1994
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I'd like to wish everyone a Happy New Year --
with the exception of the man who invented the telephone.
-- Mark Twain (1891)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Happy New Year!
-- Anon.
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
A truck carrying high-quality Zinfandel grapes overturned near a Sonoma County
winery, making the grapes legally unusable for commercial wine. But winery
workers weren't about to lose a chance to make wine. They hauled the grapes in
wheelbarrows to an empty tank, fermented them and aged the wine in barrels.
The wine was "released" surreptitiously as Roadkill Red with a hilarious label,
reading "Produced and Bottled by Cal-Trans. A peppery Zinfandel with a hint of
asphalt. Three stars in the Michelin Guide." The wine, at $10 a bottle,
rapidly sold out (illegally) to local winemakers.
-- L.A. Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of U.S. states that defeated Russian presidential candidate Vladimir
Zhirinovsky promised to recapture and return to Russian posession: 1
-- news sources
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of the Grateful Dead among U.S. and Canadian concert acts
in gross receipts for 1993: 1
- news services
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of people who believe that angels exist: 69
-- Time poll
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of people who believe angels exist: 12
-- CBS News poll
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Small things make perfection. But perfection is no small thing.
-- Henry Royce
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of pages in the PETA (People for the ethical Treatment of Animals)
234-page children's ecology book that are devoted to tropical rain
forests: 3
Number of pages that explain how to protect insects by propping twigs
into birdbaths so that trapped bugs can climb out: 3
-- LA Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Serbs and Croats are so much alike that the only way they can tell each other
apart is by religion. And most of them aren't religious. So the difference
between Serbs and Croats is that the Serbs don't go to Eastern Orthodox
services and the Croats don't attend mass. And the difference between Serbs
and Muslims is that five times a day the Muslims don't pray to Mecca.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY
COMEDIAN: A guy with a good memory who hopes no one else has.
-- Red Skelton
STAND-UP COMEDY: Telling a secret that people are thinking.
-- Bill Maher
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you're ever in an earthquake, just remember it's like surfing
on solid ground. If you can't surf, move to Kansas.
-- Tom Cantrell, Circuit Cellar
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It felt like Godzilla had picked our building up, shook it, couldn't find
a toy, and threw it back down on the ground.
-- Bryan Watson, a (former) resident of Northridge Meadows Apts
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
None of the freeways that collapsed had been strengthened because
they were considered low risk. On the other hand, none of the
freeways that had been reinforced collapsed...
-- News sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Generally speaking, the press lives on disaster.
-- Clement Atlee (1883-1967)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Time until, due to earth movement around the San Andreas Fault, San
Francisco and Los Angeles are suburbs of each other, in years: 5,000,000
-- PBS
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It was a moral reawakening, a terrible warning, God, or Nature, stepping on
the anthill we call the world. Nothing can trivialize human behavior more
than a natural catastrophe. This [the earthquake] was the real Super Bowl.
That other one's just a football game.
-- Jim Murray
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Ratio of Social Security recipients to American workers in 1965: 4/1
... in 1992: 2/1
-- National Taxpayers Union
MAGIC WORD FOR THE DAY
The Magic Word, according to New York clown Silly Billy: "Googly-googly"
...according to clown Silly Willy: "Iggy-la-piggy-wiggy"
-- The New Yorker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Michael Jordan. Figure skating. Don't laugh. It could happen.
-- Mike Downey
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of American cars Ford's new president, Alex Trotman,
has bought in his lifetime: 0
-- Ford Motor Co.
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Chances that a supermaket customer in an express checkout line has more than
the allowed number of items: 1 in 4
-- John Trinkaus, St. John's University, NYC
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Yikes! I'm outa here...
-- Punxutawney Phil (yesterday)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's okay to take advice, but be careful what you believe. Keep your
little, globed eyes open.
-- Kermit the Frog (Amphibian-American)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The drawing power of violence is not television's fault, any more than it is
the Bible's. Anyone who has actually read the Bible is well aware of the
grisly, explicit, and hideous scenes of violence that are sometimes recounted
there, acts even the crassest producer would never dream of presenting on
television. Yet the Bible is known for its moral teachings, while
television's moral teachings about violence, which are wholly consistent with
much of the Bible, are viewed as nonexistent, no matter how often and
regularly they are repeated.
-- David Link, Reason
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Isn't it funny that Menendez got the hung jury, and not Bobbitt?
-- Jerry Van Dyke
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
WHOM: A word invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
-- Calvin Trillin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If lyrics make people do things, how come we don't love each other?
-- Frank Zappa (1941-1993)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of all U.S. paperback book sales accounted for
by romance novels: 47
-- Book Industry Study Group, NYC
QUOTE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY
Love is the exchange of two fantasies and the contact of two skins.
-- Nicholas Chamfort
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of golf courses maintained by the Pentagon, worldwide: 234
-- U.S. Dept. of Defense
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Programmers do it in logical sequence.
-- bumper sticker
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Mankind, when left to themselves, are unfit for their own government.
-- George Washington
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of issues of "Mad" the magazine will give Prince Charles this year
for winning its Alfred E. Neuman Look-Alike Contest: 12
Mad Magazine, NYC
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
EVERY music has its soul.
-- Ray Charles
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
GOLF: The best way to ruin a good walk.
-- Charlie Sheen
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of the top 5 female L.A. Marathon winners named Olga: 3
-- L.A. Times
QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Economics as explained by the Experts)
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
-- Yogi Berra
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: What makes the sound: Klip Klop, Klip, Klop, Klip Klop, BANG, Klip Klop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
-- Contributed by Frank Kelly
DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY
FRIEND: Someone who'll help you move.
BEST FRIEND: Someone who'll help you move a body.
-- Dave Atell
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of movie deals proposed to Nancy Kerrigan
in the week after she was assaulted in January: 35
-- ProServ (Arlington, VA)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Ratio of the number of casualties in the 1988 Armenian earthquake to the
number in Los Angeles in January: 492/1
Ratio of the force of the Armenian eathquake to L.A.'s: 1/1
-- Earthquake Engineering Research Center (Richmond, CA)/
Earthquake Engineering Research Institute (Oakland, CA)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Were it not for the many great daily journals published around the World,
our land would be overrun with trees.
-- Kehlog Albran (1933-1927)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
"You want tomatoes? Then give us water," say farmers along the L-31W canal,
part of the [Everglades] park's eastern border.
"You want wildlife? Then restore the Everglades," say environmentalists.
-- National Geographic
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of frames in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" that show
Jessica Rabbit without underwear: 3
-- News Sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I have seen the future and it is very much like the present. Only longer.
-- Kehlog Albran (1933-1927)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount the federal government spent on pickle research last year: $277,000
-- USDA
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If I had known how famous he was going to be, I'd have had
my uterus bronzed.
-- Leah Adler (Steven Spielberg's mother)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage increase in Domino's Pizza orders each day Hillary Clinton
is out of town: +18
-- Jericho Promotions (NYC)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
DATA: What a baby computer calls its father.
-- ADP-Canada, contributed by David Lamont
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
-- Prof. I. Lirpa
QUOTES FOR THE DAY
The 1980's ushered in a Gilded Age of greed and selfishness, of
irresponsibility and excess and of neglect.
-- Bill Clinton, 1991
The 1980's were about acquiring -- acquiring wealth, power, privilege.
- Hillary Clinton, 1993
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of people killed by assault weapons in New York State in 1992: 20
Number of people killed by hands and feet (beating & stomping): 117
-- Reason
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Rank of the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) among the country's
largest users of (obsolete) vacuum tubes: 1
-- Reason
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average 1994 rate of payout by the Tooth Fairy, per tooth,
...according to Dr. William Hartel: $1.75
...according to Dr. Rosemary Wells: $1.50
-- WSJ
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
MONEY: A wonderful servant, but a bad master.
-- seen on a Billboard, contributed by Jennifer Morgan
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
-- Harlan Ellison
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the
greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.
It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
-- Alfred Adler (1870-1937), contributed by Glenn Buckley
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of people worldwide who live
on less than $1 per day: 1,000,000,000
-- World Bank (Washington)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY (Amazing Tax Fax Dept.)
Bra size of stripper Chesty Love after surgical implants: 56FF
Weight of each breast after implants, in pounds: 10
Amount of deduction claimed on Love's income tax return for
breast depreciation in 1988: $2088
-- AP, Green Bay, WI
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit
that carries any reward.
-- John Maynard Keynes
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
People with great minds talk about ideas.
People with average minds talk about events.
People with small minds talk about other people.
-- Ann Landers
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of drivers killed in vehicle accidents in 1990
that were wearing seat belts: 43
-- U.S. DOT Nat'l Highway Traffic Safety Admin.
QUOTES FOR THE DAY ("Weather: Who Needs It?" Dept.)
The heat waves, droughts, floods, and hurricanes may be previews of what could
happen with ever-increasing frequency if the atmosphere warms 3F to 8F by the
middle of the next century, as some scientists predict.
-- TIME, Jan 2, 1989
Last week's big chill was a reminder that the Earth's climate can change at
any time...if last week is any indication of winters to come, it might be more
to the point to start worrying about the next Ice Age instead.
-- TIME, Jan 31, 1994
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you think the US has stood still, who built the largest shopping-center
in the world?
-- Richard Nixon (1913-1994)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
As President Nixon says, presidents can do almost anything, and President
Nixon has done many things that nobody would have thought of doing.
-- Golda Meir
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
CONFUCIAS SAY: A hat is wasted on a man with no head.
-- Paul Reiser
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of years in office Saddam Hussein will celebrate this summer: 14
-- The New Republic, LC Research
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Increase in the number of international telephone calls to and from the
U.S. from 1981 to 1991, in percent: 300
-- Fortune
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Typical cost to send a 1-minute, 1-page fax 30 miles, off-peak: $.06
Cost to mail a 1-page letter the same distance via the US Postal Service,
estimated arrival 1-3 days: $.29
-- SW Bell, USPO
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Yikes! It's Friday the 13th!! Really!!!
-- The Calendar
DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY
CONSERVATIVE: A liberal who has been mugged
LIBERAL: A conservative who has been arrested
-- Wendy Kaminer, Atlantic Monthly
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of faxes transmitted in the United States each minute: 88,000
-- American Facsimile Association, Philadelphia
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage increase in worldwide "Strangeness" from 1992 to 1993: 3.5
-- Fortean Times
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Portion of China's timber consumption accounted for
by household cooking and heating: 1/3
-- Population Reference Bureau (Washington)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
There's nothing I enjoy more than buying condoms.
-- Sandra Bernhard
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.
-- David Hume (ca. 1748)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception
absolutely necessary for both parties.
-- Oscar Wilde
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
JUNE is: American Rivers Month National Frozen Yogurt Month
Cancer in the Sun Month National Papaya Month
Turkey Lovers' Month National Pest-Control Month
National Accordion Awareness Month National Dreamwork Month
-- Chase's Annual Events 1994, Chicago
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Dept. of Basketball Knickers)
Back home again,
In Indiana...
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's a good thing I'm a woman, because if I weren't, I'd be a drag queen.
-- Dolly Parton (contributed by Russell Palmer)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Life without "f" is a lie.
-- Paul Reiser's fortune cookie
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
are now extinct.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
FINANCIAL NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Average change, last six months, in the value of stocks chosen by four
investment advisors selected by the Wall Street Journal: -9.4%
Average change, same time period, in the value of stocks chosen by
throwing darts at the financial page: +1.4%
-- WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Men have become the tools of their tools.
-- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Moon River, wider than a mile.
I'm crossing you in style
Someday...
-- Henry Mancini (1924-1994)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of articles on the front page of last
Saturday's L.A. Times that were devoted to O.J. Simpson: 71
SONG LYRIC FOR THE DAY
(Sing to the tune of "The Barney Song")
I hate you.
You hate me.
We're gonna go out and kill Barney.
And the shots rang out and Barney hit the floor.
No more purple dinosaur!
-- Patricia Biederman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Heroes are created by popular demand, sometimes
out of the scantiest materials, or none at all.
-- Gerald Johnson, 1943
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Although they come in similar colored tubes, carpenters' contact cement
and Preparation H have very different uses.
-- Rich Tosches
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of people killed as witches in one province of South Africa
in the first half of 1994: 71
-- Northern Transvaal Police (WSJ)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Price of a copy of Kurt Cobain's death certificate
from Post Mortem Arts in Seattle: $25
-- Harper's Research
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of women asked to leave an exhibit of Rubens nudes in Toledo,
Ohio, last winter because they were breast-feeding: 1
-- Toledo Museum of Art
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Price of one week at the Klingon Language Camp
in Red Lake Falls, Minnesota: $350
-- Klingon Language School, MN
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Caveat Raptor Dept.)
Available with proofs of purchase from Energizer batteries is the 18-inch
Plush Energizer Bunny. It comes with "removable drum, mallets, and shoes."
But instead of going...and going...and going, it just sits there. Why?
It's not battery-operated.
-- Adapted from Consumer Reports
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
BANG! SSSSSzsssssss.....
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of prizes given away inside Cracker Jack boxes
since 1912: 16,000,000,000
-- USA Today
QUOTE FOR THE DAY ("Oh, Yeah?" Dept.)
The triodity of actuality continues to function directly in the post-Havona
epochs; Paradise gravity grasps the basic units of material existence, the
spirit gravity of the Eternal Son operates directly upon the fundamental
values of spirit existence, and the mind gravity of the Conjoint Actor
unerringly clutches all vital meanings of intellectual existence.
-- The Urantia Book
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
ASTROLOGY: A form of bigotry based on accidents of birth.
-- Robert Steiner
THE TOP 4 SUCCESSFUL COME-ON LINES
4. I know we're not on the phone, but can I reach out and touch you?
3. Excuse me, do you believe in love at first sight --
or do I have to walk by again?
2. I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the glass.
1. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
-- Lynn Minton
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
With a 1% growth rate, number of years until the entire Earth's surface
(including all water) has one square yard of space per person: 1200
-- Milton Rothman, "The Science Gap"
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
How a minority,
Reaching majority,
Seizing authority,
Hates a minority!
-- Leonard H. Robbins (1877-1947)
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Once Upon A Time Dept.)
Many of the women who ride in the Chicago parks now sit boldly
astride their horses thanks to the divided skirt.
-- Door County Advocate, June 23, 1894
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Total amount of energy released by the largest hydrogen bomb
ever built by man, in megatons of TNT: 58
Estimated energy that will be released by the comet that will
collide with Jupiter in the next 10 days, in megatons of
TNT: 20,000,000
-- Jack Horkheimer, Miami Planetarium
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend
the rest of our lives there.
-- C. F. Kettering (1876-1958)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!
-- Andres Cantor
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
ROMANCE: What happens while you're making plans for sex.
-- The Playboy Advisor
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Odds, in any given year, of a collision between a major comet or asteriod
and the earth: 500,000/1
-- NASA
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
PARENTHOOD: Feeding the mouth that bites you.
-- Peter DeVries (1910-1993)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting
for our wits to grow sharper.
--Eden Phillpotts (1862-1960)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Maximum number of people that can be beamed up at once on Startrek: 6
-- USA Today
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of names & addresses lost by the U.S. Post Office sectional facility
computer in Van Nuys on more than one occcasion during July, 94: 40,000
Number of names that were recovered electronically: 0
Number of names that were re-entered by hand: 40,000
-- USPO, Van Nuys, CA (personal communication)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Washington, D.C.'s daily overnight mail
that the U.S. Post Office fails to deliver on time: 38
Proposed USPO rate increase, percent: 10.3
-- USPO, Gannett News Service
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course
you are an exceptionally good liar.
-- Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
-- Alfred Adler (1870-1937)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average unemployment rate during the 1980s in the ten states
with the largest number of immigrants: 6
Average unemployment rate in the ten states with the fewest
immigrants: 8
-- U.S. Census Bureau, U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Japanese computer software market controlled by
U.S. companies: 54
-- International Data Corp. (Framingham, MA)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Do not buy stuff you really cannot afford, unless you really want to.
-- Forrest Gump
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played
night after night but differently each time.
-- Ornette Coleman
MOVIE REVIEW FOR THE DAY
What Robin Williams does with his mind -- rev it up, kick it around, bend it
and blend it, find witty twists at lightning speed -- [Jim] Carrey does
with his body...Crossbreed [Jerry] Lewis' "The Nutty Professor" with "Batman"
and you have "The Mask"...
-- Richard Corliss (Time)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of federal workers employed full-time this year
to manage national-security documents: 32,397
-- Office of Managesment & Budget, Washington
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Rock'n'roll is part of a pest to undermine the morals of the youth of
our nation. It is sexualistic, unmoralistic and...brings people of
both races together.
-- North Alabama White Citizens' Council, 1950's
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
-- Ed Howe (1853-1937)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
ANCIENT HISTORY: Fables that have been agreed upon.
-- Voltaire (1694-1778)
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
CYNIC: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.
-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Experience is the best teacher, but only if you are a good pupil.
-- Laddie Chapman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I've been on so many blind dates that I should get a free dog...
-- Wendy Liebman
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of cigarette lighter sockets in the new Ford Cirrus: 1
Number of ashtrays: 0
-- USA Today
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Number of nuclear bombs that could be made from the plutonium
known to be stockpiled in Russia: 40,000+
Estimated number that could be made from the Russian plutonium
unaccounted for and potentially in the hands of terrorists: 2000
-- Gannett News Service
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Rank of Israel and Egypt as the largest recipients of U.S. money in the
Clinton administration's proposed $13.8 billion foreign aid budget: 1,2
-- Knight-Ridder News Service
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
SUPERSTITION: Godless religion
-- Joseph Hall (1574-1656)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
In a mere half-century, films have gone from silent to unspeakable.
-- Doug Larson
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If you can remember Woodstock, then you weren't there.
-- Wavy Gravy, as quoted by Spencer F. Katt
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
When Elvis Presley died in 1977 there were 37 Elvis impersonators in
the world. Today there are 48,000. If the current trend continues,
by the year 2010, one out of every three people in the world will be
an Elvis impersonator.
-- from a used equipment catalog, submitted by John Sarappo
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[The new crime bill is] an ounce of prevention, a pound of punishment and
a ton of politics.
-- Cynthia McKinney (Rep., GA)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he
had read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading.
-- Henry G. Strauss
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of the Japanese computer-software market
controlled by U.S. companies: 54
-- Int'l Data Corp (Framingham, MA)
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Average unemployment rate during the 1980s in the ten states with the largest
number of immigrants: 6
Average unemployment rate in the ten states with the fewest number of
immigrants: 8
-- U.S. Census Bureau/U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics
TOP 10 MOST MEMORABLE LETTERMAN MOMENTS OF THE LAST 12 MONTHS
10. Debra Winger rips off her clothes, reveals a Wonder Woman outfit (09/03/93)
9. Al Gore hammers ashtrays (09/08/93)
8. Tony Randall and Mandy Patinkin crash the show, and Patinkin brings down
the house with "Rockabye Your Baby" (11/20/93)
7. The cast of Miss Saigon floods the studio (12/21/93)
6. "Can a guy in a bear suit..." is inaugurated (01/05/94)
(continued tomorrow)
-- Gannett News Service
TOP 5 MOST MEMORABLE LETTERMAN MOMENTS OF THE LAST 12 MONTHS
5. Dorothy, Dave's Ozlike mom, chats with Hillary in Lillehammer (02/14/94)
4. Outside the Today show's window, Letterman holds up a sign reading, "I love
you, Bryant," and Bryant Gumbel holds up one reading "Bite Me" (07/01/94)
3. Mujibar and Sirajul wind up their cross-country tour in San Francisco,
where they get the key to the city and Rice-a-Roni (07/08/94)
2. Calvert DeForest does Woodstock '94 (08/11/94)
1. One word: Madonna (03/31/94)
-- Gannett News Service
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti.
-- Sophia Loren
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes to us at midnight
very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands.
It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.
- John Wayne
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of U.S. paperback sales that are romance novels: 50
-- WSJ
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Amount Stella Liebeck won in court from McDonald's for personal injury when
she spilled coffee in her lap, in millions of dollars: 2.9
-- news sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We can expect an invasion of Haiti to be successful. After all, we have
the element of surprise on our side.
-- news sources
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Without baseball, America would be just another country,
like Switzerland but without the sense of irony.
-- Garrison Keillor
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Percentage of Americans who believe that there is baseball in heaven: 56
-- ESPN Sports Poll
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of "translators" commissioned last year by a Yale divinity student
to convert the Bible into Klingon: 10
-- Klingon Language Institute, PA
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of "offensive" words to be dropped from the 1995
Official Scrabble Dictionary: 100
-- Nat'l Scrabble Ass'n, NY
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
[In research that set off the alar scare] mice drank the equivalent of
nineteen thousand quarts of apple juice a day. This may explain why
laboratory mice so frequently have to ask to be excused to go to the
little mouse's room.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
STUPID KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE FOR THE DAY
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
O.J.
O.J. who?
Congratulations! You just qualified for the Simpson jury!
-- overheard at the water cooler
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Average number of illegal aliens that enter the U.S.
from Mexico daily: 3,000
-- NBC News
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
-- Carl Sagan
DEFINITION FOR THE DAY
POPULATION EXPLOSION: Too many people who think there are too many people.
-- Brian Doherty
NEWS ITEM FOR COLUMBUS DAY
Official name of Oct 12 in Berkeley, CA: Indigenous Peoples Day
- WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
--Charles Darwin
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
--Samuel Butler
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
The Jefferson Airplane said it will continue "fighting the establishment
and mainsteam corporate America" in efforts to preserve the integrity of its
flying toasters.
The defunct rock group filed suit this year against Berkeley Systems, Inc.,
claiming the company stole the idea for its flying-toaster computer screen-
saver logo from the cover of the 1973's "Thirty Seconds Over Winterland"
album. Last week, a federal district court judge dismissed the copyright
infingement suit, ruling the band's copyright was limited to the sound
recording.
The Jefferson Airplane said it will appeal.
-- adapted from WSJ
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
-- H.D. Thoreau
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
You can do anything,
But don't step on my blue suede shoes.
--Carl Perkins
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
State highway officials in Gallup, New Mexico, see no reason to rename U.S.
666, despite objections that the number refers to the Antichrist in the Bible.
The issue arose after an Indiana man wrote one of his U.S. senators,
questioning why New Mexico didn't change the highway's name, originally
designated in 1926 as the sixth branch of U.S. Route 66.
-- AP, adapted from Free Inquiry
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
A council is considering a request by Muslim tenants who want their toilets
turned around so that they no longer face Mecca. The plea has been sent to
the housing department at Blackburn, Lancashire, by twenty-nine tenants on the
Wimberly Street housing estate in London. Using a toilet while facing Mecca
breaches the Islamic code of personal conduct, taught at the mosque from
childhood.
-- Manchester Guardian (England)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If we had a girl, my wife wanted to call her "Sue" -- a lovely name,
but which for Jews is generally a verb...
-- Dennis Wolfberg (1947-1994)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Have a nice day!
-- Anon.
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Every October 31st, small groups of armed children roam
from house to house demanding protection money...
-- Peter Yarrow
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
MIAMI: Mexican zoo offical Vector Bernal was convicted of violating U.S.
endangered species laws for trying to pay $92,500 for an animal that
really was a Fish and Wildlife Service agent in a gorilla suit.
-- Washington City Paper
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
In the first six months of this year (since NAFTA),
percentage increase in U.S. exports to Mexico: 16
....in Mexican exports to the U.S.: 21
-- WSJ
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Air controller Douglas Hartman has filed suit against the FAA, charging sexual
harrassment. Hartman claims that he was forced to walk a gauntlet of female
colleagues who groped him during a training workshop. The workshop was
designed to reduce sexual harrassment.
-- Reason
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
The European Union has slapped a quota on nonhuman dolls from China, but human
figures aren't covered. This means that customs officials have to determine
the "humanity" of dolls imported into member countries. Teddy bears (nonhuman)
are covered by the quota; Batman and Robin (human) are not. Star Trek's
Captain Kirk (human) is not covered, but Dr. Spock (nonhuman) is. But...isn't
Spock's mother an earthling?...hmmm...discrimination...
-- Adapted from Reason
ELECTION ADVICE FOR THE DAY
While alone in the voting booth, please refrain from pulling anything
other than the lever.
-- David Letterman
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
It doesn't matter who you vote for, the Government always gets in.
-- graffito in London, 1970s
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
One of the things that people don't realize about Dad's music is,
when you replace a C-sharp with a gunshot, it has to be a C-sharp
gunshot or it sounds awful.
-- Spike Jones, Jr.
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: What's the best way to stop a charging rhino?
A: Cut up its credit cards.
-- Johnny Hart
TOPICAL DITTY FOR THE DAY
We held our nose and cast our vote,
We ate their blather like billygoats.
And now it's time to be assigned
A brand new batch of horse behinds...
...And now they say the bill's come due,
They say "Don't sweat! It won't be you!
We'll go to pump some other chump!
Not little guys, just Donald Trump!"
-- "Opus," (Berkeley Breathed)
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
Republicans is fine if you're a multi-millionaire,
Democrats is fair if all you own is what you wear...
-- "Hot Plate Heaven at the Green Hotel," Frank Zappa (1940-1993)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Chances that a U.S. military base ordered closed in 1988 remains open: 1 in 3
-- Washington Post
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Chances that an American smoker acquired the habit
by the age of fourteen: 2 in 5
-- American Cancer Society
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of North American males that are named "Ed": 80
-- David ("Ed") Letterman
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Confucius say...but who will listen?
-- Paul Reiser
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Percentage of arms sales to third-world countries
that are supplied by U.S. companies: 72
-- 60 Minutes
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Estimated number of Pentium CPUs that cannot multiply correctly sold by
Intel and installed in computers worldwide, in millions: 3
-- Intel
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of asteroids named after the late rock star Frank Zappa: 1
-- news sources
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. They declare darkness the standard.
-- Jai Singh, Info World
STATISTICS FOR THE DAY
Percentage of the general population that are left-handed: 12
Percentage of the last 10 U.S. presidents that are: 40
-- Smithsonian
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Only 364 more days until the next Christmas party...
-- The Calendar Man
RIDDLE FOR THE DAY
Q: How can you tell if you have a Pentium in your computer?
A: The rocket you aimed at the moon hits Long Beach instead.
-- after Spencer F. Katt
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Based on this season's experience, chances that the L.A. Clippers will win
their next basketball game: 1/16
-- news sources
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Only 16 more shopping days until Christmas!!
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
We've tried ignorance for a very long time. It's time we tried education.
-- (Surgeon General) Dr. Joycelyn Elders
NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY
Actor Mark Williams, wearing a beard, robes, and sandals for his title
role in Jesus Christ Superstar, was ejected from the Reno, Nevada, Pioneer
Center for the Performing Arts when the theater's director mistook him for
a homeless person.
-- The Progressive
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of people currently in U.S. jails for marijuana offenses: 35,000
-- Rolling Stone
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Price of a first-class stamp, starting January 1: $.32
In actual dollars, percentage increase since 1940: 967
In inflation-adjusted dollars, percentage increase: 28
-- Time
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Yow! Only 4 more shopping days until Christmas...
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
If they were computers, goes the popular analogy, cars would go faster, cost
next to nothing, and get hundreds of miles to the gallon. Fortunately for
commuters, cars are not computers. If they were, they would crash every day.
If you wanted to change a flat tire, you would discover that the owner's
manual contained a treatise on lug-nut design but no instructions on where
to find the jack. Perhaps worst of all, you would always need a skilled
mechanic (Certified Driving Engineer) riding shotgun...
--Rob Ward, Infoworld
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Yikes! Only 3 more shopping days until Christmas...
FACTS ONLY SANTA WOULD KNOW
(Not to be read by impressionable young children)
1. Exact number of sleigh-airplane near-misses
2. Which Santa's elf became his favorite, despite the vice squad's objections
3. Who's been naughty, who's been nice -- and the phone numbers of women,
ages 18-28, who have been naughty
-- Mark Miller
VOICE MAIL MESSAGE FOR THE DAY
You have reached the North Pole. Mr. Claus is in a meeting right now, this is
his voice-activated computer. If you have been a good boy, press one; if you
have been a bad boy, press two. If you wish to speak to one of Santa's
reindeer, press three, four, five, six or seven. To reach Santa's beeper,
press eight. If you would like to speak to the shipping department, put your
thumb in your mouth and press pound star...
-- adapted from Art Buchwald
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Number of days until Christmas: -1
-- Calendar Man
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Sets of fingerprints in the FBI's files that belong to people
who have never been convicted of a crime: 86,442,642
-- FBI (Washington)
STATISTIC FOR THE DAY
Number of months Intel plans to continue shipping the defective version of the
Pentium, the computer chip that can't divide: 3
-- Carl Everett, Intel Gen'l Manager
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Only 2 more shopping days until the New Year...
-- The Calendar Man
