1994

                             QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             I'd like to wish everyone a Happy New Year --
             with the exception of the man who invented the telephone.

                                                  -- Mark Twain (1891)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                                Happy New Year!

                                       -- Anon.

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

A truck carrying high-quality Zinfandel grapes overturned near a Sonoma County
winery, making the grapes legally unusable for commercial wine.  But winery
workers weren't about to lose a chance to make wine.  They hauled the grapes in
wheelbarrows to an empty tank, fermented them and aged the wine in barrels.
The wine was "released" surreptitiously as Roadkill Red with a hilarious label,
reading "Produced and Bottled by Cal-Trans.  A peppery Zinfandel with a hint of
asphalt.  Three stars in the Michelin Guide."  The wine, at $10 a bottle,
rapidly sold out (illegally) to local winemakers.
                                                                  -- L.A. Times

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Number of U.S. states that defeated Russian presidential candidate Vladimir
   Zhirinovsky promised to recapture and return to Russian posession: 1

                                                               -- news sources

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Rank of the Grateful Dead among U.S. and Canadian concert acts
         in gross receipts for 1993: 1
                                                        - news services

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Percentage of people who believe that angels exist: 69

                                                      -- Time poll
                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

               Percentage of people who believe angels exist: 12

                                                -- CBS News poll

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        Small things make perfection.  But perfection is no small thing.

                                                          -- Henry Royce

                              STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Number of pages in the PETA (People for the ethical Treatment of Animals)
    234-page children's ecology book that are devoted to tropical rain
    forests: 3

    Number of pages that explain how to protect insects by propping twigs
    into birdbaths so that trapped bugs can climb out: 3

                                                                  -- LA Times

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  Serbs and Croats are so much alike that the only way they can tell each other
  apart is by religion.  And most of them aren't religious.  So the difference
  between Serbs and Croats is that the Serbs don't go to Eastern Orthodox
  services and the Croats don't attend mass.  And the difference between Serbs
  and Muslims is that five times a day the Muslims don't pray to Mecca.

                                                               -- P.J. O'Rourke

                             DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY

          COMEDIAN: A guy with a good memory who hopes no one else has.

                                                         -- Red Skelton

          STAND-UP COMEDY: Telling a secret that people are thinking.

                                                        -- Bill Maher

                            THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

        If you're ever in an earthquake, just remember it's like surfing
        on solid ground.  If you can't surf, move to Kansas.

                                         -- Tom Cantrell, Circuit Cellar

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   It felt like Godzilla had picked our building up, shook it, couldn't find
   a toy, and threw it back down on the ground.

             -- Bryan Watson, a (former) resident of Northridge Meadows Apts

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

        None of the freeways that collapsed had been strengthened because
        they were considered low risk.  On the other hand, none of the
        freeways that had been reinforced collapsed...
                                                          -- News sources

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                 Generally speaking, the press lives on disaster.

                                     -- Clement Atlee (1883-1967)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Time until, due to earth movement around the San Andreas Fault, San
    Francisco and Los Angeles are suburbs of each other, in years: 5,000,000

                                                                      -- PBS

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   It was a moral reawakening, a terrible warning, God, or Nature, stepping on
   the anthill we call the world.  Nothing can trivialize human behavior more
   than a natural catastrophe.  This [the earthquake] was the real Super Bowl.
   That other one's just a football game.
                                                                 -- Jim Murray

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

      Ratio of Social Security recipients to American workers in 1965: 4/1
                                                          ... in 1992: 2/1

                                               -- National Taxpayers Union

                            MAGIC WORD FOR THE DAY

 The Magic Word, according to New York clown Silly Billy: "Googly-googly"
                       ...according to clown Silly Willy: "Iggy-la-piggy-wiggy"

                                                              -- The New Yorker

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        Michael Jordan.  Figure skating.  Don't laugh.  It could happen.

                                                          -- Mike Downey

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Number of American cars Ford's new president, Alex Trotman,
           has bought in his lifetime: 0
                                                     -- Ford Motor Co.

                               STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Chances that a supermaket customer in an express checkout line has more than
  the allowed number of items: 1 in 4

                                  -- John Trinkaus, St. John's University, NYC

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                          Yikes!  I'm outa here...

                                              -- Punxutawney Phil (yesterday)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     It's okay to take advice, but be careful what you believe.  Keep your
     little, globed eyes open.

                                   -- Kermit the Frog (Amphibian-American)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  The drawing power of violence is not television's fault, any more than it is
  the Bible's.  Anyone who has actually read the Bible is well aware of the
  grisly, explicit, and hideous scenes of violence that are sometimes recounted
  there, acts even the crassest producer would never dream of presenting on
  television.  Yet the Bible is known for its moral teachings, while
  television's moral teachings about violence, which are wholly consistent with
  much of the Bible, are viewed as nonexistent, no matter how often and
  regularly they are repeated.
                                                          -- David Link, Reason

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        Isn't it funny that Menendez got the hung jury, and not Bobbitt?

                                                       -- Jerry Van Dyke

                              DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

          WHOM: A word invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

                                                    -- Calvin Trillin

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       If lyrics make people do things, how come we don't love each other?

                                                -- Frank Zappa (1941-1993)

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Percentage of all U.S. paperback book sales accounted for
            by romance novels: 47

                                    -- Book Industry Study Group, NYC

                           QUOTE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

       Love is the exchange of two fantasies and the contact of two skins.

                                                      -- Nicholas Chamfort

                               STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Number of golf courses maintained by the Pentagon, worldwide: 234

                                               -- U.S. Dept. of Defense

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                    Programmers do it in logical sequence.

                                         -- bumper sticker

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     Mankind, when left to themselves, are unfit for their own government.

                                                      -- George Washington

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Number of issues of "Mad" the magazine will give Prince Charles this year
   for winning its Alfred E. Neuman Look-Alike Contest: 12

                                                           Mad Magazine, NYC

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                          EVERY music has its soul.

                                     -- Ray Charles

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                    GOLF: The best way to ruin a good walk.

                                           -- Charlie Sheen

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Number of the top 5 female L.A. Marathon winners named Olga: 3

                                                          -- L.A. Times

            QUOTE FOR THE DAY (Economics as explained by the Experts)

                      A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

                                             -- Yogi Berra

                              RIDDLE FOR THE DAY

  Q: What makes the sound: Klip Klop, Klip, Klop, Klip Klop, BANG, Klip Klop?

  A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
                                                -- Contributed by Frank Kelly

                           DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY

                    FRIEND: Someone who'll help you move.

               BEST FRIEND: Someone who'll help you move a body.

                                                   -- Dave Atell

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

               Number of movie deals proposed to Nancy Kerrigan
               in the week after she was assaulted in January: 35

                                       -- ProServ (Arlington, VA)

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Ratio of the number of casualties in the 1988 Armenian earthquake to the
    number in Los Angeles in January: 492/1

    Ratio of the force of the Armenian eathquake to L.A.'s: 1/1

                   -- Earthquake Engineering Research Center (Richmond, CA)/
                      Earthquake Engineering Research Institute (Oakland, CA)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Were it not for the many great daily journals published around the World,
    our land would be overrun with trees.

                                                 -- Kehlog Albran (1933-1927)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  "You want tomatoes?  Then give us water," say farmers along the L-31W canal,
  part of the [Everglades] park's eastern border.

  "You want wildlife?  Then restore the Everglades," say environmentalists.

                                                        -- National Geographic

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Number of frames in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" that show
            Jessica Rabbit without underwear: 3

                                                    -- News Sources

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   I have seen the future and it is very much like the present.  Only longer.

                                                 -- Kehlog Albran (1933-1927)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Amount the federal government spent on pickle research last year: $277,000

                                                                      -- USDA

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            If I had known how famous he was going to be, I'd have had
            my uterus bronzed.

                             -- Leah Adler (Steven Spielberg's mother)

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Percentage increase in Domino's Pizza orders each day Hillary Clinton
     is out of town: +18

                                               -- Jericho Promotions (NYC)

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                  DATA: What a baby computer calls its father.

                    -- ADP-Canada, contributed by David Lamont

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY


                                                            -- Prof. I. Lirpa

                              QUOTES FOR THE DAY

        The 1980's ushered in a Gilded Age of greed and selfishness, of
        irresponsibility and excess and of neglect.

                                                  -- Bill Clinton, 1991

     The 1980's were about acquiring -- acquiring wealth, power, privilege.

                                                    - Hillary Clinton, 1993

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Number of people killed by assault weapons in New York State in 1992: 20

      Number of people killed by hands and feet (beating & stomping): 117

                                                                -- Reason

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Rank of the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) among the country's
      largest users of (obsolete) vacuum tubes: 1
                                                                  -- Reason

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Average 1994 rate of payout by the Tooth Fairy, per tooth,

                 ...according to Dr. William Hartel: $1.75
                 ...according to Dr. Rosemary Wells: $1.50

                                                              -- WSJ

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  MONEY: A wonderful servant, but a bad master.

                  -- seen on a Billboard, contributed by Jennifer Morgan

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

                                                          -- Harlan Ellison

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the
   greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.
   It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.

                   -- Alfred Adler (1870-1937), contributed by Glenn Buckley

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                  Estimated number of people worldwide who live
                  on less than $1 per day: 1,000,000,000

                                     -- World Bank (Washington)

                 STATISTICS FOR THE DAY (Amazing Tax Fax Dept.)

         Bra size of stripper Chesty Love after surgical implants: 56FF

         Weight of each breast after implants, in pounds: 10

         Amount of deduction claimed on Love's income tax return for
         breast depreciation in 1988: $2088
                                                   -- AP, Green Bay, WI

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit
             that carries any reward.

                                              -- John Maynard Keynes

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                  People with great minds talk about ideas.
                  People with average minds talk about events.
                  People with small minds talk about other people.

                                                    -- Ann Landers

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Percentage of drivers killed in vehicle accidents in 1990
           that were wearing seat belts: 43

                      -- U.S. DOT Nat'l Highway Traffic Safety Admin.

                QUOTES FOR THE DAY ("Weather: Who Needs It?" Dept.)

 The heat waves, droughts, floods, and hurricanes may be previews of what could
 happen with ever-increasing frequency if the atmosphere warms 3F to 8F by the
 middle of the next century, as some scientists predict.
                                                           -- TIME, Jan 2, 1989

 Last week's big chill was a reminder that the Earth's climate can change at
 any time...if last week is any indication of winters to come, it might be more
 to the point to start worrying about the next Ice Age instead.
                                                          -- TIME, Jan 31, 1994

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   If you think the US has stood still, who built the largest shopping-center
   in the world?
                                                 -- Richard Nixon (1913-1994)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    As President Nixon says, presidents can do almost anything, and President
    Nixon has done many things that nobody would have thought of doing.

                                                                -- Golda Meir

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              CONFUCIAS SAY: A hat is wasted on a man with no head.

                                                     -- Paul Reiser

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Number of years in office Saddam Hussein will celebrate this summer: 14

                                            -- The New Republic, LC Research

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Increase in the number of international telephone calls to and from the
    U.S. from 1981 to 1991, in percent: 300
                                                                 -- Fortune

                          STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Typical cost to send a 1-minute, 1-page fax 30 miles, off-peak: $.06

   Cost to mail a 1-page letter the same distance via the US Postal Service,
   estimated arrival 1-3 days: $.29
                                                            -- SW Bell, USPO

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                    Yikes!  It's Friday the 13th!!  Really!!!

                                              -- The Calendar

                              DEFINITIONS FOR THE DAY

                 CONSERVATIVE: A liberal who has been mugged

                      LIBERAL: A conservative who has been arrested

                                 -- Wendy Kaminer, Atlantic Monthly

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

  Average number of faxes transmitted in the United States each minute: 88,000

                               -- American Facsimile Association, Philadelphia

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Percentage increase in worldwide "Strangeness" from 1992 to 1993: 3.5

                                                           -- Fortean Times

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

               Portion of China's timber consumption accounted for
               by household cooking and heating: 1/3

                       -- Population Reference Bureau (Washington)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               There's nothing I enjoy more than buying condoms.

                                              -- Sandra Bernhard

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                 A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.

                                           -- David Hume (ca. 1748)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

         The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception
         absolutely necessary for both parties.
                                                         -- Oscar Wilde

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 JUNE is:  American Rivers Month                  National Frozen Yogurt Month
           Cancer in the Sun Month                National Papaya Month
           Turkey Lovers' Month                   National Pest-Control Month
           National Accordion Awareness Month     National Dreamwork Month

                                        -- Chase's Annual Events 1994, Chicago

                THOUGHT FOR THE DAY (Dept. of Basketball Knickers)

                              Back home again,
                              In Indiana...

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    It's a good thing I'm a woman, because if I weren't, I'd be a drag queen.

                              -- Dolly Parton (contributed by Russell Palmer)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                           Life without "f" is a lie.

                        -- Paul Reiser's fortune cookie

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
    are now extinct.
                                                     -- W. Somerset Maugham

                         FINANCIAL NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

     Average change, last six months, in the value of stocks chosen by four
     investment advisors selected by the Wall Street Journal: -9.4%

     Average change, same time period, in the value of stocks chosen by
     throwing darts at the financial page: +1.4%
                                                                     -- WSJ

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                    Men have become the tools of their tools.

                           -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                         Moon River, wider than a mile.
                         I'm crossing you in style
                         Someday...

                           -- Henry Mancini (1924-1994)

                              STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

           Percentage of articles on the front page of last
           Saturday's L.A. Times that were devoted to O.J. Simpson: 71

                             SONG LYRIC FOR THE DAY
                     (Sing to the tune of "The Barney Song")

                     I hate you.
                     You hate me.
                     We're gonna go out and kill Barney.
                     And the shots rang out and Barney hit the floor.
                     No more purple dinosaur!

                                                -- Patricia Biederman

                                QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                  Heroes are created by popular demand, sometimes
                  out of the scantiest materials, or none at all.

                                          -- Gerald Johnson, 1943

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

     Although they come in similar colored tubes, carpenters' contact cement
     and Preparation H have very different uses.
                                                             -- Rich Tosches

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

       Number of people killed as witches in one province of South Africa
       in the first half of 1994: 71

                                       -- Northern Transvaal Police (WSJ)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

               Price of a copy of Kurt Cobain's death certificate
               from Post Mortem Arts in Seattle: $25

                                             -- Harper's Research

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

      Number of women asked to leave an exhibit of Rubens nudes in Toledo,
      Ohio, last winter because they were breast-feeding: 1

                                                   -- Toledo Museum of Art

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                 Price of one week at the Klingon Language Camp
                 in Red Lake Falls, Minnesota: $350

                                 -- Klingon Language School, MN

                   NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Caveat Raptor Dept.)

   Available with proofs of purchase from Energizer batteries is the 18-inch
   Plush Energizer Bunny.  It comes with "removable drum, mallets, and shoes."
   But instead of going...and going...and going, it just sits there.  Why?
   It's not battery-operated.
                                              -- Adapted from Consumer Reports

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                          BANG!   SSSSSzsssssss.....

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Number of prizes given away inside Cracker Jack boxes
              since 1912: 16,000,000,000
                                                       -- USA Today

                       QUOTE FOR THE DAY ("Oh, Yeah?" Dept.)

  The triodity of actuality continues to function directly in the post-Havona
  epochs; Paradise gravity grasps the basic units of material existence, the
  spirit gravity of the Eternal Son operates directly upon the fundamental
  values of spirit existence, and the mind gravity of the Conjoint Actor
  unerringly clutches all vital meanings of intellectual existence.

                                                          -- The Urantia Book

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

            ASTROLOGY: A form of bigotry based on accidents of birth.

                                                    -- Robert Steiner

                     THE TOP 4 SUCCESSFUL COME-ON LINES

      4. I know we're not on the phone, but can I reach out and touch you?
      3. Excuse me, do you believe in love at first sight --
                or do I have to walk by again?
      2. I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the glass.
      1. I seem to have lost my phone number.  Can I borrow yours?

                                                            -- Lynn Minton

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    With a 1% growth rate, number of years until the entire Earth's surface
    (including all water) has one square yard of space per person: 1200

                                       -- Milton Rothman, "The Science Gap"

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                              How a minority,
                              Reaching majority,
                              Seizing authority,
                              Hates a minority!

                      -- Leonard H. Robbins (1877-1947)

                  NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY (Once Upon A Time Dept.)

         Many of the women who ride in the Chicago parks now sit boldly
         astride their horses thanks to the divided skirt.

                                 -- Door County Advocate, June 23, 1894

                           STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

          Total amount of energy released by the largest hydrogen bomb
          ever built by man, in megatons of TNT: 58

          Estimated energy that will be released by the comet that will
          collide with Jupiter in the next 10 days, in megatons of
          TNT: 20,000,000

                                  -- Jack Horkheimer, Miami Planetarium

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend
    the rest of our lives there.
                                               -- C. F. Kettering (1876-1958)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!

                                                               -- Andres Cantor

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

            ROMANCE: What happens while you're making plans for sex.

                                              -- The Playboy Advisor

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Odds, in any given year, of a collision between a major comet or asteriod
    and the earth: 500,000/1
                                                                      -- NASA

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                  PARENTHOOD: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

                                   -- Peter DeVries (1910-1993)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting
            for our wits to grow sharper.

                                        --Eden Phillpotts (1862-1960)

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Maximum number of people that can be beamed up at once on Startrek: 6

                                                              -- USA Today

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

   Number of names & addresses lost by the U.S. Post Office sectional facility
   computer in Van Nuys on more than one occcasion during July, 94: 40,000

   Number of names that were recovered electronically: 0

   Number of names that were re-entered by hand: 40,000

                                -- USPO, Van Nuys, CA (personal communication)

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

             Percentage of Washington, D.C.'s daily overnight mail
             that the U.S. Post Office fails to deliver on time: 38

             Proposed USPO rate increase, percent: 10.3

                                      -- USPO, Gannett News Service

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course
       you are an exceptionally good liar.

                                         -- Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

                                              -- Alfred Adler (1870-1937)

                            STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

          Average unemployment rate during the 1980s in the ten states
          with the largest number of immigrants: 6

          Average unemployment rate in the ten states with the fewest
          immigrants: 8

                -- U.S. Census Bureau, U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Percentage of Japanese computer software market controlled by
         U.S. companies: 54

                          -- International Data Corp. (Framingham, MA)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Do not buy stuff you really cannot afford, unless you really want to.

                                                            -- Forrest Gump

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

           Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played
           night after night but differently each time.

                                                    -- Ornette Coleman

                            MOVIE REVIEW FOR THE DAY

  What Robin Williams does with his mind -- rev it up, kick it around, bend it
  and blend it, find witty twists at lightning speed -- [Jim] Carrey does
  with his body...Crossbreed [Jerry] Lewis' "The Nutty Professor" with "Batman"
  and you have "The Mask"...
                                                      -- Richard Corliss (Time)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

            Number of federal workers employed full-time this year
            to manage national-security documents: 32,397

                     -- Office of Managesment & Budget, Washington

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

      Rock'n'roll is part of a pest to undermine the morals of the youth of
      our nation.  It is sexualistic, unmoralistic and...brings people of
      both races together.
                           -- North Alabama White Citizens' Council, 1950's

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.

                                                     -- Ed Howe (1853-1937)

                             DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

               ANCIENT HISTORY: Fables that have been agreed upon.

                                           -- Voltaire (1694-1778)

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

        CYNIC: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
        not as they ought to be.
                                           -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        Experience is the best teacher, but only if you are a good pupil.

                                                        -- Laddie Chapman

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        I've been on so many blind dates that I should get a free dog...

                                                        -- Wendy Liebman

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

          Number of cigarette lighter sockets in the new Ford Cirrus: 1
                                                  Number of ashtrays: 0

                                                          --  USA Today

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

         Number of nuclear bombs that could be made from the plutonium
         known to be stockpiled in Russia: 40,000+

         Estimated number that could be made from the Russian plutonium
         unaccounted for and potentially in the hands of terrorists: 2000

                                                  -- Gannett News Service

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

    Rank of Israel and Egypt as the largest recipients of U.S. money in the
    Clinton administration's proposed $13.8 billion foreign aid budget: 1,2

                                              -- Knight-Ridder News Service

                              DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

                         SUPERSTITION: Godless religion

                             -- Joseph Hall (1574-1656)


                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       In a mere half-century, films have gone from silent to unspeakable.

                                                            -- Doug Larson

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

             If you can remember Woodstock, then you weren't there.

                        -- Wavy Gravy, as quoted by Spencer F. Katt

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

      When Elvis Presley died in 1977 there were 37 Elvis impersonators in
      the world.  Today there are 48,000.  If the current trend continues,
      by the year 2010, one out of every three people in the world will be
      an Elvis impersonator.

               -- from a used equipment catalog, submitted by John Sarappo

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   [The new crime bill is] an ounce of prevention, a pound of punishment and
   a ton of politics.
                                              -- Cynthia McKinney (Rep., GA)


                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he
    had read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading.

                                                        -- Henry G. Strauss

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

               Percentage of the Japanese computer-software market
               controlled by U.S. companies: 54

                               -- Int'l Data Corp (Framingham, MA)

                              STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

  Average unemployment rate during the 1980s in the ten states with the largest
  number of immigrants: 6

  Average unemployment rate in the ten states with the fewest number of
  immigrants: 8
                          -- U.S. Census Bureau/U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics

          TOP 10 MOST MEMORABLE LETTERMAN MOMENTS OF THE LAST 12 MONTHS

10. Debra Winger rips off her clothes, reveals a Wonder Woman outfit (09/03/93)
9.  Al Gore hammers ashtrays (09/08/93)
8.  Tony Randall and Mandy Patinkin crash the show, and Patinkin brings down
    the house with "Rockabye Your Baby" (11/20/93)
7.  The cast of Miss Saigon floods the studio (12/21/93)
6.  "Can a guy in a bear suit..." is inaugurated (01/05/94)

    (continued tomorrow)
                                                        -- Gannett News Service

          TOP 5 MOST MEMORABLE LETTERMAN MOMENTS OF THE LAST 12 MONTHS

 5. Dorothy, Dave's Ozlike mom, chats with Hillary in Lillehammer (02/14/94)
 4. Outside the Today show's window, Letterman holds up a sign reading, "I love
    you, Bryant," and Bryant Gumbel holds up one reading "Bite Me" (07/01/94)
 3. Mujibar and Sirajul wind up their cross-country tour in San Francisco,
    where they get the key to the city and Rice-a-Roni (07/08/94)
 2. Calvert DeForest does Woodstock '94 (08/11/94)
 1. One word: Madonna (03/31/94)
                                                        -- Gannett News Service
                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                    Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti.

                                            -- Sophia Loren

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Tomorrow is the most important thing in life.  Comes to us at midnight
    very clean.  It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands.
    It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.
                                                                  - John Wayne

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

         Percentage of U.S. paperback sales that are romance novels: 50

                                                                 -- WSJ

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Amount Stella Liebeck won in court from McDonald's for personal injury when
   she spilled coffee in her lap, in millions of dollars: 2.9
                                                               -- news sources

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    We can expect an invasion of Haiti to be successful.  After all, we have
    the element of surprise on our side.
                                                             -- news sources

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Without baseball, America would be just another country,
            like Switzerland but without the sense of irony.

                                                 -- Garrison Keillor

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

    Percentage of Americans who believe that there is baseball in heaven: 56

                                                         -- ESPN Sports Poll

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Number of "translators" commissioned last year by a Yale divinity student
    to convert the Bible into Klingon: 10

                                            -- Klingon Language Institute, PA

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

             Number of "offensive" words to be dropped from the 1995
             Official Scrabble Dictionary: 100

                                         -- Nat'l Scrabble Ass'n, NY

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     [In research that set off the alar scare] mice drank the equivalent of
     nineteen thousand quarts of apple juice a day.  This may explain why
     laboratory mice so frequently have to ask to be excused to go to the
     little mouse's room.
                                                           -- P.J. O'Rourke

                     STUPID KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE FOR THE DAY

                               Knock, knock!
                                Who's there?
                                    O.J.
                                 O.J. who?
          Congratulations!  You just qualified for the Simpson jury!

                                    -- overheard at the water cooler

                            STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Average number of illegal aliens that enter the U.S.
              from Mexico daily:  3,000
                                                       -- NBC News

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

     To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

                                                              -- Carl Sagan

                            DEFINITION FOR THE DAY

   POPULATION EXPLOSION: Too many people who think there are too many people.

                                                             -- Brian Doherty

                         NEWS ITEM FOR COLUMBUS DAY

         Official name of Oct 12 in Berkeley, CA: Indigenous Peoples Day

                                                                   - WSJ

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              I love fools' experiments.  I am always making them.

                                                  --Charles Darwin

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

                                                 --Samuel Butler

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

    The Jefferson Airplane said it will continue "fighting the establishment
 and mainsteam corporate America" in efforts to preserve the integrity of its
 flying toasters.
    The defunct rock group filed suit this year against Berkeley Systems, Inc.,
 claiming the company stole the idea for its flying-toaster computer screen-
 saver logo from the cover of the 1973's "Thirty Seconds Over Winterland"
 album.  Last week, a federal district court judge dismissed the copyright
 infingement suit, ruling the band's copyright was limited to the sound
 recording.
    The Jefferson Airplane said it will appeal.
                                                            -- adapted from WSJ

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

               Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

                                                   -- H.D. Thoreau

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                      You can do anything,
                      But don't step on my blue suede shoes.

                                              --Carl Perkins

                            NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 State highway officials in Gallup, New Mexico, see no reason to rename U.S.
 666, despite objections that the number refers to the Antichrist in the Bible.
 The issue arose after an Indiana man wrote one of his U.S. senators,
 questioning why New Mexico didn't change the highway's name, originally
 designated in 1926 as the sixth branch of U.S. Route 66.

                                               -- AP, adapted from Free Inquiry

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 A council is considering a request by Muslim tenants who want their toilets
 turned around so that they no longer face Mecca.  The plea has been sent to
 the housing department at Blackburn, Lancashire, by twenty-nine tenants on the
 Wimberly Street housing estate in London.  Using a toilet while facing Mecca
 breaches the Islamic code of personal conduct, taught at the mosque from
 childhood.
                                               -- Manchester Guardian (England)

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       If we had a girl, my wife wanted to call her "Sue" -- a lovely name,
       but which for Jews is generally a verb...

                                             -- Dennis Wolfberg (1947-1994)

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

                                Have a nice day!

                                        -- Anon.

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

            Every October 31st, small groups of armed children roam
            from house to house demanding protection money...

                                                    -- Peter Yarrow

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

    MIAMI: Mexican zoo offical Vector Bernal was convicted of violating U.S.
    endangered species laws for trying to pay $92,500 for an animal that
    really was a Fish and Wildlife Service agent in a gorilla suit.

                                                    -- Washington City Paper

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

               In the first six months of this year (since NAFTA),
               percentage increase in U.S. exports to Mexico: 16
                          ....in Mexican exports to the U.S.: 21

                                                            -- WSJ

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

 Air controller Douglas Hartman has filed suit against the FAA, charging sexual
 harrassment.  Hartman claims that he was forced to walk a gauntlet of female
 colleagues who groped him during a training workshop.  The workshop was
 designed to reduce sexual harrassment.
                                                                      -- Reason

                              NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

The European Union has slapped a quota on nonhuman dolls from China, but human
figures aren't covered.  This means that customs officials have to determine
the "humanity" of dolls imported into member countries.  Teddy bears (nonhuman)
are covered by the quota; Batman and Robin (human) are not.  Star Trek's
Captain Kirk (human) is not covered, but Dr. Spock (nonhuman) is.  But...isn't
Spock's mother an earthling?...hmmm...discrimination...
                                                         -- Adapted from Reason

                          ELECTION ADVICE FOR THE DAY

      While alone in the voting booth, please refrain from pulling anything
      other than the lever.
                                                         -- David Letterman

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

       It doesn't matter who you vote for, the Government always gets in.

                                             -- graffito in London, 1970s

                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

        One of the things that people don't realize about Dad's music is,
        when you replace a C-sharp with a gunshot, it has to be a C-sharp
        gunshot or it sounds awful.
                                                      -- Spike Jones, Jr.

                              RIDDLE FOR THE DAY

                Q: What's the best way to stop a charging rhino?

                A: Cut up its credit cards.

                                                  -- Johnny Hart

                         TOPICAL DITTY FOR THE DAY

                   We held our nose and cast our vote,
                   We ate their blather like billygoats.
                   And now it's time to be assigned
                   A brand new batch of horse behinds...

                   ...And now they say the bill's come due,
                   They say "Don't sweat!  It won't be you!
                   We'll go to pump some other chump!
                   Not little guys, just Donald Trump!"

                             -- "Opus," (Berkeley Breathed)
                                   
                              QUOTE FOR THE DAY

              Republicans is fine if you're a multi-millionaire,
              Democrats is fair if all you own is what you wear...

       -- "Hot Plate Heaven at the Green Hotel," Frank Zappa (1940-1993)

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Chances that a U.S. military base ordered closed in 1988 remains open: 1 in 3

                                                            -- Washington Post

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                Chances that an American smoker acquired the habit
                by the age of fourteen: 2 in 5

                                        -- American Cancer Society

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

           Percentage of North American males that are named "Ed": 80

                                            -- David ("Ed") Letterman

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                     Confucius say...but who will listen?

                                           -- Paul Reiser

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

                Percentage of arms sales to third-world countries
                that are supplied by U.S. companies: 72

                                                    -- 60 Minutes

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

     Estimated number of Pentium CPUs that cannot multiply correctly sold by
     Intel and installed in computers worldwide, in millions: 3

                                                                    -- Intel

                             STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

        Number of asteroids named after the late rock star Frank Zappa: 1

                                                          -- news sources

                              RIDDLE FOR THE DAY

      Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

      A: Zero.  They declare darkness the standard.

                                                  -- Jai Singh, Info World

                             STATISTICS FOR THE DAY

          Percentage of the general population that are left-handed: 12

          Percentage of the last 10 U.S. presidents that are: 40

                                                         -- Smithsonian

                             THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

             Only 364 more days until the next Christmas party...

                                              -- The Calendar Man

                              RIDDLE FOR THE DAY

          Q: How can you tell if you have a Pentium in your computer?

          A: The rocket you aimed at the moon hits Long Beach instead.

                                              -- after Spencer F. Katt

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

   Based on this season's experience, chances that the L.A. Clippers will win
   their next basketball game: 1/16
                                                              -- news sources

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  Only 16 more shopping days until Christmas!!

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

   We've tried ignorance for a very long time.  It's time we tried education.

                                     -- (Surgeon General) Dr. Joycelyn Elders

                             NEWS ITEM FOR THE DAY

   Actor Mark Williams, wearing a beard, robes, and sandals for his title
   role in Jesus Christ Superstar, was ejected from the Reno, Nevada, Pioneer
   Center for the Performing Arts when the theater's director mistook him for
   a homeless person.
                                                           -- The Progressive

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

    Number of people currently in U.S. jails for marijuana offenses: 35,000

                                                           -- Rolling Stone

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

              Price of a first-class stamp, starting January 1: $.32

              In actual dollars, percentage increase since 1940: 967

              In inflation-adjusted dollars, percentage increase: 28

                                                             -- Time

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

               Yow!  Only 4 more shopping days until Christmas...

                               QUOTE FOR THE DAY

  If they were computers, goes the popular analogy, cars would go faster, cost
  next to nothing, and get hundreds of miles to the gallon.  Fortunately for
  commuters, cars are not computers.  If they were, they would crash every day.
  If you wanted to change a flat tire, you would discover that the owner's
  manual contained a treatise on lug-nut design but no instructions on where
  to find the jack.  Perhaps worst of all, you would always need a skilled
  mechanic (Certified Driving Engineer) riding shotgun...
                                                          --Rob Ward, Infoworld

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

               Yikes!  Only 3 more shopping days until Christmas...

                           FACTS ONLY SANTA WOULD KNOW

                (Not to be read by impressionable young children)

  1. Exact number of sleigh-airplane near-misses
  2. Which Santa's elf became his favorite, despite the vice squad's objections
  3. Who's been naughty, who's been nice -- and the phone numbers of women,
     ages 18-28, who have been naughty
                                                                 -- Mark Miller

                         VOICE MAIL MESSAGE FOR THE DAY

 You have reached the North Pole.  Mr. Claus is in a meeting right now, this is
 his voice-activated computer.  If you have been a good boy, press one; if you
 have been a bad boy, press two.  If you wish to speak to one of Santa's
 reindeer, press three, four, five, six or seven.  To reach Santa's beeper,
 press eight.  If you would like to speak to the shipping department, put your
 thumb in your mouth and press pound star...
                                                   -- adapted from Art Buchwald

                              THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                      Number of days until Christmas: -1

                                         -- Calendar Man

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

          Sets of fingerprints in the FBI's files that belong to people
          who have never been convicted of a crime: 86,442,642

                                                    -- FBI (Washington)

                              STATISTIC FOR THE DAY

 Number of months Intel plans to continue shipping the defective version of the
 Pentium, the computer chip that can't divide: 3

                                           -- Carl Everett, Intel Gen'l Manager

                               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

                  Only 2 more shopping days until the New Year...

                                              -- The Calendar Man




Back to The Last Resort Home Page
To Quotes Main List
To DoorBell.Net Main Page