show's producers? "Don't have a cow, man."
-- adapted from The L.A. Times, with a bow to Walt Kelly
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It doesn't matter what our chances of success are, we have no choice.
-- Mikhail Gorbachev, on Perestroika
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
FAITH: An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
-- H.L. Mencken
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (The Future-Shock Hypothesis)
The time to leave is when the tar is hot, the feathers loose,
and you see two men walking toward you with a pole.
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Inflation Where It Hurts The Most Dept.)
The cost of laughing rose 9.4% in 1990, due to increases in the cost of rubber
chickens and other humor items. Calling the funny-fowl price increases
"no laughing matter," humor consultant Malcolm Kushner says rubber chicken
prices are up 33% in three years, while dancing chicken telegrams are up 18%.
-- The Wall Street Journal
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
LOVE IS...staying up all night at the bedside of a sick child...
or with a very healthy adult...
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Projected total cost to taxpayers of the S&L bailout, expressed as a percentage
of the federal deficit : 300
Rank of the corporation formed to manage the bailout, among the largest U.S.
real estate concerns : 1
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Fine for parking a pickup truck in one's own driveway
in Flossmoor, Illinois : $10
-- Harper's Index
TRIBUTES FOR THE WEEK
He was all the floats in the big parade...
-- Charles Champlin, said about Sammy Davis Jr.
[During an interview] Henson only became voluble when he spoke as Kermit.
To a little green frog, the spotlight was a warm and wonderful place to be.
-- Lynne Heffley, LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
By 1995,...Operating a computer will be as basic and necessary a skill as
driving a car.
-- Dr. Marvin J. Cetron, The 1989 Information Please Almanac
COW POETRY FOR THE DAY
" Distant Hills"
-------------
The distant hills call to me.
Their rolling waves seduce my heart.
Oh, how I want to graze in their lush valleys.
Oh, how I want to run down their green slopes.
Alas, I cannot.
Damn the electric fence!
Damn the electric fence!
-- Gary Larson
HOMILY FOR THE DAY
If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.
-- Mike Peters
NEWS ITEM FROM THE PAST (When there was REAL news to gather)
The reported elopements from Little Sturgeon and subsequent marriage, as
announced in these columns a couple of weeks ago, turns out to have been a
baseless fabrication. Fortunately the names of the parties were not given
in the item.
-- Sturgeon Bay Advocate, May 3, 1890
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Most Americans -- including many Californians -- tend to think of Los Angeles
as the city without a past. But now that the 20th century is starting to feel
like history, a big chunk of that history has "L.A." stamped all over it.
Ruthless plutocrats, castle-building realtors, oil speculators, religious
fanatics, and 2 million Midwesterners looking for Oz were all there at the
creation of a metropolis that, unlike most, invented itself by a sheer act
of will.
-- Tom Carson, L.A. Weekly
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Presidential Timber Dept.)
Let me give you a little serious political inside advice. One single word.
Puppies. Worth 10 points.
- President Bush, campaigning for a New York candidate
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Fur coats should be limted to those who can grow them.
-- Morris
CORRECTIONS AND AMPLIFICATIONS
Some people have asked why Friday's quote by Morris spelled "limited" as
"limted". There is a purrfectly simple explanation for this, as those close
to Morris know - he has a slight speech impediment. But don't tell anyone, or
you'll let the cat out of the bag.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If the celebrated Polish opera star Wanda Waleska had married Howard Hughes,
then divorced him and married Henry Kissinger, she'd be Wanda Hughes Kissinger
now.
-- Martin Gardner
NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY
The water supply situation in Los Angeles is not nearly as critical as in the
Central California Valley from Monterey to Santa Barbara. Throughout
Monterey, residents are reminded to conserve water. Water district ads in
local newspapers suggest that residents "shower with a frond," to water their
houseplants. Other ads remind residents that when they have "guests from
hell," they can apply for extra water rations. In a local shopping center,
there are signs in all the bathrooms: "In the land of sun and fun, we never
flush for No. 1."
-- adapted from LA Times
NEWS BRIEF FOR THE DAY
The postal service plans to stretch out some deliveries and raise basic rates
next year. Louis Rukeyser recently joked that a 30-cent stamp is about right -
"five cents for postage and 25 cents for storage."
-- Wall Street Journal
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REDNECK
If your wife ever had her hairdo sliced by a ceiling fan...
...you might be a redneck.
If you ever helped your brother move his refigerator, and the grass underneath
was yellow... ...you might be a redneck.
If your family tree doesn't fork... ...you might be a redneck.
MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR (In Production, Name to be Thunk Up Later)
The Quintessential BUDDY MOVIE: Starring......Buddy Hackett
and......Buddy Ebsen
Sound Track...Buddy Holly
Ice Cream by..Nutty Buddy
Using.........The Buddy System
Percussion Sound Effects by...(you fill it in)
- "Silent Pictures Maratta"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Just say NO to catnip.
-- Morris
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I went to the nude beach, but they didn't like me there. You're not supposed
to wear anything, and I was wearing a video camera.
-- Dan St. Paul
NEWS OOPS FOR THE DAY
A correction in the "Ask Beth" advice column in the April 13 Boston Globe
told readers to disregard her statement the day before that women are "least
likely" to get pregnant halfway between the beginnings of successive periods.
It's "most likely".
-- LA Reader
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
My research shows the sentence in the English language least used by females
is, "I'm goin' for a cheese-steak." In the interest of fairness, the sentence
least used by males is, "Oooh, look, there's a sale on dust ruffles over at
Stroud's." And taking both sexes into account, the one you'll never, ever
hear is, "No, that Porsche belongs to the banjo player."
-- Eric Boardman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[The newspaper La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of expression.
This was a lie and we could not let them publish it.
-- Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry Director of Censorship, Nicaragua,
quoted in the New York Times, 1984
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PRAY: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single
petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-- Ambrose Bierce
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of the ten largest environmental magazines that are printed
on recycled paper : 3
-- Harper's Index
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
-- Henry Kissinger (attributed)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Ideology is the death of ideas.
-- William K. Shireman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A good standup [routine] is not a monologue, but a dialogue with the audience.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Say, have you heard the one about the three drunk airline pilots? They have
been accused of being intoxicated while flying a Northwest Airlines plane
from Fargo to Minneapolis on March 8.
How did they get caught? They were riding around on the baggage carousel.
Why did the flight have three pilots? Because they don't like to drink alone.
Why did they delay the landing? They had to wait for the airport to stop
circling.
-- various sources
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CONSERVATIONISTS: Voices crying out in the wilderness.
-- Time
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CONFISCATE: From two latin words meaning "put into the public treasury."
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
SEAWEEDS: What you don't want the people next door to do when they look
at your garden.
-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PET SHOP: A Chock Full O' Mutts emporium.
-- Louis Sobol
QUESTION FOR THE DAY
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to inform him of his right
to remain silent?
-- Jay Leno
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
GOVERNMENT: An art consisting in taking as much money as possible from
one class of citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire
NEWS STORY FOR THE DAY
Because of fears that the song would send students dancing out of control
in its aging football stadium, the University of South Carolina heeded its
insurer's demand and forbade bands from playing "Louie Louie" at games.
-- LA Reader
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
MOUNTAIN CLIMBER: One who wants to take just one more peak.
-- Scholastic Magazine
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of trees George Bush has pledged to plant in the United States in the
next five years: 5,000,000,000
Amount he has proposed to cut from existing Forest Service tree-planting
programs next year: $32,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Acres of solar panels it would take to fulfill all human energy
needs: 83,000,000
Percentage of the earth's landmass this represents: 0.2
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Sales of Teenage Mutant Nunja Turtles merchandise since the
film was released in April: $500,000,000
Sales of tickets to the film: $110,000,000
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of American children under the age of 6 who say that the first
U.S. flag was sewn by Betsy Ross: 15
Percentage who say it was sewn by Barbara Bush: 29
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount of trash left in New York City's Central Park by people
attending Earth Day festivities, in tons: 100
Amount of trash retrieved from Mount Everest since April, in tons: 2
-- Harper's Index
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Minimum number of songs that Patti Page had in Billboard's Top One Hundred
every year between 1948 and 1982: 1
-- New Yorker
INTERVIEW FOR THE DAY
PLAYBOY: Describe the contents of Church Lady's medicine cabinet.
DANA CARVEY: Her medicine chest would be really stripped down. Probably
aspirin and good tartar-control tooth paste. Toothbrush and Listerine. There
might be a four-by-six picture of Minister Bob that she keeps in the Band-Aid
box. One time, she saw him mowing the lawn in his tight little Bermuda Shorts
and she started feeling tempted by Satan. So to suppress her satanic desires,
she popped a butter-rum Life Saver and sucked like there was no tomorrow.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of Americans killed by enemies in World War II: 405,399
Number of Americans killed each year from tobacco use: 425,000
-- adapted from a Councilman Marvin Braude letter
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
In biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford.
Just like today.
-- Abigail Van Buren
WHY OIL SPILLS ARE GOOD
1. Every once in a while, it's good to give the ocean's self-cleaning
mechanisms a real workout. It's like taking your car for a long, fast
drive on a summer afternoon.
2. Oil-coated birds are better protected against the sun's rays than non-oil-
coated birds.
3. Lab tests prove that many underwater plants actually love the taste of
Petroleum!
4. A ruined fishing industry means that people will go back to eating more
meat, America's most virile food.
5. People in the media also benefit! Spill-videotapers, interviewers of
bird-washers, ecological-disaster predictors, etc. -- without us, where
would they be?
-- D. Alvin Armbruster, CEO, ABC Oil Corp., courtesy of R. Chast
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Among the many souvenirs put on board the Voyager spacecraft, now leaving our
solar system, was a copy of Chuck Berry's 1958 recording, "Johnny B. Goode."
"I fully expect that Voyager will be picked up by a space-faring civilization
one day, said Rich Terrile, JPL scientist. "It will be placed in a museum and
revered. I'm hoping that space-faring civilization will be our own. Or if
not, we'll at least receive a message in 40,000 years or so from some distant
solar system. And that message will say: `Send more Chuck Berry.'"
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of personal-computer disks seized from American homes by Secret